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08/27/2003
All of a sudden I get it.
I had a minor epiphany as I waited for the D&C. Though I knew this pregnancy was over, I would have given anything to change the situation if I could. I felt frantic, terrified, and absolutely desperate.
And then I thought, "Maybe this is how women who are having an abortion feel."
Oh.
Women with an unwanted pregnancy probably feel just as trapped and scared as I did. I felt utterly violated by this procedure I was about to undergo — and I imagine that women who don't want to be pregnant feel every bit as violated by the presence of a heartbeat inside them.
I've always been pro-choice in theory, though I've never had to put that to the test. When my college roommate had an abortion, I saw that while the procedure itself was difficult for her, the decision to do it was not. As for me, I'd always been sure I'd have an abortion if I ended up pregnant at an inopportune time; if I ever imagined it, I saw myself resolute and implacable as I slung myself into the stirrups.
I never really thought of the emotional aspects of it — how many women who undergo abortions must be propelled by panic and desperation.
But as I sat in my cubicle, fighting off waves of anxiety, it occurred to me: Two sides, same coin. As much as I longed for my pregnancy to continue, they long for theirs to end. As destroyed as I felt, they'd be just as devastated if they didn't have the option to terminate.
I think I truly understood for the first time how important that option is. For the first time, I felt real empathy for anyone in that position. What a strange time for me to be feeling the power of sisterhood, though at least it kept me from feeling the full horror of my own situation.
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You are a really amazing woman. I just started reading your blog (8/28/04) from a link on dooce.com... It is all so heart wrentching. I am not a mother and at this time don't have the desire to be, but I can empathize with the desire that women have to be mothers, and I feel such sadness for those who have such a hard time achieving that goal.
After reading this post, your strength and ethics really come through... to beable to see what women on the "other side" are feeling when you are going through something so soul shaking is applaudable to say the least. I wish more people on our society were as open minded and understanding as you are.
You will make a wonderful mother. Whether that child is biological or adopted is irrelevant. You have a big heart, and you have love, and you have understanding. And that's what matters most.
My best wishes in your quest. XOXO
I think you're very brave. I've just started reading this and I feel very connected to you. I don't have a baby, but I'm sure I will want to have one when I get my life set. You know, with a husband and all that.
But I'm really amazed at you opinion about abortion. My mom had two miscarriages before having me. She was very sad and everything, you know how it feels.
After her first miscarriage, she had to help a kid who had had a backstreet abortion. My mom's a nurse, and in my country abortion is not legal. That kid had done it wrong and the embryo was still inside her when she got to the hospital, bleading a lot. They had to clean her uterus, and my mother helped at that. When she saw the little legs and the little hands and body of that baby she almost cried.(She couldn't, she was in an OR, but if she could, I'm sure she would have cried) She was so sad that someone had killed it's own baby. She had fought so hard to get pregnant and she it died. That kid had never asked to get pregnant, but she took the risk. After that, she had to face it, to be responsible. It was just so unfair.
If I were you, I would hate those freaking fertile girls that throw away that miracle, when you have gone through a lot to get it.
Dani, I don't think you should hate anyone, especially when you have no freaking clue what someone in that situation is going through.
I just found your site (4-11-06) and after reading a couple more current entries decided to go back and start from the beginning. I've been reading everything up to this point kinda wondering why I'm so captivated. I don't have any children and I've never dealt with infertility... but your writing is just so raw and honest and beautiful... and I guess I can relate to a certain extent since I have ovaries, and a uterus, and have experienced some of the more painful aspects of their ownership. When I got to this entry I burst into tears. You do get it. I didn't get it before it happened to me. Only a small handful of people in my life know this: I got pregnant at age 19 and had a RU-486 abortion. I had always thought if I got pregnant unexpectedly I would never have an abortion - that my maternal instinct would take over and make me at peace with it or something - but when it happened - wrong timing, wrong man, emotionally everything just felt wrong wrong wrong! I have never wished for something in my life to be different, to not be as it was, as I wished not to be pregnant. In a moment of total craziness and emotion overtaking all sense of logic and science I actually got up one morning and ran out of the house trying to literally RUN away from the situation. I ran for blocks, crying, desperate, just insane. I was trying to literally run OUT of my own body. I didn't "get it" before it happened to me. Abortion used to make me terribly sad for the little fetuses who didn't get to become babies. It is sad. But when I was pregnant I spoke to the little fetus inside me and said "this is wrong, I can't be your mother" and the real clear true response I heard back from my baby and felt in my heart was "I know." The decision was between US (me and my baby.) I can't imagine the pain or horror had it been dictated from outside. I wouldn't want to live in a world where women didn't have ownership and choice and options when it comes to their own bodies. (In fact, I think I would have killed myself.) As mothers, what would we tell our daughters in such a world? And how could either of us it ever be whole?
