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02/14/2004
Small frightened mammal seeks women for good times, bludgeoning
Any of you ladies still looking for a mate? In honor of Valentine's Day, I have exerted my most expert matchmaking skills to find the perfect match for you.
He's handsome. He's organized. And he's sensitive to boot.
See?
No fighting, ladies. You can share — he's looking for 2-6 women of reproductive age. He'll even pay for medical care during pregnancy "up to a reasonable amount." That'll come in handy when you're having the 17 children he desires. ("Why 17? I don't know. It just seems like a good number to have. I didn't say this earlier in the web-site because I didn't want to scare you away right off the bat.")
Speaking of bats, if the competition between wives for this ferocious hunk gets too fierce, don't worry: you can always just whale on the bitches:
Convenient, no?
All this and he's intensely erotic...and circumcised.
All I can say is thank God I'm infertile. And nearsighted.
Posted by Julie at 09:04 AM in I am full of good ideas, The Internet is full. Go home. | Permalink
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» Please, make the bad man go away from The Mommy Blog
I have always known that the Internet can be an evil, frightening place, a potential trap for the naïve and incautious wanderer, but nothing, and I mean nothing, prepared me for the horror of Julia's Valentine's Day post. Congratulations, Julia, [Read More]
Tracked on Feb 16, 2004 2:21:55 PM
Comments (50)
I find the idea of this man reproducing intensely frightening.
Posted by: lotsofjens at Feb 14, 2004 9:25:21 AM
http://www.fypl.info/worktrimming.html
Oh baby hold me back. I just love the way he handles that weed wacker.
Let me run away now and beg my husband to let me go forth and multiple with this hunka hunka burning love.
Posted by: BrendaS at Feb 14, 2004 9:40:54 AM
hahaha... awesome. You always find such great treasures. Excuse me, I need to go pray to the lord of "thank you GOD for my husband"
Posted by: KJB at Feb 14, 2004 9:43:22 AM
I am scared. The "casual" shots of him staring into the camera like something out of Silence of The Lambs gives me goosebumps. And the shot of his bulging crotch...I am speechless.
Posted by: Shelba at Feb 14, 2004 9:45:47 AM
Dear G-d: how can you allow this man to reproduce freely, while making us suffer so intensly? I can only pray that if some equally nutty woman answers him, somehow, between the two of them, you will find a way to stop the multiplication through low motility or rottenn eggs. Thanks!
Posted by: virginia at Feb 14, 2004 9:47:18 AM
There are no words. How did you find this man?
Posted by: Lisa at Feb 14, 2004 9:49:25 AM
Shelba - I too had that eerie Silence of the Lambs impression.
"It puts the lotion on its skin!"
Posted by: Amanda at Feb 14, 2004 9:54:34 AM
Doesn't it all just make you want to fuck with him? Like, fill out twenty copies of his response form with bogus answers and fake photos, then sit back and watch the fun...?
Posted by: Julie at Feb 14, 2004 9:54:43 AM
This is what really scared me:
"If I gave you a card in person, requesting that you look at this web-site, please tell where and when you saw me so that I'll remember you. For example: In the XY store, in (name of town), on or about (date)."
Ewwwwww. Imagine him approaching you on the street.
Many month reader, Julie, first time writer. I love it here, and plan to stay until we're all milking babes .... no, no, no, until the cows come home! (My mistake!)
lesley
Posted by: lesley at Feb 14, 2004 9:58:12 AM
I'm sorry, but "idiosyncrasies" should be the heading for his entire presentation.
I'm with KJB - worshipping at my husband's altar today, surely.
Posted by: Mollie at Feb 14, 2004 10:52:07 AM
Um. Okay. All other oddities aside, did anyone else notice that he's proposing to pay $250 child support per child per month? $250 PER MONTH?! WTF? That's $3,000 per year! HELLO!
Whatever. Somebody needs to go Bobbit his pecker.
Posted by: getupgrrl at Feb 14, 2004 12:28:20 PM
I'm trying to be witty. Honestly. I just can't get my jaw back up. I. Am. Agape.
