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03/18/2004
Cycle buddies? No, psycho buddies.
I have a confession to make.
Santa's Welty Crack Whores is not my first online buddy group.
When I was beginning IVF #1, I joined a group called Cupid's Babies.
I am not making this up.
I didn't know anyone online or off- who'd been through infertility treatments. I didn't belong with the cool kids on the message boards — the few whose attitudes seemed as shitty pragmatic as mine — because while I was only approaching my first cycle, they'd all been through several. Yet I needed someone to absorb the white-hot intensity of my obsession. I needed someone to talk to.
As the group's name indicates, most of the women in the group were doing retrievals and transfers right around Valentine's Day. Mine wouldn't be until later, but I cheered with great gusto as most of them got positives and commiserated (though I didn't truly know how they felt) when some got negatives. Although I can't claim I honestly cared about any of them, it seemed the thing to do. BFP! 
BFN? Hugs.
No. Wait. With that I go too far. Even in my eagerness to fit in, I never offered hugs.
By the time my two-week wait was over, everyone else in the group had moved on, either to the pregnancy boards or to the next group of cycle buddies — perhaps the Lucky Little Leprechauns or Fuzzy Easter Snuggleducks, whichever was more seasonally appropriate to their plan. There was no one left to celebrate with me when I eventually got my own positive. And there was certainly no one on hand to offer me virtual solace when it became clear the pregnancy would fail. (For that, I repaired to the pregnancy loss boards, which offered a queer but comforting mix of sympathy and practical how-to advice, while occasionally being a little heavy on the angel baby schtick for my tastes.)
Now my point. I'd like to apologize if my mockery has offended anyone who finds special comfort in friendly online groups. Their chief appeal, as I know firsthand, is that they can keep us from feeling alone in a situation that can be profoundly isolating.
Their main failing in my eyes is that I experienced them as communities based on coincidence rather than on any real affinity — the kind of affinity I've found only here with my fellow blogging cranks. The effect overall is the same: I feel less alone knowing you're there. The only difference I see is that I like my buddies sharp, I like my buddies mouthy, and I like my buddies funny, with no hugs and no platitudes. Stormy Bloated Panty-Hiders forever.
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Why would you EVER apologize? No sorries here!
I think everyone knows that the best blogs are written by people who speak honestly on all topics, even if they might step on some toes.
As someone who sometimes take solace in the positive parts of the boards, and other times takes solace in crankiness, this is a time of healthy self-interest for me - I find what I need when I need it and use it for all its worth. It works for some, it doesn't work for others, so be it.
Finding this place and others like it was EXACTLY what I needed at the time I needed it.
Thanks for speaking from your heart, Julie - even when your heart's in a cranky place :)!
I hear ya, Julie.
I was a big fan of a particular message board for women who were trying to conceive after a loss. It served a very real purpose for me, but eventually ceased to fit. No one was in my boat and eventually, nearly everyone went on to their own successful pregnancies.
I just couldn't get it up anymore for the message boards. But I certainly can for you gals in my blog world. From one mouthy bitch to another, thanks for being part of it.
Well, since I haven't actually started to ttc yet, I haven't really been through the whole cycle buddy thing, but I have surfed enough fertility and baby related boards to know about it. My problem with these boards is the over-censoring. I also prefer on-line buddies to be REAL and potty mouthed and yes, cranky. Positivity has its place on this board too, we only smother you with hugs when you absolutely need it. And I'll take hysterical laughing over sneezy baby dust any day!
"Stormy Bloated Panty-Hiders forever."
Amen sista-woman!
HA! One of those bloody cycle groups.. that's how I found our Dear Julie online. My first lonely IVF cycle.... I had no one to relate to.. my normal online friends, most of whom are also close friends IRL had all gone thru inf, pregnancies, and most are now ttc #2. *sigh*
So I went to a certain site, where someone posted a link to "A little pregnant".. saying Julie was the funniest person to ever walk the earth... and I just had to click. Here I am...
(and you all thought I got here by typing "monkey fucking IVF doctors into google.. HA)
Julie, Julie, Julie.
I could never "move on" from you. What's to move on from? I feel like your blog, and you yourself, transcend the particular circumstance of exhaustively persuing longed-for children. I do understand that longing, good Lord, do I ever. And I am happy to be able to speak from that experience and offer support when I can. But there's... more.
I have so much trouble finding friends, esp. female friends, with whom I can feel "at home." I don't expect everyone to be right where I am in this moment, married, parenting a pre-schooler, pregnant, due on this particular day, IF vet, adoption vet, concertina player... but I treasure anyone I meet who speaks my language. And youuuuuuuuu... you speaka my LANguage!! (credit here to that band, oh, what the hell were they called? Something related to heroin use, right? I don't know anymore.)
