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12/13/2003
For the record
Among the photocopied pages from my file is the psychological evaluation the state requires before a couple undergoes IVF. I should note that said evaluation was performed by one of the cadre of skilled and caring mental health professionals getupgrrl captures brilliantly, velveteen and all.
I will treat you to some highlights from the report, with my comments:
They report they currently have a nice lifestyle and are not 100 percent convinced that they desire to be parents... I felt it would be dishonest not to acknowledge some reservations about the ways our life would change. We do have a comfortable life (I would never have said "lifestyle"), and children will change that drastically, in some ways for the worse. Funny, though — I never saw this as a sign of ambivalence, as the psychologist clearly did. I saw and see it more as a gesture toward pragmatism, and possibly a sign of our true commitment to having children, even though we know we'll be losing some of the things we love about our life together.
[Julie and Paul]...report a history of anxiety and depression which they seem to be managing quite well together as a team...They both deny low self-esteem...Both deny thoughts of death and suicidal ideation. No evidence of delusions or hallucinations. Oh. Good. Not delusional. Whew. And if you were looking for problems with my self-esteem, it's not low you'd need to worry about.
[Julie and Paul] are a couple coming to seek fertility treatment but with expressed ambivalence about the procedure... I think you'd have to be a nutjob fruitbat wingnut not to feel ambivalence about the procedure. They stick needles into your ovaries, for crying out loud.
They do have concerns about the new responsibilities of having a child. I think their ambivalence will enable them to accept the results of any negative outcome of this treatment. This bit near the end sent me into a rage last night, and I find myself getting sputtery about it again. Can you see why? Wait, I'll rephrase it to make the infuriating part obvious: Because they're not sure they want a child, they will breathe a sigh of relief if this voodoo shit doesn't work. First of all, we are sure we want a child, and recognizing that it won't all be moonlight, roses, and unsoiled fuzzy sleepers doesn't dull that desire. Second, I defy anyone to "accept" the "negative outcome of this treatment" — the many Gothic ways in which things have gone haywire for us this year — with anything but rage, anguish, and a feeling of powerlessness so profound that I can barely make myself pick up the phone to order the next round of drugs. If my "ambivalence" makes this easier, I'd hate to see how people with "delusions or hallucinations" about the romance of parenthood handle it.
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Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate them all.
That just kills me. I think it's the lunatics who are NOT ambivalent about having children that we need to worry about. I have long said that ambivalence is part of loving your kid -- you worry you won't do a good enough job, that you're not up to the task, that you'll resent the little buggers for screwing up a pretty comfortable life. People who are willing to admit that they have fears about being a parent tend to make good parents because they've faced that ambivalence and decided to go for it anyway.
The ones I worry about are the ones who think kids solve things like bad marriages or who think having a baby will get them the unconditional love they need instead of vice versa.
Ahhh!!!!!!! Don't you know you're supposed to walk in there and tell them you've already got a closet full of maternity clothes, a complete nursery, and a scrapbook devoted to your last miscarriage?
So did this evaluator have the power to subsequently deny you access to treatment, or to insist that you have pre-treatment counseling, if she had heard things she felt were antithetical to a "positive outcome?" Don't you wonder sometimes, who they turn down? Or do they ever turn people down? What is the point of such an evaluation? The whole thing seems eerie to me, and I'm a therapy junkie.
I just instinctively flinch whenever I see evidence that people struggling with infertility are treated like they have to "prove" something in order to become parents, like, if your bodies don't automatically produce a child, that's a warning sign that maybe you're not cut out for this whole parenthood thing.
Makes me tense in areas of my anatomy that I never knew existed!
Just once, I'd like to see a "normal" couple put through anything like the pre-baby rigamarole that infertile couples seeking a family life have to go through, whatever their choice: adoptiion or ART. Personally, I think the world would be a better place if everyone were forced to stop and reflect a bit before bringing kids into the world, but most caring folks self-regulate and do that pretty naturally, and what's ironic is that some of the most caring and soul-searching people are the ones who end up having to prove themselves. I felt that way.
Now that I'm a parent, though, I figure they probably should have screened me out. At least some days I feel like that!
did the report also note that you deny harbouring latent tendencies to genocide and kicking small puppies? sheesh.
ambivalence is normal. people who conceive naturally have ambivalence. what's not normal is saying "I will do ANYTHING to have a baby and be a screaming mess in every aspect of my life for ever if I don't".
the evaluator is an idiot. end of story.
i was one who was denied, tossed out of ivf program by a complete idiot of a psychologist. the one shrink when she interviewed me for instance asked if I was practicing my religion. I replied that I was "secular". She asked what secular meant. No, she didn't mean what it meant to me, she actually really didn't know what the word meant. After that, and after she went back to my college days to find my drug use (25 years ago) and after she kept confusing all the answers I had given her, I asked to be evaluated by the other shrink in their practice. By this time I was on the Clomid Challenge test, and having very bad reaction to the Clomid from the first day, which was a Friday. Since the RE office was unavailable over the weekend, I asked what I should do if things got really bad. They said I should go to the emergency room. I asked if there was anything i could do to ameliorate the effects of the drug, working out more, taking it earlier or later in the day, acupuncture, foods to avoid... no no no no nothing they said. OK then what if they prescribe me Valium or Xanax at the emergency room, should I take that or will it screw up my results, damage my eggs, whatever. They said it would be fine to take Valium. By the time the Clomid Challenge was over, and I had just about lost my mind, and I did not take Valium even though I had some on hand and reeeeeeeeeaaaalllly wanted to, they called and said I was rejected from the program because of my drug problem. What drug problem I asked. They said: You asked if you could take Valium. I said, yes, but you said I could, and I didn't anyway. But you asked, they said. That means you have a drug problem.
I asked if I could see a drug counselor and come back when my "drug problem" was resolved. No. Just get lost.
Oh and this was all while the Clomid was driving me insane, which continued for the next 3 months.