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The law of conservation of splatter

Since getupgrrl's body is currently reluctant to cooperate, my body has apparently volunteered to step into the breach and cover the job for her. I shall explain.

The day before my period actually arrives, every system in my body conspires to be as revolting as possible. My digestive tract efficiently voids itself of every atom of waste matter it can find, ejecting it enthusiastically from both ends. My skin breaks out in a Milky Way of blemishes so luminous they would have inspired Magellan to pitch the goddamn astrolabe into the briny drink and navigate solely by zitlight. Several new chins arrive overnight thanks to the tidal forces of monthly bloat. And I am fairly certain I smell. Bad.

This is in a normal month, mind you. But today — cycle day 27 — the symptoms are so much more severe than usual that I'm convinced that this month I'm menstruating for two. It's the least a friend could do.

No need to thank me. It's nothing. Really.