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01/05/2004
"I'm sorry." And leave it at that.
Yesterday someone found this site by searching for the term:
Thank you, anonymous searcher, for having the sense and kindness to know that there are appropriate things to say. (Contrast this with the preponderance of jackasses whose outpourings of wisdom resemble nothing so much as a broken sewer main.)
As a rule of thumb, I will say that funny hats and noisemakers are probably not in order.
But you may need more detail than that. Always eager to please, I will make a short list of some comments that might be appropriate:
- "I'm so sorry."
- "Oh, God, you must feel rotten. How are you holding up?"
- "Do you want to talk about it?"
- "FUCK. I was really hoping this would be the one!"
- "What can I do to help? Cook you dinner? Take care of your pets for a few days while you're feeling low? Bring over a fifth and get you really, really shitfaced?"
And, ever the completist, I will list some comments that will not be helpful in the slightest:
- "I know how you feel." No, you don't. You couldn't possibly, no matter how eager you are to share my burden. (Note: Even if you've been through several failed IVFs of your own, this is not the time to shift the conversation to yourself.)
- "It just wasn't meant to be." Thanks for the help, Nostradamus. Now shut your couplet-spouting trap.
- "You can always try again." You know what? At $15,000 a pop, maybe I can't.
- "Maybe you should just accept the situation and move on." Hey, great idea! *smacking forehead* I'll just accept the situation. Why, as soon as I set my mind to it I'll be over my grief in a jiffy! I'll move on. Now why didn't I think of that? Who needs the worthless baggage of lifelong dreams, anyway? Thanks! I feel much better now.
I'm sure this has been helpful.
Posted by Julie at 05:29 PM in I've learned a lot...but I'm not sure it's worth it. | Permalink
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Comments (6)
Fab! My only addition to the list of appropriate comments would be "Let me give you $15,000 for your next cycle".
Perhaps you could also do one for appropriate comments during the cycle? I can't be the only one who had a friend ask two days after transfer if "I could feel anything yet"?
Sadly the only thing I could feel was the incessant dripping of the progesterone suppositories. Nice.
Posted by: Tess at Jan 5, 2004 6:51:03 PM
I detest the "It just wasn't meant to be" line.
What the demon fairies in my head want me to say, "Hey fucktard - would you use that same goddamn line on a parent of a child who just died of leukemia?!"
"No? Well why the fuck not?! Hey - don't look at me as though I am the insensitive, Bunny-Boiler whacko here."
Thankfully, I medicate those faeries often.
Posted by: Deirdre at Jan 5, 2004 7:20:49 PM
Oooh, I just can't stand it. I keep creeping back here, laughing my fucking head off and drinking some more.
I posted to you, um, a millenia ago when I first began to suspect that my crappy hcg levels were indeed a harbinger to my sixth miscarriage. Then they went up! But not enough. Then there was a heartbeat! But it was slow. Another heartbeat! Fast! Good growth! Hold on... hold on... No, just fucking with you... fetal demise confirmed last Monday just shy of 10 weeks.
We have the dreaded "genetic issue" that all good doctors check for when you start having more miscarriages than, say, freakles. We also had pregnacy number five turn into a surprise baby boy, so it is not all bleak.
I thought I would share my Best Things to Say to an Habitual Aborter, Top Five:
5. So, you must not get morning sickness. (This is a sly way for idiots to gauge the health of their own first trimester pregnancies. Obviously my pregnancies are all doomed doomed doomed from the start- I am just too fucking stupid to realize it- whereas they should certainly be decorating the nursery since the smell of orange juice made them GAG (positively GAG) this morning.)
4. I meant to say something earlier about your pregnancy, but I was afraid you might miscarry again. (Loss #4 occurred at 19 weeks, thus anything shy of that is considered, shall we say, just a little pregnant by our nearest and dearest.
3. It must be easier for you since you have been through it so many times before.
2. It must be easier for you since you have a son. (actually debatable and possibly true, but still a fucking awful thing to say. Why yes, now that you mention it, becoming a mother has rendered me completely insensible to the allure of a living baby. I just get pregnant to spend time at the OB's office.)
1. At least you can get pregnant (My mother-in-law put this is a goddamned NOTE after we lost the baby at 19 weeks. As in: "I am so sorry to hear of your recent problem, but...")
So, enough about me. I adore you and I hope the new year brings you everything your funky little heart desires. You sent me by way of Chez Miscarriage last time, for which I am forever in your debt. I need to send her a billet-doux as well.
Julia
Posted by: Julia at Jan 5, 2004 11:48:07 PM
Hey, it's a fellow Julia! Hmm... perhaps our names are to blame?! Why not? It sounds like as sound a theory as any one my docs are proferring right now.
I just love the list of suggestions. I love even more that someone bothered to find out what's appropriate! And even better than that - it dawned on her that she should say something!
By the way... how in heck to you find out what people are searching when they stumble upon your blog?! I've found stats, but that's it.
Posted by: Julia at Jan 6, 2004 10:23:55 AM
I am crazy about all these Julias.
Julia of the breathtaking top five: I remember your earlier post and was saddened by it. Even saddened-er to hear that you had to endure having your hopes raised, only to have them stomped on once again. I hope you're doing okay.
Most recent Julia: To find out what people are searching on, hold your mouse over the referring address in the stats — the URL should appear in the bottom frame of your browser window, often revealing the search terms. Or you can just click the referring address.
Beware. You learn some very unpleasant things about people from what they're searching for, from "help I would rather be dead then pregnant" to "knife cervix impaled" to "my own son got me pregnant."
Posted by: Julie at Jan 6, 2004 12:14:11 PM
Hello. Just had to add one innaproppriate comment. We aren't trying to get pg by way of IVF but just suffered through our third miscarriage on 6/8/04 and when my husband told his mother, her response to him was, "Well don't you dare go pick up some 7-11 floozy because of this." Huh??? ok then, I knew I disliked that woman since she wore black to our wedding and cried like she was at a funeral. Her response to me was I tried to soon after surgery(which I had 12/31/02) and it was all my fault for not waiting longer. What surgery, gastric bypass whereI went from a whopping 393 to a bumpy 205.
Kris
Posted by: Kris at Jun 12, 2004 4:35:53 PM
