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05/31/2004
The light of a thousand suns
At 6 days past transfer (dpt), I was feeling viciously low. Not only was I sad, I was angry, flying into rages at the slightest provocation. I can't be sure, but I think that was the day Paul, a genius of self preservation, began wearing a cup.
At 7dpt, I went to my local RE's office for the luteal phase bloodwork Cornell requests. I saw only the phlebotomist, who gasped sympathetically at the bruises that linger at my every venipuncture site. Even with this limited exposure, being in the local office did a number on me — it's been the site of too many disappointments. On the drive home, I was seized by a panic attack, and had to pull over as I hyperventilated, telling myself over and over, "We have burned through over $40,000 with nothing to show for it."
Okay. So I didn't test on 7dpt, knowing that seeing a negative would only fuck me up even more.
Good thing I didn't, because it would have been negative.
At 8dpt, I woke up early. Now, I do this during the two-week wait (and beyond, if the situation warrants it). I wake up to use the bathroom or to bat away the rough-tongued attentions of the cat, and I can't go back to sleep — my mind is too busy, considering every possibility, running endless diagnostics on my every reproductive apparatus. I went to the bathroom, returned to bed, and tried to go back to sleep, but finally gave it up as a bad job at 5 AM. And I lumbered off to the second bathroom to christen the first stick of IVF #4.
You have never seen a fainter positive in your life.
To see a second line, you'd have needed NASA-grade optics, the ability to convince yourself that the Earth is flat, and the light of a thousand suns. But there was a second line.
I stared at the line for about an hour. By 7 AM I could wait no longer, and made my poor beleaguered husband wake up, put on his reading glasses (or as we call them in these days of PIO, his stickin' glasses), and stumble into the bathroom for a consultation.
Paul: [Stares fixedly at test. Stares at the negative. Stares at the new one. Stares some more. And more. For about an hour.] Well... [Pauses for another hour and a half.] I think there's something there...
I spent the rest of the day in the bathroom, staring, boring a hole in the test with the force of my gaze. The thing practically started to smoke, so powerful was my concentration. (And, really, nothing says home like the smell of burning pee.)
At 9dpt, I repeated the experiment. The second line was darker, though still quite faint.
At 10dpt, 5 AM found me once again crouching over a stick. The second line was darker, clearly visible to the naked eye without too much suspension of disbelief.
No doubt about it. Positive.
But this morning, 11dpt, something terrible happened. My friends, I hardly know how to talk about this, so I'll just come out and say it:
I ran out of sticks.
The last two days have terrified and reassured me by dizzying turns. My pelvis feels very busy — fullness, twinges, and cramping, which could be the earliest signs of pregnancy, or could be the earliest signs of a pregnancy ending. I'm tired, which could be an indication that I'm very busy on a cellular level, or could be that I haven't slept past 5 AM once in the last week. And my breasts are the slightest bit tender, which could be the effects of increasing hCG, or could be the consequences of pummeling them hourly to check for soreness.
This could mean anything.
I have enough experience — in fact, we all do — to recognize that a positive HPT doesn't guarantee anything, not even a decent number on a quantitative blood test. Believe me, of that I am painfully and queasily aware. I am about five minutes pregnant, the littlest bit, and from here anything could happen.
But just as anything bad could happen at this point, so could anything good.
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Waiting impatiently for update. Love, S.
And I'll only get to find out your beta tom. Because I am 8 hours ahead of you. What am I saying, I am a life time ahead of you.
Crossing all my bit little cycle buddy.
I'm just sitting here crying and hoping only the very best. That is all.
Crossing my fingers tighter then they've ever been crossed before...
Tertia has had me in disbelief for the last 7 hours. I came back to my favorite blogs to confirm what I'd read, and now this too(!) - well there goes my Memorial Day. I'm not going to accomplish anything. I'm just going to keep coming back to my laptop and look, and leave with the sh!t eating (hate that expression, but it is 7am here, and I can't do better) grin.
Here's hoping for you Julie & your famous pal Tertia.
Hooray! I'm so hoping this happens for you, Julie. So very, very much.
Go easy on the breasts, hon. I'm a fan of ladies' breasts and don't want to see them hurt any more than necessary.
It's funny how much experiences and practices vary. Sue has used exactly one stick during our entire marriage. And no, it was not at the end of any of our three IVF cycles.
It was when she was mysteriously eight days late and barfing at the merest hint of a thought of food. For us, that's the symptom that spells pregnancy -- unending nausea that lasts for the entire thing. While I secretly hoped for a positive (the thought having not yet occured to me that the chances of such a positive being ectopic were extremely high), it was negative and her period came and went and life returned to normal.
Sue was relieved for a negative, believe it or not. She thinks three is plenty. I, however, will take whatever the gods choose to bless us with. (Even if I want to send Benjamin back sometimes.)
Like Tertia mentioned, there's still plenty that can go bad. You know that yourself.
Still ... tiny steps. Next step is ... and we'll keep prayin' for ya.
Crossing everything, pleading with the gods, and shaking the chicken bones ....
Go Dreaming Go!
We are all routing for you! We love your blog too.
