« Mother love | Main | My work here is done. »
02/18/2004
At least I know
Cyn asked:
Well...I don't know.
Is it more frustrating to endure the disappointment of bad cycle after bad cycle when I know I can get pregnant? For me, nah. I now know my body can do part of its job, with one hell of a lot of help, and that may in fact be what motivates me to continue. If I hadn't gotten pregnant on my first two IVF cycles, I don't think I'd still be pursuing ART now — my past pregnancies are more inspiring than frustrating. Although they could well have been flukes, I prefer to see them as proof that perseverance may yet pay off.
At least you know you can get pregnant. I hear this a lot. And it's true. I do know that. I don't yet know that I can conclude a pregnancy with a healthy infant at the end, but I've already had more encouraging outcomes than many infertile women ever know. It's what keeps me going — the deep desire to feel that bone-deep happiness again, and the knowledge that I still have a chance at it.
I'd love to hear what the rest of you say. We all wear our hair shirts differently, after all. (I like mine with a V-neck, please, to showcase my rather opulent rack, and nipped in at the waist so you can see that despite all odds, I still actually have one.)
Comments (45)
Verify your Comment
Previewing your Comment
This is only a preview. Your comment has not yet been posted.
As a final step before posting your comment, enter the letters and numbers you see in the image below. This prevents automated programs from posting comments.
Having trouble reading this image? View an alternate.
I dunno... I've only had failed cycles, never actually gotten pregnant, so I can only speculate here. but I do find a certain comfort in knowing I never actualygot pregnant, because I just don't know how I would deal with knowing I could *get* pregnant and couldn't carry to term. That seems even more heart-wrenchign to me. But then again, I've had my heart plenty-a-wrenched without the stick turning pink...
Hi!
Hmmm this is a tough one. I went through more failed cycles than I care to remember (oh ok--7 Clomid, 3 injectibles, 1 IVF) and I kept telling my RE that I'd feel better if I just got pregnant--even if I miscarried. Then the cycle after IVF #1 I had a super early m/c (didn't even think I was pregnant--I was having b/w to determine if I had AF; I have crazy bleeding issues). I was more sad that I hadn't even one moment of the wow--I'm pregnant kind than I was of m/c'ing. Then IVF #2 resulted in a low beta that climbed to 961 (didn't get to enjoy that either since I was pretty sure that embryo wasn't going to make it). Here I am with ER tomorrow for IVF #3 and the whole cycle all I could do was ask myself which was worse--another negative or another miscarriage. I've decided to be pragmatic. At least a little HCG resets my insurance and I get 3 more tries at the wonderful world of IVF...
Jen
I try so hard to avoid the wretched game of, "My pain is greater than yours" because at the end of the day, everyone's got something shitty with which to deal.
I've never had an HPT even think about producing a second line, so I have nothing to which I can compare my experience. Obviously, the brick walls I keep hitting aren't knocking any sense into me, because I'm not giving up yet.
After giving that disclaimer, I tend to think that women with repeat losses have it worse. When you get to this stage of the game, I think you can assume that having a child is pretty high on the priority list. And that miscarriage destroys all of the dreams that must come flodding in, bidden or not, the minute you get the good news. The fucking unfairness of it all is nearly too much to bear, I would suppose.
My experiences have only been with miscarriages, so I can't speak to which is worse, but I will say that despite my repeated failure at carrying a child to term, I am grateful for the little bits of pregnancy that I have experienced. It's a meager joy, but it's all mine.
A tough one indeed. I waver on the issue. At times I comfort myself by concluding that I can at least be treated for my "issues" through insurance because I'm being treated for multiple miscarriages instead of infertility (which, of course, is one of the most effed up concepts around). But perhaps is was my first loss, which occured so late in the game (six months) that kept me from feeling that achieving pregnancy was the goal. To me, it seems sort of like telling a runner who's been injured mid-race "Well, at least you can get out of the blocks." Yes, I can, but what I really want is to cross that finish line.
What does pregnancy get me but a drawer full of momentos, and endless journal entries to children that will never read them. Oh, and a pile of therapists bills.
I think both isssue come with their own problems. But I am trying to see the positive side of the one I landed on.
Yeah, in general I'm reluctant to think in comparative terms. We're all eager to feel that our misery is unique, and it is, but we often make what I consider to be a mistake: believing that there's some universal ranking system that should govern feelings.
You know, I lost my baby at 15 weeks, and that's worse than not getting pregnant at all. Or, She already has kids, so it can't be as bad for her. Or, At least you know you can get pregnant...I don't even have that.
I can see certain situations as intrinsically worse than others; I'm not exempt from that temptation. But I can only look into my own heart to make that judgment, only apply it to what I know about myself. I can't impose my ideas about how I'd feel onto anyone else. And why would I want to?
I could believe that I have it worse than a woman having difficulty conceiving a second child. At least she has one already. But what if that woman is nearing the end of her reproductive years, while I'm still smack in the middle of mine, with money and stamina to continue treatment?
