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07/01/2004
Goofs
The other night I found myself transfixed by an episode of Law and Order. Actually, I wasn't truly transfixed; I was so awash in torpor that I could scarcely raise the remote control. Actually, I wasn't awash in torpor; I was immobilized by the hypnotic rhythmic bobble of Sam Waterston's head. But that's not important right now.
What's important is that I was watching Law and Order, an episode called "Scrambled." The episode opens with a woman lying conscious on a gurney, husband smoothing back her sweat-dampened hair, while an off-screen doctor's voice counts, "11...12...13...your ovaries are nice and supple."
Egg retrieval.
The husband is then instructed to go "do his part" — "There are magazines," the doctor kindly informs him, then returns to his delicate ovum-plucking.
We soon learn that in this elite fertility clinic, an embryologist has been killed by an intruder who has invaded the lab, conked her on the head with a tank of liquid nitrogen, and emptied a bunch of frozen embryos into the stainless steel sink.
Hilarity subsequently ensues.
As the minutes passed and the case unfolded, I found myself getting more and more incensed. I get so angry when I see the inaccuracies that riddle any dramatic treatment of infertility. This episode alone included the following egregious errors:
- Lieutenant Van Buren confides that her sister pursued fertility treatment. Detective Curtis, who is opposed to assisted reproduction, suggests, "Maybe she just wasn't meant to have a baby." Van Buren does not seize the nearest blunt instrument and cave in the side of his skull with a single powerhouse blow.
- The husband of the patient in the opening scene is lovingly soothing her instead of a) chewing his fingernails past the bloody quick; b) loudly and self-importantly fielding business calls on his cell phone in the waiting room; or c) worrying aloud about whether he'll be able to achieve erection and orgasm on demand.
The patient is a) fully conscious; b) entirely lucid; c) in no apparent discomfort; and d) not raving deliriously about the desperate crush she has on the doctor who is, even now, perforating her vagina with dozens of tiny needle holes.
- The receptionist at the top-tier fertility clinic is warm and friendly, with a comforting motherly air. One gets the distinct impression that she returns calls promptly and passes messages on accurately.
- A couple have a daughter as the result of IVF. Nine years after her birth, they appear to have recovered entirely from the emotional and financial strain.
- Briscoe works with grim determination to ejaculate into a cup. Because Jerry Orbach is a consummate actor, his penis is convincing, responding to his panicked manual blandishments with realistic sluggishness, but the cup is marked with measurements in hectares instead of the more conventional mL/cc.
Additionally, the room in which he is sequestered includes no toilet.
I don't know about you, but I demand more realism from my courtroom dramas.
Comments (25)
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You crack me up! I just found your blog today and have been sucked in like the suction in my toilet bowl (is that a bad comparison?)! Anyway, I will continue to follow you and Congrats on your pregnancy!
From one infertility patient to another-God Bless!
Hattie
Well - I vowed never to post this - but here goes.
As a producer, I receive numerous queries from writers - well, really, like hundreds a week, all of them wanting to have their stories made into feature films and television movies. Maybe 3 are good - all year.
Anyway...
Not too long ago I received a query about a woman who desperately wants to have a child but she's single. Time is running out because - are you ready for this - her doctor has informed her that she only has one egg left. Yes. ONE. EGG. LEFT. Her doctors knows this. For a fact.
Well, normally, if I'm passing on something, I just send back a pleasant note saying, "We're not interested, thanks." But, I really - well, I COULD NOT let this one go without saying something.
So I sent back a note saying, "Here's why I'm passing - if you want to make a movie like this, there are so many MILLIONS of people in the world dealing with fertility issues, ALL of whom will know that this COULD NEVER HAPPEN. EVER.
She wrote back saying that she had done her research and that she knew her film, while expecting people to somewhat suspend their disbelief (um, yeah, YA THINK??!!) was plausible.
I thanked her for her time, not wanting to break from professionalism to tell her of my personal situation, and called it a day.
I get SO PISSED OFF when I see this stuff. I mean, if you're gonna write it? WRITE IT RIGHT!!
So if any of YOU want to write a fertility movie? Let me know - I'm all over it. 'Cause at least I know you'll fucking get it right.
End of rant.
Oh, Julie? I had to stop watching Law and Order because after all that Sam Waterston conversation (wasn't that you, or was it another blog - it's all a big, fertiliblog blur) I couldn't stop laughing at him!
I am a Law & Order junkie...watching it right now as a matter of fact. But the particular episode you discussed I turned off after the "maybe she wasnt meant to have a baby" comment. Thoguhts, although I know are WRONG, I sometimes consider myself...It just pissed me off to hear it coming from someone elses mouth!!
