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03/06/2004

Search me

Periodically I go through the access logs so I can see how people are finding my site.  Most of the search terms make sense — most people who get here via search engines are looking for information on IVF, or pregnancy, or, strangely enough, Fallopian tequila

But these search terms make a little less sense to me.  Make of them what you will.

if i don't have my uterus can i get pregnant
I'd have to say that's unlikely.  But feel free to get a second opinion, since I'm not a doctor or anything.

how do you say miscarriage in vietnamese? 
You can use either sây thai or sanh non.  Let me say how sorry I am.  I wish you a swift and painless su lây lai, and I hope you are soon enjoying a carefree ride in your xe cô không dùng dê chay trên công lô*.

surprise vaginal ultrasound
I'm kind of at a loss here.  It's really not the kind of thing that sneaks up on you.  Surprise birthday party, sure.  (Dude, you totally should have been at my twenty-first.)  Surprise pregnancy, you bet, not that I'd know.  But surprise cold-plastic-dildo-with-a-camera-on-the-end-sheathed-in-a-condom- and-shoved-halfway-to-paradise?  Not so much.

pictures of Pocahontas when she was pregnant
Christ, you people are bent.

cat's breasts
Really bent.

pregnant cat ovaries
Really, really bent.

what's supposed to happen in first month of pregnancy
First you're supposed to tell everyone in the Western Hemisphere.  Go on, I'll wait while you do that.  Done?  Good.  Okay, now go buy some maternity clothes.  Look, you're not getting any slimmer, if you know what I mean.  Don't worry.  Everyone will know you're pregnant and not just fat.  Next paint the nursery.  No, wait, even better: pay someone to do it for you.  Don't want to overexert yourself — everybody knows you should be taking it easy.  While you're waiting for the paint to dry (in a clean room several miles away, isolated from any harmful fumes), pick out six names for each sex.  And for the love of God, don't spell it the way it sounds.  When that's done, you'll need an off-road stroller, three dozen outfits, several sets of bedding (and if it doesn't match your kid will grow up waaaaay retarded, so, you know, word to the wise), a car seat, a giant-ass teddy bear, and a big honkin' college fund.  Finished?  Whew.  Now.  Aren't you glad you took care of that?  Baby will be here before you know it!  Only 36 more weeks to go.

catheter clinic erotic
My friends, before you shudder at this, let me tell you that the relief I felt upon having my bladder emptied after embryo transfer was downright erotic. So I'm bent.  Really, really bent.

fertile crack ho puts out and infertile redneck bitch
Don't these two sound like a fun couple?

four testicles
Sorry, can't help you with that, but perhaps you'd enjoy a three headed-frog instead.

home induced miscarriage
Oh, God, please don't try that.

how to hang myself
Or that.

my aunt fucks my dog
I shared this winner with getupgrrl, whose disbelieving response was this: "His aunt does not fuck his dog.  No way his aunt fucks his dog.  No way.  Maybe he wishes she would (and that she'd let him watch), but I just can't believe she does it.  I mean, if you were an aunt, would you fuck your nephew's dog?  Of course not.  You'd get your own dog to fuck."

_____
* Off-road vehicle.

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