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03/16/2004
The buddy system
If you've spent any time at all on infertility message boards, you are well aware of the insidious phenomenon of cycle buddies.
Cycle buddies are a group of women going through fertility procedures at the same time. They compare protocols, egg each other on in the manufacturing of symptoms, and engage in a not-so-subtle one-upmanship when discussing the dozens of eggs they retrieved or their stratospheric hCG levels.
Many of them will get pregnant. You, alas, will not.
Cycle buddies always — but always — have cute and cuddly names. The first part of the name is usually seasonal, temporal, or meteorological in nature. The second is often a friendly, cheerful adjective. The third is a noun of surpassing adorableness.
If you're feeling lonely and abandoned as you contemplate yet another ART cycle, don't despair. You, too, can join a group.
Tertia, this one's for you.
Posted by Julie at 08:08 PM in I am full of good ideas | Permalink
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Comments (42)
He he he. Clearly you're spending some time on MY board :)!
I'm one of the sole survivors from January. Of course. I start the board, tons of women get knocked up...leaving me behind to continue moderating a board.
I'm the president of the pregnancy club for women - I'm also the ONLY member left.
Sigh...
Posted by: Liz at Mar 16, 2004 8:55:49 PM
You're just too brilliant. This captures *exactly* what I'm feeling far better than I could when I tried to tackle the same thing. All hail Julie!
Posted by: Lisa at Mar 16, 2004 9:49:25 PM
When I started on the boards I knew I was on to something...knowing there were others sharing my experiences was a positive thing...but then it got too positive. I wasn't comfortable being hugged by all those chicks I hardly knew. And the baby dust started mucking up my keyboard. I'm much happier with all the witty potty-mouth realists over here.
Posted by: Kristine at Mar 16, 2004 10:24:37 PM
My name in lights, fame at last!!!!
Can't tell you how many 'cycle buddy' lists I have been part of, initially willingly then dragged kicking and screaming, where I have been last man standing.
They are now TTC #2, still hugging the shit out of each other and chucking shit loads of crap dust on each other and I am still without child.
Those cycle buddy lists are a bloody curse. Designed to make me feel even shitter about my self. Although we could come up with some wicked lists of our own. Our columns could have some interesting headings: Time since last shagged DH; number of people you told to fuck off today; chances you think this cycle will work; money already spent on infertility; amount of pg people in your life; amount of alcohol consumed last night.
If I am feeling particularly masochistic I go read the cycle buddy boards. Although with all the shit in my life of late I have not felt the need to punish myself even further for a while.
So Julie, my little Fall Furry Fucker cycle buddy, lets get ourselves knocked up.
T
Posted by: Tertia at Mar 17, 2004 1:04:58 AM
In the past 4 years I have watched every single online lady dealing with Infertility I know get pregnant at least once and deliver bouncing bundles. Fear not, for there is hope for you, too, now that I've found you! No one stays infertile for long when I'm reading! Just me! ;-)
My "cycle buddy" is Simone, who I know posts about the ttc blogs once in awhile. I'm trying to get her blogging, btw. Anyhow, we happened to be on the same day of our cycle at one point, and therefore deemed outselves buddies. You'll be happy to know that there's tons of bitching qand whining in our relationship and absolutely no "babydust" at all! ;-) hee
Posted by: Milenka at Mar 17, 2004 1:33:34 AM
I hear you Julie..... I used to go on I Dream of Baby forum..... but the shit drove me to vomit.. *gag, retch*. I finally asked myself "what the hell am I doing??"
Milenka - I have the same generally good experience on the forum I'm currently on. LOADS of bitching. Zero baby dust. *achoooo!!* The ladies all have a good sense of humor, with hugs mostly for the ones who end up preggers. One day we all had a comparison as to who came closest to comitting bodily harm on their hubby.....one girl was stimming and got so pissed she ripped the phone out of the wall and threw it at him! If he hadn't ducked......SPLAT!! (didn't impress me much, I can do that when NOT stimming.......KISS ME IM IRISH!! between my temper and hubbys smart-ass mouth....)heh heh heh.
So far I haven't had too depressing a time on that forum..only two of the 13 of us ended up pregnant, well, 3 actuially, but one miscarried after a week, and one of the remaiing 2 has twins in there. Persoanlly, I think I jinxed them all... I was the first one to get the Negative HCG.Just fucking great.
What I love about your blog Julie is that we can be potty mouthed and no one really takes offence.
I love ya girlie!
