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04/16/2004
The women's movement was something that happened to other people
A year ago tonight I was lying on the floor.
(A brief word of advice. If you are ever offered the chance to have an ectopic pregnancy, no matter how intriguing, how glamourous, how downright kicky it sounds, don't do it.)
Reading over my old entries, I am appalled to be reminded that I was lying on the bathmat in a puddle of my own gore, sure I was dying, and I let my husband sleep through the whole goddamned thing.
Not only did I let him sleep, I threw the sullied bathmat into the washing machine and swabbed up the carnage as best I could (hands and knees, damp towel, pink streaks, but I tried, I tried) so that he wouldn't be horrified when he went in to shower.
Not only did I clean up, I waited to turn on the washer until he'd finished his shower so that his manly hide wouldn't be scalded by an untimely surge of hot water.
When my doctor called, responding to the page we'd sent, I swore at him, made wretched by inadequate pain relief — and then apologized.
While awaiting my imminent demise I'm tidying up. While politely knocking on death's door, trying not to bleed too much on its welcome mat, I'm thinking of others. While in the grips of the worst physical agony of my life, I'm embarrassed by goddamn it.
That there is some fucked-up shit. Some fucked-up, April-fresh, whites-their-whitest shit.
Posted by Julie at 12:11 AM in I've learned a lot...but I'm not sure it's worth it. | Permalink
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» This is Gross, but so What? from Deviant Woman
Julie’s post today really moved me. It reminded me that I left out a huge portion of my own miscarriage experience. I guess I thought it was too gross or too embarrassing. But her post and the comments others have [Read More]
Tracked on Apr 16, 2004 12:55:08 PM
» My Invisible Miscarriage from Tagebuch
I have a child, my oldest son. While I was carrying him, I secretly wished that he would be a girl, because there are no boys in my family and I was afraid I wouldn't know what to do with him. But now that he's here, I wouldn't trade him for a thousa... [Read More]
Tracked on Apr 25, 2004 6:31:31 PM
Comments (32)
They told us at a suicide prevention workshop that one of the big reasons women choose pills over knives, guns, etc. is that they don't want to leave a mess. Men, however, don't think of that at all.
I have a question for you: Your husband sounds like a wonderful man, but what would he have done if he had seen you lying in a puddle of your own gore? Would he have been able to keep himself together enough to say "there there" and clean it up or would he have been screaming at a 911 operator that his wife was bleeding to death?
Were you doing it out of courtesy or was it a subconscious fear that in your worst moment, you would have to not only clean up, but calm him down as well? And as for apologising to the RE, that was just thinking ahead. You don't piss off the man with the prescription pad.
I hope that you never have to go through something awful like that again. I hope that if you even so much as stub your toe you let out a big "give me sympathy NOW" wail.
Posted by: jc at Apr 16, 2004 1:13:36 AM
Oh, now I am worried that I was a bit too harsh. I did not mean to suggest that men are helpless. I only meant to suggest that people (regardless of gender) may panic at the sight of a loved one covered in blood.
Posted by: jc at Apr 16, 2004 1:22:18 AM
I'm sorry. I'm a hundred million trillion times sorry that you had to go through such a traumatic experience.
You know the general rule of thumb not to schedule GYN appointments while we're on our periods? Well, as I was having my second miscarriage, I went in to my OBGYN to confirm that things were, in fact, over. Before she examined me, I said, "I just want to let you know that there's a lot of blood." (DUH!!) I can't remember if I then apologized for the mess, but I might have. I then wanted to slap myself for apologizing. What is it that makes us apologize for the physical reality of horrible events that we didn't even cause or ask for in the first place? *sigh*
Again, I'm so sorry. I know how hard the anniversaries can be. :-(
Claire
P.S. Thanks to all who left me a welcome post. That was nice of you!
Posted by: Claire at Apr 16, 2004 1:40:05 AM
When I had my exam with my regular ob-gyn following my miscarriage I apologised when she said I had some tissue hanging out of my cervix that she had to pull out. I really like her because her boobs are as big as my head and that somehow comforts me while she digs around my hoo-ha.
Posted by: cheryl b. at Apr 16, 2004 8:37:53 AM
Lat night, after hearing that I have used up my time on Clomid (150mg for about eight months)and am on to injectibles, I saw a stain on the sheet. Upon further inspection, I realized that I wasn't as carful as I thought I was last month not to bleed on the sheets (yes, they had been washed, but the blood went unnoticed). I even slept on the floor one night on a bunch of beach towels so I didn't get blood on the sheets. Nothing like a good ol' ectopic to really drag out a miscarriage.
