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03/30/2004
I don't like unpleasant things
First, an administrative note. Tomorrow I'm going out of town for about a week. It is unlikely that I'll update during that time, for two reasons:
- I won't have time or privacy to write.
- I doubt I'll have much to say beyond, "Holy mother of God, do these people ever stop being so motherfucking pleasant?"
I'm going to visit my grandparents along with my mother and my aunt. I love spending time with each of them separately; I love even more spending time with them together. But it presents certain difficulties. In my family, we don't discuss anything negative.
Ever.
My grandmother is famous for once saying fretfully, "I don't like unpleasant things." You tell 'em, Grandma.
We don't talk about the sad and acrimonious divorces both of my uncles went through last year. We don't talk about my cousins, who are all more or less adrift in various ways. We don't even discuss the cancer that's taken up residence south of my grandfather's equator. And when I say "we don't discuss," I mean we do not ask about, refer to, or in any other way acknowledge that which will kill him in the not-too-distant future.
Ever.
So if we don't talk about those things, those matters of moment that affect the entire family, we certainly don't talk about infertility or pregnancy loss.
On the one hand, I don't feel any great need to discuss it with them. I consider our situation to be mostly a private one. (By that I mean I'll happily expound at great length before people I don't really know, yet never breathe a word to my nearest and dearest.) Besides, I grew up in this family, so the strong tendency to accentuate the positive and flatly deny the very existence of the negative is comfortable, at least when I'm around them. Wackaloon, yes, but familiar.
On the other hand, it's unsettling to be among them knowing I have this other life, this separate sadness that goes entirely unacknowledged. My mother may have told my grandparents about my two losses, but I don't know; even if they were aware, they'd never say a word.
The stress of facing another cycle is taking a great toll on me; the stakes this time seem higher than before. The stress of hiding that stress in front of people who know me well is enough to make my head explode.
But the only alternative is openness — and believe me when I tell you that that's the most stressful prospect of all.
So I will spend a week in a silent freakout, dutifully taking my birth control pills, counting down the days, imagining the best and worst of what the next two months could bring — all the while smiling, making conversation, trying to seem interested in the world beyond my ovaries. Pleasant on the outside, roiling on the inside.
And trying not to talk about my uterus in mixed company.
Comments (91)
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Crap.
I'm not sure which is worse: not being able to drop by and check in, or imagining you in superstraightjacketrepressionland.
Hope there's someplace you can duck out and decompress, frequently. Take care! xoxox
Take note: Empty out several small bottles of shampoo, mouthwash or other seemingly innocent trifle, replace with vodka or whatever else strikes your fancy. Pour into any soft drink, iced tea or whatever, up to and including breakfast juice. Do this FREQUENTLY.
My money is on you to keep that smile plastered on your face and even have a good time.
Big hug,
S.
I will miss you and your uterus (a phrase I don't think I've ever uttered before). Have a good trip!
Oh, Julie, it sounds triple plus wackaloon, your family visit. So much nontalking is hard to imagine--though, somewhat selfishly, I'm thinking you might well do well to update while you're a way in order to (1) keep your head from exploding (which I think should be avoided at all costs) and (2) to keep me and us (your dear readers) in touch with your story.
xo
Eve
I've tried to talk to my family about these issues, but mostly it just makes for uncomfortable conversations (for them, I mean). Maybe it's better to not try to get them to understand.
So what'll you talk about? The weather?
I suppose politics and religion are out too. Better bring a book.
We'll miss you- good luck in attempting to divert the mind from the matters at hand! :)
Travel safely, and hurry home!
And in the meantime: would you like some more ginger snaps? is it hot enough for you? did you hear about the dog getting into the neighbor's garden? how about a nice tall glass of lemonade?
&c. &c. &c.
I think I will still check in at least once a day just in case. Hurry back. We'll miss you.
Dang! Well, hurry back, sneak off to the public library for updates if you can, and yes, do substitute vodka for personal care items. The effects of the vodka should render the absence of shampoo considerably less troubling.
Though if your family is that skillful at denial, perhaps you could just bring a handle of Jim Beam and heft it up onto the breakfast table, nestling it in the crook of your arm for the rest of the day.
In the meantime, we will be driving up your hits-per-day numbers by checking incessantly...
Have a great time!
Please. No need to hide the booze. We're already all drinkers we're Episcopalian, for God's sake.
Here's an idea: bring along an applique project. It will keep your hands busy and give you good reason to swear in mixed company! P
We'll miss you and your ovaries.
Safe travels!
Oh man! What will we do without you and your ovaries!!!!! Please, do go to the library so we don't all go into withdrawal.
Damn. I couldn't do it. Hell, I can't keep from telling strangers who ask if I've got kids. Good luck and God speed, woman! Drink it up, and you'll be back before you know it.
