« Go with the flow | Main | For the record »
12/12/2003
She's crafty
My period arrived this morning, a day early. Eager to let my, uh, creative juices flow, I have scheduled a day of crafts to celebrate. Just in case any of you lead a Brownie troop, I will share my plan here.
Fun and easy menstrual projects:
- Thumbprint hamster
Supplies: Blood, paper, thumb, Sharpie.Procedure: Press thumb into blood. Press gore-soaked thumb onto paper, rocking thumb back and forth to assure even coverage. Wait for thumbprint to dry. With Sharpie, add a long tail, some tiny toesies, lovable-looking ears, cunning little snout, and three spiky whiskers on each side of face. (Evil slanted eyebrows optional.) With Sharpie, write, "Thumbody isn't pregnant!" Slip into doctor's mail slot.
- Spin-Art
Supplies: Blood, paper, scissors, salad spinner, bleach.Procedure: Cut a pleasing shape out of the paper. A heart is nice, but you might also consider the silhouette of a uterus wracked with painful cramps. Place shape flat inside salad spinner. Dribble blood onto the paper. Replace lid of salad spinner. Send shape and blood for a short whirl. Remove shape and let dry. Sanitize salad spinner with copious amounts of bleach. Place heart under windshield wiper of doctor's car.
- Untitled installation piece
Supplies: Blood, bucket, expensive automobile, cover of darkness.Procedure: Stealthily approach your reproductive endocrinologist's parking space. When coast is clear, decorate vehicle with attractive lashings of red and brown. (Some artists strive for a Pollock vibe, but I work more in the mode of Rauschenberg.) Watch carefully for approaching authorities. Scamper away as fast as your Pamprin-doped carcass will carry you.
Comments (11)
Verify your Comment
Previewing your Comment
This is only a preview. Your comment has not yet been posted.
As a final step before posting your comment, enter the letters and numbers you see in the image below. This prevents automated programs from posting comments.
Having trouble reading this image? View an alternate.
Well, thumbody cares about you. I'm sorry you got your goddamned period.
One of the things that always tormented me was having to go out and buy more "feminine protection" products. I remember one overly-optimistic cycle where I threw out this major stockpile of tampons in celebration and then had to go out, totally defeated, to replace them a couple of days later. One more way we pay and pay.
Thanks. I have a startling array of sandbags er, "feminine protection" products from the bloody aftermath of IVFs #1 and #2. My bathroom vanity looks like Proctor and Gamble's test kitchen. "Oh, the ones with wings, fins, spoilers, and a fancy license plate frame? Yeah, I got those."
I have a particularely lovely menstrual story: My acupuncturist/chiropractor/chinese herbalist suggested that I stay away from my Ibuprofen during my period since it "lowers my body temperature" (and this is apparently not good). You should know that my periods are cripplingly painful and that without my 600mg x 5/day Ibuprofen I am disabled. Well, no sacrifice is too large in the quest to get pregnant, huh? So the result is that I have the delightlful distinction of being the one partner in our firm who had to break in the middle of annual staff reviews to go and lay down in my office and wait for my cramps to ease enough for me to stand up!
Julie, I just had a grueling day - and burst out laughing at your post. God, I needed that.
Don't forget the 28 Days of Your Cycle - If You're Lucky - Diorama, as well as the Blood Clot Mobile :)!
I work as an analyst at a blood bank. Unfortunately, one day last week my uterus decided it had enough of this stretching stuff for it had been quite content being the size of a cumquat for 34 years. A miscarriage followed.
With the blood supply so low, I had visions of the lab techs chasing me out of the front doors trying to salvage the blood I was unloading enmasse.
"You there- we can smell the high iron in your blood from over here - Hey come back!"
I give this blog entry a Two-Thumbs up!
I've always found negative hpts and empty painkiller packets make an interesting mobile. The blood clots tend to drip.
Love the blog Julie! Just been catching up, whilst enjoying a nice glass of red. Oh, that's a thought - Italian women drink extra red wine during their period. No idea why, but do they really need a reason?
PS. Did I mention that I love the blog?
Dreaming,
Found this web site and thought of you, in light of your new hobby...
http://www.mum.org/
Thanks for the laughs!
Twizzle
Julie, I have another bloody art project for you. How about making blood blots, like ink blots. The next time you go to see your DR you can whip them out and ask him, "Tell me the first thing that comes to mind when you look at this blood blot."
Ahahaha, Michele, that inspires me to write today's post...
Deirdre, I'm sorry as can be about your recent miscarriage. I hope you hightailed it out of there before the lab techs could jump you.
Using craft to dull the pain of menstruation! I like it! I just got my period this morning.....I "WAS" going to throw myself under the next passing bus, but your craftiness has inspired me & I'm off to design my own t-shirt (with rhinestones) that will read "No, I'm not Pregnant, just kinda Fat"