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06/17/2003

Day 6: Team player, my ass

This morning's scan wasn't promising. I've cried all day, leaking tears since I left the hospital. I even cried through acupuncture. The tears ran into my ears, and when I tried to wipe them I dislodged several needles protruding from my cartilage. (The acupuncturist was very kind, offered some thoughts about loss and unfairness. I hate to say it, because it's not like me to neglect such a ripe opportunity for gleeful mockery, but it was not creepy in the slightest.)

The scan showed that my right ovary isn't really rising to the challenge, and while I have several teeny follicles on my left, I also have a single malevolent giant that will probably require us to cancel the cycle.

The suppression drugs (Lupron, in my case) are supposed to keep your ovaries from developing a dominant follicle. What you really want is a bunch of them all the same size, developing at the same rate: a clutch of team players. When one leader decides to upstage the rest, it can keep the others from growing. It can cause also ovulation before retrieval — poof, no eggs, no cycle, no refund.

Because my clinic uses a team approach, I don't see the same doctor each time. The doctor I saw this time was one I hadn't met before. She was very emphatic about the likelihood that we'd cancel, but said they'd discuss it at the team meeting later that day.

I was somewhat relieved this afternoon to hear that my regular doctor wasn't necessarily convinced that cancellation was necessary. (I say "somewhat" because I wonder whether even unhappy certainty would be better than just not knowing. The anxiety is relentless.) He suggested that I continue the drugs and return on Friday to see what's going on.

If we have to cancel, we could still convert to IUI, but given that our problem is fertilization, I don't think that buys us anything. Good money after bad; on this Paul and I agree. By waiting until Friday to make a decision, the only thing we have to lose is a couple of days' worth of injectibles.

Oh, and my sanity. But that's okay, because I'm not really using it for much anyway.

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