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06/18/2004

Games to play at camp

Pin the tail on the donkey
Apply festive tassel to end of progesterone syringe ("tail"). Blindfold player. Spin player around until dizzy enough to vomit. "Donkey" (or "jackass," as the case may be) pulls down pants and leans over, gritting teeth, bracing self bravely. Player stumbles toward flabby, half-nude target aiming for upper outer quadrant.
Winner: Player who delivers oily payload to any spot even vaguely muscular
Loser: Traumatized and bleeding lumpy-assed donkey

Egg toss
Players pair off and stand two steps apart on pavement, facing each other. They gently toss an uncooked egg between them. Then they each step back, and toss the egg again. Action is repeated, with players moving farther apart, until every egg has been shattered irreparably and smeared across the burning asphalt. Now-useless eggs are pronounced to be of exceptionally poor quality. Players are firmly advised to purchase more expensive eggs from younger hens for the next game.

Hide and go seek
The person chosen as "it" ("pregnant and terrified in the first trimester") stands at base, hides eyes and counts to twenty. Players ("symptoms") choose ingenious hiding places, snickering quietly at their cleverness. When the person who is "it" reaches the end of the count, she calls out, "Holy shit, I can't feel anything!" and bursts into tears. "It" then searches frantically for vanishing "symptoms," clutching her breasts, weeping, as she runs.
Winner: Any "symptoms" who make it back to base without being intercepted by hysterical, sobbing "it"
Loser: Any "symptoms" caught by "it," who then viciously and mercilessly kicks them in the ribs until they spit blood for scaring her that way

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