Thank you, Julie, for making all of us feel we're not alone in this.
Posted by: Francene at Apr 16, 2004 9:00:27 AM
Oh my God Julie. You are some kind of magician - I swear. You write so beautifully and EXACTLY about what it is like to go through this.
Today is my beta and yesterday I was wondering if I should take an hpt, not to see if it's positive (the outlook is dismal), but so I'd be prepared and cry IN ADVANCE and not upset my wonderfully empathetic IVF nurse when she called me with the bad news.
When I read your post I knocked it off. I'm going to bawl in her ear as much as I friggin' want.
Posted by: Menita at Apr 16, 2004 9:37:55 AM
Julie, I think we need to name that person who takes over during life threatening emergencies. She showed up at my place when I was hemmorhaging. We had a house-full-o-guests, as it was Thanksgiving. She had me do things like politely walk down the hall, towel held in my crotch to staunch the bloodflow, knock on my mother's bedroom door and say, "Um, I'm sorry for waking you up, but I think I'm hemmorhaging." She then proceeded to calmly hand down orders about who to call, what there number was, and oh - don't forget the red bathroom towels for the ride to the hospital, just in case the mess gets too big.
I am so, so sorry for this anniversary of yours. It blows in a horrible, shitty way.
Posted by: Julia at Apr 16, 2004 9:58:49 AM
Oh, Julie. That really fucking sucks.
During my own ectopic, a time when I got just an eensy bit closer to death than I might have preferred, I apologized to the on-call physician I'd called at 2 a.m., even after she told me brightly, "Oh, that horrible pain that feels like your pelvic cavity is filling with blood is probably just a miscarriage. Take a Tylenol!"
If I ever find out who that was, I'm mailing my every used Kotex to her office address.
Yours in apologetic-no-more solidarity,
Jo
Posted by: Jo at Apr 16, 2004 10:17:23 AM
Oh, Julie. This post made me cry.
It seems like this urge to protect others is the flip side of the nasty need for women to be cheerful all the time. Instead of some cruel, insensitive stranger posting vile things on a blog, or an ignorant relative telling you to cheer up because "at least you can get pregnant," the social conditioning to Be A Good Girl makes you ignore yourself to spare others any discomfort.
I don't know what the answer is. Because we can't just get getupgrrl to write a screed telling our social conditioning to fuck off.
Posted by: Moxie at Apr 16, 2004 11:52:16 AM
When I woke up bleeding heavily at 17w pregnant, knowing that this time must be the end of my difficult pregnancy (it was), I first waited until the reasonable hour of 9am to page the doctor. Wouldn't want to have to wake my husband up too early, knowing that there's absolutely nothing that can be done for a 17w pregnancy! Then, once I did call, while waiting for my call to be returned I made waffles for my husband. Homemade waffles. Real maple syrup. Served them to him in bed. Then went to the hospital to get the confirmation that my baby was dead. What the fuck is wrong with us?
Julie, your insight always amazes me... but it still fucking sucks that you've had to go through all these awful experiences that you have such insight into. You're on my list of people to send positive baby ju-ju to....
Posted by: Summer at Apr 16, 2004 11:52:36 AM
Waffles. Homemade waffles. Amazing.
Posted by: Julie at Apr 16, 2004 1:17:02 PM
Sorry, pumpkin.
I can relate.
And [insert what Moxie wrote in its entirety.]
Posted by: Julia S at Apr 16, 2004 2:11:58 PM
I blew up a camping stove on an Outward Bound trip when I was a teenager. Caught on fire and burned my face up pretty good. Once I was extinguished, iced (lucky for me there was unseasonal snow), and given some Tylenol 3 by the guide, he took me aside and said, "you've upset the rest of the kids quite a bit. I think we should have a meeting and you should talk to them." So we had this encounter session, where I invited these other 17-year-olds to talk about how traumatized they were by seeing me run around on fire, while I comforted them and affirmed them and said how sorry I was. Then I hiked to base camp with my pack on my back the next morning, careful not to complain about ANYTHING, lest I be a burden. When I got to the hospital finally, the nurse gave me some Valium and then said, in an exasperated tone, "why the hell weren't you brought here immediately after the accident by airlift??" Then I felt responsible for not being clear enough about how hurt I was back up on the mountain.
Cleaning the floors, making waffles, giving counseling and comfort to the poor souls that have to witness our suffering....
Ah, women. Gotta love 'em.
Posted by: Mollie at Apr 16, 2004 2:21:47 PM
Well, I can't top the waffles. That sounds really awful, Summer, and I'm sorry. I will say that when I was miscarrying, I woke up bloody down to my ankles and all over the bed. I took a shower before I went to the ER. I guess I didn't want to show up at the ER looking all bloody and needy. Cause you know, they don't see that kind of thing there very often, and I didn't want to upset them. Sigh.
