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05/26/2004
Do we have to discuss it again?
Infertility itself is bad enough. What's almost worse is the torture of revisiting the same issues over and over and over. It's like Groundhog Day, if it were set in Hell, directed by David Cronenberg, projected through a blurry lens.
Focus. FOCUS!
Fertile people don't have to do this. They may have some initial disagreement over when to have kids, or even whether to do so at all, but once those decisions are made, they're made. They make sweet love, then pee on a stick, et voilà! Issue resolved, for better or worse, once and for fucking all.
That's a luxury we're denied. Instead we get punished with talk. After every setback, infertile people have to reassess. Every failure requires another conversation, another decision, yet another fucking drama. Do we want to try again? Do we change the protocol, change clinics? With every new difficulty that presents itself, we have to discuss, to process, to reaffirm. That might be okay if we faced different questions. But it's always and ever the same, and it always boils down to this: Do we really want children enough?
How far are we willing to go?
I would like to face a negative with nothing to discuss, to have had a cycle so promising that it's only a matter of time, to want to change nothing, to feel all is settled. To know we're on the right track at last. To deal only with the disappointment of failure instead of getting sidetracked by the same...thousand...questions we answer every time.
Posted by Julie at 03:28 PM in I've learned a lot...but I'm not sure it's worth it. | Permalink
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Comments (26)
Hey, aren't you supposed to be in a coma?
Please do come to lovely Victoria and wait on me hand and foot. Especially foot. I'll send your plane fare. My weeping and wailing is sure to drown yours out anyday. I've had professional vocal training.
All kidding aside, I am of course writhing in my seat in pain for you, wishing it was all cut and dried and black and white and jump in and swim. I wish for you an outcome with nothing to discuss. But at least Paul has the capacity to discuss. Not that you need to reaffirm that after every damned cycle, but...
Posted by: mollie at May 26, 2004 3:39:20 PM
Amen, sister.
Posted by: Lisa at May 26, 2004 4:24:04 PM
You are so right. If we unexpectedly found ourselves pregnant, we would take a deep breath and figure out how to cope. But with infertility, you have to keep assessing and re-assessing. Do I REALLY want children? Do I REALLY want a baby? Do I REALLY want a bio baby?
Over and over and over. It's infuriating.
Posted by: Kendra at May 26, 2004 6:11:32 PM
I don't know what to say except I am listening to you.
Posted by: Andreah at May 26, 2004 6:26:27 PM
I just came across your site, and just wanted to say that it's really great. I intern with an adoption attorney, so I am constantly meeting people who have had it up to here with infertility. It's interesting to hear from the perspective of somebody going through infertility. Good luck!!
Posted by: Rachael at May 26, 2004 6:47:10 PM
Oh yes. The Questioning. It's like the effing Spanish Inquisition over here. Do we or don't we? Will we or won't we? Wow, wait a minute, I just want to get pregnant, you mean after I do, there will be a BABY????
I think I prefer the Eddie Izzard "Cake or Death" version, myself.
I'll have cake.
Posted by: Liz at May 26, 2004 6:53:24 PM
I think it is a travesty that there exists this sort of discussion. It shouldn't be that you must evaluate and re-evaluate your reproductive future beyond "To have or not to have children."
I would love that the truth was that wanting something long enough and hard enough would make it yours, but sadly that isn't always the case. Maybe when you have a team of many wanting the same thing for you, it will tip the scale in your favor.
Hang in there Dear Zhou-lee. You still aren't to the beta zone yet. I am still holding out gobs of hope.
Posted by: OliviaDrab at May 26, 2004 7:05:55 PM
Oh Julie,
I feel with you. It seems to me the hormones are speaking. Well, for a bit anyway. Of course you’re afraid, but you might still have a baby now. And I hope you do.
I want to tell you to be positive and not to give up hope, but I know it all too well.
After our second ivf I gave up hope for a while, I needed a break, only to get pregnant within three months, just like that. We lost the baby and another one after that, so I’m not “living happily ever after” but it gave me some hope. It might happen yet... (I only wish I wasn’t 43 years old, being in- or at least less- fertile takes its time)
Maybe to give it a rest for a little while has unexpected results (like a pregnancy the medics predicted impossible). The strain of all the ivf’s that don’t work can get too much. I can only wish you good luck and hope for this cycle still might work.