Gah, who will I obsessively check every five minutes? Oh yeah, all the other blogs I visit. Well, you will be missed like crazy, and I only just really *met* you. I hope you have a safe--and relatively sane--trip.
"Take note: Empty out several small bottles of shampoo, mouthwash or other seemingly innocent trifle, replace with vodka or whatever else strikes your fancy. Pour into any soft drink, iced tea or whatever, up to and including breakfast juice. Do this FREQUENTLY."
Malibu works great for this. Hardly any alcohol breath, especially when mixed with a soft drink.
I am curious, though. What's worse, family that doesn't communicate enough or family that communicates too much? I'm asking because I found out that my dad told my 13-year-old sister and her mother (his ex) that he wished she would die from her breast cancer (!?) I have to admit I was not entirely suprised because while I was in highschool my dad told me he thought about commiting suicide. Oh, and another time my sister's mom (when she was my step-mom) saw fit to tell the bankteller about my virginity status at 14. Somethings are better to kept to yourself, ya know?
Anyway, try to have some fun on your vacation. Maybe you can have loud sex while visiting to give them something else to not talk about. At least that's a more fun subject to try to avoid :o)
The tribulations of family, it doen't matter where in the world you are ('xcept maybe in some village in the Congo) families are all the same.
With Easter looming upon us once more, I dread the visit to the in laws. My family is so disfunctional I moved away 30.000 miles to get away from the influence of this Satan Brood. The inlaws could be worse though, the jury is still out. Yep, mutter pleasantries, put on the mask, thou shall not criticise, nor query nor refuse the flask of holy water which is suddenly appearing in your pocketbook. Perhaps I could fill it with Malibu, it's a miracle, I turned water into wine.
Loud sex? hmm, it just does not work sleeping in the bed hubby slept in, farted in and probably groped both hisself and his cousin in. Perish the thought, ewww.
Julie, you'll be missed both here and the Other Side.
Good luck wearing the mask.
Safe travels and happy sipping (iced tea, lemonade, episcopalian sauce, whatever) and supping and (emotional) silence.
I come from the opposite end of the spectrum; I had to finally tell my mom to just shut up about all of the things the doctor said might "possibly" be wrong with her or her husband. Are you sick in bed? In physical pain? Need actual assistance? No? Then find some other passengers for the Worry Wagon. Sheesh.
Okay, I owe you $120 for the therapy session. Feel free to unload on my blog when you get back from your trip to Dixie. (Right?)
Miss you already.
Have a safe journey. That environment would drive me mad. Fine, more mad. Certifiably mad.
"trying to seem interested in the world beyond my ovaries"
You mean there is more to life than what's going on within our ovaries? Amazing.
Have a nice trip and try not to let your head explode from holding everything in.
I have the hardest time not thinking about my fertility or risk of miscarriage when I am talking to my family. But, I learned to keep my mouth shut about my fertility after my MIL called during my miscarriage. "you're not hemmoraging, are you?" Nope, not going to tell them a thing. Considering not calling them when a baby is born. Yep, don't need those comments.
Enjoy your trip home. I'm sure you will need a vacation after the trip.
Have a great visit Julie. Enjoy your time with Grandpa especially.
I'm sure we will all be complete basket cases in the deepest throes of Julie Withdrawal, but somehow we will survive. (What the hell am I gonna do for a whole week????) Maybe I'll go abuse my RE!!! That will be fun.
Ta ta darlin. *Sings* "Oh I wish I was in Dixieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
Y'all come back real soon now, ya hear?? (PS: I can get away with that, I'm from a Southern Mama)
I think its very irresponsible to leave us hanging. Don't you know you have a duty to entertain us? What are we supposed to do for a whole week without you? I think I will make up funny stories about you in my heard.
Have fun!
I don't like unpleasant things either! So I'm going to pretend I didn't even read this! lol
wahahahahahaahaha JJ!!!! That was PERFECT!! Ditto for Tertia.
Julie, aren't you slightly frightened as to what kind of mischief we will all get up to on your blog in your absence?? If you aren't, you probably should be. "..When the cat's away......" I'm sharpening my claws already.....
MEOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cyn
wahahahahahaahaha JJ!!!! That was PERFECT!! Ditto for Tertia.
Julie, aren't you slightly frightened as to what kind of mischief we will all get up to on your blog in your absence?? If you aren't, you probably should be. "..When the cat's away......" I'm sharpening my claws already.....
MEOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cyn
Have a safe trip! Hurry back! We are Juliephiles, we need our fix!
And with luck, maybe someone other than you will succumb to the boiling pot of reality and explode in a hilarious display of vulgarity, launching a chain reaction from the elders.. and you can eat popcorn and watch it unravel like a good movie.
