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05/25/2004
I got plenty of nothin'
You know those early pregnancy symptoms everyone's always going on about? The sore breasts, the pelvic fullness, the strange uterine cramping that some women claim they feel starting, like, five minutes after getting it on (or, in the case of infertility patients, seven and a half minutes after embryo transfer)?
Well, I have those. But so does everyone else who's ever been dosed with progesterone. I'm fairly sure my husband would if I could figure out a way to introduce a suppository without tipping him off.
I need a volunteer to create a diversion.
I used to think I knew what very early pregnancy felt like. Pregnant after my first two cycles with injectables, I was convinced to the point of smugness that I'd recognize a positive long before a blood test confirmed it. Not so, not so, as I learned after my third. I felt every bit as pregnant as I had in the past, but ended up without even a low beta to soothe my vanity, sorely bruised by my failure to predict the negative.
Instead, I knew what progesterone supplementation felt like. For me, being pregnant on progesterone feels exactly like not being pregnant on progesterone.
Because I know this, I consult my insides a million times a day, ascribing the symptoms to anything but pregnancy. But because I'm hopeful, I still want to believe. That feeling of pelvic heaviness? I have variously decided it's embryos implanting, colon blockage, embryos implanting, a deep rumble of foreboding, embryos implanting, misplaced car keys, embryos implanting, and an early indication of a summer of punishing hailstorms.
That cramping? Canteloupe-sized fibroid. Implantation. Surprise bonus orgasm while I sleep. Implantation. Uterine perforation from my IUD. (Wait, I've never had one.) Implantation. Yet another layer of plush bloody wall-to-wall ready to be shed. Im-plan-ta-tion.
A blue Christmas.
A white Christmas.
Implantation, yo!
The breasts — oh, the breasts. I can't be sure, but I suspect that sometime in the night, while I lay in dreamless wake-up-to-pee-five-thousand-times slumber, the Breast Fairy brought me implants, a procedure from which I have yet to recover. They're bigger, they're tender, and they hurt when they're jostled. I would rather believe I'm pregnant, though; I cannot think of breast surgery without remembering that they move your nipples. They take them off and move them. I must therefore assume that at some point, your nipples are sitting on a tray like hors d'oeuvres.
With all these options to choose from, I can explain away my so-called symptoms with ease. The only problem is that now I'd like an appetizer.
I believe I'll hold out for the tiny spanakopita.
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Well I don't know how I'm going to create a diversion because all I can picture is an elegant tray of nipple hors d'oeuvres. They're best served with warm milk, you know.
Nipples on a platter might be the only thing surprising enough to distract your husband from an unwanted suppository insertion. But how do we get his pants off?
*sigh*
I am you.. you are me. hell I feel like I could throw up at any minute. And my tits... yeah... 1 size bigger and HEAVY. You'd think DD's couldn't get any heavier.. but trust me, they are.
And today... I could smell fresh strawberries from across the house. (my husband could smell nothing).
Yup.. I am you.. you are me.
Nipple hors d'oeuvres...best served with warm milk.
If you just throw the nipples in the microwave, they'll make their OWN warm milk.
EEK!
Strawberries, Brenda? You're lucky. During my first pregnancy, everything smelled like cigarettes for weeks. I felt like I was living in John Mellencamp's trachea.
Liz, you win.
You transferred on Thursday, no?
I IUI'd on Friday, and oh good lordy, the pelvic pulling and fullness are almost enough to make me believe I am pregnant. Almost. Not quite. Because I too have been fooled by a body teased by symptoms that were most likely induced by a hyperactive imagination.
Keep doin whatchur doin..find other reasons your pelvis is heavy, you have cramping and your boobs are explosive. Really, there must be thousands of reasons all of those could happen at the SAME TIME.
My motto: in times of doubt and despair, cling to the rock that is pessimism.
Mine never get bigger, dammit, no matter how sore they are. How come everyone else gets the good symptoms?
They really move your nipples? Ew. Another reason to never have cosmetic surgery.
It is an honor to be plagiarized by -- I mean an inspiration to -- you.
Well I had just bought the strawberries.
Now all I can smell is garlic. *shrug*
If my nipples were on a platter, they might cover the whole platter. They are not hors d'oevres, they are Whole Effing HungryMan Dinners. They are my whole boob. *shudder*
Thank you for putting that lurvely image in me head, Julie, now I will dream of dancing nipples. And cross everything for implanting embryos.
