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07/20/2004
Finger up the ass: no extra charge
At last week's scan, a strange thing happened. As I lay on the table being rubbed all over with exotic unguents having my belly gelled up, I realized I wasn't scared and I wasn't excited. I felt only quiet. Patient, almost; calm, certainly — and expectant in the greater sense of the word.
When the midwife had a hard time finding the fetus with the transducer, I wasn't worried, and I didn't panic. Instead I felt this enormous sense of acceptance settle over me. Whatever would be, would be, and I knew I'd somehow be okay with that. I knew that if we didn't see a heartbeat, I would be devastated, of course, but I'd manage. Somehow. Like I have so far. Like all my strong friends have. We don't die from disappointment, much though we might sometimes wish it.
I felt peaceful.
And then we did see the heartbeat, and movement, and I felt excited again, almost elated. That wore off a few days after the scan, but the feeling of peace persisted. It's strange and comforting, and I hope to God it continues. I'm not confident yet. I'm far from fearless. But I've felt weirdly serene in the knowledge that I can take what comes.
Today I am ordering my first installment of maternity clothes. Although at 11 weeks it's way too early for me to be showing, I am, thanks to the diabolical complicity of Messrs. Ben and Jerry. I am well aware that the widening of my waist is due entirely to joyous overeating, since the fetus is now a mere 1.8" long. But whatever the reason, my pants are too small, and they'll only get smaller from here.
Starting later this week, you can expect to find me swaddled in some delightful pastel-colored confection, probably topped with a festive satin bow.
Or, bigger jeans.
The obstetrician put a gloved hand (or several digits thereof) inside my vagina to look for her lost car keys. Not finding them there, she apparently decided my rectum was the next most likely spot. Only after repeatedly clenching my sphincter failed to produce a telltale jingling did she grudgingly admit she'd probably left them up someone else's ass by mistake.
Today the doctor tried to hear the heartbeat with the fetal Doppler, but could hear only my heartbeat. She tried to locate it with a transabdominal scan, but could find nothing. "We'll have to do this the other way," she said.
The other way. The good way.
Again, this feeling of calm. I knew we might have trouble hearing the heartbeat with the Doppler because my uterus is extravagantly retroverted. I wasn't surprised that we couldn't see much with the transabdominal transducer because the nurse had had me empty my bladder. I didn't assume the worst. I lay patiently, splayed, admiring my own serenity, while the doctor sheathed the probe with a lubricious-sounding snap.
Heartbeat: strong. Face: one. Head to the left, legs to the right, feet on the end as expected.
I was moved, of course, and thrilled. But more than anything, I wanted to take my child's chin lovingly in my hand — look at me, please, when I'm talking to you — and, in a firm but gentle tone, ask the little bastard where he's put the hamster.
Come February, someone's going to have a hell of a lot of explaining to do.
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If you weren't pregnant.. some would call that a fun date.
And Julie... Julie Julie Julie... Girl I can make you that dress for FAR less than $145. Bow included.
Oh, he's beautiful! Wear your maternity clothes with style and pride, and be at peace.
And I agree, that does sound like a fun date.
Congratulations!!
I agree way to expensive,
They make a lot of sleeveless maternity clothes (strapless is a whole other level) and I have never figured out why other than it is some horrific diabolical scheme to make pregnant women look like small Goodyear blimps. I live in Miami to make matters worse. Anyhow, I know there are a scant few who can wear that stuff, but as for me, MY ARMS LOOKED LIKE HUGE SAUSAGES and it made me madder than hell!! Glad I got that off my chest.
Good night and sleep well. Told you, hearing that heartbeat is almost more comforting than the scan. The sound just stays with you. I am so happy.
S.
Eeee hehehheeeeee Eeee!!!
[gleeful noises, in case you can't tell]
I told you it wasn't a hamster. Just a mini-Julie dressed in camo.
What a beautiful baby!!! And dude any real pregnant woman is going to look like an EASTER EGG in that dress .. lol .. sorry just had to say it.
What a beautiful baby!!! And dude any real pregnant woman is going to look like an EASTER EGG in that dress .. lol .. sorry just had to say it.
Wow! Gorgeous baby picture. That place of peace sounds like a great place to be.
Crying, crying, crying joyful tears over that very lovely scan, Honey.
Crying over your bad taste in maternity wear as well.
I'm sick and tired of coming to read these blogs and crying every damn time. Sniff.
Your baby is absolutely beautiful. Just beautiful. Sigh.
Maybe it was the hamster the OB was looking for in your ass?
Oh, what a beautiful babe!
Eeeeeeee! Eeee! Eeee! (dolphin noises)
Look at the size of that babies head? And his little arm buds flailing and kness all bent up? Perfection no?
Now, what about a ticker?