Someone else might look at what I've written over the last year and think, Christ, I could never go through that. But she probably could, if she had a loving husband and a sense of humor, to say nothing of a generous handful of Percocets.
I could tell myself the couple who succeeded on their first IVF know nothing about real pain. But what if their marriage came apart as a result? What if their child was born severely premature? What if?
It isn't a contest of any kind and if it were, it's not a trophy I'd want to take home.
Julia, of course you're right: a healthy, living child is the goal, and anything short of that is a failure, period. And failure hurts like a motherfucker.
That is hard to say.
I have never had any confirmation that I can even get pregnant...so right now, I feel like getting those lines on that little stick would make me the happiest person ever. Even if my period showed up right after that. At least I would have some idea that dh and I could get pregnant. And would have somehwere to go from there.
That being said, I don't know what a miscarraige would do to me. I would probably lock myself in the bathroom and never come out. But I would feel like I had gotten a step further on the path toward having a baby. Right now I feel like I am stuck in the blocks and can't get anywhere.
No matter what, it all sucks, it all hurts. The bottom line is that not having a baby it what hurts, it doesn't matter how that occurs.
The miscarriages have left deep, deep scars on my soul. To see a heartbeat one day and then a few weeks later to see it disappear withough warning has been devastating. They have even been more haunting after having a child.
S.
That is the magical question, huh? As someone who went through 9 cycles of treatment (including 4 IVFs in which 2 ended in early miscarriage) I remember that drive oh-so-well. I guess after that last IVF failure something just changed in my mindset and I went from the determination to have my own biological child and grieving because I couldn't...to the mindset that I would love ANY child as my own and we went to adoption. The grief was hard, obviously I went through 4 rounds of IVF, but after that last one, it just changed. Six months later, I became a mom to Ethan through adoption.
Then, if you remember when I actually had a pregnancy accident (by some miracle) a few months ago, and miscarried. There was actually a HUGE relief because during those couple weeks I was pregnant, I was a major stress case every day wondering if each time I felt something, was I miscarrying? I was relieved after it was over because I don't think *I* couldn't handle 9 months of that kind of hourly stress.
Only you know how much is enough, and whether to know if you should pursue another round. {{hugs}}
To (badly) paraphrase getupgrrl, sorrows aren't meant to be lined up at the gate and set off with a starter's pistol. And too often women really try to one-up each other. Honestly, I do think preimary IF is worse than secondary because you have one child (by secondary I mean you are someone with a happy and healthy kid in yor house). I have dreamed of being a mother forever and it's so far out of my hands. I imagine it must be painful to realize the baby having part of your life is over and the family in your head won't match the one in real life (and some of you secondary people have gone through far worse than just that, I don't mean to minimize it)--but at least there is a child in your life. I would never say "You have no right to complain about infertility if you already have a child," because it sucks, and it sucks for everybody. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, even asshat SILS.
But I am not confident I can ever be a mother--"What if we fail a homestudy? what if we can never save the money? Or what if no one ever picks us? Oh my God, I really truly cannot get pregnant, I never thought I'd be here..." If you have one child, you're in a better place than that, if only marginally. And most of you here seem to well and truly know it.
In my current headspace I think I would rather continue in my sad, never been pregnant way than have to suffer a miscarriage. I think about how happy I was one month, when my period was late and I was having what I was positive were pregnancy symptoms. I was elated even thinking I might be pregnant. Then the test said no (I still wince going into that drugstore) and then my period started. And I was laid so very low for days. It was right around then that I found this place and all your wonderful sister blogs, actually, and it was more soothing and comforting than you can even know. I'd felt half-dead from two and a half years of this, and being able to laugh brought me back from the brink.
I think about that giddy high, and that huge crash. And I think what the crash would be like if I had gotten a postive test, and a doubling beta, and all that excitement. If I had seen my baby, and then known she or he died. And I can't even think about what some of you have gone through with regard to D&C and/or termination.
More than anything, though, you all have my heart. We all have come here because of the pain of infertility, and supporting each other through that is more important than the specifics of each case.
I just wanted to pipe up once more and say how happy I am to know such intelligent, caring, witty, and often pee-your-pants-funny women. Where else could you see such an understanding conversation about such a touch subject?
[in a false drunken slur with arms thrown around your respective cyber-necks] I luv you guys!
