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01/07/2004
The law of conservation of splatter
Since getupgrrl's body is currently reluctant to cooperate, my body has apparently volunteered to step into the breach and cover the job for her. I shall explain.
The day before my period actually arrives, every system in my body conspires to be as revolting as possible. My digestive tract efficiently voids itself of every atom of waste matter it can find, ejecting it enthusiastically from both ends. My skin breaks out in a Milky Way of blemishes so luminous they would have inspired Magellan to pitch the goddamn astrolabe into the briny drink and navigate solely by zitlight. Several new chins arrive overnight thanks to the tidal forces of monthly bloat. And I am fairly certain I smell. Bad.
This is in a normal month, mind you. But today — cycle day 27 — the symptoms are so much more severe than usual that I'm convinced that this month I'm menstruating for two. It's the least a friend could do.
No need to thank me. It's nothing. Really.
Posted by Julie at 02:34 PM | Permalink
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Comments (15)
are your sure it's her your menstruating for? Could it be for me??? You know something funny, it's not until I was well into my twenties that someone told me they also got the runs in the days leading up to their period. I must have been 24 or 25 before I realised it wasn't just me!!!! Things my mother should have told me about....
Posted by: virginia at Jan 7, 2004 2:52:44 PM
Maybe she's menstruating for all of us. Maybe this is the logical endpoint of pheromone theory - not only do we all menstruate at the same time, but one of us can menstruate for everyone at once. Go Julie! Thanks for taking the hit for the team!
Posted by: getupgrrl at Jan 7, 2004 3:05:37 PM
Well at least it is good to know that I am not alone in the Foul Body PMS. Insult to injury if you ask me.
Posted by: oliviadrab at Jan 7, 2004 3:06:38 PM
Aunt Flo can bite me arse.
Posted by: Amanda at Jan 7, 2004 3:35:26 PM
Damn. I think I'm gonna have to take on Aunt Flo by myself... must make mental note to sync up my cycles so I can hand the bitch off to someone else from time to time.
Posted by: Julia at Jan 7, 2004 4:00:50 PM
nonono - I'm here with you Julie. Consider us partners in crime.
Posted by: KJB at Jan 7, 2004 4:41:29 PM
Grateful women the world over will begin praying to me, thanking me for taking on the menstrual burden for all womankind.
Any minute now I'll be bigger than Jesus.
Posted by: Julie at Jan 7, 2004 5:23:32 PM
Apparently, when I go on coumadin, a blood thinner, (because of my bionic valve) I will bleed rivers of blood when "Aunt Flo" visits me. I'm really looking forward to that, because I feel gipped from the measly 3 to 4 days I experience now.
Posted by: Shelba at Jan 7, 2004 7:05:55 PM
You know, my dad's on Coumadin, but he didn't mention anything about heavier periods.
Posted by: Julie at Jan 7, 2004 7:12:46 PM
How about the pill? Did he say anything about having to stop his prescription? I hear that the pill clashes with coumadin.
Posted by: Shelba at Jan 7, 2004 8:02:53 PM
oh julie, you have had a horrid sad stressful month. biochemistry being the evil mad cow that she is, it only makes sense that you get the period from hell just to throw some salt in the wound.
"navigate by zitlight"...i love it! i can't shake the image of ships beached in front of arcades and 7-11s, though.
hope its over and you get your chin back soon.
Posted by: jc at Jan 7, 2004 10:56:04 PM
Shelba, my dad didn't say anything about the pill — for as long as I've known him he's had an IUD.
jc, when the universe decides to kick my ass, it seems determined to deliver a thorough, steel-toed kickin'. I am chortling at the thought of dangerous jerky-laden shoals outside a convenience store, luring entire crews to their Slurpee-splattered doom.
Posted by: Julie at Jan 7, 2004 11:49:25 PM
Oh you and Shelba are making me laugh!!! So much hilarity in such sorrow!!! Where *were* you guys back when we were TTC??? I could've used these journals then, my gosh! Instead I hung out with this lovely but annoying group of women who would tell me that my baby was sitting up in heaven just smiling down on me. I so could have used a hearty chuckle when times got rough -- way more energizing and empowering, I think!!!
Posted by: Dawn at Jan 7, 2004 11:51:40 PM
I have nothing more to add, except profound appreciation for the 7-Eleven metaphors! I bow once again to the masters!
Posted by: Julia at Jan 8, 2004 10:56:00 AM
i came on this website crying. now i smile at knowing there are people out there as wacky as i am. the world is suddenly a better place
Posted by: carolyn at Jun 23, 2004 1:56:04 AM
