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04/26/2004
Calendars are for squares
Tonight I told my mom that next week I'd be in New York. "When are you going?" Well, I don't know. "When will you be back?" Don't know that, either. In telling her, it suddenly hit me: for the rest of this cycle, no date is certain.
I took my last birth control pill this morning. Everything that happens from now on depends upon the caprice of my body rather than on the tidy, predictable squares of the calendar.
When will my period start? Could be two days. Could be three. I must gird my loins, grit my teeth, and wait for bleeding to start.
When will I start the injectables? Should be a few days after my period, but could be delayed if I'm not sufficiently suppressed.
When will I have retrieval, if I make it that far? In the past I've been on meds for 11 to 12 days. This time, we're triggering earlier, so I don't know what to count on.
When will transfer be? Will there even be a transfer?
If I don't get pregnant, will I make it to my scheduled beta date before my period arrives?
If I do get pregnant, will the embryo develop according to desired milestones? Will we see what we need to, when?
And so on.
My hotel reservations are in flux. I've made no social plans there or here. I can't even buy a plane ticket because I don't know when I'll need to show up for monitoring.
Anyone want to buy a PDA, cheap? I'm pretty sure I won't be needing it.
Comments (13)
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You've probably heard this a million times before--but you are a brilliant writer. You've put into words exactly how I am feeling these days... absolutely brilliant. Expectations of what to do when and what might happen go flying out the window with this whole thing. Nobody outside this experience truly understands... I am expected to plan and prepare... make sure those around me are aware of my schedule so they can cover for me. And then it all goes tits up and what I thought would happen at a certain time doesn't--and I feel compelled to have to apologize(!)--all I can do is sit back and wait for Mother Nature to take her sweet time and do what she wants when she is ready, if at all. Oh yeah... and I'm not supposed to stress or that might jeopardize my treatment too.
When does the rollercoaster stop?
Pretty much word for word exacly what i'm thinking today.. right down to the last BCP this morning.
There is so much loss in infertility. The hardest to deal with at times like these is the loss of control over the basic progression of your own week. Forget week! Tomorrow. You plan, and plan, and make contingency plans best illustrated in complicated tree diagrams. Hmm. An Infertility Planner. Tree diagram format. Think there is a market for it?
On another note, I went to the AIA conference in NYC on sunday. After the sessions and speakers, I could not be more confident in my choice to use Cornell.
Good Luck!
I'm a planner. This whole "go with the flow" (very, very literally at times!) is highly annoying. And it's hard to be so stinkin' flexible and relaxed when so much is at stake.
Well.........I'm glad I could reinforce your annoyance. You can count on me, anytime!
Julie, I don't have a single brilliant thing to say. Just that I'm thinking about you and wishing the best for you. I won't tell you not to worry, because the worry will not end... :) Once you have your successful retrieval, a bunch of great embryos, successful implantation, fabulous betas, a picture-perfect fetus, a completely painless (okay, I'm going overboard here) labor and delivery...you'll breathe a sigh of relief for maybe 5 seconds before finding new things to worry about. Julie, you're already a mom, because you've got the worrying down pat. You are on your way. :) Lots of love and good wishes to you.
The worst fight my husband and I have ever had came a week ago, as I was trying to explain the dates for our out of town cycle (anal as I am, I wrote down everything in flow chart fashion). And despite all my explaining, he was still whining about needing to know exactly how much work he would miss. At which point I burst into tears and told him to forget the whole thing.
Yeah, it sucks. And I'm not even taking Lupron. On the upside, your capricious schedule could let you take advantage of last minute tickets for "The Producers".
I send you a huge hug. Don't know what else to say. I know there are no words to make the ride any easier. Hope that you have paid all of the "negative" dues and that this one goes off without a hitch.
S.
I understand the "what are we doing and when"....I have been trying to start a cycle with my GS since March. Many delays. We were finally ready so I planned to start stims on 4/10 and made plans to be off work and go to CA on 4/15 or 16. But......nope. Bumped a week. No problen. Rescheduled everything. (And had to be in LA one of those weekends so whether it was the first weekend we were in in San Diego or the 2nd didn't matter, as long as we didn't have to make ANOTHER trip).
So now ready to start stims on 4/17 and head out to CA on 4/22......traded calls, got time off. etc...
But.......no AGAIN....
Now get to fly to LA on 4/23 and back on 4/25 and start stims in LA and go back to San Diego on 4/29. Nice. (we live in TX)
Not to mention the hassle of work. And call schedule etc.
Plane tickets? Ha! Just used Southwest Freq flyer to book my flight for day after tomorrow, assuming I really go. (First u/s is tomorrow and could always have a leading follicle and cancel the whole damn thing).
Paid for a rental car in advance. Nonrefundable. oops. Maybe should have waited?
Hotel? Nah. Haven't booked it yet.
I am thinking since I am using a GS I might as well use an ED also and then I can just forget about the whole thing till there really is a transfer!
Well, that about covers my whining about the unpredictability of the whole fucking thing.
Laura
Julie - just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you and hope this cycle makes its way to a fantastic result. The whole day-to-day thing is a weird ride, to say the least. The main thing it does to me is make me terribly unproductive; all I can think about is what today's blood test will say and when I'll have to come in next, so bang goes any freelance work I could be trying to do. Just try to find something fun and highly non-productive to do with those extra hours...
I have been thinking about you constantly - surely the collective thoughts of hundreds of women pulling for you must count for something?
Or not - but whatever, it's not gonna stop us!
And I meant what I said - if you need a comfy homestyle place on the upper west side, drop me an email - my mom will welcome you with open arms, a room of your own, and a shut mouth :))!
xoxo...
I know one thing you will be doing in NYC, if you're up to it.
You will be meeting me for bedcake, for restaurant cake if you want, for a movie or shopping or anything you would like. And I won't need to know the date until right then, because I will drop *everything* and come see you.
And if you'd like, you can come spend a glorious day in one of the many malls that surround my town, complete with California Pizza Kitchens (mmmmmmmmm) and high end department stores where you can smear 250$ creme de la mer all over yourself and they can't do a damn thing.
Ok, I am really hoping that this nameless date is when you travel home with your newly implanted Zou-lee-baby(ies). A little future blindness is ok if there's a big payoff.
I am thinking about you!
Karen, your my kinda woman! Schmear $250 creme de la mer tester all over yourself.....sounds like something I'd do....ok, sounds like something I've DONE!!!
Liz, you and your mom sound like angels.See Julie, there are such things as Guardian Angels.... you have your own GANG of them.*polishes halo* US!
Personally, Im thinking that maybe what your uterus/embryos/ettc needs, besides the wonderful medical staff at Cornell mind you, is equal,liberal doses of NY Pizza and NY Cheescake. What the hell, it can't hurt!
Seeing as how AF is due to arrive anyday now for you, and we've all been discussing medical research lately, I thought you'd (and all my pals on here)appreciate this email I recieved today....*seriously evil grin*
A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is atracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
If she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer a man doused in gasoiline and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple and a
cricket stump jammed up his ass...
Further studies are expected.......