Andi, wth your inspiring example in mind, I recycled my own brilliance! We are an unbeatable team.
And, Karen, I am sure your nipples are more on the order of Lean Cuisine.
Julie, as I told Jo, I was sooo convinced I was pregnant this month because of all the symptoms. Pelvic pulling and fullness. Bloating, non-stop cravings, nausea, fatigue. Strange taste in my mouth, nipple soreness. I even had my due date figured out. But I'm not. So I think that there's truly no real connection between early symptoms and actual pregnancy. Let's hope you are actually preggers this month, with or without symptoms. In fact, if it means you're pregnant, I'll gladly take the symptom hit this month for you.
Excuse me, I have to go change my tampon now.
Ah Julie. You're the BEST. ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY.Thank you for making me smile, you mighty mighty thing you! I really reallllly needed it.
I haven't even gotten that far in this cycle yet (day 6 of Gonal F injections). I HAVE though taken my Dostinex. For high Prolactin levels. I. Am. SICK. OUTTA. MY. DAMN.MIND! Everything makes me heave. Im sticking to water. Im having pregnancy nausea..... and I haven't even got any decent sized DAMN FOLLICLES yet, much less an egg collection!I should know by Sat or Sun if he's gonna cancel this cycle or not. Damn.Damn. Damn. God I hope not.
Last two wand monkey visits were such hilarious nightmares from hell that Im not gonna re-visit them here.. Im hormonal. (but then, who's not?) But I went into one of my rare Irish fury's yesterday. Check my blog and find out.
Julie, I desperatley pray that it has worked this time for you. My God how you deserve it. I keep telling myself "Its a good omen that you and Julie are trying "together" this time!" Kind of like mind over matter.
Love you woman. You're the best! Kiss Follistim kitty for me, will ya? purrrrrrrrrr.
Here's to goodness for you. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I think you totally screwed me on that boob lift I wanted though. Now all I can think of is my nips on a platter. sigh.
But just think of the festive garnish!
Mine would also overwhelm the platter. Even before the advent of Giant Trigger Tits.
I am in the same place, Julie, and it is nerve-wracking, every time a fleeting cramp bunches up your smooth muscle, to have to say, "No, no, it's the progesterone! Or that Greek salad I ate! And, yes, the pelting hail! Oh, and the cicadas too."
It's sort of like playing Tetris with any untoward thoughts of pregnancy, quickly turning them around and fitting them into your worldview so they *disappear*, poof, gone, board clear, everything okay. You get to fill in your initials: A-S-S. P-O-O. T-I-T.
Nipples on a platter? Sounds like a Fear Factor stunt to me. Mine are enormous and gigantic. Tender boobies are always a good sign!! :)
Today they're not even tender. They are absolutely normal, my garden variety pendulous dugs.
(I just wanted to work "pendulous dugs" in there somehow.)
Hey, I don't think they take them off so much anymore. They like to preserve the breast as much as possible. Pretty cool actually. I had a reduction done a few years back and mine stayed attached.
Ugh, hated the progesterone, I was never on injectibles, but took Crinone for a few cycles, brutal ugly horrible 2ww, I was a walking disaster, I'm surprised my husband survived.
Here's another tip: Being pregnant without being on progesterone feels exactly like being not pregnant on progesterone. You can't trust any symptom when you are on progesterone. It actually makes me feel more calm. But only b/c I feel sedated. The one pregnancy symptom that i've had when pregnant that progesterone was not able to duplicate: acute sense of smell.
The funniest thing is that if you read the insert that comes with the Progesterone suppositories (and they give the shots for same purpose also)... it is also given to TREAT PMS!!!!!!!!
What stupid fuckhead came up with that? (A man probably) Treating it how? By making the PMS look like NOTHIN in comparison? HAH! Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
PS: About the nipple thingie, asked SIL who is gonna do it this summer, she said they make a "keyhole cut" and leave it attached at the bottom, so that you don't lose feeing in the nipple. Nobody removes the nipple anymore. THank God.
Ah, Julie, bless you a 1000 times over. You used "pendulous" for describing your jugs. I thought only I did that.
Julie, you're spreading some serious disinformation here. When you have breast surgery your nipples ARE NOT removed. This was done about 20 years ago but surgical techniques have improved significantly since then. The most popular procedure today, the inferior pedicle, keeps the nipples attached throughout the surgery. With this procedure, minimal sensation is lost, and future breast feeding is totally possible. I had a breast reduction 6 years ago, lost only a tiny bit of the sensation in my nipples, and was able to breast feed my daughter. Of course, after being pregnant I could now use a breast lift, but that's another story.
