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I love Tertia.

AIM IM with Tertia
7:24 AM

Tertia: hi
Julie: morning, sunshine.
Tertia: how is bleeding?
Julie: hard to say. i think i saw some pink staining this morning. but who the hell knows?
Julie: there's not even enough of it to stain a pantiliner.
Tertia: wear white underpants so we can analyze it!!!
Julie: i don't OWN white underpants. what do you think i am, a granny?
Tertia: excuse me!!! i wear white underpants. what do you wear? thongs?
Julie: god, no. they are ass floss.
Tertia: comfort is key for me
Tertia: nice comfy panties
Tertia: am not v sexy when it comes to underwear
Julie: i wear plain old cotton in black or dark heather gray.
Julie: i just don't like white because i'm lazy about bleaching.
Tertia: my bra n panties never match
Julie: i used to like to match when i was, like, 20, and had the body to go with it.
Julie: now i feel particularly sporty if everything is just clean.

Tertia: how are you feeling? any symptoms yet?
Julie: yeah, i have some symptoms -- painful breasts the size of all outdoors, busy pelvis. OH, AND THE SPOTTING.
Tertia: my boobs do feel a little more sensitive, but could be my imagination.
Julie: mine genuinely hurt. how fucked up is that, when i'm glad they hurt?
Tertia: i am very very fat. oh god i'm jealous that your boobs hurt. cow.
Julie: i am even fatter.
Tertia: shit, v jealous now
Tertia: well hopefully i'll start puking before you
Julie: i'll trade the sore boobs for no spotting. how's that for a deal?
Tertia: no thanx
Julie: shit.
Julie: what kind of nbf are you?
Tertia: sorry. but thats a crap swap. think of something else
Julie: sorry, that's all i'm prepared to offer.
Julie: take it or leave it.
Tertia: um, leaving it.
Julie: whore.

Julie: the pisser of it is...
Julie: it's too early to get a heartbeat.
Julie: so i can't even have a scan to reassure me.
Julie: i'd feel better if we saw a tiny pixel flickering on and off...
Julie: but it's too early for that.
Julie: so i just spot a tiny bit, and i wait.
Tertia: thats crap. cos mind goes crazy with the spotting. and i dont care if they say its normal, it bloody scary (no pun intended)
Tertia: ok, so I'm 5w3d today. yes, too early. I am holding back until 6w3d to go see, cos want to see h/b
Julie: see, if i were you, i'd want to count the sacs.
Tertia: yeah but too scared wont see h/b and then will stress for another week convinced all is lost.
Julie: ahhhh.
Julie: well, you're smart to know what you can handle, then.
Tertia: i am being so sensible i dont even recognize myself. who am I?
Julie: stepford tertia.
Tertia: thats me. tertia roberts
Tertia: announcing my pg to the world at 9w
Julie: jesus, can you imagine?
Julie: i'll feel reckless if i tell people before the third trimester.
Julie: 30 weeks seems like a good time to tell.
Julie: enough time for people to go buy presents.
Tertia: i know. i'll have to tell people soon cos i'm going to need to start wearing maternity clothes soon i am so fucking fat
Julie: you can just tell people you ate an entire ibex or something.
Tertia: wtf is a ibex?
Tertia: or rather should i say an ibex?
Julie: i'm not sure but i've heard the savannah is just lousy with them.
Julie: can't swing a dead impala without hitting an ibex.

Julie: here's what i was thinking:
Tertia: ok go ahead
Julie: i'm going to tell friends/family if/when i get a heartbeat. we didn't last time, and then i lost it...
Julie: and it's like it never fucking existed.
Julie: they don't even know i was pregnant.
Julie: and that kind of tears me up.
Tertia: yes, thats crap.
Tertia: me too. after i see h/b i will tell the other 700 people I have not already told
Julie: we'll take out a full-page add in the wall street journal.
Tertia: ok, fess up. have you calculated your due date?
Julie: of course. like, five minutes after retrieval.
Julie: feb. 6.
Tertia: me feb 4
Julie: jesus.
Julie: doesn't that seem soon?
Tertia: no, its fucking ages away
Tertia: a fucking life time
Tertia: but i only did mine after 2nd beta. am much more restrained and grown up than you
Julie: yes, you are a paragon of maturity.
Julie: i would do well to emulate you.
Tertia: you would
Tertia: one day.
Julie: in all ways.
Tertia: no, not in all ways
Julie: except in the kitchen-torching department.
Tertia: not in the fertility front either
Julie: well, no. but you get pregnant an awful lot.
Julie: as do i.
Julie: so we're kind of twins on that.
Tertia: true. quite silly actually
Julie: me, 3 out of 4 cycles.
Tertia: spot the error

Julie: i violated myself with a q-tip to check on what was happening up in there.
Julie: i do know how to have a good time.
Tertia: you did not. azzhole. thats dangerous
Julie: i didn't go far, doofus.
Tertia: yes but introducing potentially germs!!
Julie: of all the things i've put up my vagina in my day, a q-tip is the least of my worries.
Julie: besides, i cleaned the q-tip real well with spit beforehand.
Tertia: good for you. spit works for every thing