Posted by: cherylc at Apr 16, 2004 2:26:09 PM
Damn, you are a fucking amazing group of women! I'm sitting here crying for you all and at the same time feeling like a huge wuss.
I don't make homemade waffles for my husband on a GOOD day.
Julie, I absolutely love your blog. You don't know how many times you've made me laugh, cry and scream out loud, and at the same time, feel so NOT alone. I've added your link on mine. I hope you don't mind.
Posted by: Danae at Apr 16, 2004 3:06:13 PM
2 years ago my aunt died suddenly of a heart attack. We had guests at the house because there had been a wedding the night before. When my cousin called my mom to tell her that her sister had died, she went into the closet and wept so as not to wake up the guests. Then she washed her face , prepared breakfast and was the ever gracious hostess. It wasn't until I showed up, knowing what had happened that she callapsed to the floor crying. I don't know. I see it as a sign of strength... as if she felt she had to be strong for everyone else. I admire this quality in women. I don't think we should change.
Posted by: maria_ob at Apr 16, 2004 3:54:34 PM
I am just so damned sorry you had to experience that. All of you.
Posted by: AmyinMotown at Apr 16, 2004 4:16:51 PM
Wow. And I thought I was being considerate sleeping on the floor so my husband wouldn't be awakened to find himself laying in blood. That was nothing. Waffles. Fucking waffles?
Posted by: Francene at Apr 16, 2004 4:34:08 PM
Waffles are sooooo tasty. I started miscarrying at Xavier's (2nd) birthday party and waited for all of the guests to leave before we went to the hospital.
Posted by: cheryl b. at Apr 16, 2004 6:51:26 PM
Aaarrrrgggghhhh. I want us all to move into a commune together so we can just get right the fuck over ourselves. If any one of you tried to make me waffles with a massive hemmorage going on, I'd have knocked you over the head with the syrup dispenser, rolled you into a rug, and driven you to the ER myself.
Having said that, let me confess that I am no better. While my newborn was on life-support in the NICU, I came home from the hospital early one evening because it was my birthday, and my husband, my 2-year old, and my MIL, FIL, two BILs and a nephew (who were STAYING WITH US for ten days--they had come to meet the new baby, but unfortunately I was rushing him to the ER while their plane was landing and they didn't get to see him right away) wanted to celebrate with dinner and a cake.
They sang to me and gave me presents. I even spent some time reassuring my MIL that I really did like the dress she picked out for me and that I would not need to return it for something more "me."
Later, she asked my husband if I had had unpleasant experiences with birthdays in the past, because I didn't really seem to enjoy them.
Posted by: Mindy at Apr 16, 2004 8:44:53 PM
omg Mindy... Is your MIL named Kay or what?
I definately think we woman have some type of conditioning. Maybe it's the mother in us, trying to protect people.
My last miscarriage occurred while I was on vacation. We were heading home the next day and I did not want to cause a fuss for everyone who had taken the time to come meet with us and so forth. My husband was aware of what was going on, but he also did not want to ruin everyone elses vacation. So we stayed quiet, changing pads about every hour until we arrived home. We drove straight to the hospital from the airport.
Still worried about my friends, I waited several weeks to call and tell them I miscarried so that they would not tie it into the vacation.
Posted by: Monique at Apr 16, 2004 9:24:09 PM
It is freakish to read all of these experiences and know that we seem to share some cosmic dysfunction. After my most recent failed cycle, I went in today to get checked for cysts due to Clomid. So this is all very nice and timely for me.
Of course, the office says the cyst check must be done during the first 3 days of your period, so in I go....waiting until the last possible second to take out the tampon (trying to "clean things up" as much as possible for the nurse).
And NO I could not resist apologizing for the blood although I didn't call it blood, I just said "sorry for the...well it's my...um...menstruation". Good fucking god, am I pretending to be a health teacher or a prude???
Thankfully no husband in the picture to protect - one of the few benefits to becoming a single mom.
Posted by: Mia at Apr 17, 2004 2:28:05 AM
Yeah, we all--even those of us who wear our BITCH badges with pride--share this 'nice-nice' disease it seems.
Julie, I'm sorry about your anniversary, and wish you peace. xox
Posted by: jilbur at Apr 17, 2004 6:49:41 AM
I woke my ex up when I was laying on the bathroom floor. The response was "You have to stop this. I can't handle it!" Ex went to work. I had to call a friend to take me for an emergency D&C. A year later, I discovered that the physical pain of miscarriage-gone-bad is worse than the pain of childbirth. Ex was at work that day too. I'm now the Mom to a fantastic four year old, and ex is, well, ex.