My situation is a bit different. My husband and I (before we got married) had been tentatively trying for a baby and were never successful. Then we found out he has HIV when he was applying for life insurance. Our whole life is turned upside down. I asked God "Isn't it hard enough that we're 19 years apart in age?" I was damn lucky to have come out negative my self, even after a few years of testing every 6 months. He asked me if I still wanted to marry him. I wouldn't have forgiven myself if I left him. But I couldn't help thinking "Would I be with him if I knew about his HIV before we started dating? Probably not. I probably never would have dated him." I was so ashamed of that. But then came the questions of, "Are we still going to be able to have kids?" Here I am being told that my husband will probably be taken away from me sooner than he should, and now I can't even have his children? I know from my own experience growing up that genetics has a lot to do with personality. How could I become pregnant by someone I don't even know? There are anti-viral gels available but my husband isn't even willing to try them. Adoption, from what I've read is not a likely option because of hubby's HIV. So, I'm here because I don't even have the hope of trying to get pregnant the normal way. I guess this is kinda like male-factor infertility. But I don't even know if I'll be able to get pregnant. I've been sexually active since I was 14 and never even had a scare. So, what would I do then? I've tried coming to terms with the possibility of not having kids, but the idea devistates me. Do you think I'd be able to adopt privately or something? I need a lot more info.
I agree with Amy that primary IF would be harder. I have a two year old son and lost my 2nd baby(at 8 weeks) on jan 26th(my son's b-day). If I had lost him or had never been pregnant I would have stopped at nothing to have a child. Now that I already have one if I fail to get pregnant or m/c again I'm not going to try anymore. And while losing that baby was the most heartwrenchingly painful thing I have ever gone through, that pain is mine, and I would rather live with that pain and the love that comes with than not have been able to love that baby at all.
p.s. is heartwrenchingly a word? sometimes I make them up.
What I've found hardest about getting pregnant but then miscarrying is that is resets the clock for getting off this heart-wrenching infertility ride.
I've miscarried twice, and both pregnancies were after a year of trying to conceive. So now I'm only about eight months into trying for the third time, but it's been three years of wanting to be a parent.
So it's been three years - should we just move on to adoption? But we've only been trying for eight months this time, and we know we can get pregnant. Yet we're obviously sub-sub-sub-fertile and just getting into heavy ART.
I can't help thinking that if I had never been able to get pregnant, we would have done the injectibles cycles by now, and we would have had our IVF failures, and it would have all sucked mightily (not that the alternative didn't ...). But we would have given it our best shot and we could just move on to adoption.
As I was getting my hair done today, I overheard the lady next to me and her hairdresser complaining about how when you're pregnant people come up and touch your stomach. I think they both missed the point that people do that because they are excited for the pregnant woman. I imagine that most of you would be overjoyed if you had a pregnant belly for people to touch. I haven't tried to get pregnant because I'm not ready to have kids yet. I suspect I will have problems though, as I have been diagnosed with PCOS.
When I miscarried my first pregnancy after a year of TTC and 6 months of infertility treatment (conceived with clomid and IUI), I really was relieved to know I could get pregnant although I was so sad to loose my baby. With that loss I also lost that innocence of believing that once I got pregnant all would be ok and I would never ever be completely thrilled about a pg again -- there was always fear with pgs after that.
Then, when I didn't get pg again after having major surgery (myomectomy - to remove a fibroid), 4 more IUIs and an IVF, I started to believe that my one pregnancy was a complete fluke and I'd never have a child of my own. I was in complete dispair. In the meantime we also found out about my autoimmune issues (APA+, ANA+ and thyroid antibodies + which would make maintaining a pregnancy more complex and difficult), add that to PCOS, endometriosis and my age (36 at the time)and I was pretty depressed and sure that I would never get to be a mom. Furthermore, my husband was anti-adoption (something we SHOULD have talked about before marriage) so I was totally devistated because my drive to have children, adopted or biological was so strong that I was seeing my marriage possibly going down the tubes at the same time as my fertility.
And then I had my little miracle (which I hate to tell people because they then throw the old "see it happened when you weren't even trying, I told you you just needed to relax" garbage at me). Truthfully, I believe it was the super-ovulation drugs I was on for the IVF which had some latency effect which caused me to ovulate at all since I NEVER did on my own, so I truly believe it was due to ART that I conceived at all and not just dumb luck or "relaxing"! (Hell, I went 108 days without a period before getting a provera-induced one and the next cycle was 80+ days! That's half a year right there!)
Anyway, once I had my baby (after much worry and anxiety) I thought I could be happy, but the truth was that I never stopped wanting to have more than one child and I was surprised at how very, very sad I would get when I thought I might only have this one.
I'm not saying that secondary infertility is harder or worse than primary infertility, because I don't think that is true. I believe primary infertility is much harder. I DID get to have my baby, I DID get to experience pregnancy, etc. But I was surprised at the intensity of sadness I felt at the thought that Alyssa might be an only child and that I would never again get to have another baby. I mean, I had always wanted 4 children!!! I knew that dream was impossible, but I yearned for more than one.
Even worse was when people would tell me (and most hurtful my mom was the the biggest culpret of this) "don't be greedy" when I mentioned how much I wanted another child. It used to make me so mad! I mean, why is it GREEDY for me to want another child just because it was so hard for me to conceive. No one would tell someone else who could have children easily that their desire for another child was "greedy"! Heck, it would be practically expected!!! It didn't make me appreciate what I already had any LESS. Just because I wanted more than one child didn't mean I didn't KNOW that I was already lucky to at least have ONE. I mean I know so many women who have tried for as long or longer than I have and still don't have one child. But I didn't think my desire was GREEDY, I think it was normal.
