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05/06/2004
We've all been there
Yesterday at the airport I was singled out for security screening, probably because I bought a one-way ticket the day before I traveled. (Gee, Julie, you think?) Now, on the one hand, it was stupid of me to pack my meds and needles in my checked baggage; theoretically they could have been lost. On the other hand, I am not sorry I didn't try to carry them on. The full-body patdown was bad enough without having someone paw through my personal stash.
Not only did I get patted down with gloved hands and wanded with a metal detector that made exciting theremin noises, I had to take off my belt, my shoes, and my jewelry. So compliant am I by this point that I also attempted to take off my pants, eagerly reassuring the TSA agent, "No, it's okay. The wand you're using will fit."
The hotel where I'm staying is frequented by IVF patients because the clinic is in the same building. My room is being cleaned right now by a petite, young-looking Latina.
Julie: No...
P, Y-L L: Oh. The paper say you checking out today.
Julie: Nope! I'm here for about two weeks.
P, Y-L L: Ohhhhhhh! You come for baby?
Julie: I hope so!
P, Y-L L: [laughs] I got four. Too much!
Yesterday at the airport while I waited for my flight to board, I sat next to a woman with two small children. She was doing a beautiful job of keeping the older kid, a boy of about three, occupied with conversation and snacks, but the baby she carried was fretful and started to cry. She looked around apologetically at the other passengers as the baby's cries escalated into screams. A grandmotherly type smiled reassuringly and told her, "Don't worry. We've all been there."
And I guess we all have, on one end of that relationship or the other.
Posted by Julie at 10:28 AM in I've learned a lot...but I'm not sure it's worth it., New York diary | Permalink
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Comments (10)
I gotta ask - what was your reaction?
My reaction to reading your description was to laugh and think "she seems sweet." But I can see lots of other options, too.
So is all a go?
Posted by: Julia at May 6, 2004 11:08:05 AM
I thought she seemed sweet, too, and laughed with her. I chose to believe she was wishing me luck.
But then she was charming in general. She picked up my purse off the floor so she could vacuum, and gently admonished me, "My mother say if you put money down, your money go down." As she ostentatiously put it on the table, she explained, "Move money up, and your money go up!"
"Then put it up there!" I told her, pointing to the top of the TV cabinet, the highest point in the room.
As soon as she left, I flopped down onto the bed, then lifted my hips and feet into the bicycling position. I figure if I want my fertility to go up, maybe I should put all of the relevant parts up, just in case.
Posted by: Julie at May 6, 2004 11:36:36 AM
Once again I observe that the most painful comments can be those un-intentional remarks made as light conversation that cut you to the core.
I can't begin to imagine how you practice the art of distraction when you're holed up in a hotel room trying to think about something other than the reason you are there. I will be thinking of you.
Posted by: Kristine at May 6, 2004 12:24:17 PM
"The wand will fit." I love that. You crack me up.
I love your take on the old woman's comment as well. Very zen of you.
Four is too much of anything. I always think I want four Pop-Tarts™, but then after I get through the middle of number three or so, I feel a bit ill.
Posted by: mollie at May 6, 2004 12:41:56 PM
The Wand Monkey, she is everywhere -
QUICK! Look, she's at the doctor's office, shoving her wand in your cootch.
Now look - OVER THERE! - she's at the airport, looking for dangerous items like tweezers and nosehair scissors.
Action Wand Monkey, International Spy...
I like it.
Posted by: Liz at May 6, 2004 1:45:04 PM
Yay! Julie's in town!
Your wand comment cracked me up, too. So funny!
Email me with your info if you'd like. I'd love to see you this weekend, if you can!
*Smooches*
Posted by: Karen at May 6, 2004 5:42:22 PM
My uncle is a TSA agent and he loves to tell the story of the lady who quite loudly shared that the reason she set the alarm off was her underwire bra. Too bad you weren't flying through Indianapolis--I can't imagine how he'd retell that story.
Posted by: Christina at May 6, 2004 5:45:31 PM
Good luck, Julie! May the Force be with you, my friend.
Posted by: Shelba at May 6, 2004 10:37:14 PM
I like it! It's like Flaubert's "Trois Contes" (forgive me, I am feeling all French today) or something. Hmmm, that is a terrible analogy (you know, you make an analogy without using...) Here, do you want me to make funny faces for you? Perform tricks with string? Fly out to NY and take you for the dinner of a f*u*cking lifetime? You just let me know, I am here to amuse for the next two weeks.
This entry was exquisite, truly. You see, you took these three little vignettes and interpreted them... wait a second! I'll bet you did it on purpose!
{See how much better I type without all the pressure?}
Let me know when you want me to start emailing you grossly inappropriate jokes.
Posted by: Julia S at May 6, 2004 10:40:44 PM
Julie, when I flew one-way to Los Angeles with a connecting flight in Vegas two years ago, they DID stick the wand down my pants! I was going to meet up with my then husband-to-be, collect him, drive to Vegas to elope with him and then drive both of us back to the east coast. The airport officials didn't want to hear my sweet and cute story about trying desperately to get to my fiance--instead, they patted and prodded me and stopped me twice...first at Newark Airport, and then in Vegas. In Vegas, I cried. The woman told me to unbutton my jeans, and she literally stuck the wand down there...in front first, and then in back. I guess in case my kooch was holding anything more dangerous than a tampon.
As I stood there with my pants unbuttoned, I watched dozens of passengers pass me by, trying not to look at this woman getting molested by a beeping wand. I wanted to die. Many of these passengers (NONE of whom...who? I think it's whom...got pulled aside for the Trial By Wand) had backpacks that could have held a lot more than lethal nose-hair clippers.
I literally cried. The newlywed-to-be, exhausted on her 1:00 AM connecting flight, being touched inappropriately twice in one night...it was not pretty!
Posted by: Mel at May 8, 2004 7:38:20 PM
