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10/07/2003

Wish list

Day two of Lupron and already I'm bored to tears. I just can't get excited about this cycle.

I can't really decide what the worst possible outcome would be. For my first cycle, I was sure the worst-case scenario would be a negative. For the second, my greatest fear was an ectopic. Now, who knows? Repeat cancellation? Repeat ectopic? Repeat miscarriage? A negative? I don't know what exactly to fear...so I fear everything.

Seems like a good way to make sure all my bases are covered.

I also don't know what to hope for. My first cycle, I hoped for a positive. My second cycle, I hoped for a definitive positive with a doubling beta and a vigorous heartbeat. And we saw how those turned out.

Maybe I wasn't specific enough. Maybe I should be hoping for a definitive positive, an exuberantly doubling beta, a strong and unflagging heartbeat, an absolutely uneventful but joy-filled pregnancy, a quick and drug-cushioned labor, a textbook birth, a sweet safe babyhood, a fun-filled childhood, a happy and productive adulthood — all followed by a peaceful old-age death in his or her sleep, long after my own.

And I should probably point out what I don't want, just so we're clear: a flair for biting, grade school gunplay, a stint in juvie, or unregenerate Republicanism. (That last is important.)

Is it really too much to ask?

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