Alex & Kathleen
Oooh, Julie - what exciting news!!! Adding my crossed bits to everyone else's...
Whew! I have been holding my breath at your silence. I am bracing myself to inhale and hold it for the rest of the day. And every day until the most positive of conclusions.
Trying to cross everything on my body, but I can'see through the tears to make sure I've done the job fully. PS- all this crossing is physically excruciating- please update soon.
Oh, Julie. Julie, Julie, Julie.
Oh, my.
Holding my breath, and praying, and waiting for your next update!
I pray for you that this is *it*.
Sweet, fancy Moses, I am hoping with every strand of hair on my head that this is the one. Julie, I'm thinking of you so hard that it hurts.
Wow! I'm so excited for you! Can't wait for your update...
Oh my god.
I have to say I suspected something was up, as I kept on clicking back here every twenty-seven minutes for the update that took so damned long.
Julie, I can't tell you how much I want this for you, how hard I'm hoping.
Waiting for that update.
julie, i'm thinking of you and hoping.
Well, hell! I hope this is The One for you guys!
OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH!!!!
When is your beta?? Oh dear, I am pacing frantically. I am waiting with bated breath to hear. Everything is crossed (since I am not having sex these days, even the legs are crossed).
*chicken bones, chicken bones*
OMG! this is terrific. my heart dropped when you mentioned that something bad happened at 11dp. I'm so happy for you!
I'm not going to get any work done today because I'm going to keep checking in here to see the numbers, post them as soon as you can!
Crossing everything for you, and rubbing my belly for extra good luck! How will I ever stay away from the computer now?
Yes!! Yesyesyes!!! The stars must be in allignment or something for three bloggers to be traveling down this early path together.
Wishing for greater star alignment!!
m
I've been reading your posts every day, and I can't wait for you to give us the good news...I'm holding my breath, please update soon.
~RC~
Oh My... how could you possibly run out of sticks? Shame Shame girl.
Crossing everything that is possibly crossable for you...
Love,
Brenda
(who is on her way to burn down Dollar Tree)
Please God. Please God. Please God. Please God. Please God. Please God. Please God. Please God.
Thank you for ignoring me for myself if you listened to my prayers for Julie instead........
Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.
Now lets keep her that way, shall we???????
Fingers crossed hon. Love, Cyn XXXXX
Good Lord Julie- I have my fingers crossed for you as well. I'll be stalking your site all day.
I was worried with every passing day of no news. But no news was good news! As I said to Tertia, I know the positive only brings new and different things to worry about-- but at least you are headed in the right direction.
Pleeeeeeeeeease- I don't know who I'm asking, but anyone who is listening and has some power-- let this be THE ONE.
I knew some more positive (pun most definitely intended) had to come of all of this. I really did. I assumed that you hadn't been updating your blog because you were consumed with testing and retesting.
I'll do any kind of voodoo you want to help you make it through these next million steps.
LOVE! IT!
Fucking fabulous.
Waiting for your update. Hoping for the very best.
I'll be keeping absolutely everything crossed for you for the next few days.
Oh Julie, I am sending so many bolts of good-thought lightning your way!!!!!!!!!
Yay, yay, and MORE YAY!!!! Can't wait for your update...I hope those beta numbers are nice and sky high!!!!!
oh...oh! I'm adding my pleases with everyone elses. I'm throwing my hands up begging and hoping and yes..please god please.
PLEASE..
Silently cheering for you on the west coast!
Okay! Our babies will be contemporaries yet! I am so happy for you. Keep it coming.
All the best,
Joanne
Godfrey Daniels, that's some rockin' good news, Julie!!! I am hoping fervently that this is your lucky break!
Twizzle
aiiiieeeeeee!!!
every cell of my brain is urging this toward even more good news. Oh boyohboy. I will be ceaselessly driving up your stats until update. xoxox
I do not have the words to express the joy I felt when I read your news but I will try……… absolutely fucking outstanding! I have been keeping up with your blog for close to a year now and never comment. I had to this time! I am watching for updates!
Got here via Dawn.
Keeping my fingers crossed for you . . .
Get here via Dawn.
Keeping my fingers crossed for you . . .
oops! sorry . . .
HOORAY from the land of the perpetual lurkers. Been very anxious on your behalf for the past few days, and when I read your headline, I felt as if those thousand suns were shining down on my computer. The world will be a better place if the Julie-genes get passed along. Every positive-little-energy-thingie (whatever they are) I have is pointed in your direction.
Oh, I don't know what to say. Oh, yeah I do. I hope that you are soon a lot pregnant. Yes, I do.
YAYAYAYAYAYAY!! So wonderful! Please keep us posted..
-AmyY
Julie - Hoping hoping hoping for you. Can't wait to know for sure.
Oh wow oh wow oh wow oh wow wow wow wow wow wow.
Wow.
whenisyourbeta - whenisyourbeta - whenisyourbeta - whenisyourbeta - whenisyourbeta - whenisyourbeta - whenisyourbeta?!?!?!?!?!?!? Lighting candles, lighting bonfires, crossing everything till it cramps!!!!