Fortunately my husband was in agreement with me that we would go back to trying whatever ART we needed to to have at least one more child. I also knew that with PCOS having had one child, my chances to conceive again would be the best shortly after having the first as my hormones which were regulated by the pregnancy and breastfeeding wouldn't be quite so "out of whack" as if I waited longer (much like taking bcps can sometimes help women with PCOS regulate their hormones and they conceive in the first 2 - 3 months off the pill, but then their hormones get too far out of whack again).
At any rate, once I started getting my periods again, we wanted to start TTC but then my hubby was living in another state!!!!!! Talk about birth control!!! Still, once he was home again I took some clomid I had left over from way back when and amazingly I got pg the first month. I know I'm completely and totally lucky and I hope that I'm not upsetting all you wonderful ladies who are still struggling so much, but I've also never, ever, ever taken my good fortune for granted. If anything, I hope that just maybe I can lend a message of HOPE with my story. I went from believing I'd never ever have a child, to having 2 pregnancies in 2 years!
Sorry this is so long, but once I get started I just can't seem to stop.
I have no boobs so I'll take the shirt that says five pregnancies all ending in miscarriages sucks. A crack addict can get me pregnant but a Harvard trained doctor cannot keep the pregnancies going.
Count me in the bitter bitch barren category who despises all who can get pregnant. But, I am an atotrney so bitterness comes as naturally as the ease of Astroglide into infertile vagina.
Carrie Jo, I cannot even imagine what you and your husband have been through. (((HUGS)))
With me, I have had miscarriage after miscarriage, some that were ART/acupuncture-pregnancies, some without assistance. One failed IUI.
For me, miscarriage feels worse than infertility. It sucked to get a negative month after month, but what sucked worse for me was to get a positive, get excited and start (uncontrollably) planning for the future, then start bleeding.
I have stopped testing. I can't handle it. When I don't know I was ever pregnant, I can't feel grief for yet another lost soul. It's just like the old saying "ignorance is bliss".
I don't really do the suffering contest, but it seemed like everyone around me does. My boss at the time I had the second miscarriage told me, "Well, it could have been worse. Our friends lost a baby at 38 weeks." I felt awful for them, but I wanted to kill my boss. I got a lot of "At least you know you can get pregnant." Folks who haven't been through it to some degree don't understand how meaningless that can be, how inadvertently cruel. The comparisons only serve to invalidate someone's pain. So I'm relieved that people here try to steer clear of that.
That said, I have to admit I take some comfort in my two brief pregnancies -- the first one was at 6 weeks when we figured out it was an ectopic, and it shredded that innoncence of being able to feel joy about a pregnancy. The second one made it to about 9 weeks before we learned there was no heartbeat, and those 9 weeks were amazing. I was on edge the whole time, but enjoying it anyway -- I had morning sickness, fatigue, couldn't stand smells, all this stuff I'd read about and had longed to have. I got to have just a few weeks of imagining, got to have that "oh, wow" moment with the pregnancy test, got to sit in the midwives' office not as a grieving, bleeding infertile patient but as a happy pregnant woman.
So yeah, I am thankful I got what I did. But if anyone else were ever to say that to me, I'd still be filled with murderous wrath. Nobody gets to say what I should be grateful for but me.
Jo said: Nobody gets to say what I should be grateful for but me.
Oh. Man. I want that embroidered on a pillow, printed on a bumper sticker, emblazoned on a T-shirt stretched across my luscious rack.
J.J., you're absolutely right about the clock being reset. When I think about it, I find I'm almost resentful of last year's pregnancies I spent so much time waiting for them to resolve that I lost valuable time that I could have spent on additional cycles.
I am entirely aware of how fucked up that is.
I'm with Julia, by the way, on the sloppy drunken love.
Like many of the women here, I get pregnant very easily. I just can't stay that way. I've had three miscarriages so far, all before we ever saw a heartbeat. Tomorrow I may find out that I'm having a fourth. It's my first ultrasound in a six-week pregnancy, and so far the numbers don't look encouraging.
"At least you can get pregnant" kind of worked for me with the first two miscarriages, when I had hope that they were just flukes. But now that it's clear I have some serious issues that no one seems able to solve, it's cold comfort. I didn't even get excited when I saw those two lines this time around, because I know that my kind of "pregnant" doesn't really count for much.
Having said that, I couldn't possibly presume that my pain is worse than anyone else's. Recurrent miscarriage is a terrible thing, and all the dashed hopes (not to mention the D&C's) have certainly taken their toll on me. I'm not the same person I was before all of this started. But I am sure that going through ART treatments without results is devastating as well. We're all grieving lost children, whether we've held them in our minds or our bodies.
