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03/10/2004
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E-mail from a year ago:
From: Julie
Date: March 10, 2003 1:38:22 PM EST
To: Mom
Subject: Knock me over with an ultrasound wand
I guess it DOES only take one. I'm pregnant. My blood test today was positive!
Date: March 10, 2003 1:38:22 PM EST
To: Mom
Subject: Knock me over with an ultrasound wand
I guess it DOES only take one. I'm pregnant. My blood test today was positive!
First hurdle cleared. Next one comes Wednesday, when we see whether my hormone levels have doubled appropriately. Cross your fingers for me, please...
From: Julie
Date: March 13, 2003 8:16:22 AM EST
To: Mom
Subject: The numbers
...from my blood test yesterday are rising like they should, but not as rapidly as they ought, so I have to go back on Friday for yet another blood test. Nothing is necessarily wrong, but at this point what's ANOTHER needle in my arm, anyway?
Feeling good. Well, feeling TIRED. But feeling good!
From: Julie
Date: March 14, 2003 5:51:55 PM EST
To: Mom
Subject: Chickens, counting thereof
Well, I had my third blood test today and the results were not promising. They like to see doubling every 48 hours -- I wasn't even close. I'll be going back in on Tuesday for a final check, but it is unlikely to tell us anything good. Better luck next time...
From: Julie
Date: March 31, 2003 3:27:27 PM EST
To: Mom
Subject: Rain check
Wellllll, I think I need a rain check tonight -- the drugs I took last week to induce miscarriage DID NOT WORK, so I've had to take them again today and they're kinda rough. Tylenol with codeine does the trick nicely, but it also puts me to sleep, so I'll likely be snoozing.
From: Julie
Date: April 9, 2003 6:00:32 PM EDT
To: Mom
Subject: Well, SHIT.
It's ectopic, they now think -- so after THREE induced miscarriages I AM STILL PREGNANT.
And distinctly unamused.
Back tomorrow for a shot of methotrexate that should take care of things once and for all (though with my recent track record I wouldn't exactly bet the farm).
Pollyanna says at least it'll nip any incipient arthritis in the bud.
From: Julie
Date: March 13, 2003 8:16:22 AM EST
To: Mom
Subject: The numbers
...from my blood test yesterday are rising like they should, but not as rapidly as they ought, so I have to go back on Friday for yet another blood test. Nothing is necessarily wrong, but at this point what's ANOTHER needle in my arm, anyway?
Feeling good. Well, feeling TIRED. But feeling good!
From: Julie
Date: March 14, 2003 5:51:55 PM EST
To: Mom
Subject: Chickens, counting thereof
Well, I had my third blood test today and the results were not promising. They like to see doubling every 48 hours -- I wasn't even close. I'll be going back in on Tuesday for a final check, but it is unlikely to tell us anything good. Better luck next time...
From: Julie
Date: March 31, 2003 3:27:27 PM EST
To: Mom
Subject: Rain check
Wellllll, I think I need a rain check tonight -- the drugs I took last week to induce miscarriage DID NOT WORK, so I've had to take them again today and they're kinda rough. Tylenol with codeine does the trick nicely, but it also puts me to sleep, so I'll likely be snoozing.
From: Julie
Date: April 9, 2003 6:00:32 PM EDT
To: Mom
Subject: Well, SHIT.
It's ectopic, they now think -- so after THREE induced miscarriages I AM STILL PREGNANT.
And distinctly unamused.
Back tomorrow for a shot of methotrexate that should take care of things once and for all (though with my recent track record I wouldn't exactly bet the farm).
Pollyanna says at least it'll nip any incipient arthritis in the bud.
Comments (21)
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You have no idea how far up my throat my heart leaped when I read that first line--I thought you were pregnant! Sooo disappointing. But love the Pollyanna angle.
Oh hon, I don't know how you are still standing. Why does it take so much time and effort and pain to remove all traces of something you've wanted more than anything you've ever wanted before? I almost slit my wrists when they told me I would have to stretch it out over 4 office visits and a surgery. Fuckers.
I hate March. March blows. E-mails to loved ones about death blow. Fuck March.
Oh, Julie. That just sucks so much there's nothing to say about it.
Sigh.
Have I told you today that I love you?
Thanks, y'all. I'm a little mired at the moment in the whole anniversary thing. A year ago I was pregnant and hopeful. That hope didn't last long two days but it was genuine and strong.
We won't even discuss what the notes above say about my relationship with my family.
Julia, I fear you're right: March is poised to be an ass of a month. My due date for pregnancy #2 is nearing, and although I try not to dwell on it, I do. (I am slightly obsessive-compulsive. That's what I do. I dwell.)
Last year after the ectopic, I found a wonderful group of women online who had just gone through miscarriages themselves. For the next several months we supported each other through disappointment after disappointment as we all tried again. Two of the four of us were successful. One of them is probably at the hospital delivering a gorgeous baby girl even as we speak. She got pregnant in June the week before I did.
It is very hard not to compare. It is very hard not to put my fist through the wall.
I am so sad for you and very, very sorry - P
Oh Julie, I'm so sorry {{hugs}}
I'm not sure if it's the Provera or just me, but that post brought a tear to my eye. Either way, I am more sorry than words can say and I'm hoping and praying that you never have to deal with similar crap again.