Posted by: Cyn at Mar 17, 2004 3:29:23 AM
In the four years we've spent trying to get pregnant, I've never joined a board or a forum. I do go to INCIID from time to time, but generaly I've never been able to get into that whole scene. First of all, I can't follow all of the abbreviations. But mostly, I've just spent a long time watching other people get pregnant, and well- fuck that. I rely on the people who come to my blog, and other blogs (like yours) for support.
Posted by: Janet at Mar 17, 2004 8:47:40 AM
I've pretty much been driven off the board that got me through my horrid Treatment Year because of the idiots and the cutesypoos. Plus this board in question is completely unmoderated, so there's been a rash of people posting stuff they shouldn't, like pregnant women complainng about their pregnancy restrictions on a TTC#1 board and anonymous people who take it upon themselves to criticize very normal pissed-off reactions to infertility. Most of the cool friends I have made there have either gotten pregnant (hooray!) or left because they are done actively pursuing treatment, etc.
I love the blog world (introduced to me by one the cool people still ON that board) because we can be as pissed off as the situation requires. Which is quite. All of the mothers here are cool, clever and honest, and all of the "barrens" are angry, smart, witty and astonishingly well-informed.
BTW, I have taken to referring to myself as barren since I have come here. My husband doesn't like it, but fuck him.
Posted by: AmyinMotown at Mar 17, 2004 10:31:42 AM
Hear hear! When I started this I checked out some of those places and fell over laughing when I finally figured out what "BD" was. Give me a break. If you can't just say you're fucking, you shouldn't be doing it.
Now my youngest sister is starting this process and there's a board she goes to where there's a woman constantly complaining about TTC her SIXTH.
She has FIVE. KIDS. And whines that she can't get pregnant again.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Posted by: Jen at Mar 17, 2004 11:06:28 AM
Never could "join up" - just way too "happy, happy, joy, joy" for everone ELSE.
I'll be over with the "F4 Tornado Stabby Angels" if anyone needs me...... It is what my house looks like (disaster area) and what my emotions are scewed to (post-traumatic stress syndrome).
And in answer to Tertia's questions:
Time since last shagged (sorry, Jen, should have said FUCKED) DH: sometime back in early 3rd quarter 2003; number of people you told to fuck off today: wow, A LOT!!! (some crystal clear, some muttered) though I feel I should get special award for telling my RE to eff off recently (FOR REAL); chances you think this cycle will work: well, what is "work?" If work is just well enough to need me to book a room at the local psych ward when it comes crashing down, then my answer is 99%; money already spent on infertility: mind hurts too much to count that high; amount of pg people in your life - more than one is one too many for me to have an encounter with; amount of alcohol consumed last night: drinking alone, not my "style," but pharmaceuticals? Well, again, can't count that high!!!!
Posted by: Boulder at Mar 17, 2004 11:29:23 AM
Okay, this I gotta hear: you told your RE to fuck off? Story, please.
Posted by: Julie at Mar 17, 2004 11:33:50 AM
Thank you, Julie.
See, that is exactly why I'm not a joiner.
Well, okay, it's also because I'm a lazy, surly asshole with an instantaneous rage response to Precious Moments figurines or the typewritten equivalent thereof. And I can't not say "fuck" and "titties" and "cooter."
I, too, would like to hear a story of an RE being told to, erm, "BD" off.
Posted by: Jo at Mar 17, 2004 11:44:37 AM
What does BD mean?
Posted by: Nana at Mar 17, 2004 11:59:55 AM
I much prefer crass, infertile, bitches to baby dusting, dotting their i's with hearts, overly positive bimbos anyday!
Posted by: Jodi at Mar 17, 2004 12:17:41 PM
I too, am guilty of joining the dreaded Cycle Buddy groups.... however, I have learned my lessons, and now only join Bloody Cycle groups.
Our website is: http://www.Imtootiredsorelumpybruisedandoldtofuckmydarlinghusbandsoiwilljusttryacoupledozenivfcyclesinsteadthankyouverymuchyougiantpieceoffertilemyrtle6babyhavingbuddygroupshit.com
Posted by: BrendaS at Mar 17, 2004 12:20:33 PM
Funny, I thought it was just the TTC After Miscarriage board on iParenting that was full of the goofy acronyms, Pollyannas, and bizarro junior high politics. Here's the nutty thing- I still continue to post there! Good God, what in the hell does that say about me? I think I keep soldiering on in a lame attempt to find some comraderie with others in this fucked up position of trying to conceive. Plus, and this is very hush-hush, I think I am actually a Pollyanna at heart, although a Pollyanna who enjoys liberally sprinkling conversations with the word "fuck".