Posted by: Barbara at Feb 14, 2004 12:32:40 PM
WTF?!?!?
Posted by: Katie at Feb 14, 2004 12:34:35 PM
"In Addition. I'm not particularly thrilled about such fads as tonsil removal."
Having your tonsils removed is a fad? So that's why I was never a popular child.
I'm now going to blame my parent's insistence that I wear glasses on my horrible near-sightedness.
Posted by: Christina at Feb 14, 2004 12:41:35 PM
I just found the following quote regarding the picture of the freak who published that site...
"The picture above probably flatters me a bit, but it was the closest to the expression I wanted out of quite a few pictures that I took"
If that's flattering, I'd hate to see the photo on his driver's liscense!
Posted by: Christina at Feb 14, 2004 12:46:46 PM
Now see Julie is giving me ideas.. but the bitch in me is coming out. This would be a great way to get back at that slut in high school who stole my boyfriend, or the ex boss who took credit for all my work. Ahhh.. must start looking people up on switchboard and classmates.com.
Evil.. Pure Evil. Must be the raging hormones.
Posted by: BrendaS at Feb 14, 2004 12:57:25 PM
What does this hunk have against smiling for the camera? Oh...and don't you love the "erotic" picture of him where he appears to be dead. And I wonder why he hides his man stick? Come on, Bill, show us what you got!
Posted by: Shelba at Feb 14, 2004 1:02:01 PM
Here's a question (one of many many many):
Who took the "erotic" photos?
I'm betting his even creepier twin brother
or his mom ...
Ew. I just grossed myself out.
Posted by: Barbara at Feb 14, 2004 1:48:03 PM
Oh.
Oh dear god.
And why did I decide to look at his showy pictures?
Total freaking wackaloon.
Posted by: amalah at Feb 14, 2004 2:23:32 PM
"I tend to be guilt-prone. Of course, I have regular guilt feelings which are appropriate if I've done wrong. However, I can often be made to feel guilty even if I've done nothing to feel guilty about. For example, I am likely to feel guilty if someone conveys that I've hurt them, even if I know I haven't done so, or haven't done so intentionally. This makes me gun-shy of involvements with persons who are apt to make such conveyances."
F'ing A!! A PATSY!!!! Where's his phone number... have I got some Guilt Pie for you Mister!
Posted by: OliviaDrab at Feb 14, 2004 2:36:14 PM
Holy cow! Is this guy serious!!!!!
Posted by: Leslie at Feb 14, 2004 4:07:23 PM
Aaaaarrrggghhh! My eyes! Must go stare at the sun to burn this image off my retinas. Every fibre of my being screamed "Don't do it!" but I clicked on the Erotica section anyway.
Thank you Julie for reminding us how lucky we all are. I'd rather be infertile than carry that whackadoo's seed anyday.
Posted by: jc at Feb 14, 2004 8:22:38 PM
Does he remind anyone else of Stuart from mad t.v.?
And like Getupgrrl said, I wish you a very happy birthday with love from....well, me.
Posted by: cheryl b. at Feb 14, 2004 8:42:05 PM
Holy crap! That's the funniest thing(s) I've seen in a long, long time! You ladies have already covered most of the funny things my wine-saturated mind would have conjured up!
Hilarious!
(Is it bad that he reminds me of my "weird" uncle?)
Posted by: Julia at Feb 14, 2004 8:55:02 PM
He looks a bit like Iggy Pop.
Posted by: Shelba at Feb 14, 2004 9:46:19 PM
Obviously, this "Bill Miller" site is someone's sick idea of internet-based performance art. Right?
Right???!
Posted by: ceedee at Feb 14, 2004 11:49:44 PM
"Does he remind anyone else of Stuart from mad t.v.?"
Yes!! I kept wondering if this was a joke. It is kinda mad tv-ish
BTW Julie, Where the hell do you find these sites??!!
