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03/03/2004
Shortest ART cycle ever
Tuesday afternoon
12:54:00 Detect first signs of menstrual blood.
12:54:02 Call clinic to schedule appointment for Wednesday morning.
Tuesday night
10:46-11:09 Parboil self in hot bath in an attempt to ease cramps.
11:09:16 Swallow two Tylenol 3s in an attempt to drug self into oblivion.
11:10-12:19 Toss and turn in bed, sleepless and hurting.
12:20-12:42 Complete boiling of self in a longer, more scalding bath.
12:43-01:17 Lie in bed and fantasize about menopause.
01:17:01 Mutter, "Fuck this," and swallow a handful of ibuprofen.
Sometime after 02:00 Fall asleep and dream of Turkish prison beatings.
Wednesday morning
07:30:00 Scrape self out of bed.
07:31-08:45 Shower, dress, drive to clinic in an exhausted fugue state.
08:45-09:11 Enjoy parade of cute couples arriving for their first injection class.
09:12-09:15 Give blood, swap clothing for drape, assume the position.
09:16 "Ooh, that's a showstopper there, that cyst on your right ovary."
09:16:02 Blink back tears, wonder exactly how big 19 mm is in real numbers.
09:22 Leave clinic, unlikely to return.
Posted by Julie at 10:57 AM in Notes from astride the stirrups | Permalink
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Comments (40)
Shit. Damn. Fuck.
Posted by: Lisa at Mar 3, 2004 11:26:01 AM
So sorry.
p.s. That's about 3/4"
Posted by: JJ at Mar 3, 2004 11:26:40 AM
Shit. I'm sorry.
Posted by: Kat at Mar 3, 2004 11:43:21 AM
9:01 AM - Tell smart, funny and beautiful Julie that she is not allowed to give up because she is strong but even if she does not go back that it's okay because we will still love her. Also tell Julie that I'm sorry and I wish I could do something to ease the unfairness of it all.
Posted by: Andreah at Mar 3, 2004 11:59:42 AM
That sucks. I'm sorry.
Posted by: Tracy at Mar 3, 2004 12:08:56 PM
Wait. I'm confused. Can't they aspirate the cyst? Or do they want to wait to see if it disappears by itself?
Anyway, you sound bummed. Oh, bubby, I feel terrible about this. So, so sorry.
Will your doctor call you later? Or was that him this morning?
Groan.
Chin up.
Joanne
Posted by: Joanne at Mar 3, 2004 12:29:14 PM
Nothing I can do from here except to say that I love you and that I am SO EFFING PISSED OFF.
Send word if you need floor cake.
Posted by: getupgrrl at Mar 3, 2004 12:38:43 PM
I've not posted before but have recently begun following your blog. So sorry about the cyst, that sucks.
19mm is about three quarters of an inch. I'm not sure if it is appropriate for me to offer my 2 cents, so tell me to take a flying leap if what I am about to do is wrong.
Did they determine if the cyst was functional? I am on my second follistim/cetrotide/IUI. At the start of this cycle I had 2 HUGE cysts, 26mm and 28mm. My b/w indicated they were not functional (ie not producing estrogen). On cd8, after 5 days of stims, one cyst was completely gone and the other had reduced to 14mm. By IUI both were completely gone.
Just my experience,FWIW. Hang in there.
Posted by: aleida at Mar 3, 2004 1:01:39 PM
Well GODDAMMIT!!! Fucking shit!!! I'm so sorry that this is happening. (((HUG)))
Posted by: gretchen at Mar 3, 2004 1:34:48 PM
I'm so sorry about that - I'm supposed to be starting IUI fairly soon and a cyst is the big fear. Like Tracy, I'm wondering - are they able to aspirate it? I'm guessing they didn't offer you that option, though...
Anyway, that stinks. Fie upon malfunctioning ovaries.
PS hope you don't mind my jumping in - I've been lurking here for about two months, but I just wanted to let you know that yet another person was thinking of you :).
Posted by: Sonetka at Mar 3, 2004 2:30:18 PM
blinking back tears with you
Posted by: Diana at Mar 3, 2004 2:49:29 PM
No. No no. NOOOOO.
