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01/19/2004
Day 10: Great, more bad sex
"You know, everything that can go wrong with you does," my doctor just said on the phone.
That's right, friends: I ovulated.
My estrogen had increased slightly, but what was really telling was my progesterone level, which was at 4.5. Anything above 1 is apparently a reliable indicator of ovulation.
As soon as I heard his voice on the phone I knew it couldn't be good news. His recommendation was that we have sex tonight and hope that I can "pull a rabbit out of my hat" as I've done before. (You know, "pull a miracle out of thin air." Or perhaps, in my current mood of misplaced rage, "pull the poor blameless UPS delivery man's spine out through his rectum.")
I asked my doctor if he would recommend a different course of action on a future cycle — closer monitoring, a change in protocol, anything. He said he'd want to check my progesterone throughout the cycle, which isn't normally done at my clinic, but didn't offer any other thoughts about how we could keep this from occurring again. "It's just one of those things," he said.
One of those $2,000-in-drugs, crush-my-hopes-up-but-good things.
There's no point in even bothering to do an IUI at this point. We're not likely to have more than one egg in play for this cycle, even if Paul's rather immotile sperm can get to it. I can't even talk about how disgusted and angry I am, at my body and at the world.
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Julie, I don't care if it frightens you, I'm hugging you anyway.
{{{Julie}}}
I wish I was there to hug you in person.
No pity, no sympathy, just a big "that fucking bites!" from over here.
Thank you for the scary, scary hug.
Sometimes, bad news or a failed cycle will come along and take my breath away. I don't know why; it's not like I've ever done anything that has great odds of success, and the intellectual side of me knows that the chances aren't good that I'll conceive. But, still. I think that we all have to go into cycles with some seed of hope coming somewhere from inside. Otherwise, we'd never bother to get up and get back in those goddamn stirrups.
I have an on-line friend who kept ovulating before her IUI. Her problem was successfully solved with Cetrotide.
I ovulated prematurely and now use Cetrotide with each (unsuccessful) cycle . . . for what it's worth.
I'm sorry about this.
Cal
That just blows.
I can't think of a damn thing to cheer you.
How 'bout you think of the sex as non-procreative to begin with, and thus, more fun?
Ah, Julie, I'm sorry. Damnit, damnit.
Agh, I remember how we'd been having "contrived sex" for a year and a half with no results (other than starting to resent sex altogether) and people would say to us, "*wink* But it's so fun, the trying part!"
It's no fun at all. I could never get out of my willful head enough to have anything magical happen to my nerve endings.
I'm sorry. I wish there were more I could do for you (unrelenting oral.... hygiene? I'm really good at flossing).
I know there's nothing less romantic than "doctor prescribed sex," but do try, for your own sake, to make it about you and not the outcome, even for a couple of seconds. And if you can't, just use tons of lube and get it over with.
Oh. Oh, jeez. That really fucking sucks. I'm sorry.
Jeez Julie, I'm so sorry. The world deserves your hate and ire.
There's no words or solutions obviously...just maybe a lot of AA battery power? bzzzzzzz....
I am sad reading these last two entries--sad about the icky sex and sad about the premature ovulation. Anyway, as my father always says with heavy voice, "Hang in there."
--Eve P.
Shit. That sucks. Dammit!
The same thing happened to us with our first attempt at IUI with injectables. Horshack saw me ovulate right there on the ultrasound.
I'm really sorry. Wish I could think of something brilliant to say, but I'm fresh out.
Hey Julie, I am so sorry. We don't know each other (yet) but my heart just sinks when I hear about stuff like this. It's so goddamned frustrating and unfair. I don't even know if I could go through with the bad sex after that. My heart goes out to you...really.
Hey Julie,
Damn damn damn!!!! Goddammit to Hell. Im soooooo sorry. Really.
Hope you can "do the deed" with minimal regrets. (I know the feeling.)
I have been following your writings religiously...... you are a brilliant woman..... God willeventually reward you with a baby (or two). Genius like this has to be passed on.
Good luck at any rate.
Love and hugs,
Cyn
PS: Im freaked now cos MY E2 dropped on sat, but im on supression for a month now. shit shit shit!!!!
Thanks, y'all. Actually the sex was better last night a couple of drinks took me out of my head, as Mollie aptly describes it, and back into my body for a while.
And thanks for the tip about Cetrotide. Everything I'm reading says that it can have a negative impact on egg quality, though, which worries me a bit given my particular reproductive anomalies. We all know how hard a science that is, after all.
Fuck. Damn. Rats. I'm glad the sex was better and think the kids' names sound great.
I know that infertility is hard on a marriage/partnership. (In fact my article that I thought would get killed by ePreg is actually in the magazine right now although I am philosophically against TTC articles in pregnancy magazines. I think all of those managazines should carry warning labels: THIS MAGAZINE HAS BEEN KNOWN TO CAUSE PSYCHOSIS IN INFERTILE WOMEN. DO YOURSELF A FAVOR, PUT IT DOWN AND WALK AWAY. BUY YOURSELF SOME CHOCOLATE; YOU DESERVE IT.)
Anyway, in some ways it brought us closer. There is no one I'd rather have sex with when I don't at all want to have sex than Brett. Because at least we could laugh about how how unromantic and ridiculous it was. Even now that we have sex for fun (for fun of all things! crazy!) there are times I think, "Why are we doing this again?"
Old habits are hard to break.
Cheers to Vodka and Astroglide!!! May the come swiftly to your womb!