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You better shop around

I've been reading a lot of discussions about egg donation and how women go about choosing a donor. Some agencies provide pictures; others offer only a general physical description. Sometimes you're given test scores and grade point averages as proof of intelligence. If the donor has children of her own or has donated in the past, you'll be told about that, too.

But they don't seem to give the kind of information I'll really want if I end up using donor eggs. I would like to know:

  1. Can she do math? I can't. Those story problems are a bitch. It would be nice if her eggs had some math in them. And then when the kid comes to me for help with homework, I can call her on the sly and whisper, "Quick! What's 9 times 13?"

  2. The length of her second toe. Mine is longer than my big toe, giving my feet an unsettling resemblance to the antlers of one Bullwinkle J. Moose. We all want to give our kids a great start in life — why not begin with making sure they look decent in sandals?

  3. Her literary tastes. Anyone who has enjoyed writings by more than one of these authors...

    • Stephen King
    • Maeve Binchy
    • Tom Clancy and his terrifying cadre of tireless henchwriters
    • Those Left Behind freaks
    • Drs. Atkins, Phil, or Laura

    ...is off the list. No discussion.

  4. Can she turn the world on with her smile? Can she take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? The ability to toss her beanie with palpable joy would be a definite plus.

Realistically speaking, though, the only thing I'd truly care about is her age. The younger the better, as far as reproductive potential goes, so I'd be keeping a keen eye out for someone who can sign the papers no more than thirty seconds after her eighteenth birthday. Barely legal, baby.

I don't know whether the donors get any input into who their matches might be. If so, I'm in a heap of trouble, unless some forward-thinking young woman out there likes formerly promiscuous irresponsible atheist drinkers who can't stop swearing.

Any takers?