Lot of really good comments- I've pondered this question many times. I'm in the category of ttc a second child, and I'm a get-pregnant-easy-but-can't-stay-that-way. I've thought through all of my miscarriages, this has to be a little bit easier for me, because I do have a child to hold. It still hurts to not have another...but I have to be grateful to have been blessed with one. As for the what's harder: not getting pg. or getting pg. and miscarrying...that is one I can't answer. I have to agree with Karen, in that the thrill of seeing the pink line is no longer exciting for me. It doesn't hold much hope of an actual baby anymore. In fact, the last time I felt pregnant I didn't even bother to test. I just waited for the bleeding, thinking it would be easier to not have known. Which makes it sound like I think it would be better to not get pregnant, but then if I were in that situation I might wish for at least the hope that comes with getting pregnant...so in conclusion...I don't know.
WHOA. This was a little more than I counted on. Well we all got that off our chests, now didn't we?
I can't help but think my shrink would be pleased to read all this "sharing & soul bearing" I unintentionally instigated.That's where I ended up......14+yrs of Monster in law (living with me) AND infertility/ART ended me up there.*shudder*.
All of these emotions, in all of these very different situations, are all equally devastating. Strangely, I CAN understand and EMPATHIZE if not sympathize each and every one. I've had 15+ cycles of Clomid alone over the years. Not to mention all the failed injectibles and now IVF. I was trying the other day to count how many times I've had a Neg hcg......at least 30 (incl all the HPT's i did before I woke up and started with the ART), it all became a blurry mess after that. Shit. I'm not saying my case is worse than anyone else's" (Although, I think Carrie Jo got fucked royally in the grand scheme of things. You poor darling.)
I AM fortunate that I have Arianna. I went through hell to get her, hell to deliver her (she almost died during delivery)and every mother's worst nightmare, hearing the death rattle in your 15 month old's lungs and seeing her turn blue with no pulse after a seizure and whatever else casued all this.. Thank God for that boring as hell MANDATORY Health & Safety Class in High School where I learned CPR. It let me bring my baby back to life. I'm luckier than most, I gave her life TWICE. When the paramedics & fire dept. arrived, and I told them what happened, they were just staring at me in shock.
I guess Jo said it best and i think it stands for all of us: "I am thankful I got what I did. But if anyone else were ever to say that to me, I'd still be filled with murderous wrath. Nobody gets to say what I should be grateful for but me."
I can only imagine what I'll get from y'all about my "brother" in law on the previous thread. I'll go don my armor! (haha)
Cyn
PS: My Boobs are too damn huge....a G cup, and natural. IF I get pregnant, I'm considering selling by the 1/2 pound after I'm through breast feeding. Each one weighs 12lbs, I shit you not! I plunked them on a scale for the hell of it once. A natural alternative to Silicone. (did I make you guys smile yet? I hope so) This will do it. When I was lactating after my daughter was born, I woke up in the middle of the night thinking my obese cat was sitting on my chest and throat, suffocating me...... imagine my surprise,gravity and a breast full of milk....Yup, you guessed it! my boob had moved backwards and was laying on my windpipe, suffocating me. Can you just imagine the obit? "She died in her sleep after being smothered by her own breast ..." My hubby still laughs hysterically when he remembers this.
Amy said, way upthread: --"What if we fail a homestudy? what if we can never save the money? Or what if no one ever picks us? Oh my God, I really truly cannot get pregnant, I never thought I'd be here..."
I know that place. That's where I live. I've never seen two pink lines, after Clomid and multiple IUIs -- IVF isn't an option right now because our insurance doesn't cover ART. And because I have autoimmune problems as well as endo and PCOS, my RE told me upfront that any pregnancy I did achieve would be high-risk from the start. Way to make me feel better, doc. So I'm terrified to get pregnant and scared I never will. We're exploring adoption and have been told we might have some problems there as well, with health issues being a factor among other things.
I have a 10-year-old stepson who lives with us full time, who is a joy and a treasure despite his emotional problems (abandoned by his mother, long story, blah blah blah), and I don't know how many times I've heard that I should be grateful that at least I have him, even that God led me to my husband and SS because I couldn't have children of my own. Whoever said upthread that no one can know what we should be grateful for except for us is so right. I'm so glad to have him, but at the same time it hurts to know I'll never be his mother, that there's another woman he calls mom who isn't fit to bear that title. Having him has made me want children more, to give him brothers and sisters, to be "mom", to experience everything I missed with him...babyhood and birthdays and lost teeth and the first day of school. It's hard even for my husband to understand this pressing devastating need, since he HAS a child, he's a dad and always will be. Grateful? Sure. If I never can have a child I'll always have him, and I couldn't love him more if I'd carried him under my heart. But I get frustrated when people behave as though I have secondary infertility when I've never even been able to get pregnant.