I almost fell over when I saw that you were pregnant! How sad to read those notes . . . but I envy you're being able to share with your mother (and via e-mail yet!) Will never happen with my mother!
Julie--Those emails are heartbreaking. I'm sorry you have such a somber aniversary on your calendar.
You can't help but view your life in alternate realities. The would have been pregnancy milestones, the maybe deliveries. You also can't help but mark the anniversaries of pain. It hurts. We're here.
God, I'm just so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I'm hoping there won't be any more sadistic anniversaries to add to your calendar. We all have enough of those to torture ourselves with. Many hugs and lots of love.
:: faint ::
When I read those first few lines, I was SO very excited for you and thought I was going bonkers.
I just found out Monday that I and my IUI catheter have managed to conceive. My 2nd follow-up quant today showed a doubling - something my last pregnancy couldn't achieve.
So when I read today's entry, I was floored!
Anniversaries like that suck hard. I wish you many vodka wishes and dark chocolate dreams.
Aggh, sorry to psych y'all out I didn't mean to get your hopes up. Thanks for your kind sympathy.
Congratulations to you, Deirdre. Very good news indeed!
You stinker. Had to retrace back to the beginning and figure out the 3 in 2003 there meant you were showing us something from the PAST...
You know, everyone told me that once we got our kid, I would forget how insane and frustrating and painful the adoption process was. Maybe it's just the kind of person I am, but I tenaciously cling to the memories of just how bad it was at times. It really was. I say that not to discourage anyone from adopting, more to reach out to anyone else who might be going through it and trying to tell themselves it's not so bad. It's demoralizing as hell, in places. Really nuts. Anyway.
I won't tell you that once you become a mom, you'll have so much happiness on your plate there won't be room for the gristle of sad memories... I'd like to hope so, but since I can't quite achieve it myself, I don't know what's in store. I can say that it's way better to be remembering the rough patches in the company of a child I'm raising, though. That's for certain. But can I ever forget the obtuseness of the hugely pregnant SW in the white, peter-pan collared blouse who blandly interrogated us as she sat on our sofa, drinking our soda, doing the homestudy? NEVER.
Ugh. Painiversaries blow. I am hugging your soul right now. (((Love love love)))
I am sorry.
Good grief, five minutes have just elapsed as I sat here trying to figure out what else to say. I worry about offering too much to illustrate that I think I understand what you are going through right now. I'd hate to wash you away like a stick figure in the torrent and I hope you know that I think I understand and sympathize.
So, just this, I am sorry.
I am sorry.
Good grief, five minutes have just elapsed as I sat here trying to figure out what else to say. I worry about offering too much to illustrate that I think I understand what you are going through right now. I'd hate to wash you away like a stick figure in the torrent.
So, just this, I am sorry.
Ah Julie,
I know the feeling...which is why I haven't told my mom the past two IVF tries. You've really been through a shit year, you know that? 2003 was one of the worst years I've ever had.
My Mom was visiting me and here for the first one, which obviously didn't work and she was depressed for 2 months afterwards. She has a bad heart problem, many other health problems, and depression to boot, why make her life more of a hell than it already is?? She "senses" that I have been up to something, which is eerie as usual, due to the "I wish you could have another baby" comments and the shocker that I recieved when she sent me a HPT in the international mail during my last try THAT SHE KNEW NOTHING ABOUT(which customs went though here before I got it. Wouldn't you have just LOVED to see their faces when they rummaged through my bubble pak mail from MOM?? *evil grin*)heh heh. I don't know who was affected more by my miscarriage a few years back, me or Mama. I think we are neck and neck.
I know I've been uncharastically silent lately,but one of my kittys, Fred, died on Friday. (Relax Julie, It wasn't the carpet shredder, it was her little brother) He was only about 3 months old. I think he had a massive stroke, casue he was paralysed pretty much from the neck down could barely move one back foot when i was talking to him. Only his eyes could move and his head was thrown all the way back making his body this weird L-shape. When i went to give the gang breakfast, i noticed Fred wasn't in the plate, (he's usually first in!), looked for him, called him and called him (my cats are like dogs, they come when called 9times out of 10)and he was with baby Charlie(3 week old kitten) in the kitten bed like i described. He was dying. I wish I had the guts to put him out ofhis misery, but he died soon after I found him, I just tried to let him pass knowing that he was loved, by petting him and talking to him. Poor thing. I guess i found the answer to my "I wonder if presented with the problem of selected reduction, if I could do it?"...I really thought I could...obviously I couldn't. I dunno, maybe it would be different. I can't take a life.(which explains why my Monster-in-law is still breathing and I'm not in jail!)
Oh God, I'm droning on and on. You ladies keep me sane.
Deidre, CONGRATULATIONS on your wonderful news.*doing the primal dance of joy* I hope your numbers keep doubling appropriately and you have a virtually nausea-free, safe pregnancy.
Julie, you are the best grrrrl!!!!!!!!!!!! Love ya babycakes!
Cyn
PS: you should see my carmelized bananna upside down cake! YUM!
Wow...I had just stumbled across your blog, so this is my first time reading it. I really didn't know what I was reading until I got to the end, and then read the comments that were left for that entry. I feel that if I say I am sorry it may come off redundant and just insensitive like, since this is my first time here. I can't say I know how you feel personally, but I have close friends who are in the same shoes you are. My heart feels for you. I really just don't know what to say but that.
I'm sorry, my friend.