Fuck. I'm so sorry.
Posted by: amalah at Mar 3, 2004 3:00:22 PM
Well HELL!
Shit fuck damn hell ass.
I'm so sorry. And angry. The two great tastes that taste great together.
Posted by: Jo at Mar 3, 2004 3:05:33 PM
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
FUCK!!!!
Posted by: OliviaDrab at Mar 3, 2004 3:56:57 PM
Curses!!! And double curses!!!(shakes fist angrily at sky)
Posted by: cheryl b. at Mar 3, 2004 3:57:36 PM
3:01pm Yet another fan adds her condolences and curses to the list.
Posted by: Christina at Mar 3, 2004 4:00:20 PM
What a fucknuggety piece of news! Hope the little fucker shrinks fast!
Posted by: Carrie Jo at Mar 3, 2004 4:18:14 PM
Fuckety fuck. I have nothing to add to the chorus except to say "shit" and to say I am sorry this happened. Fucking cranky ovaries.
Posted by: AmyinMotown at Mar 3, 2004 4:29:28 PM
Been there, done that, have the lap scars to prove it. I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. August - January I had cysts every month. And I'm not even on meds yet. Had lap on 1/23 -first cycle after my lap, on cd 32 (which was actually Sunday) felt another one coming on strong. I am also cursing and yelling for you, especially because I know the frustration of cysts all too well.
Oh, by the way, I'm Ashley and I've been following your blog for about a month now and you are one of my new best friends. Pretty freaky huh! Hang in there Julie.
Posted by: Ashley at Mar 3, 2004 4:34:18 PM
Oh Julie, I'm so sorry.
Posted by: Amy at Mar 3, 2004 4:55:55 PM
Zhoo-LEE,
I'm waiting to hear more about this news in the context of your next step, prognosis, etc., but in the meantime, my deepest-felt condolences that you got this nasty, throw-a-wrench-in-it, bucket-of-cold-water slap-in-the-face.
Son of a bitch. And I wouldn't dare say it's all for a reason, unless the reason is to torture nice ladies who deserve every happiness.
Posted by: mollie at Mar 3, 2004 5:01:43 PM
I'm so so so so sorry.
I'm not sure how much disappointment one person can take. It doesn't make you stronger; it makes you into a more paranoid, cynical, anything-that-can-go-wrong-will kind of a person.
You should have gotten pregnant your first cycle and said annoyingly: "I didn't know it was going to be so easy..."
This is truly barbaric , this whole thing, I mean. Think of it, you'll walk around in a cloud for weeks due to a stupid grape-sized cyst. It shouldn't be this way... It really shouldn't...
I'm so sorry.
Posted by: maria_ob at Mar 3, 2004 5:20:51 PM
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I too had to rear my ugly head from lurkdom to offer you strength. Your blog has given me a lot of strength as I may begin to embark on the ART journey soon. You are an incredible woman. This setback probably has you a little shaky, but your spirit won't be broken. Take good care of yourself.
Posted by: Robin at Mar 3, 2004 5:57:55 PM
Julie,
Where did I put that magic wand of mine??.....
Just as soon as I find it that cyst is history.
This news knocked the wind outta me, so cannot imagine how you are feeling. I know you "get up" just as bravely as that other wonder woman "getupgrrl"...you are in my thoughts & hope this hell trip is nearly over for you.
Posted by: Simone at Mar 3, 2004 7:26:27 PM
dammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammit!!!!!!!!!
i am so very sorry.
if we all throw a collective temper tantrum, do you think God will sigh heavily and just drop a baby gently into your house to shut us all up? i'm willing to try, just say when.
Posted by: jc at Mar 3, 2004 7:46:59 PM
jc, isn't that what we've been doing? Maybe we're not loud enough. Although, my sister as a baby and my dog have figured out that if you're persistent enough in the pestering, eventually they will give in. Maybe we haven't been pestering him/her long enough.
Posted by: Carrie Jo at Mar 3, 2004 7:53:52 PM
Poo. It's all poo.
Posted by: Tara at Mar 3, 2004 8:21:29 PM
Blinking back tears along with you. I'm so very sorry you're going through this.
