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06/06/2004
Ducks
I live half an hour from a small city by a big lake. We're there a lot for shopping, dinners out, and visits to the local RE. I love the lake; since the shore is only a few blocks from downtown, we visit it often, watching the boats bobbing in the marina, kids playing in the sand of the tiny man-made beach, and the squadron of mallards who nest in the rocks.
Last summer, on a sunny day when I was about seven weeks pregnant, Paul and I went for an ultrasound. We saw the heartbeat, just as we'd hoped, then went to see the ducks.
Hatching happens late up here; by mid-July the ducklings are still small and downy, entirely dependent on their mothers, staying very close to shore. We watched those tiny ducks for hours, not talking much. But then we didn't need to talk, since we knew each other's thoughts — we were happy, we were hopeful, and we were finally part of the business of life in a way we'd never been.
C'mon: pregnant. Heartbeat. Ducklings. Sunshine. It doesn't get better than that.
Two weeks later, everything was different. We'd lost the heartbeat. It's what we expected; we were prepared. We asked for a D&C.
I could have one that day if I stayed nearby, waiting my turn for an empty OR, so we didn't drive home. We waited downtown, the longest wait of my life.
And of course we watched the ducks. They were two weeks older, a little less downy and a little more assured. They swam farther out from shore and picked fights with each other. When their mothers approached to deliver a disciplinary peck, they tried hard to swim away. We could see their tiny feet churning fast in the clear lake water.
And again, we didn't talk much. Again, there was little to say.
I didn't see the ducks again before winter came in. I thought I would today. We went to town for brunch and shopping. Before we ate, we changed tables at the restaurant to get a better view of a sleeping infant. As we shopped, we slowed (though did not stop) as we passed the baby clothes. Then we split up, agreeing to meet in an hour's time.
As soon as we'd parted, I went to the bathroom and saw that I was spotting.
There was only the faintest tinge of beige on the toilet paper, more staining than spotting, thin and very light in color. I sat in the stall staring at the paper, reminding myself of what I already know: brown blood is old blood, less ominous than red. Many women spot throughout successful pregnancies. Bleeding isn't necessarily a bad sign.
But I also know that blood of any color is never a good sign. I know that about half of the women who experience bleeding will go on to miscarry. I know there's nothing I can do but wait.
So I sat in the stall and I cried for a while. I thought of Melissa, I thought of last year, and I thought of the ducks on the lake.
When Paul and I met once the hour was up, it was chilly and looked like rain. We decided against going down to the shore and came straight home instead.
Comments (38)
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Am thinking of you, and hoping for the best.
I'm so sorry about the anxiety you are feeling. I'm mad at the world that you can't have a positive HPT and then, poof!, nine months later a baby pops out. No muss, no fuss.
I'm thinking of you.
-- a fellow vet and long-time lurker
Just letting you know that I'm thinking of you.
You know even better than me that spotting means squat.
Love,
Brenda
You're on my mind in a big way.
I may not be the best person for the job, but I said a prayer for your pregnancy. You are in my thoughts.
You and I must be having similar days.
You're in my thoughts - as always.
Oh Julie. No more pain. If there is a grain of fairness left in the world, your spotting will be just the run of the mill pregnancy spotting and everything will be fine. I know I am cool and everything, but don't imitate me, ok?
Oh, Julie. I'm so hoping this is just the innocuous "your cervix is a little friable" spotting that results in a healthy baby.
We're all here for you, Julie, no matter what. I'm thinking of you and hoping for the very best.
I am thinking of you and praying for you.
Just keep breathing, while we all pray for you.
With love,
Oh, I'm so sorry for what has happened to you in the past, Julie. And I so hope that your spotting is just not a big deal. I am pleading with the universe that the next time you see those ducks, both they AND your little one will be growing and thriving and chirpy.
Good wishes to you; here's hoping all shall be well....
Oh. Julie.
I am thinking of you constantly. Hoping for good things. Sending some love your way.
I hope, for your sanity, your clinic is allowing weekly ultrasounds. My RE does them weekly during 1st trimester and it was the only way I could cope.
Shit. I hate this. I had not just spotting, but outright bleeding, with clots and everything, at about 7 weeks. And then spotting for a few more weeks. And everything was still fine. I hope I hope I hope everything is still fine for you too.
Dear God,
Today's my birthday and the only thing I want in the universe is for Julie's baby to stay. Thanks.
Julie - you're in my prayers - hope everything is well.
Julie, you will be just fine. A little bit of spotting is very common. I'll be saying my Hail Mary's that your little one is just getting comfy. Take some deep breaths.
Julie, you will be just fine. A little bit of spotting is very common. I'll be saying my Hail Mary's that your little one is just getting comfy. Take some deep breaths.
Julie, you will be just fine. A little bit of spotting is very common. I'll be saying my Hail Mary's that your little one is just getting comfy. Take some deep breaths.
Julie:
I have heard and read (and maybe your clinic could confirm) that spotting is particularly common in IVF because the lining is so thick compared with a naturally conceived pregnancy that you're more prone to some of it sloughing off. I hope that's the case with you.
Remaining positive from afar.