Julie, I'm in a hurry & can't find an email feedback form around this page. Since I know you've been around PubMed and are possibly as obsessed as I am about TTC I thought you might be interested in this. Might be a nifty thing to take to those fancy NY fertility docs for your IVF!
Good luck with the family!
Eggs With Fragile Zona Fertilized With ICSI & Resulting PG!
Oh no, I married into That Kind of Family. Imagine their horror when they met my folks, a wacky pathologist and a feminist scholar who wore a button that read, "Don't Assume I'm Straight." At our rehearsal dinner, they sat her next to my FIL's brother, who waxed poetic about "Feminazis" all through dessert.
Drink lots. Breathe. Add practice saying "You total wingnut" in your head after every sentence. You'll feel better. Bless your heart.
And Jilbur? Superstraightjacketrepressionland? Patent that fucker.
Talk about unpleasant. I realize you've been through alot. I, too, have had 2 miscarriages, one at 18 weeks. Your negativity, fowl attitude, and fowl mouth need improvement before you venture into parenthood. I shutter at the thought of you talking that way in front of your child. Grow up and then have kids.
Talk about unpleasant. I realize you've been through alot. I, too, have had 2 miscarriages, one at 18 weeks. Your negativity, foul attitude, and foul mouth need improvement before you venture into parenthood. I shutter at the thought of you talking that way in front of your child. Grow up and then have kids.
Message to Heidi: Really had an awful reaction to your comments. First I thought your comments were a joke, but then I realized they weren't. They are completely out of line and I really resent your criticizing a very, wonderful and brilliant lady who will no doubt make the most wonderful of mothers. Shame on you. By the way not only is it foul, not fowl, but it is also shudder, not shutter.
S.
I find my constant cussing builds up their vocabularies.
My, what a nasty post. I'd make fun of your spelling, but I always thought those kinds of shots were cheesy. In the meantime: different people handle grief in different ways. Some people do denial better than others. I'm not a fan of accentuating the positive; doesn't seem to have affected my parenting skills, though, which have been reviewed by teams of specialists and judged exemplary.
Oop, sorry, no offense to the poster who *did* make fun of the lousy spelling.
The only reason I made reference to the spelling issue, is that "Heidi" posted twice -- the first using fowl and the second with the correction to foul.
Yeah, I noticed that too--shutter didn't get corrected, though. And truly, I posted before I saw your post....
Yeah, I noticed that too--shutter didn't get corrected, though. And truly, I posted before I saw your post....
Heidi, first I would like to say that I am sorry for your losses. Second, I would not say such things if I were you. This is Julie's place to say whatever she likes and no one is forcing you to read it. Didn't your mother teach you that if you don't have something nice to post not to post anything at all? Besides, how do you know that she swears this much out loud? For example I would never call you a "stupid fucking cunt" or an "ignorant fucking bitch" in front of my 2 year old son, but I certainly don't have any problems typing it now do I?
Copy everything that Cheryl B. just said, then sign it "OliviaDrab".
And even though it was corrected, I did snicker at the thought of Julie pretending to be a chicken. "Cluck cluck!" Oooh, fowl mouth.
Hey, leave Julie alone. Its her blog and she can swear as much as she likes. Shutter. Cluck.
Hands up who misses Julie?
cluck cluck
Sorry, but seeing as Julie is not here I've decided to picture her dressed in a chicken suit. Its her own fault, leaving me to my own devices. I'm not nearly as eloquent as she is and that is the best I can do.
So take the photo of her from her about me page, and superimpose that on a chicken. With scrawny yellow legs and big orange feet. Cussing of course. A cussing chicken.
Its that fowl reference, I can't help myself.
cluck.
Ditto to Cheryl B & Oliviadrab's post, signed Cynthia. Question: "Are all Heidi's self-righteous bitches?" Cause I know one also here in this part of the world who gets on MY LAST FUCKING NERVE. (That's for YOU Heidi) My moms dog Heidi is nice though. Me, I'm waiting with baited breath for Mindy's response to Ms. Heidi's "pearls of wisdom". For the record, I tried my darndest to not cuss in front of my daughter (who is 9 1/2 now) and look what happened? She learned all the cuss words in KINDERGARDEN and primary school (in two languages). For instance she told me the other day "Mama, you see that boy? He's in my class and he always says bad words." Stupid me, I say, "No, really?" and she says "Yeah he really does! He says Bitch , fuck you, and MOTHERFUCKER all the time". Gosh, I'm fascinated by the things she is learing in school. She knows they are bad words and shouldn't be used. (I have said "do as I say, not as I do" for those occasions that I might slip up while driving in traffic.) She is a multilingual cusser, in 3 languages (the 3rd one she learned from my Mother in Law), and none of it from me, so guess what Heidi???? Butt out! If you don't like it, go somewhere else. No one is holding a gun to your head to read any of these posts. Well, not yet anyway.