There have been times when I felt I just didn't "fit" here, since I am not in the midst of ART, but honestly I do feel like I fit here because of YOU, and how you write, and what you write about, be it ART or other stuff (okay, yeah, mostly ART, but the way you write about it, it's really about EVERYTHING, the whole human woman experience. Really. This is your brilliance).
I just adore you, Julie. There are no walls here. Just a gauzy curtain alerting one to the fact that now you are entering a new sphere of intimacy, the real deal.
Oh, WTF, [[[[HUGS]]]] and smiley faces all around!
Nice post, I think it's important to remember we all turned to these fertility boards at some point...looking for help, advice, friendship.
Truth is I am getting a little nervous around here. Julie I adore your writing, to the point of addiction!
But some of the comments of late have made me wonder if I'm just to wimpy to be here. I personally love a hug. I don't swear like a sailor, I don't smoke pot, I'm not confrontational, I lack razor sharp wit, I don't like being part of the angry mob. I'm not even mouthy...or bitchy. Julie, are you starting some sort of cult here?? Your followers seem to be getting rowdier, dirtier, angrier & adore you quite fanatically. They like what you like & HATE what you don't like...... Are you ever scared by us readers? Cause I just got scared for a minute. Can someone please hug me? Or shall I be cast aside & jeered because I'm not ballsy enough?
Simone " I am Meek" Clark
I don't think I fitted in all my life, it was my weird family when I was a kid, then my tendency to wear my dads shirts to school (which turned into a fashion trend, may I add) and my love of punk music in the early 80s instead of Cool and the Gang. Men thought me different, but difficult so I did not find a partner who appreciated me for my difference until I was "older".
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get. Unless you choose the nutty ones all the time.
So to find a gang of women, both here and on other forums (and you know "the other side" I am talking about) where I can be my g'darn honest self, warts and all is the biggest relief of my life. Mollie, I hear ya. It has taken until my mid 30-ies to find women I related to in a way that transcended shallow relationships based on good news and surface dwelling. It goes beyond ART, it's about tearing down walls and appreciating the core of what is important.
In the beginning there was loneliness, even when I found certain groups to help me through my first cycle, I still felt alone. They did not think beyond the hurdles - let's get pregnant and all will be well with the world. I never believed that, and found myself kicked off a certain board called mean and a bitch.
I love the fact that crankiness transcends culture as well - we're all pissed off over the same things, the same emotions and the same crap that flings towards us no matter where we are in the world. Halleluja, globalisation is thy name.
I guess Julie, that every relationship starts with coincidence and the affinity comes later. At that moment you choose who you hang out with. That comes with sharing and showing vulnerabilities asides from sharing the funny, sharp, funny, potty mouth, did I mention funny?
[struggles between giving fellow whoopsie-dovies biggum huggsy-wuggsies, and letting loose a stream of sailor talk]
I can't choose. Really. But I am fairly sure you wouldn't kick me out either way, even on top of not being one of the ones ttc. Right? Right??
As one of the potty mouths, I defer to you, Julie: do you care? If it helps, you can come swear over at my place too. I just find that sometimes there is just no more effective way to nail a point. Or to stave off a huggy-wuggy.
I like y'all ballsy and bitchy and spiny. You can be anyway you like, just make it funny, and I'm in.
Simone has uncovered my diabolical plan. Yes, I am starting a cult. We shall be called
the Branch Clomidians.Based in Wackaloon, TX.
I found this site last weekend, searching under "IVF 2 ww"
I just finished my first IVF cycle after a few Clomid-IUIs that didn't work out. I found myself feeling kinda misunderstood (my husband's been great, but wanted to find someone else who knew what this was like to go through), and so finally considered the message boards. Couldn't do it. I read through several, but didn't feel any sort of a connection with the boards or the posts I came across. Then I found this site. I spent hours reading the posts and comments (you guys are all so great!!), and feel so much less alone (no, I'm not the only one who cringes at 'baby dust'). Though I haven't posted before, I feel like I can relate to almost everyone here on both the trials of ART and the trials of human idiocy!
I don't really have many female friends, and the closest one, geographically, is 9 months pregnant complaining about her contractions (boo hoo!) telling me I'm lucky to have been able to do an IVF cycle. Must say, I derived some pleasure finding out that her induction date was just pushed back a week (hehe).
Thanks, everyone, for being so honest and funny and cool...
{{{spitting water out of her mouth}}}
Branch Clomidians
That's priceless!