Oh, and Nana, BD means (get ready for this one) "baby dancing". Nauseating.
Keep on keeping on, Julie.
Tonya
Posted by: Tonya at Mar 17, 2004 12:30:32 PM
For Julie:
Exact details are difficult to recall (due to medication induced short term memory loss - SERIOUSLY), but as my husband reminds me, it was in the midst of trying to get me to voluntarily take myself back to the hospital (he was out of town on business) so that my RE could run more tests and treat an infection of my uterus that was being pesky in its persistence.
The RE "challenged" me with something like "well we could just take your uterus out"(we have a long history and this was a last ditch effort to get me to recognize the gravity of my situation, so the RE was quite BLUNT) and I replied, "Oh, F U!" - RE's response was, "well, thanks for holding back the 'c' and 'k', I really appreciate that."
I DO remember hanging up the phone, and thinking to myself "Shit, I just told my RE to F U!!!" And that clearly my judgement was flawed from opiates/fevers and I needed to get myself taken to the hospital for antibiotic treatment (where I had a 5th hospital stay at the same hospital since September) for the next two weeks.
Mind you this was not the Ritz Carlton Maui, it was the "women's floor" of a major teaching hospital where I got to hear jubilant families welcoming newborns as I lay with my demerol drip celebrating the due date of the loss I had experienced in August. (Story available on IVFC-search user name "Boulder").
I think I was entirely justified in my FU, and feel quite comfortable using it whenever needed when you consider the year I've had.....!
02/03 – D&C (8 weeks)
08/03 – D&C #1 (16 weeks)
09/03 – D&C #2 (RPOC) w/Hysteroscopy #1
10/03 – Hospitalized w/infection #1 (4 days)
10/03 – Hospitalized w/infection #2 (6 days)
11/03 – planned Laparotomy w/Myomectomy #3; unplanned D&C #3 (RPOC from 08/03 w/Hysteroscopy #2; post Surgical Hospitalization (3 days)
12/03 – D&C #4 (from 08/03) w/Hysteroscopy #3 & Myomectomy
01/04 – Hospitalized w/infection #3 (3 days)
02/04 – Hospitalized w/infection #4 (11 days)
Next Stop? Surgery for Adhesions 8 days from now…….
I'm no longer an RE FU virgin.... And why I lurk, rather than cuss all over someone else's blog....
Posted by: Boulder at Mar 17, 2004 1:16:53 PM
Can't ... stop ... laughing
Posted by: getupgrrl at Mar 17, 2004 2:07:24 PM
I am in hiding from my buddy group right now. They've been great, but only two have been through IVF and of those, only one is bitter like me (and she doesn't post a lot). Sometimes they'll sweetly suggest something like donor egg while I'm in the middle of yet another injects cycle where I produce only one fucking egg and I will have to keep from hurdling myself off of the roof of my house.
Also, I need to say "fuck" a lot.
Posted by: Karen at Mar 17, 2004 2:47:06 PM
Jo, I'm glad to hear of your "instantaneous rage response" to Precious Moments figurines. I feel like I've found a kindred spirit. I've never understood those things, especially people who use them as cake toppers on a wedding cake. Why would you want to start off your married union by paying homage to two child-like figurines with dangerously large heads? It really just seems like a recipe for disaster.
Posted by: runnerwoman at Mar 17, 2004 3:04:31 PM
I'm actually about to set up a forum on my board specifically for people like us - people who don't want to deal with (((hugs))) and baby dust and want to throw things (or people).
We're tyring to decide between barren and bitchy or irritated and infertile - any thoughts?
Oh - and the main reason I had set up our board was because I came from a place - a bad, bad place - where you couldn't say fuck, or talk about sex or anything else. Um, I'm sorry - it's an infertility board and you can't talk about sex and fucking?!?!?
Puh-leez.
Posted by: Liz at Mar 17, 2004 4:04:00 PM
Yeah Milenka! I was gonna defend our cycle buddy love but see you already explained our situation. We are an exception to the rule! And after all this time we're still as barren as ever!!! Gotta Laugh.........sorta.......ha.
Posted by: Simone at Mar 17, 2004 4:27:17 PM
Liz
How about The bitchy barren board for irritated infertiles.