Your last postings seem so desperate, I wish I could help you, but as you see, I can’t even help myself. Still I will think some positive energy in your direction, who knows, it might do some good. You deserve it.
Posted by: Monique at May 26, 2004 7:27:43 PM
Julie - I have been lurking for a while, but I am sure there are other lurkers out here who feel the same way I do so wanted to let you know. I am thinking of you and hoping for the absolute best for you. I am constantly amazed by your strength and power and I know you will be a truly excellent mother. I so hope that this is the one for you.
Posted by: Beth at May 26, 2004 8:15:21 PM
Whatever happens do not give up. Everyone of us wants you to have a happy ever after. My Sister-in-law had IVF treatment and after many unsuccessful attempts got pregnant and had twins. Then to the doctors amazement 3 years later she just got pregnant without humiliation, something the doctors said would never happen.
Posted by: laura at May 26, 2004 9:51:48 PM
Whatever happens do not give up. Everyone of us wants you to have a happy ever after. My Sister-in-law had IVF treatment and after many unsuccessful attempts got pregnant and had twins. Then to the doctors amazement 3 years later she just got pregnant without humiliation, something the doctors said would never happen.
Miracles do happen and why God DAMMITT can it not be you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: laura at May 26, 2004 9:52:43 PM
Yes. Yes. Yes. The conversation that can be both silent and verbal-- it is always there.
Posted by: Marla at May 26, 2004 9:58:13 PM
I know. Its all so fucking boring and a waste of fucking energy. Should I do this, should I do that. Whats the point of asking the questions any way? Its all crystal ball gazing. Might as well try and guess the fucking lottery numbers.
I am soooo sick and tired of all the questions. And I am sick and tired of being asked questions. No, I don't know what it all means. I am begining to understand why my dr shrugs his shoulders when I ask him things. Because you know what, there are no fucking answers.
Sorry for hogging your thread. I'm just pissed off, for all of us.
And I know you don't want to hear this, but I still have hope for you. In my fucked up logic, there has to be someone that is pg. Its not me, its not a few of the others. So why not you? It has to be someone. But don't worry about all that, you just wallow, I'll privately hold out some hope.
Oh, and you MUST have a plan. Dear god you can't not have a plan, you'll go crazy. Find a plan, now.
Fuck fuck fuck. Why is this all so fucking difficult? What happened to having a shag and getting pg??? Huh??
Posted by: Tertia at May 27, 2004 1:00:40 AM
I couldn't say it any better than Tertia myself. So..........
DITTO.
Love you Julie.
Posted by: Cyn at May 27, 2004 2:37:02 AM
It is fucking exhausting, I'm all talked out, I just can't be arsed any more; as Tertia says it is fucking boring. We're flailing around without a plan .. I just want to go to sleep & it will all be ok ... what a joke.
I want you to have your baby ... if only wishes were enough :(
Posted by: Lucy at May 27, 2004 4:21:42 AM
Julie,
I had to tell you guys. I just got back from my Wand Monkey appointment.
On the bright side, my blood work results were actually ready. Considereing what I went through this morning to give the goddamn sample they better have been ready. I was bruised, poked repeatedly until 20 minutes of hell later, with the nurse literally sobbing and saying Hail Mary's under her breath, we got 2 big fat ml of blood.My arms and hands are all black and blue. Have you ever seen a 2 year-old that got into a box of band aids? Yeah, well, that's what my arms and hands look like.
Just so you know, I'm probably going to start cussing up a storm now. OK?
I had marginal movement in my hormone levels. I knew what he was going to say even before he came at me with the wand. (Fuck. fuck. fuck.) He gave me two options when the ultrasound was over. (goddammit)
1) Cancel the cycle as of today. OR
2) Take my injections at same high levels today and tomorrow, blood again on Sat. If numbers do good, then we continue, If not a good jump, then cycle is CANCELLED definitely.
You know me. I don't give up that easy. Fuck that. No way. Im gonna keep fighting till he tells me to piss off. So, Obviously, I took option 2. Now get this....