Posted by: Carrie Jo at Feb 15, 2004 1:36:48 AM
Well darlings,
I, being of sound mind (ok, well, sorta)and body (excecpt for the FUCKED UP RERPODUCTIVE SYSTEM), agree with all of the above comments. I would like to thank you all for the uncontrollable hysterical laughter I am recovering from.....at work.
I too felt that "silence of the lambs" thing going on! (*shudder,retch, GAG*)I have a funny feeling I'm gonna have nightmares tonight. Oh no, Im gagging.......
I must go and make hubby extra happy tonight (as much as possible with AF visiting)........ Thank you GOD!!!
Posted by: Cyn at Feb 15, 2004 5:35:38 AM
Julie,
I've had worse. How can I meet him?
Joanne
Posted by: Joanne at Feb 15, 2004 8:49:43 AM
ceedee, I'll eat my hat if this isn't a hoax...and yet it's so beautifully convincing that I kind of don't care!
Joanne, I've already mailed him your address. I had a hunch you two would make a wonderful couple.
Shelba, my God, my God, you're right. Iggy Pop's skinnier, more vacant-looking, weird-upper-lip-having cousin.
Posted by: Julie at Feb 15, 2004 9:07:35 AM
Oh, those poor children. "I would read aloud to everyone. For example, over an extended period, I read everyone Will and Ariel Durant's 'The Story of Civilization' (10 volumes)." Not to mention being expected to start having kids yourself at age 18 with partners selected by dear old dad....
Posted by: Karen at Feb 15, 2004 1:21:19 PM
A hoax? I pray it is. Otherwise, I am chilled to the bone.
Saddest part....I bet this FREAK has children before me (and you ladies).
Someone call the Police!!!!
Posted by: Simone at Feb 15, 2004 5:43:21 PM
For a second there, before I saw the pictures, I thought it might be my exhusband. Organized men scare me.
I HOPE it's a hoax.
Sarah
Posted by: Sarah at Feb 16, 2004 12:02:28 PM
Must go stab own eyes out with hot poker irons .
Posted by: Andreah at Feb 16, 2004 12:37:31 PM
The first picture I saw immediatly brought to mind Dave Barry and Jeff Foxworthy. Do you think the two of them are behind this?
Sarah (again)
Posted by: Sarah at Feb 16, 2004 1:01:44 PM
Holy Mother of God make it stop!! Need. Brain. Floss. I sprayed the monitor with soda when I got to the Erotica page, and could not start my own post about it fast enough! I hope you don't mind, but that kind of shit just begs to be shared, and widely.
I have to say that I have never laughed so hard in my life (or choked up so thoroughly) as I have at the last several posts and the comments people have left. I want to move in and listen to your stories, and I promise not to talk about my children. In fact, be warned before you click on my homepage that my blog is entirely about the kids and that you will likely hate me to the hilt before you manage to find the Back button and navigate of the page again... having said that, let me also say that I too went through years of TTC and hearbreak and failed pregnancy, only to spend weeks by the bedside of a newborn on life-support, so I am not a blithely insensitive visitor. I wept at your stories, and spoke about our loss for the first time right here, so I feel a special affinity with the women who are supporting each other so gloriously here. I would be honored if you would let me visit and listen and learn.
Posted by: Mindy at Feb 16, 2004 1:54:31 PM
This man is a dangerous lunatic intent on creating a master race of descendants. Did you read all the way to the bit about the children themselves being forced to marry people he specifies? What a nutter.
Posted by: e at Feb 16, 2004 2:35:12 PM
I was laughing until you made me click on the "he's erotic" link. Now I'm blind. Thanks.
Posted by: Lee at Feb 16, 2004 2:44:38 PM
Is that a booger hanging out of his nose, or is he trying to grow a Hitler- like mustache?
Posted by: Tracy at Feb 16, 2004 2:57:43 PM
Oh
My
Lord.
Follow Mindy's link...
Kinda wish i hadnt...
Gonna have to blog about this too!
Someone save me.
Posted by: Fluffy at Feb 16, 2004 5:21:14 PM
This is my favorite part:
When the children reach 18 years of age, I would like for each of them to have 2 children with a mate selected by me.