Oh Julie, he/she is so beautiful! Especially now that it's shed all that hamster hair.
About the dress: please don't.
I am so grateful that you are finally at peace. In a good, above the earth kind of way. Peace to the three of you : )
Hi - I'm 16 weeks ahead of you and delightedly rooting for your pregnancy every day.
The getting "fatter" without "showing" is actually typical at 11 weeks. Don't give Ben and Jerry the credit. You are pregnant! I am a averagely thin person and carried a spare tire around my abdomen from about 10 to 17 weeks until it started to look "pregnant". Also, whatever fits you for the next 10 weeks will be too small later. So shop wisely and don't be embarassed to buy big. It will last longer. Your scan looks great. Very human-like!
Yeah! I'm happy for you. Only 29 weeks to go! Almost half way there. How fun.
Just think. In about two weeks you will HEAR that heartbeat without needing to see it. The amazing cloppity-cloppity-cloppity galloping of your beautiful baby's heartbeat. YAY!
Like someone else said, don't give Ben and Jerry the credit for the extra poundage. Your body is slapping it on like mad now in preparation for when your baby is much bigger. A coworker of mine called it "the fat girl stage" (you're outgrowing all your clothes but you don't yet look distinctly pregnant), but screw that. It's beautious and dignified.
I know this sounds bizarre, but if you are desperate and pants are getting snug wear them backwards. Works when getting back home after the baby is born-- just wear the maternity pants backwards!
of course this will only work for a certain look-no fly or pockets--- and not jeans thank you!
I was just about to ask Susan... "now how the hell am I gonna be able to zip up my ass?" when I saw her second post.
Its a beautiful picture!!!! I can't believe how much like a real baby it looks. Hope mine looks like that too, so far its just a blurry blob. Or two. Cos you know two are .........
I also can NOT believe you didn't mail me to my cell yesterday you asshole. Woke up this am at 5am, rushed to switch my phone on and no msg from you. Ta for the cortisol rushing through my veins. Buddy.
Julie
Its a baby!!! Breathtaking isn't it? There is a little human in there!
Target and Gap for maternity clothes.
So sorry the hamster seems to have gone missing. Very glad that Julie Jr. seems to be doing well.
Promise you won't buy that dress. Promise. K? K.
Congrats!
Pash! don't listen to them! Wear the strapless, bow adorned polka-dot thing if you want to.. when you are pregnant is probably the ONLY time you should/would be able to get away with it!
p.s.. ur little one looks wonderful!
The baby is beautiful and it does look like a real baby this time. Whatever happened to the hamster, I'm sure he enjoyed his time in your uterus.
Gorgeous! And the dress too (ha ha... not!). Be sure to get the blue ribbon, like it says, if you find out you're having a boy! Sheesh.
::delurking:: Beeeyoooteeful Baby!!!! Many smiles and congrats to ya.
I'm sitting hear reading and looking at that u/s picture and crying like someone just told me it's mine.
Julie...
Julie, Julie, Julie...
The anal finger fucking and subsequent u/s couldn't happen to a nicer gal.
xo
Liz
P.S. - They didn't happen to find my daytimer in there, did they? No? Oh, okay, just checking.
Three wee little comments:
1. That's one good looking baby you got there.
2. It is my firm belief that daily consumption of ice cream during pregnancy results in a sweet-natured child. Eat up.
3. Clothing assvice: drawstring pants (sans elastic, thank you) are perfect for this stage, and by pushing them lower under your belly will continue to fit throughout the second trimester. Even better, they'll still fit in your first few weeks postpartum, when you'll be hellbent not to put on your maternity pants again but way too poufy of belly for y_defregular jeans.
Finally: yay!
I don't even remember how I found this site...I think through www.dooce.com.
I have read through most of it and I have to say today's post filled me with so much grace and wonder.
Sometimes I feel like a cheater because I started reading this site right after your trip to New York, and so I have not been around during the hard times...the REALLY hard times. But your candor and wit are inspiring and I am so happy, hopeful, and tentatively overjoyed...and proud of you for representing this experience and the thousands of women like you so truthfully.
Aw, look at the little squirt. How cute is that? Yay!
I, too, assumed the OB was looking for the hamster up your bunghole. My bad.
Loved the links today. First the dress. You did manage to find both the ugliest and most sentimental piece of maternity wear on the internet, didn't you. Switch the bow????
And the ultrasound. What a difference a week makes at this stage. That is one gorgeous fetus!
First and most important - Congrats on the continued good news and the beautiful ultrasound!
Second - The B & J culprits aside, its totally normal to get "thick" in the waist but not show late in the 1st trimester. I had to give up my "just fitting in to this darn smaller size" jeans and move into my "I thought my days in this size were over" jeans around the 10 week mark. Best advice though - since trust me - those maternity clothes are going to just swim on ya until you get a bit more poochy belly going - find drawstring and elastic waist pants/skirts/what have you. You'll appreciate it when hit those post-pardum "What do you mean I can't fit into anything that isn't still screaming maternity clothes!" phase.