Hope you don't mind me joining your conversation. I don't know you all but Julie knows me. From IVFC's.
Having been through pretty much every thing there is to go through, including an ectopic, a first trimester loss, a second trimester loss and then the loss of premature infant, I can say that the fact that I can get pg does help take the edge off the IF treatment, slightly. I think it must be far worse for those who never get a BFP. I admire those ladies who carry on trying.
However, I do agree that it sets the clock back. I can't give up, I keep getting closer to the goal.
What makes me sad (well besides losing my precious children) is the innocent joy of getting and being pg has gone forever for me. Getting pg is not the goal, as many people seem to think, its having a full term, healthy baby. If/when I get pg again, my pg will be filled with anxiety and terror, and that is sad. Pg is not the goal, in fact I am totally open to surrogacy, adoption, because the goal is a baby, and I want a baby, NOW!
Good luck to all.
T.
Like Jen, I have 3 stepchildren, although they don't live with us full time. I love them just the same, so I should consider myself lucky that I even have children around. I tried for 5 years with my first husband, failed clomid etc. We divorced after I found out he got his ex-girlfriend pregant when we were engaged. Crushed beyond belief.
Been trying now with my husband of 2 years. So far all iui's and clomid cycles have failed. Insurance is giving me 1 try at IVF. I am also 40 now, so it looks like all chances I have are about gone. I can't compare the pain of losing a child to not being able to have one. I just know that everytime I fail during a cycle, that it rips a little more of me apart. I can't even imagine what it would be like to see 2 pink lines, experience the rush of hope only to have that taken as well..
I guess how I feel is this: I haven't gotten pregnant from any of my ART attempts ... I feel like I'M failing. I think if had a miscarriage , I would feel that maybe there was something wrong with the embryo. I don't know though, I haven't been there , and what this process has taught me is that I have no idea how horrible something may feel unless it comes up. I remember when we launched into IVF's , I said to my RE, very non-challantly : "Well if it fails this time, how long do we need to wait to try again?", as if I was talking about doing an extra lap at the gym.... "One month", he said "But I'm sure we won't need to ..." Boy, was he wrong and was I ignorant of how depressed , defeated and low I would feel when it did actually (horror of horrors) fail. Medically speaking , I may have been ready to start another IVF in one month, but emotionally it took me 3.
My last failed IVF, I started bleeding the day before I needed to check my HCG. I called my RE and told him it had failed. He asked me if I had done a blood test. I said to him: "Listen , I'm really not in the mood to see another <5 or even no second line on the urine test, I'm not pregnant, leave it alone." "But, my partner had a woman once who had bleeding and then turns out...." I didn't let him finish... "I'm not pregnant."
I've had nothing but bitter news for too many months in a row, I'd like one sweet news... I tend to think that it still would boost me up , even if later on it becomes bitter again....
I don't know ladies, I don't mean to put anyone else's misery down , but I DO want to know if my body's capable of this at all...
After reading all your posts, I can feel that our fear and sorrow are equal. Different but equal. Adding to that jealousy of the ones who don't have these problems. It can be hard to take. My brother and SIL got married near the begining of last year, they were pregnant not even 4 months later and have gone on to have an uneventful pregnancy and due to have the baby very soon. Now. While I'm eccstatic over being an aunt, I can't help the envy. When they announced their pregnancy, I then had to tell my family that my husband has a very low sperm count as the reason to why we haven't gotten pregnant yet and probably won't soon. Luckily my brother and SIL do know the truth and are very sympathetic. They also agree the rest of the family don't need to know. Honestly, I can't imagine losing a baby. To feel like you've gone through all that hard work for seemingly nothing. Just seems excrutiatingly heart breaking. I have to say, though, sometimes I want a pregnant woman to show me what a positive stick looks like in person. I have never seen one. When my step mom was pregnant with my little sister, she never tested positive on a urine test. Even when she was showing at 6 months. My sister is now a happy healthy almost 13-year-old. So, nothing's guarenteed. I guess in a way I was lucky that I was old enough to understand what my step mom was going through with her fertility problems. She had 2 misscarriages, an ectopic pregnancy, and a blighted ovum. So I at least grew up knowing that pregnancy isn't like puberty, where it happens to everyone. No, I was just suprised when I turned out to be the only woman in my family with no boobs. Even my little sister has bigger boobs than me! Not Fair!!!!! For those women who have more boobs than they want, science needs to come up with a way for us to share. You can take off some of yours and give it to me. Then we'd both be happy.
Tertia, hi. Thanks for coming by. I'm thrilled to see you here.
What you all say rings absolutely true for me. I've talked about it here before. I'll be happy if I do get pregnant again (and it's sobering to confront that as an if and not when), but I know that happiness will be largely overshadowed by months of terrified freakouts.