Now Listen to me God, we all agree that there is nothing wrong with Julie's pregnancy. So in 9 months I want to see a happy and healthy baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
julie, i'm thinking of you.
you will be alright.
I think everything is ok.
It does not matter what I think.
I am fearful for you.
I am optimistic for you.
I adore you.
Oh PLEASE let everything be ok!! We need nothing but good news from here on out!!! You will definitely be in my thoughts.
Oh, boy, I got to the part in the bathroom and I just put my face in my hands. "Oh, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie. No no no," I breathed, aching for you.
I know nothing about this. Nothing. I have nothing to say but that time will tell, of course. What it tells isn't up to me, but if it were.... you know.
Shit. And I thought I was freaked out about my OWN pg. Okay, well, hoping this was "light of 1,000 suns to see it" beige, and that it means nothing anyway.
Love you.
Thinking and hoping for you, Julie. I know what a wrench it is when all you can do is wait.
You're in my thoughts, Miss Julie.
Oh god no Julie! Please tell me its stopped. You must be petrified.
Ok, beige spotting is definitely ok, well not ok, but could be nothing. So please please please let it stop there. I am now totally freaked out.
What are you going to do? Ask for an early u/s? Will you do a repeat beta today?
I will be thinking of you every second of day.
Julie, I can't even begin to imagine how scared and worried you are right now. But I am as scared and worried as I can be for you. I hope that when I get back to town in a few days you will have much more reassuring news.
P.S. I hope you don't mind, but since Melissa's blog doesn't allow annonymous comments, I a going to hijack your blog long enough to say this to her:
Melissa, I am so very sorry for you and Brad. I know sorry is never enough, but it's all that I can offer you. I wish you peace as you heal.
My 3rd post(...getting braver by the day, I am!) Like everyone else, I just want to let you know that you are in my thoughts and that, for what it's worth, I too had some spotting (similar to what you described) at 7 weeks. I was given a scan that same day. The doctor called what I had a 'peri-gestational haemorrhage' and said it was very common and nothing to worry about. I'm now 22 weeks (IVF/ICSI pregnancy). Anyway, I know how much we all hate the 'my-friend-tried-for-10-years-and-then-got-pg-when-she-went-to-Italy-and-relaxed' stories, and I hope I'm not irritating you in the same way with my spotting story. Yes, everyone's fertility, or lack thereof, is theirs and theirs alone, just as everyone's pregnancy is different and can't be compared or likened to that of anyone else. I just remember, at the time, wanting to hear from someone else who had spotted and had an ongoing pregnancy...which is why I'm writing.
I hope the spotting only made a brief appearance and that you can get a scan soon to put your mind at ease somewhat.
Dear Julie - like everyone else, I'm thinking of you and hoping like mad that everything is alright.
[I'm also plagued by the same indecision as Simone G, wondering whether it's reassuring or unbelievably irritating to put my hand up as a 'first trimester spotter' whose spotty pregnancies were otherwise extremely straightforward and produced two healthy children. I know that you know all this stuff backwards, that it's meaningless in any real sense, etc. But I thought that I'd mention it in case there's even the tiniest iota of reassurance for a source other than a pregnancy book to say that 'spotting can be completely normal'. Many, MANY apologies if this is an asshat comment.]
Hey Julie,
I’ve currently got my Hope Addict gagged and bound up in a corner, she just no good to me, or anyone else for that matter, at the moment. My hope Addict is the girl who runs around and shakes all the Christmas presents under the tree trying to guess what everything is so she’s not very good at just sitting around and waiting, unfortunately the reality is all we can do is just sit around and wait. For me I’m waiting to start my first cycle, for you and Teritita, you guys are waiting for your next big milestones. The sucky thing is that as you pass each milestone it wont mean a big sigh of relief for either of you, it will just mean a slight lessening of the anxiety that you are both feeling – AND.THAT.JUST.SUCKS! Wishing you a completely uneventful pregnancy, I’ll just sit here quietly waiting.
{{{{hugs}}}} thinking all the positive thoughts I can muster and sending them your way! (My nickname is obnoxiously positive - so that is no small amount!) Much love to you.
My second pregnancy ended in miscarriage. The second? Twins :)
Duh.. sorry, make that the 3rd time I got pregnant it was with twins.. :) (It is the wine dammit!) My first pregnancy started out with daily bleeding for 4 weeks once I hit the 6th week mark. Boy is fine.
Okay I just want to say the other day I was bleeding heavier than spotting.......I was freaked. So I called the doctor and they said that bed rest and lots of liquids till I could call my doctor the next day. Woke up next day(the night before I was bleeding and cramping) and no bleeding. Went had an ultrasound and everything is fine!!!!! Even got to see the heartbeat. I am 7 weeks pregnant. The lining of the uterus is probably to blame for my problem because it was getting itself ready for the rest of the pregnancy. Keep your hopes up. 7 years ago I had a miscarriage and man the thoughts that popped into my head when I started to spot n bleed. WOoooOOOweeeeeeeeee don't give up any of you. I know I still have many weeks to go but I am keeping my dreams and hopes up!