Julie -- love reading your updates. Would someone actually pay to wear that dress?! Congrats again!
Julie -- your baby is beautiful!
That face! And cheeks! *sigh* February is much too far away.
And I'm glad I'm not the only one ballooning thanks to ice cream. It's just mandatory. What can you do?
I haven't been here in awhile, I'm so happy that your pregnant, I really am. Congratulations.
How neat!! I could actually see it! Whe I had my ultrasound with my second, it was totally unreadable and they only did one. That's so cool! I never understood how something so small could make me so big!!!
Yay Julie! I am so happy for you.
The hamster ran away with the keys.
Joyous overeating of B&J's - a great way to provide calcium for the baby. Think of your waist as the first of your motherly sacrifices for the well-being of your little one.
I'm sure glad you pointed out which end is the head and which is the feet -- 'cause i sure can't tell. You'd think with all my years of Cooter Cam experience, i'd be a certified U/S tech by now.
*raising glass of non-alcoholic beverage* Cheers on the your little bean!
P.S. I think you should dress as outrageously as possible (that hideous easter egg dress is a real winner), totally Ann Taylor meets Talbots -- and then blame the temporary absence of good taste of your hormones.
Dear Julie:
There's nothing better than that feeling of peace. I'm about two weeks ahead of you. And yes , our fetus has gone from a hamster to a teddy-bear to a ...BOY. Yes we saw the penis and we were duly proud of its size. I've seen so many of these Ultrasound pictures though, that everytime I have one of my own being done , I have to look down to my belly to make sure it's REALLY ME they're scanning.
And the weight gain, well, last week I had a patient ask me if I was pregnant 'coz "YOUR BOOBS HAVE GOTTEN SO HUGE". It was just a little embarassing. In fact, I've already gained 12 lbs and I'm only 14 weeks... (YYYKES). My old clothes feel horrible. And maternity clothes are expensive only in price but cheap in taste, fabric and style...YUK. I baught a bunch of basics on EBAY from their gap maternity stuff for about 10-20 dollars a piece. My patients also love Old Navy maternity stuff too.
Keep on growin' !!!!
Happy that the baby is doing well.
But VERY concerned about the mere possibility of any mentally sane woman wearing that dress.
Perhaps for entertainment sake buy dress and take pics to post.
Such a cute little fetus! He looks just like you -- your eyes, your chin, your -- uh, no, he got that from his father!
That baby of yours is absolutely gorgeous! Congratulations with a festive satin bow on top.
Um, also, I'm so sorry about the anal probing.
Eleven weeks is definitely not too early to not fit into your clothes. Started for me at ten weeks. Now at 13 weeks, maternity clothes it is. Although, were it not for the maternity clothes, people would think I needed to lose a little weight around the belly. At least with the maternity clothes, it's obvious what's going on. Gotta love the fat belly look--though it is amazing how a little person so tiny can wreak so much havoc on a body.
Yeah for you!! I too, had my first abdominal u/s this morning - i had the same feeling of fear, then elation when we saw the ilttle arm/fin wave at us (or kind of flap up and down). My doc said you can't hear the heartbeat till 13 weeks. I hit 12 weeks today, but i moved up 2 sizes a few weeks ago. I'm only showing in my living room shoving my belly in front of dh - but for me, that's enuf!
Just found your site. I'm in beta limbo hell after IVF after 2 miscarriages, 4w5d, with no real symptoms, just freaking out waiting for 2nd beta results today... waiting for the phone to ring so I can have the "it doesn't look good" chat with the RN and be done with it already.
Anyway, you're beautiful for keepin it real. And your fetus is beautiful too. Best of luck,
Dana
Beautiful scan, Julie. And that's a... uh... nifty dress, too.
Yay for non-hamster fetuses! Fetii? Anyway. Damnit. Again with the drawbacks of adopting .. I could never get away with a dress like that. Or the advantages ... I'll never have to get away with a dress like that! Anyway, mega congratters.
Oh, blessings to you. That picture makes my heart sing.
What a good looking kid! And oh, that dress! I don't know how anyone could wear that seriously. I've come to the decision that maternity clothes are a total rip-off. If you want anything that looks half-way decent you'll end up paying out the ass for it. And you're going to wear it for what, 5, 6, months, tops. Less if the seasons change. I got through my pregnancy with a few pairs of maternity jeans, t-shirts and cardigans (when it was cold). I just did laundry very frequently to make up for the fact that I only had about four different outfits. There may also be some consignment stores 'round you. Some of the childrens' consignment stores here also sell maternity clothes.