This would be extra childbearing, in addition to children they might have when they married or under other circumstances.
Doing this would be voluntary. If an individual did not want to participate in this extra childbearing, that would be fine.
For those doing this, I would pay pregnancy and birthing costs.
Also, I would provide child support - payments or standard care - for these children (our grandchildren) until they reached age 18.
I would also like for each of our grandchildren to have 2 children with a mate selected by me, given I were still living, upon reaching the age of 18."
I think this is a swell idea. I only wish Brett would be such an involved father!!!
Off to forward that link to everyone in my address book!
Posted by: Dawn at Feb 16, 2004 5:31:44 PM
P.S. I shared this site with Brett and he is thrilled beyond measure that his head is now filled with images of this guy in a ... what is that thing anyway ... a loincloth? He thanks you from the bottom of his heart but now he needs to go scrub his brain out with a wire vegetable brush. ;)
Posted by: Dawn at Feb 16, 2004 5:41:44 PM
It's swell that he is organized, but he sucks at math.
A landscaping business is not going to pay child support for TWO kids, let alone the food required to feed ONE pregnant woman.
Whoever gets with this dude, frankly, deserves what she gets.
I want to admit, though, I WOULD probably pay to download the video of their wedding night. That would be SOME freaky deaky skin peeping.
Posted by: Cathy at Feb 16, 2004 11:18:11 PM
Oh, Hell, I'd love to think the whole thing was a hoax, but didn't you read about that crazy cannibal guy who advertised to find someone to eat? I think it was a German guy or something. And he got a taker! More than one! I can't remember if he actually accomplished his mission....
Oh, Mindy, that Peter Pan guy takes the cake, too. Shit.
Posted by: Mollie at Feb 17, 2004 12:46:06 AM
That site is insane. That weird hybrid Iggy Pop-Stuart guy freaks me out. Sad thing is, I know women who'd find him a good catch.
Posted by: dareva at Feb 17, 2004 1:16:43 AM
Before I clicked on the link, I thought, oh, God, my insane brother has put up a website... I'm sooo glad it wasn't him.
His plan is to marry a 26 year old, have a kid a year until she's 36, then get a new, younger wife and...
Why? Because his 2nd child with his ex-wife is a small super genius, and as it *must* be my brother's superior genes, he has a duty to mankind to breed a new race...
His last comment to me on the subject was "I guess we'll never know whether your genes would have been any good, will we?"
Posted by: Asha at Feb 17, 2004 10:55:30 PM
It's IGGY POP!
Posted by: Sam at Feb 19, 2004 11:00:10 AM
Caramba! I haven't laughed this much, this loud and this long in ages. First over that wacko creep, then over all the comments here.
It's a good thing Iggy likes muscular legs. That way he hopefully won't mind being kicked repeatedly in the groin by angry women next time he shows his nasty face in public.
"What I Find Physically Attractive
What is of primary importance to me in this regard are attractive legs. To me, this involves muscular, well-shaped legs. To give you an idea, I'd point out the legs possessed by many female dancers, fitness contestants, body-builders, and runners.
Concerning the lower leg, I like fairly large, muscular calves tapering to slim, compact ankles.
I like generally muscular upper legs, with an outward curve, in profile, along the back of the leg."
I have got to go and fix myself a stiff drink now, the sight of those ghastly pics in the erotica section frankly scared the hell out of me.
It's a spooky, spooky world after all...
Posted by: Maria at Feb 22, 2004 10:38:00 PM
Ok...it scares me that I went to that website. Thanks, he's gonna track our ip addresses down and give us a 'card' now!
HEEBIE JEEBIES
Thanks for the laugh....but this is gonna give me nightmares!
Posted by: Freakedout at Feb 26, 2004 1:51:06 AM
Oh my g-d, I can't stop laughing...the tears are pouring out of my eyes...I swear to you, girls, my nose is running...oh god oh god oh god...MAKE IT GO AWAY....
Posted by: Mel at Apr 15, 2004 11:53:14 PM
