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She's crafty

My period arrived this morning, a day early. Eager to let my, uh, creative juices flow, I have scheduled a day of crafts to celebrate. Just in case any of you lead a Brownie troop, I will share my plan here.

Fun and easy menstrual projects:

  • Thumbprint hamster

    thumbprint.jpgSupplies: Blood, paper, thumb, Sharpie.

    Procedure: Press thumb into blood. Press gore-soaked thumb onto paper, rocking thumb back and forth to assure even coverage. Wait for thumbprint to dry. With Sharpie, add a long tail, some tiny toesies, lovable-looking ears, cunning little snout, and three spiky whiskers on each side of face. (Evil slanted eyebrows optional.) With Sharpie, write, "Thumbody isn't pregnant!" Slip into doctor's mail slot.

  • Spin-Art

    Supplies: Blood, paper, scissors, salad spinner, bleach.

    Procedure: Cut a pleasing shape out of the paper. A heart is nice, but you might also consider the silhouette of a uterus wracked with painful cramps. Place shape flat inside salad spinner. Dribble blood onto the paper. Replace lid of salad spinner. Send shape and blood for a short whirl. Remove shape and let dry. Sanitize salad spinner with copious amounts of bleach. Place heart under windshield wiper of doctor's car.

  • Untitled installation piece

    audi.jpgSupplies: Blood, bucket, expensive automobile, cover of darkness.

    Procedure: Stealthily approach your reproductive endocrinologist's parking space. When coast is clear, decorate vehicle with attractive lashings of red and brown. (Some artists strive for a Pollock vibe, but I work more in the mode of Rauschenberg.) Watch carefully for approaching authorities. Scamper away as fast as your Pamprin-doped carcass will carry you.