Posted by: Monica at Mar 3, 2004 8:27:25 PM
Shit. That is awful. I hope it goes away VERY fucking fast. {{hug}}
Posted by: Adina at Mar 3, 2004 8:30:26 PM
I think we have all been there with the cysts- the fertility meds definitely don't help with this in my opinion- and of course I agree with the functional vs. non-functional argument.
I can't wait until you go to Cornell. I hope you do. I think it will be a very different experience. When they found a cyst I was pathetically psyched to get a little time off. That is how bad my sweet kind personalized clinic was torturing me.
Posted by: tia at Mar 3, 2004 9:10:19 PM
I can only join the general chorus of profanity. This is a fucking sorry-ass week for everyone. Stupid March.
Posted by: jen at Mar 3, 2004 10:22:37 PM
hmmm, good point Carrie Jo. if the tantrums aren't working, should we try that sustained, nasal, high pitched nails-on-a-blackboard whine? He/She/They (whatever your beliefs may be) can't ignore that for very long. GGIIIIIIIVVVVEEEEE ZHUUUUUUUUUULIIIIIEEEEE A BAAAAAAAAAEEBBBBBBYYYYYYY NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Posted by: jc at Mar 3, 2004 10:28:44 PM
that sucks. I hate when you don't even get to go to begin. After all that psyching yourself up. In fact I just hate that we have to do this at all.
So sorry.
Posted by: Tertia at Mar 4, 2004 5:44:55 AM
I'm just so damn sorry to hear this.
Posted by: maria at Mar 4, 2004 8:07:06 AM
I'm out. I keep scraping my mind for some scrap of advice (knowing that that's not what you need) and I come up utterly fucking empty-handed. Perhaps sticking you head in the sand, a la ostrich for the next few months? Oh wait, that's what I would do...
Posted by: Julia at Mar 4, 2004 9:08:23 AM
Dammit to hell. I'm so sorry.
Posted by: kelly at Mar 4, 2004 9:16:22 AM
I'm just sitting here thinking how totally crappy all this sounds. I'm a bit stupid in the infertility department- I'm from the "habitual aborter" crowd. We don't need to go down the road of who suffers more....but I think it's you. Even just to go in for my D&C's and blood tests I start to feel like a lab rat- and the whole anticipation thing....fucking stress overload. Sounds like your treatments just put you through the wringer- physically, emotionally...
oh, dear....this is not going to cheer you...
Hey- I'm thinkin' about you. Wish I could do more.
Posted by: Kristine at Mar 4, 2004 12:16:37 PM
Thanks, y'all. Yesterday I wasn't doing so well. Today is better, and I'll tell you why in another entry. The bottom line is that no one has died, it didn't cost me any money, and I'm still well on course for May's IVF cycle. Things don't look so bad at the moment.
Posted by: Julie at Mar 4, 2004 12:32:25 PM
Julie:
Just wanted to let you know we were "cyst-ers" That's right, I went for my baseline ultrasound this morning and had a 4 cm cyst on my left ovary. so not only did my big single dominant left follicle cause me to cancel last cycle (only have right tube), it caused this cycle to be delayed.
Feels like we are living in parallel universes only you are funnier than me. This is kind of sick, but since i was following your blog, i added your cycle to the speadsheet that i use to track mine. the purpose was to compare how you respond to stimulation with how i do (which so far has been abysmall). Turns out, our cycles were exactly the same. go figure.
Btw, my doctor is putting me on Aygestin to get rid of the cyst and start my cycle over. Supposedly, I can expect to start the cycle over in just a little over a couple of weeks. How come your doctor did not do that? My inner cynic suspects that maybe my doctor(harvard grad that he is) doesn't know what the fuck he's doing.
Posted by: Jalaine at Mar 8, 2004 8:46:08 PM
Sorry to here all this is going on- I just got back from my appt. which I have been waiting for so long. Finally I was going to start Cycling and wouldnt you know it. Everything is on hold because I have a cyst.... aughhhhh they gave me some medications and I have to wait 2 weeks to see if the damn thing goes away. So Ill!!!!!
Posted by: Veronica at Dec 21, 2005 1:28:23 PM