And for Simone...{{{{HUGS}}}}
We all need it sometimes, it is just that we also need to bitch about our ups and downs with infertility.
Simone wrote:
...some of the comments of late have made me wonder if I'm just too wimpy to be here. [...] Can someone please hug me? Or shall I be cast aside & jeered because I'm not ballsy enough?
Simone! I respect gentleness, warmth, and kindness. I don't always display them here ("How about never, Julie?") because I don't have to this is one of the few avenues I have for being open about anger, disappointment, and pain. My own coping mechanism is pointy, twisted, and would probably give you tetanus if you stepped on it barefoot, but that doesn't mean I don't admire the more straightforward, less barbed approaches other people have.
Your followers seem to be getting rowdier, dirtier, angrier & adore you quite fanatically. They like what you like & HATE what you don't like...Are you ever scared by us readers?
Yeah, y'all scare the first morning urine outta me.
No one here is a follower, as best I can tell. I think many of us adore each other fanatically. When it works, we inspire the best in each other well, the funniest, at least, which is worth a lot in the face of a very unfunny situation.
And, Mindy, no: I do not give rat's ass one whether people swear here.
Well, call it a cult or a buddy group or whatever you like...I'm staying.
I adore my new online friends. I think of them often, and wonder if I met them, what would they be like? It may be that this is a group that would never meld in "real life" like we do here. And I think that's part of the attraction.
I don't know...it's been a long day and my brain's tired. I just know that over the past several weeks I have gotten some new perspective, learned many new words and had a hell of a lot of fun!
Count me in for the Panty Folding Branch Clomidians. Julie- I just might drink the kool-aid if you offered it.
Is it spiked? [drains own glass to make room]
How about a convention for the Panty Folding Branch Clomidians in Vegas. I might be a bit biased to the location because I live there.
If/when the Panty Folders convene for their first annual meeting I want to be on the invite list...particularly if it's in Vegas! I'd say that would be a most appropriate location, given the crap shoot we're all taking at getting pg.
"How about a convention for the Panty Folding Branch Clomidians in Vegas?"
I, for one, would attend if only to see the looks on other hotel guests' faces when they saw the Welcom PFBC's signage.
Not that I wouldn't attend to be cranky and bitchy and foul-mouthed among friends. Especially if the hotel has a hot tub.
I smell a road trip!!!
well.... shit! Tea out my nose again! Will I ever learn? (probably not!)even worse, it was lukewarm.
Mindy, you smell road trip? Ya girlie! But I smell a LONG ASS FLIGHT (8 hrs to london.....12 hour lay-over....10 hour flight to Vegas). (but screw it, I'm a sucker for slot machines) You know, I think it would be worth the jet-lag from hell to see you guys.
Shit if I know what I would do without you all. Y'all make my day. Thanks to you all, I got to threaten hubby's stupid remarks with a "you are beggin for a cock-slap, aren't you?" then I had to patiently explain that yes, it would be as bad as it sounds, and is worse that a "bitch slap". *cracks up*.
Julie, funny you mentioned psycho buddies.... I never told you that I call Cyclogest supposotories (you know, the progesterone) PSYCHOGEST? Hmmm, baaaad Cyn, for not saying before. It's totally true though, isn't it?? Hey , you will LOVE THIS!
Remember I mentiond that my RE and I were having "discussions", OK ARGUEMENTS, about the whole testosterone (sp? horrid) testing for me before the last IVF? He didn't want to do it? Even though my levels have consistently been triple above normal range since i was 15?(i'm 32) excecpt for right before I got pregnant both times (1 successful, 1 miscarriage). One would think that he would just do the fucking test to shut me up, ya know? But noooooooooooooo!! Well, my therapist was asking me about plans for the next IVF and i mentioned this little disagreement to him, and he said "If he gets difficult, get the name of the test and give it to me, "i'll write the orders for it, and you take it to a private lab!" I love this man. Really, I do. His reasoning? #1: If i'm right, then I will know it and can shove the results under the RE's nose. #2: If they are by some miracle normal, then nothing to worry about. Either way it's a good thing.
Hey! Where'd Kat go to?? Didn't she have her transfer 2 weeks ago at least?????? Hmm, hope no news is good news.
PS: Simone: Big bear hug for you. We all need a little lovin sometime hon. NO PROBLEM.
a note from the FUTURE:
i've been reading your blog for a while (i'd guess almost a year) now, but as i've started working with an RE i thought i'd go back to the beginning. you hit the nail on the head with the message boards. between the forced cheer, the confusing abbreviations and the fancy emoticons, i have to say i feel right at home right here.