Posted by: cheryl b. at Mar 17, 2004 4:47:31 PM
Oh see, now that's REALLY good.
Posted by: Liz at Mar 17, 2004 5:33:04 PM
Everybody in the El Niño Bloated Optimists group, raise your hands!!! YAAAAY!! OMG, what are you going to wear when your period starts, like tampons or pads? *claps*
Yeah, "BD" always made me feel like barfing a kidney. That one and DTD: "Do the Deed" WHAT THE FUCK!??? Do the DEED?? Are we suddenly college freshmen hazing to be in some kind of sex cult sorority where all the panties are white and full-sized?
Liz, when you get your board set up, PLEASE let me know. Until then, I will be camped out on a sidewalk outside your virtual ticket office waiting patiently.
Posted by: OliviaDrab at Mar 17, 2004 6:57:01 PM
And can I just say that the term BD (which I have actually been known to use in my more "uplifting" dealings with infertility) totally reminds me of a Bowel Movement (BM) every single time I see it? ;-)
Posted by: Milenka at Mar 17, 2004 7:13:30 PM
Oooh, oooh *raising hand frantically* can I join this buddy group? I don't think my BG knows what to do with me, they're all blissful moms and I'm sick and tired of pansy footing it around them and pretending I don't want to rip my own innards out every time AUNTfuckingFLO comes to visit.
And I would LOVE to tell my old RE to f off. After my dismal IVF #1 experience, where I grew 7 size 30 mm and above eggs (and the entire time was worried about it--to which one of my RE's intoned "it's not quantity, it's QUALITY" over and over like a drone) my other RE, on retrieval day, told me sadly that he "wished they'd gotten more." FUCK OFF! Which is it, asswipe? Quality or quantity?
Posted by: Karen at Mar 17, 2004 7:14:48 PM
I'd love to answer your comments, but as a member of Santa's Welty Crack Whores, I am duty-bound to ostracize you all.
Posted by: Julie at Mar 17, 2004 8:42:31 PM
Okay, Cheryl, I totally ripped you off (tho I did give you props) and started a thread on my board with your suggested title.
Olivia (and the rest of you) you are welcome any time!
Posted by: Liz at Mar 17, 2004 11:54:28 PM
Spot on, Julie (so to speak). I was at an infertility board for about a month and then just stopped visiting. Didn't do the cycle buddies thing (no time to fall into the habit, really) but read a few of the threads and as many have said, you can choke on that babydust. Also an awful lot of women who already had two or three griping about secondary infertility, which I'm sure is a pain when you're experiencing it (not trying to put it down) but to someone who's having no luck with #1 it starts getting painful. Also the relentlessly optimistic Baby Brownshirts: "Think of next month!" Why yes, I am. And the month after that, and the month after that, and every month until I officially hit menopause and become dried up and bitter.
Damn it, I'm shooting myself full of Follistim and God knows what other drugs, while my quasi-sadistic friends and relatives persist in talking about how "It took me three months to get pregnant, I was really worried!" Permit me my morning cup of poison, please.
Posted by: Sonetka at Mar 18, 2004 12:20:59 AM
Ah yes, the furry freaks of nature be it rabbits, or bears, or bats? They even give cutesy names to pregnancy or embryos. Preggo from your embies, barf, puke and feel my baseball bat. The subculture of IVF communities, virtual sorority houses with skinny baby dusting cheerleaders and outkasts. God help them who wear the wrong clothes or way the wrong things. Like F U.
Olivia, I think the appropriate attire when the period starts is a mattras - ain't no stopping THAT now (sung to a divine disco ditty)
Have you noticed too that one tends to get avoided like the plague by said furry freaks of nature? I guess they all fear either barrenness or bitchyness is contageous. Well fuck you very much.
Irritated is the understatement. Irate? Yes, that might get close. Blooming Irate and bitchy and barren BIBB for short
Baby Dancing? Surely not - it must be boner day no? I refuse to believe baby dancing, .
Posted by: Australian Bitch at Mar 18, 2004 12:22:35 AM
Hysterical.....uncontrollable laughter....peeing myself...... and you know what? Hot tea with milk burns like a MOTHERFUCKER when it comes out your nose! Thanks for the experience.
BABY DANCING???? What dumb ass thought that up, I can't help but wonder!?? Whoever she is, she is nowhere as smart as OUR Cheryl B., who came up with: The bitchy barren board for irritated infertiles (LIZ- this is fab! I'm waiting for your board to be up and running too!)and Julie's genius is blinding, there are no words, really, to describe it properly.