Maria, I can't speak for anyone else, of course, but I didn't feel the failure was any different when I had last summer's miscarriage. I didn't think of the embryo as anything separate from me at that point (as I did when I had the ectopic, an evil little ball of cells that was doing its level best to kill me). Whether the pregnancy failed because of some suboptimal environmental condition or because of a chromosomal glitch, I still felt it as a failure of my body.
I am really, really moved by all these posts. We are comparing our sorrows, but not in the way that drives me bats we're actively recognizing that other people's sorrows might be just as deep as our own, if not even more shattering. If I've gotten nothing else out of the last year, at least I've developed buckets of empathy.
Maria, if this was a contest I think you would, unfortunatly, be at least a finalist if not the winner(loser). I don't know how you get through your day doing what you do. Hearing stories like yours makes me feel guilty for complaing. I just wanted to make sure know that compleat strangers think of you during their day and lways wish you the best of luck.
P.S. parden the typos, I'm so tired I spelled my own name wrong
Hello... first time posting here, though I've been reading for a while.
I was lucky enough never to have a miscarriage, so I cannot claim that I know whether it's worse to not be able to conceive, or to know you can conceive but not know if you can carry to delivery. But I can still hypothesize. And my theory is that suffering a m/c would probably be worse, because it adds a new worry to the table. Infertile women already know that a positive test is not the end of the battle. But I can only imagine how much harder it would be if you had already lost any pregnancies you'd been able to achieve. "Can I get pregnant" is enough to worry about... "can I stay pregnant" is overkill. My only personal comparison is the fact that for the first couple of years, we were convinced that anovulation was my only problem. Once I ovulated, of course I'd get knocked up in no time, right? Wrong. Here, have a whole new layer of shit to deal with!
However, as someone who suffered from primary and now secondary (though not going through treatment) infertility, I can most assuredly say that primary is worse. No matter how much time, hope, money you have left, the one thing you do not have, as a primary, is a child. And that's the whole point. Yes, secondary still hurts. But it cannot compare.
And something I forgot to say...
I always thought "maybe" was the hardest answer to take. If someone had just told me "Tracy, we've done every test, and have determined that there is no way you can ever conceive and carry a child," I could have moved on. I would have been sad, but I would have known that I'd done my best and had no regrets. "Maybe" does not allow for that. "Maybe" waits until you're almost asleep and whispers "what if you had just done one more cycle? Would that have been the one" "Maybe" is a bitch.
I had a miscarriage last year. I Am pregnant again and I am absolutely terrified. This site made me realize the cliche is true, "I'm not alone." I wish I could have warning signs if I'm going to again. The fear is unbearable. I just can't be totally happy until at least after the first trimenster...What can I do...Afraid to even tell my family. Supposed to tell my parents tomorrow but afraid of letting them down...
Me
It seem so easy to get pregnant... for others... but for me, each time I fail. This is so disappointing. I wish to have at least 1 baby. I am undergoing treatment to be able to conceive but till now I see no success. I am desperate. Please, somebody help me........
well,ive had 10 misscarriages.the last 3 from ivf.triplets till 9wks,and completly bedridden for most of the pregs.mostly today i'm grateful for finding this site,to be able to say this after 6mths,for the first time to person/s who know!i did however once carry to 7mths but she was still born,i even exp.the shock of breastmilk.HOW DO I FEEL,bitter,pained,a part of me completly dead,and selfish.also a little isolated,cause everyone i know is pregnant or has tons of kids with ease.i have no point of conversation with them,they talk about nappies,schools and kids parties.i have wk.a garden and 2 dogs.oddly though i never seem to leave the house without a smile. for 10yrs i've been preg. every yr.on a contraceptive now,no way.some say i'm crazy,ruining my body an my health.BUT ITS THE FEELING OF A FEW WKS OF PREG,THAT JOY AND HOPE THATS, SCARY, BUT ADDICTIVE.should there not be a support group?there is one for people who have multiples,ie twins or more [babies that arrive ,i mean].
I have never been able to get pregnant. I can't imagine being pregnant and miscarrying. For the first ten years of my marriage, if I was a few days "late" I thought maybe I was pregnant, but I wasn't. That was heart breaking enough. I have been married for seventeen years without getting pregnant. I guess I could still get pregnant but I doubt it. The people that get me are the ones that think you don't like kids because you don't have any. One out of three or two out of three women can not have children. The public needs to be aware so they don't assume that we dislike children. I love kids.
I'm really depressed and not sure what else to do. I have done 4 IUI (washing) and haven’t worked. Our next step is IVF. This is expensive but I really want children. My husband has low sperm count because he has arthritis. He got off his medications and is now suffering in pain. Since he got off the medication his count has increased…. But why isn’t it working then. I’m scared to even try IVF and it not work. I can’t stop crying. I feel so empty. I don’t know what to do anymore. Doctor says I’m still young (31) but my husband can’t be off medication any longer.
i have one question i don't actually but do u feel little movement like bufferfiles in your stomach moving around when you are pregnant?