That is so fucked up Lila -post 4/12/2006 1:47 am. Your baby did not have any choice in your decision to abort it. That baby had every right to live- with or without you in his/her life. We all have choices in our lives, too bad your baby did not have the opportunity.
I had what was called a "menstrual evacuation" at 3 1/2 weeks, over 30 years ago. I was so elated that I could conceive that I didn't mind the pain of the ending of this one. My mother had a miscarriage before me & no other pregnancies. I never had the right time later, so I have no children. But I'm glad that I did have that experience. If it had been before Roe v. Wade, I would have been in a major panic.
i'm a mother now.. of a beautiful 7 month old princess and looking thru one of those warm and fuzzy communities you mention in a previous post i found a link to your site.
i was violently gang raped 6 years ago by 6 men.
i was held down by my throat and choked unconcious wwhile they raped me repeatedly over a period of 6 hours.
some of the few concious memories i have of that time was the perpetrators arguing over whether or not to kill me.
not long after i was discharged from hospital i had to go in for a routine pregnancy test (routine for sexual assault victims) and found out i was pregnant.
i was 18 years old and in the process of having a complete mental break down.
i chose to abort.
i then spent 3 years in and out of hospitals and therapy dealing with the psychological rammifications of the rape befre eventually meeting my amazing and understanding partner who helped me heal more than anyone could.
when we unintentionally fell pregnant it was the best thing to ever happen in my life.
i have closure on my past and i have a future free of the clouds that have been hovering for over half a decade.
i do not deserve to be hated making a decision based on my emotional and psychological health. if the pregnancy had endangered my physical body nobdoy would question me aborting it. but because it was "just" emotional and psychological people seem to think it iis not as important.
I have heard from alot of women who are TTC that i did something evil.. that i "wasted a life" that other women are dreaming of..
however nobody knows what it is was like for me, or any other woman, to make this decision and see it through.
they don't understand the grief you feel for years afterwards.
Julie i love reading your blog and you are truely a beautiful breath of fresh air.. i am only up to this post thus far and i know you have gone on to concieve carry and birth a beautiful healthy babe. but reading what i have beenr eading my heart breaks for the pain you must have been feeling behind all the jokes..
your a brave and beautiful woman and i am suitably in awe
I really like your blog, I came by it through the weirdest reason. I had these keywords in my google search box: natural born in the united states c-section birth president funny.
I was reading about presidential requirements and one was that they have to be a natural born citizen, so I thought that it was funny if their mother's had a c-section (cause that is technically not natural). I was trying to look for a cartoon, because I'm sure I'm not the first to ever think of that joke. Pretty lame actually after I keep thinking about it...
Anyways, I'm glad I ended up here because I like your blog!
i dont know you, but i love you. this article scraped an old wound but it was necessary. thank you :]
Your writing ... beautiful. My pain matches yours... still in the IVF mix... " Jane stop this crazy thing !"
42 and still trying
best to you
Having been raised in a very conservative home, I entered college 100% sure that abortion was wrong no matter the situation. Then, I had a "pregnancy scare" that first year in college. At only 18 yrs old, I was sure I wasn't ready for parenthood or the mental and physical effects of pregnancy. My immediate thought was to get an abortion. I shocked myself by even thinking it. For the first time, the "other side of the coin" was revealed to me. I couldn't raise a child. My family couldn't afford to raise it for me. I couldn't live with the thought of a stranger raising my child either. To imagine a piece of me that I would never know roaming this world tore me up. In the end, I was saved from making the decision because I wasn't actually pregnant. I told my boyfriend later about the scare and about my thoughts of abortion. It really hurt him. Yes, it is my body and in the end, my choice, but what about the father? I hadn't even considered him.
ya know what i just dont think that i can agree with anyone on this page you guys are all sick.. if your not ready for parent hood then DONT HAVE SEX... duhh.. boy that was hard to figure out.. i dont know how i got on this page but i though you were gonna say something intelligent when i first started reading.. and just so you know i have had the blessing of having a child (hes 2) and the misfortune of a miscarriage.. i dont see how you could have sympothy for women who have or want abortions.. oh and by the way im adopted so dont say there is no other choice when it comes to being raped ive been there too.... i cant believe people think your blog is amazing how stupid are they? i hope that when you have a child it changes your mind for the babies sake and if not then i hope you live a miserable life.....