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03/09/2004
It's the pictures that got small
In case you had to leave the theater momentarily to give yourself an injection or resituate an errant suppository, here is a list of scenes you may have missed from some of the cinema's most notable works.
Gone with the Wind (1939)
Scarlett suddenly realizes she loves Rhett after all, but only after Ashley has undergone painful reconstructive testicular surgery.
The African Queen (1951)
Spinster missionary Rosie (Katharine Hepburn) is initially horrified by the raw carnality of riverboat pilot Charlie (Humphrey Bogart). When he protests that his ill-mannered behavior is only human nature, she tells him with a chilly glare, "Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we are put in this world to rise above!" The two later conceive a child through no distasteful physical contact with each other whatsoever.
To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
Young Scout Finch suffers an early miscarriage on Halloween, utterly ruining her giant papier-mâché ham costume. To everyone's surprise, the mysterious stranger who saves her from hemorrhaging to death is later revealed to be noted reproductive endocrinologist Boo Radley, MD.
North by Northwest (1959)
While trying to elude a cropduster in a Midwestern field, New York ad man Roger O. Thornhill (Cary Grant) inhales enough pesticide to render every single one of his gametes chromosomally abnormal. In a surprise cameo, legendary director Alfred Hitchcock appears as the nurse who says, "Next," at the sperm bank.
The King and I (1956)
The proud Siamese king (Yul Brynner) confides in song to teacher Anna Leon-Owens (Deborah Kerr) that his entire brood of royal children are the result of a single medicated IUI. (See director's cut on the newly released deluxe DVD for expurgated scenes set in the palace NICU.)
Singin' in the Rain (1952)
At the close of the silent film era, romantic costars Don Lockwood (Gene Kelly) and Lina Lamont (Jean Hagen) struggle to make the difficult transition to talkies. When the young starlet Kathy Seldon (Debbie Reynolds) enters the picture, Lina believes her troubles are over — but gets her comeuppance when Don goes public with the shocking news that her boy/girl twins are the result of Kathy's selfless offer to donate eggs.
Potemkin (1925)
During a massacre by Cossacks, a young woman tries to save her baby by pushing its carriage down the long decline of the Odessa steps. As the woman is painstakingly making her way through a ream of colorful, heavily decorated "Dear Birthmother" letters trying to choose who shall care for her baby when it reaches the bottom of the stairs, she is shot to death by the advancing soldiers.
Gaslight (1944)
In this classic psychological thriller, a cold, suave killer (Charles Boyer) convinces his frightened young wife (Ingrid Bergman) that she's going insane by doctoring her home pregnancy tests so that they all initially read positive, but turn negative just moments later.
Citizen Kane (1941)
Rosebud was the name of the buxom centerfold in the 1940 Police Gazette Charles Foster Kane stared at, glassy-eyed, while furiously trying to fill a plastic specimen cup.
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I told Mark that I wished I had known the sex of our baby so I didn't have to say"it". He asked me what I thought it was and I said "a girl" so he said "then she was a girl". He asked me if I wanted to name her but I said no even though I did. I told him what I had started thinking of her as and now I will tell you so you know what the point of this is and why I am crying. She's my little Scout. That's the first time I've told anyone besides Mark what her name is. I wanted to tell you before, but I didn't want you to think I'm a dork.
Oh, Cheryl.
Thank you for telling us.
Julie, who the f*** are you? You're so literate and culturally knowledgeable and you write these amazing things apparently in your spare time.
Cheryl, Scout is about the best name for a little girl I have ever heard. I wish that little girl had made it all the way here to be your daughter. Blessings to you.
OMG, you are so funny. I can't help but wonder what you would come up with for The Picture of Dorian Gray or The Birds!
Cheryl - sending a hug to your little angel Scout
Su, I'm just plain old overeducated, underemployed folks. With a cable modem. And a shitty, shitty attitude.
Julie, we wouldn't have it any other way. God, you're brilliant.
Cheryl: I have loved that name since I was ten. I'm so sorry you didn't get to meet your Scout. And yes, thank you for telling us.
You must be an old movie buff- I keep saying I'm going to watch some of those old classics I've never seen. And I especially want to now that I know about this whole reproduction theme running throughout them....very intriguing.
Wow!!
Okay, maybe I'm weird, but it was your opening line that utterly killed me.
I missed about half of "Pirates of the Caribbean" 'cause I was in the scungy bathroom of the local second-run (i.e., not cleaned since 1962) movie house, shooting up Follistim...
... see, there were only two stalls, but one was "out of order," so I took over that.
At the time, it felt like about as close to "Sid and Nancy" as my life had ever gotten.
Oh my god. Somebody get Julie a book contract, a syndicated column, big boxes of money, SOMETHING.
And then go get Cheryl something pretty from Tiffany's. ((Hug))
And not just books,you should write screenplays, too. You are incredible!