I just stumbled onto your website by accident. I was looking for a way to tell my sister (20) that I know she is pregnant. But, it got me here and after reading all of the comments from this blog, it feels like destiny. I am 22 years old young, but I feel so old. I have got my life going the way I want it, except for one thing I dont think I can get pregnant. I have been trying with my soon to be husband and nothing has happened. I feel pretty empty knowing that people that dont deserve children can spit them out like a cannon. You know people are just so ungrateful, (throwing beautiful helpless children in the trash, killng) you get my drift. Now I am so jealous of my sister. The bad thing about it it her (boyfriend) is such a loser, no job, no sense, no anything.
Oh well, with that being said I think you are a bunch of great women, and I think it was luck for me to find this website.
I have no clue who any of you are on this.. but I am looking for some help.
I'm 17 years old, and this past month I was at least 2 weeks late for my period (which never happens) so I went into Planned Parenthood & took a test.
It came out positive. The lady told me I was 5 weeks pregnant.
I was upset/scared/everything. My boyfriend and I had just broke up, so he wouldn't be there.
Anyways, I ended up telling my mom, then my dad, then my whole family. They were so supportive & loving.. that I couldn't help but to be excited myself. Even my ex-boyfriend was getting excited & picking out names with me and we were getting along. Everything was great.
Six weeks went by.. the morning sickness was bad, but other than that I was so happy. It gave me a reason to stop drinking, smoking, whatever & get my life in order. I even started going to church again, because I knew I'd want to raise my child in a Christian household.
Then this past Thursday night, right before I went to bed.. I was the happiest I've been. It was after midnight, making it 7 weeks! I was so excited and happy. I had been doing everything right and I just couldn't believe how amazing it was.
Friday morning. I woke up in severe pain really early in the morning. I went to the bathroom, and there was blood. Lots of blood.
I cried and cried, and my mom called the doctor. I didn't want to go in though and have it confirmed. I knew what was happening, and I just couldn't take having them actually say it.
I stayed in bed all Friday and Saturday. It's only Tuesday morning right now.. and I haven't even left my house since this whole ordeal. No school, no anything. I refuse to.
My heart is in a million pieces right now. My mom is now threatening me that if I don't go to the doctor she'll do all these things. She just went and shut off my cell phone, and I'm about 5 minutes away from just packing my stuff and leaving.
I know she wants the best for me, but why can't she understand how hard this is? And why is she so stuck on just making it even more difficult?
I want to know what an ultrasound would show right now, because that's what they want to do. I don't want to see a baby without a heartbeat or something, I don't want to go through that.
So will someone please tell me what an ultrasound looks like if you're 1)Not pregnant, never were.. 2)Pregnant.. 3)Miscarried.
Thanks and sorry this was so long & basically off topic completely.
Hi, Rachel. It sounds like you've been through a lot my sincere sympathies to you on your loss.
The best reason to go to a doctor when you've had a miscarriage is to make sure it was a complete miscarriage. Occasionally your body will hold on to part of the pregnancy, which can cause infection, resulting in illness, scarring, and possible difficulties in getting pregnant again in the future. An ultrasound will show whether your body has retained any tissue, or whether the miscarriage was complete, and it's important to know one way or the other.
Best of luck to you. I'm terribly sorry for your loss. It's really, really hard.
I think my friend is pregnant and we want to find out without using a pregnancy test because her mom totally invades her space and would find it.....If she has the symptoms, that's when we will get the pregnancy test but i need to find out what we can do to find out if she's having a baby minus a pregnancy test for right now.
Kayla
I'm going through secondary IF now and I do think primary IF was harder. That's saying a lot, since the secondary is pretty awful sometimes. But I remember that terrible feeling of exclusion from the human race - that's not too strong a way to put it - it was like I was living in black and white and people with families were in color. I feel like the door to normality opened when I got pregnant, because I had never been able to come to any kind of peace with IF at all. Now, I can open the "shape" issue of Vogue and not be terribly afraid of seeing the "Pregnant" fashion page. I can watch the "having a baby changes everything" commercial on TV without writhing in pain. But I cry every month just as hard as I did before, and yes, it gets harder and harder and sadder every month. That stab in the heart when my period starts - it's the exact same. This time, if these IUIs don't work, we will move to adoption.
Hi, I'm having my second m\c in 3 months. I have been a cot case for days. Got a positive Preg test for two days now nothing. Just waiting for the bleeding to start. THis is now my 3rd m\c. It's so hard, all these women at work getting pregnant, after trying 1 or 2 months. Taking about their 12 week u\s. I had to leave the lunch room and go cry in the toliet. I've got a +ANA of 640. The aspirin didn't work!
Every pregnant person I see I am angry at.
I'm running out of names for these lost babies...
It's not supposed to be this hard for a 27 year old to stay pregnant.
I cry all the time, feel like I'm losing it.
Dont think it's ever going to work.
I already foster children and I know I could never be happy with only other peoples children,
just not the same.