See?? I told Julie we'd all get up to mischief during her absence. By the way Cheryl B., that last line was fab! Just what I was thinking! Bless you for beating me to it.
Tertia: ME!!! Im raising my hand, I miss JULIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Cluck cluck!!
Well damn, I'm pissed at Heidi still, and when I'm angry, I can't spell for shit. So I apologize in advance.
Ahhhh well. we who love Madame Zhulie here can tar and feather Heidi in absentia all we want, but the horribly just punishment for being Heidi is *drumroll* being Heidi. And anything we say here just pales in comparison with that dreadful fate.
I'm sorry for your loss, too, Heidi, and even sorrier that it's not broadened your capacity for compassion for someone who is not you.
jillbur - THAT was real good. *clapping, hootin & hollerin* Bless ya girrrrrl.
I wonder if Heidi had the nerve to sneak back and see what we wrote to her? Hmmmmmmmmm.
Thank you all for your enlightening comments. I hope you have enjoyed yourselves. I certainly have enjoyed reading all the comments. Who knew that people could get that upset by what a stranger wrote?!
Your lives must be so empty. I am so sorry. My advice to you: walk away from your computer and get your family to church. There is whole world out there- you don't have to live through Julie.
Simple fact. Julie has become a friend. Not the kind of friend you meet at the coffee shop to exchange pinky swears. The kind of friend that you meet through a shared communion of tragic circumstances. You huddle together and comfort each other. Some people handle their grief and anxieties by going to church. Some handle it by swearing and being cynical. But the bottom line, is that you understand what the other is going through and realize that not everyone handles it the same way.
You sure as shit don't jump the other person for expressing their grief the way that works best.
...and you don't go into someone else's house and start flinging mud at them.
This is Julie's house. She is away and we are "house-sitting". If you choose to throw mud, then be prepared. We will defend her.
If you can't respect other people then maybe you should listen a little harder next time you are in church.
So back off.
Ohohohohoho.
Three things:
1. Cyn, I love ya, man.
2. Hey! Maybe we could fix Heidi up with Bethany!
3. Oh, man, Heidi, you shouldn't have come back. You don't know who you're dancin' with here, girl.
*rolls up sleeves*
I cannot tell you what an extraordinarily vivid image I got of you, Heidi, from reading your eloquent post, re-post, and rebuttal. I heard the voice, saw the face, noticed the shoes. Word to the third.
Having grown up in a blue-collar neighborhood in the midwest, I have heard many, many slightly-educated, narrow-minded, polarized, hairsprayed, purse-clutching, self-righteous, confident-of-heaven, black-n-white viewing, one-opinion-fits-none weilding, make-the-talking-chicken-hand-behind-her-back suffering, nude-stockings-n-white-shoes wearing, paint-ever'-fucking-thing-with-the-religion-brush opinions in my day. Not that yours sounded anything like that. I'm just saying.
If we wanted to swear like this in front of our children, do you think we'd have bothered to shell out a couple, three grand for these computers and dial-up connections? On top of what our educations cost us? Whoops, maybe I need a better example--on top of what our station wagons cost us?
Think for a moment, and don't mind the smoke. Our kids don't read this blog. In case you haven't noticed, most of our kids didn't make it to the cradle. Some of us are still waiting. Even those of us with children old enough to read (about 6 or 7; or in your case, 18 or 20), we don't hand our our blogrolls for afterschool perusal. What makes you think this way? Do you do everything in front of your kids that you do everywhere else? Do you fuck in front of your kids? I'm just asking.
Think, woman. Think. Or pray. Your choice.
And what makes you think Julie isn't living through us??
Um, I was just looking back to see what Heidi specifically meant about the swearing, and I just noticed that I was the first to swear in this little string of comments. Is that bad?
(Can you hear me not caring from waaay over here?)
Maybe I'm not supposed to hope for it because it's so censorious, but I really-really-really want Julie to come back and erase Heidi. All three comments, presto-boom, just like that-- because there's so much love and kindness and warmth and smart-snappy (and, yes, foul) goodness here, that I want her out like a rotten tooth or a bad egg. Bad egg?
xox,
Eve
Mindy, funny you should mention your vivid image of Heidi, it is exactly the same as mine. Self-righteous, holier-than-thou. It must be tough being so morally superior all the time.
Why I ask you, why does she come here if it upsets her so much? Like those people who will watch an entire movie on TV, from start to finish and then complain about the porn/swearing or whatever in the movie??? Why don’t they switch the TV off / change the channel / don't read blogs that upset them?
Are they masochistic or just plain stupid?