Posted by: Lin at Apr 17, 2004 8:14:07 AM
I feel I should clarify a few things about my waffle comment, before anyone thinks that I am a superwoman and/or completely crazy. I wasn't hemorraging that morning, it was more like a "shit, that just totally ruined my new white Guess jeans" amount of blood. Way more blood than you want to see when you're pregnant, enough to convince me that there was nothing anyone could do to save the baby, but not enough to make me think I was in danger of my life. Also, the waffles weren't totally from scratch, but were made with the very tasty Krusteaz Belgian waffle mix, but that still counts as homemade in my book. Finally, should anyone else find themselves in a similar situation, I recommend a heartier breakfast than waffles. I had to stay in the hospital for a 3-day induced labor, and they didn't let me eat. A trip to the Big Boy all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet would have better prepared me, but we always have to learn things the hard way, don't we?
Posted by: Summer at Apr 17, 2004 9:19:26 AM
Summer, do you realize you're apologizing and making light of your horrible experience right here in blogland?
Cut it out! You have earned superwoman status!
Posted by: Danae at Apr 17, 2004 10:20:30 AM
I, for one, am hugely relieved to know that Summer did not whip and then fold in any egg whites.
Honestly, I woke up thinking about that today.
And yes, I do think a mix counts as homemade. Anything that requires a pan, griddle, or waffle iron instead of a toaster is homemade.
Posted by: Mollie at Apr 17, 2004 12:47:37 PM
Duh. If it involves more that pushing the little handle down on the toaster, you're Julia fucking Child.
Posted by: Mindy at Apr 17, 2004 1:19:13 PM
Well. Sounds like my miscarriage. I echo all you ladies various comments above, because some part of each really hit home for me. I too have done the bloody mess clean up so hubby wouldn't freak out.dizzy and fainting. then, as soon as it was clean, it would pour down my legs again onto the floor. (I didn't know I was pregnant, thought it was just another one of my horrid heavy 1-2 month periods)(Yes, I convientely forgot the clomid I had choked down in massive doses (250mg per day) 2 months earlier, I was slightly sidetracked by having severe laryngits (no voice for 2 months, pnumonia(sp?)(misdiagnosed as bronchitis for 3 months) AND contagious mono ALL AT ONCE! During all this I was WORKING!every day haemorraging. Somehow. I still don't know how. Why do we try to hide all this? I had to have transfusions before they could do the D&C. A nightmare I dont' want to revisit and something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I feel for you Julie.
Summer, you just HAD to say WAFFLES, didn't ya? OH GAWD. I had JUST finished getting my craving for waffles under control that I'd been wrestling with for about 2 months now, and then....... bless you. When I gorge on them till I'm sick, I'll blame you! Ahhhhhhh waffles!!!! Love me some waffles!
Posted by: Cyn at Apr 18, 2004 7:14:33 AM
Okay, my story is not nearly as dramatic, but still pathetically downtrodden. After my first HSG, hubby and I had sex (not that day, must have been the next day) and afterwards I noticed some dye was leaking out. I quickly told him that the Dr had assured me the dye would not harm him. He laughed and was like, they squirted this stuff *inside* you, and you're worried that I'll freak out because it's on the end of Mr Happy? Gotta love that guy.
Posted by: Tracy at Apr 19, 2004 10:51:48 AM
I am going to say something here, from a little different perspective. Seems to me (a single 30 year old woman, so really I cannot share that experience) from what I am reading maybe none of you did what you did because you felt the need to please, but take the time to get yourself together. From the tone and subject matter, all of you seem to be strong, intelligent women who have a lot of control of yourself and your lifes. (Something I aspire to). And this is one thing that is extremly difficult and completly uncontrollerble.
Maybe you did those things, such as cook and clean up because it made it seem life was "normal" in the fact of such adversity and sadness.
That you still had control. I just can't see any of you wanting to be a real "mess" of tears, blood, and rage in front of others especially strangers. Maybe it's a mark of strength, and ability to deal with things on your own, and wanting to continue to present a together image, that made you behave this way. I find it remarkable.
Yan
Posted by: Glutterbug at Apr 20, 2004 10:41:27 PM
Brilliant post, Yan. I agree, I think we have a need to be strong and collected at times when our world is falling apart around us. This is a good thing.
But we all need to make sure we're taking our health into consideration before we think of others first!! :)
Posted by: Suzanne at Apr 21, 2004 8:58:48 AM