Tertia: and what did the q-tip say?
Tertia: what does unclear mean? pink? red? brown? could you take a photo and mail it? (ok not really)
Julie: q-tip actually said, "SLIGHTEST tinge of color. probably nothing to worry about."
Julie: last night it was brown. but not BROWN, really. the lightest beige you ever did see.
Julie: any ob/gyn would laugh me out of his office if i showed him.
Tertia: ok so you got to know brown is ok
Tertia: we hate any color but if it has to be a color then let it be brown'ish
Julie: but this morning on the paper there was a tiny hint of the palest pink in the universe.
Julie: so i don't know.
Tertia: what color is your tp?
Julie: white. IS there any other color?
Tertia: (just checking)
Julie: i'm going to get some black paper so that i can't consult it.
Tertia: and your soap?
Julie: soap? you use soap?
Tertia: sometimes
Tertia: when i run out of spit
Julie: jesus, you're finicky.
Julie: i wash myself all over like a cat.
Julie: my tongue gets tired.

Tertia: this one time (at band camp), i wiped my lipstick off with a piece of tp, threw it in the bowl and than had a pee. looked down and saw pink/red on tp and nearly had a fucking heart attack thinking it was blood
Julie: ahahahahaha.
Julie: band camp.
Tertia: i know. even i laughed at myself
Tertia: am hilarious
Julie: you are a motherfucking star.

Tertia: i hate cycle buddies. like this one chick has just sent me an email entitled "good news", I'm pg too. i'm like FUCK OFF BITCH. she was pg at
the same time I was with pg #2.
Julie: "good news! you suck! i don't!"
Tertia: i dont want to be her cycle buddy, it worked out pretty crap the last time
Julie: you and i are stuck with each other, looks like.
Julie: where else could we find other buddies with a similarly shitty attitude?
Tertia: it would be so nice to go through the whole pg with someone
Julie: i will do my level best.
Tertia: good for you. god, i feel nervous even saying that out loud
Julie: how fucked up is that?
Julie: totally.
Tertia: i know
Tertia: sad. v sad
Julie: we are damaged and weird.
Julie: but very, very sexy.
Tertia: totally. but not our fault
Julie: and funny as all get out.
Tertia: and clever
Tertia: dont forget clever
Julie: how could i?
Tertia: so sexy, clever and funny - what more do you want???
Julie: BABIES.
Julie: stupid.
Tertia: oh yes
Tertia: oops

Julie: is it too early for me to be feeling cravings...for codka?
Julie: vodka, damn it.
Tertia: LOL
Tertia: drunk already
Julie: it calms the baby down.
Tertia: i'll have a double codda
Tertia: codka
Julie: shut up, bitchface.
Tertia: fuck, can't even get it right
Julie: ha!
Julie: you suck as much as i do.
Tertia: at least am not drunk bitch like you
Julie: i thought you were mocking my typo.
Tertia: no, am geniunely stupid
Julie: i am a drunk bitch crack whore.
Julie: no wonder i'm pregnant.
Tertia: exactly. however, you did not shag in back seat of car
Julie: how do you know?
Julie: how do you know we weren't getting it on five minutes after retrieval?
Tertia: cos you are infertile
Julie: i am SUB-fertile.
Julie: so surely there will be five or six "oops" pregnancies in my future.
Tertia: you are SUB-versive
Julie: i am SUB-moronic.
Tertia: SUB-normal?

Tertia: nervous now. want scan now. want to see h/b. want live baby now
Julie: hey, i'm the nervous one today!
Julie: don't hog the spotlight!
Julie: you get to be nervous and fearful tomorrow.
Julie: today it's all me.
Julie: so calm the fuck down.
Tertia: ok, your turn. mine tom
Julie: good. it's a date.

Julie: i don't want to go give blood.
Tertia: why not? dont be a baby
Julie: i'm afraid they'll say my hcg hasn't risen enough.
Julie: and i'll be in beta hell.
Julie: aggggh kill me, please.
Tertia: shit, how scary. but if you go and its gone up nicely you'll feel so much better
Julie: true. so i will go. but i'll bitch about it all day.
Tertia: are you going to mark the form clearly this time?
Julie: shithead, that wasn't my fault!
Julie: it was totally THEIR fault.
Julie: the apes they have working in the lab.
Tertia: i know. tee hee
Julie: the phlebotomonkeys.

Tertia: i need a chocolate
Julie: i need a valium.
Tertia: chocolate coated valium
Julie: maybe you could wrap it in bacon, too.
Julie: and serve it in a martini, like an olive.
Julie: served with a two-month coma.
Julie: so i can wake up in week 13, bright and happy.
Tertia: 8 month coma
Tertia: no ok, 7 month coma
Tertia: see, you are going to be all happy from 13w and i am not. not sure if i can be your BF then
Julie: please. you know me well enough to know i will NEVER be happy.

Tertia: slight tingling feeling in boobs. good.
Julie: good! poke them repeatedly. and ostentatiously.
Julie: give your co-workers a thrill.
Tertia: shit, meeting chaps here, fuckers. can't they see i'm busy with personal stuff
Tertia: might speak later, good luck with blood draw
Julie: bye! thanks. eat chocolate.
Julie: poke boobs.
Tertia: not poke cooter?
Julie: that's my job.
Julie: and i take it seriously.