I asked him WHY??? WHY???WHY??? He said "Honestly? Hell if I know. It doesn't make ANY SENSE. Your hormone levels otherwise are fine-normal, the prolactin came down majorly, everything is fine. Ovaries look fine, Excecpt that there isn't much of any eggs growing. But there aren't even the usual cysts on there... everything is.............GENUINE!" I swear to God he said Genuine. I almost fell out of my chair. Of course, then I broke down, tried SO very hard not to cry, not to lose my composure, because I HATE THAT, but dammit, then he looked at me and said "You're a strong woman, don't let it get you down" (WTF???)and then, the damn broke. The tears just started pouring down my face. I was frozen and stuck in my chair. Then I told him. easy to say. I keep fighting... for years. You aren't the only doctor I've seen here. IVF isn't easy. It isn't the cost, it's the pain, the mental strain it puts on you, what it does to you physically its everything. You haven’t physically experienced it, so don't look me in the face and expect it to "not get me down". Of course Im devastated. Im not giving up yet, but I don't wanna get my hopes any goddamn higher than they were already. (you asshat)
So. All I can do is pray that today and tomorrow something starts happening in there. That when they take my blood from God knows where on saturday cause there isn't many places left... that Wand Monkey gets a number result that makes him sing.
Cause otherwise......Im SO fucked.
I hope to God that if he doesn't listen to my prayers for my own screwed up ovaries, that it's because HE is busy paying attention to my heartfelt prayers that you get a positive Beta on Monday.
Posted by: Cyn at May 27, 2004 10:55:24 AM
I hear you sister. I am so sick of IVF and infertility posessing my life. I am so sick of having what is supposed to be a joyful, loving, somewhat mysterious event stripped of every shred of happiness, dignity and expectation. To have reproduction be reduced to some clinical, sad, monetary discussion is just repulsive. And so, so wearing. On the other hand, (yep my moods shift quickly these days) thanks for providing us an outlet and safe, common ground. I hope for you- well you know what we all hope for you.
Posted by: Marnie at May 27, 2004 6:00:59 PM
Marnie:
Are you the same Marnie from IVF Connections? If so, I am Seig. Maybe not the best place to post, but if so, I wondered how you were doing.
S.
Posted by: S. at May 27, 2004 8:22:39 PM
Julie,
I hear you. I feel like my life is Ground Hog day. Sick of getting pregnant and losing them. Lost one at 8wks. One at 5 months. One chemical. And one today.
BFP? Yeah, whatever. I want a (live) baby.
So you BETTER get pregnant and STAY that way!
Laura
Posted by: Laura at May 29, 2004 1:33:55 AM
Just wanted to let you know...
My cycle is officially CANCELLED.
E2 doubled nicely, but my eggs... all fucking 50 of them... are growing evenly... and at a snails pace. not ONE dominant follicle. He said it's too late in the cycle (day 10 of stims) and too dangerous for OHSS for my health.
May you get a positive Beta on Monday Julie.
Love, Cyn
Posted by: Cyn at May 29, 2004 2:16:01 PM
Cyn, I'm so so sorry. That just sucks.
Posted by: BrendaS at May 29, 2004 7:11:06 PM
I'm hoping you won't have to face a negative. :-)
And now, back to lurkdom....
Posted by: emily at May 30, 2004 12:59:08 AM
At least we don't have to worry about becoming those couples who have nothing left to say to each other (insert hollow laugh here).
Thinking of you with crossed fingers and hoping you won't need a plan.
Posted by: jc at May 30, 2004 12:09:56 PM
Just wanted to add a comment to say I'm thinking of you and hoping like crazy for you tomorrow. (Twins? Why the hell NOT?) We need some good news, and God knows you've waited long enough for it.
Posted by: Sonetka at May 30, 2004 7:08:18 PM
Hi Julie.
I'm worried that your silence means sad things. But I am thinking of you. xo
Posted by: Eve at May 30, 2004 11:59:33 PM
i keep checking. i keep hoping. for what it's worth, i even pray some too. hope to hear from you soon.
Posted by: RainbowW at May 31, 2004 5:34:21 AM