Julie, you're spreading some serious disinformation here.
Dear God, can a lawsuit be far behind?!
(Thanks for soothing the fears of some of the posters here, though.)
Hey, your blog is so popular, I expect a news flash on CNN: "The Breast Reduction Association (BRA) today called an emergency meeting, as millions of women cancel procedures because they think their nipples will becom displayed like hors d'ouevres." This is more potent than unspecified terror threats!
I hope you make it through the next few days of your 2ww OK, and are pleasantly surprised by a BFP.
I would just like to say thank you to all of you out there who feel like me...?pregnant?, yet on progesterone, yet wondering if your tender breasts and the slight cramps are a side effect or if you have really been blessed by the Divine One!
Julie, you sure are a riot, thank you!
God i know how that feels pookie !! :)
Lets just Pray its divne ones !! Diana
Thanks to all of you, especially Julie, for finding the humor in all of this. I am having a ping pong match with myself- it's progesterone symptoms, no it's pregnancy symptoms, back and forth, back and forth. I really needed to laugh about all of this today-- thanks again and blessings to everyone. May we all be experiencing pregnancy symptoms (screw the confusing, posing-as-the-real- deal-progesterone ones).
Rosemary
hey, i've had an IUI for the first time, and i've been ttc for about 3 years. Initially, we tried all the basic stuff like planned relations and all that, but it didnt work, so we're on to IUI.
Mine was a bit painful, and i had a little spotting for 2 days after. is it normal? does one bleed after an IUI? i was scared my endo's already giving up and coming off, and i might begin my periods right away. So scary. someone tell me something nice please
Hi, Agneejeet. I had spotting after taking Clomid and doing an IUI I was later told that Clomid makes your cervix more prone to bleeding. Is this what's happening?
Good luck to you.
Hay I just wanted to tell you that your writing style could make you rich, are you a published author? If not get on it! You seriously have a writing style that put to good use could make you a very comfertable living.
Blessings!
cb
They took my nipples off. 12 years ago. Big reduction. It depends on necessity I guess!
Thanks to all of the ladies for making me laugh today. Actually for the first time on any chat room I've ever seen. I am four days post transfer, and this is my first IVF. I have Endo. Up until five min. ago, before finding this site I was %150 sure I was pregnant. headed for a major letdown. I'm sure. I as well take those silly this you pop inside you three times a day. Is that what you all mean. Is that what masks pregnancy. Sorry to sound daft, I'm just A little upset today, as I am new to this. Thanks ladies!!
~Julia
This blog is hilarious and so very needed today. I am 7 days post transferred and feeling all those progesterone symptoms that make me feel pregnant. Oy! can we all just hope just for a second that we are all pregnant, drinking milk martinis and having nipple appetizers;)
xo,
T
Hi Ladies,
I'm new to the site...looking for some comfort before I start my day. My transfer was on the 7th and my PG test at the clinic is this Friday. I'm on progesterone shots and I can relate to all of you with the pelvic fullness, the tender breast and nipples, but this morning I woke up with this overwhelming feeling that I wasn't PG. I'm so sad. All my symptoms have magically disappeared. I don't know how I'm gonna make it till Friday.
Meli
Hi Melissa
I too am new to this site, I found it while looking up all my symptoms. which have also disappeared. After suffering POS since I was 14 I thought I was finally lucky. another negative.
Thank you so much ladies, for making me smile and distracting me as I too sit here chewing off all my nails in the 2WW. This is my first visit here also, found as I too looked up every weird symptom I've had. Y'all have successfully explained them all away, so I can keep my cynicism flourishing (I especially like the blue christmas?!). It's better that way. My first child is 2 and I was all cocky, that, hey, my bod is a baby making machine now (never mind that it took 11 tries before). After devastating results 2 months ago, I am back to the cynisism that worked for me 3 years earlier.
7 days to go, that is unless I get my period on day 10 like last time. Come on progesterone, or your fired!
Thank you. I had three chemical pregnancies with no obvious cause. I seem to be perfectly healthy. So my doc put me on progesterone suppositories in case I had low progesterone. She insisted there were no symptoms. What a load of crap! (I'm switching doctors.)