Boulder- you poor thing. Your 2003 sounds a hell of a lot like my 1999. I didn't say F U though. I said "ASSHOLE and SONOFABITCH!!!!" to a lab guy drawing blood, rather ineptly as I kicked him away from me in the chest. (I had an IV in one arm, Blood transfusion in the other arm, and the fucker came to draw blood for the umteenth time and had run out of places to do so and decided to draw from the big fat vein on the top of my foot. #1 I have very thin, transparent milk white skin, u can see all veins like a fucking road map! #2: the vein was BIG #3 I didn't understand why they are DRAWING BLLOD OUT when they are trying to pump blood back in, since I was heamorraging to death with amiscarriage and my Hemoglobin was 4.6?? #4: I suggested they just put a vial up to my hoo-hah and take the blood that way since it was pouring out anyway. Anyhooo, he got "ASSHOLE!!!" and kicked because he managed to TEAR THE VEIN open, quite painfully,and the blood was pouring from that too! he was STUPID enough to say, while bending at my feet, "i'm gonna have to use the other foot now!" MULE KICK!!"ASSHOLE!No you're not! SONOFABITCH! GET OUT!!". I was in and out of the same hospital every few days from March-end May; 2 weeks here, 6 days there, 10 days then, off and on.
I told you guys I have an Irish temper, it only explodes when i've reached the end of my rope though. Not like my Nana, who told her GP when he couldn't find a reason for her medical problem after 16 MRI's and just said "it's your old age" as a diagnosis:"Old Age MY ASS!Maybe you can't figure out a diagnosis after 16 MRI's because your head is up your ass up to your shoulders. Idiot." (God how I miss my Nana.)Turns out she was right. She had severe cirossis of the Liver as a result of a bout with hepatitis B back in 91 when I got married that they didn't diagnose until '95 when they tried to remove her gallbladder and the liver started bleeding. The new Specalist (best in country) said that "he had never seen a liver that diseased in his 25 years of practice." She was gone within 2 1/2 months, sharp as a pin almost till the last week. Old Age my ass too!
Why are medical professionals sometimes so brainless?? (Not YOU MARIA-OB. I love you!)
Mindy, can I get an award for longest post? *heh heh heh*
Posted by: Cyn at Mar 18, 2004 1:12:20 AM
Personally, I prefer the term "Sleep Fucking".
Just for the record.
Cyn
Posted by: Cyn at Mar 18, 2004 1:15:27 AM
You guys made me cry. This is the first time in my life that I have ever had female friends and I can't tell you how much being accepted by all of you has helped me to get through this. thank you.
Posted by: cheryl b. at Mar 18, 2004 4:33:33 AM
Julie's blog is like the house on the street with the cool mom where all the kids hang out.
Posted by: Kristine at Mar 18, 2004 9:22:38 AM
More like the one where the teenagers are allowed to smoke pot in the garage, provoking more than one angry editorial in the neighborhood association newsletter and a friendly visit from the local constabulary.
Posted by: Julie at Mar 18, 2004 10:53:12 AM
Uh-oh Julie- that sounds like the voice of experience speaking!
Posted by: Kristine at Mar 18, 2004 11:53:37 AM
I think I've been kicked off pretty much every inf forum I've joined simply because I curse like a sailor. Sad, really.
Posted by: BrendaS at Mar 18, 2004 12:13:56 PM
mmmmmmm...pot
Posted by: Jodi at Mar 18, 2004 1:17:21 PM
Jodi, seriously, I just about choked on my own spit. I'll be chortling about that one all day long. (And longing for a bong hit, of course.)
Tonya
Posted by: Tonya at Mar 18, 2004 3:54:28 PM
I know this is wayyyyy after the fact ... but I’m oh so glad to have discovered this blog before I tried to find a cycle buddy. I’ve been lurking around this month trying to find a forum/message board/chatroom/whatever that seemed to fit my personality but between the acronyms and the baby dust my head was spinning. I guess my school ditching pot smoking general lack of respect for authority despite being a college educated professional past hampers my ability to play well with cheerleader/sorority sister types, Thank God!
Posted by: anne at Apr 25, 2004 9:37:37 PM
I am about to go on a family vacation and three couples who have babies. I am not in a happy state right now, but this board has made me feel 100 times better. You guys are awesome. Bitchiness is soo satisfying....
Posted by: Cristina at Jul 20, 2006 7:02:43 AM
