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01/26/2004
Spent too much time dicking around online: -1
When my friends want to comfort me, they tell me, "You'll be a great mother." The unspoken "...someday" doesn't bother me. I prefer to focus instead on the affirmation, the confidence that I might not ruin my children beyond repair. Not immediately upon returning from the hospital after their birth, anyway.
Because, see, I have my doubts. At bedrock I'm a very selfish person. I have moments of breathtaking irresponsibility. I care too little about what other people think, especially important people, especially authority figures. I'm careless about money. I still call my brother names, and I don't like to share.
I seldom floss.
Sometimes I try to look objectively at my fitness to be a parent. Some days are better than others. Today, so far, I appear to be coming out ahead.
| Activity | Score |
|---|---|
| When awakened by the hungry cat, grouchily swatted him away, muttering, "Jackass, you can wait." | -5 |
| Remembered not to use all of the hot water, conserving it for Paul’s shower | +7 |
| Added to hot water reserves by flushing toilet during Paul’s shower | -2 |
| Successfully soothed scalded husband, avoiding an inconvenient trip to the emergency room | +6 |
| Put on yesterday’s clothes again today because, hey, I didn’t sweat much | -1 |
| Carefully separated lights from darks before loading the washer | +3 |
| Missed a red dish towel | -3 |
| Did not rebleach the load, deciding that wearing pink underpants would not significantly undermine Paul’s masculinity | -2 |
| Baked a batch of brownies just because Paul hadn’t had a treat lately | +6 |
| Surveying the chocolate supply, said, "Fuck it," and used the Callebaut | +8 |
| Said "Fuck it" aloud | -1 |
| Ate breakfast, the most important meal of the day | +2 |
| It was brownies… | -1 |
| Four of them. | -3 |
| Upon receiving new school pictures of every child I know, mounted them dutifully on the refrigerator | +3 |
| Tossed the older pictures in the garbage instead of lovingly preserving them in acid-free lightproof boxes | -1 |
| Paid the monthly bills…. | +2 |
| December’s monthly bills | -5 |
| Swigged deeply from the week-old bottle of wine on the counter before tipping the remainder down the drain | -3 |
| Had a week-old bottle of wine on the counter to begin with | -3 |
However, I cannot say what the rest of the day will bring. Every moment is ripe with possibility.
Comments (12)
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Brownies for breakfast? I fail to see the negative in that. Especially if they had nuts. But that's just me.
You'll be perfect, a little quirky, funny, smart and witty, always adventurous and never-boring!
I think back to my mom and she was a freak but all of those freaky things she did I cherish and miss the most. Like when I was in the 5th grade, she made me get undressed so she could check to see if I had grown and "pubies" yet. Or like the time she got drnk and came to my 6th grade softball game and cheered me on, calling me her "Weinerschnitzel" out-loud, in front of all my friends. If she was a perfect dull, ordinary, plain-jane, vanilla, everything is perfect mom, what kind of cool memories would I have?
P.S. I moved here:
http://andreah.typepad.com/andreah/
Ahh, Julie! There really is nothing like a good chart to amuse. I like your scoring system, but you can't possibly score as low as I do with my purseless, nail-biting, unkempt, lazy, sharing-HATING (sharing sucks), quiet-seeking, cooking-HATING, routine-HATING, intemperate ways. And, look, I manage--sometimes I even think I do an amusing (if not quality) job of it all. YOU WILL ROCK (as long as you continue to be cranky and bitter...let go of that, though, and you might be doomed).
Wishing, as always, for sooner--MUCH sooner--rather than later. Go little Paul sperm! Go Julie eggs!
I want some of those brownies, dammit.
Airlifting brownies to infertile friend: +100
If my friends and I are any indication, you're gonna be just fine as a mother. Just remember to hide the brownies from the kids, because their little growing bodies need healthy breakfasts (but your bigger body can handle it)!!
Um, is it me, or did you neglect to give yourself points for getting out of bed in the first place? If it weren't for those few brownie points, I'd forever be in the red.
You know, at some point putting on yesterday's clothes might become a plus. By the way, a bottle of wine lasts you a whole week??!! I bought a bottle of wine yesterday and it was gone before I went to bed (and hubby doesn't drink!).
Actually, ADD points for wearing clothing the second day. Not only do you conserve resources for future child's use, you get good practice for being a harried mom who's too busy to wash her OWN clothes yet again.
Hee hee. I loved your self-assessment. :)
Yes, but would you Choose Jif?
Compassion: check. Sense of Humor: check. I'd say you've got it all, babe.
Just remember this: whatever you do, do it consistently. Kids love routine. Even if it's Liquid Plummr® through a crazy straw.
Thank you, Jesus: Mollie's back.