There is another lawyer show called THE PRACTICE (recently laid to rest, and you'll see why) that portrayed a birth that was so unrealistic that I nearly birthed my own ovaries in outrage. This lawyer chick is extremely pregnant, and she's wandering around all day like normal person, occasionally throwing in how she's "feeling a little crampy." Well, at the end of the show, just as the critical case is coming to verdict and the judge dramatically requests the "ALL RISE", Preggy stands up, screams, and we're treated to a vision of a gush of clear water bursting from under her skirt. She then drops to the floor, and the heroic defendant runs over and orders her to "PUSH! HARD!" Next thing we know, "WAHHHH!!!" "IT'S A BOY! AND PERFECTLY CLEAN! NO BLOOD, NO WHITE VERNIX, AND OH, I GUESS THAT THERE PLACENTA WILL JUST GET REABSORBED IN A MINUTE OR TWO..."
Don't get me started on Friends adoption story line.
"Oh look twins! Do we want both? I have to think about this. Okay, we will take both. By the way, thanks birthmom, have a good time at summer camp. See ya."
Gee I missed Lenny with his pal the semen cup. Ewwwwwww.
LISA! Yes!!! Oh my god - I was SEETHING!!!
She didn't know there were two??!!!
And then they bring them home, after all those months of waiting, and they spend NO time holding them, and they bring them home that night, that moment??? OH MY GOD!!! I am enraged all over again.
I've often heard people talk about TV shows, movies, books, etc. in reference to infertility- pointing out flaws, misconceptions, and out and out lies. It wasn't until this diagnosis was thrust upon my husband and me that it really sunk in. I could have seen the movie or show that they were speaking of and never have even realized that that part of it existed. Like this Law & Order your referencing, I'm sure I probably saw it, but it didn't strike me any differently than any other episode. Now I'm picking up stuff like that all the time. It's amazing how life altering a shift in perspective can be.
Not to mention... on friends.... they took the babies home IMMEDIATELY after birth. Like within an hour. ROFL.
"The receptionist at the top-tier fertility clinic is warm and friendly, with a comforting motherly air. One gets the distinct impression that she returns calls promptly and passes messages on accurately."
Ha
Ha-ha!
Hahahahhahahaha!
1. Please, for the love of God, tell me you made up the one about Briscoe and The Cup.
2. Speaking of Friends, who can forget Phoebe's transfer? Where she was left alone in the OB's office with an open petrie dish full of embryos?
3. Sorry, I lost my train of thought... can't stop thinking about Briscoe and The Cup.
4. There was some movie starring Greg Kinnear and Lauren Holly as an infertile couple... I'm sure it was bad beyond compare, I never bothered to watch it... but I did hear that to collect sperm, she gave him a blow job with an ice cube in her mouth to keep it cold.
5. Do you ever wonder what other personal tragedies are portrayed so ridiculously, and we just don't know it?
I was watching too! I was screaming at the tv! Uh - why would the husband in the opening scene need to be told where the room was and that there were magazines??? Are they really going through egg retrieval and this is the first time he's had to SPANK IT??!!!
Also every couple doing ART in that episode was portrayed as effing crazy. Wanting your dead husband's baby, wanting your dying daughter's eggs saved so you can make a grandchild later, being over 60 and wanting a baby. There were no just plain old normal infertiles. It just made the ART process and it's users look creepy and weird.
Other tragedies and illnesses are portrayed badly. Like asthma, for instance, which I have and know a lot about... and have consequently been treated with contempt by *doctors* who have decided that women get asthma as a way to "get attention" and I was patronized so much that my condition deteriorated into COPD (Chronis Obstructionary Pulminary Disease) and I nearly died in ICU before getting a referral for a lung specialist who has literally changed my life. No more fear to go outside!
But my step-dad works in the movie and tv industry as a historical consultant and he says Hollywood NEVER listens to specialists. They say "oh, no, I'm sorry, in the Civil War, they had to RELOAD the guns and it takes about 2 - 5 minutes" and hollywood says "but it's more dramatic with machine gun fire!"
I suppose we all have to sort of bite our mental tongue and remember that it's supposed to be entertainment and not education.
I saw the same episode. As to one of the inaccuracies you point out, it is possible to be lucid and awake during retrieval. My RE gives his patients the choice between being unconscious during the retrieval or being awake via epidural (conscious sedation). Therefore, that part is possible.
As for the comment made by Curtis, I am equally surprised why Van Buren did not beat the crap out of him.
One inaccuracy you did not notice is the fight over the frozen embryos. Even before we start a cycle, we have to sign forms as to what to do with left over embryos in the case of death or divorce. Both clinics I have been to will not proceed without that document. They would never have become part of the “assets” during a divorce.
Oh and what about the lady being interviewed by Briscoe and Curtis that just wanted to freeze her eggs for future use because she was not ready to have children yet. Hello, according to a couple of RE's, the technology is not that advanced that one can freeze just an egg (oocyte), it has to be fertilized (i.e. and embryo) in order for it to survive the deep freeze.
As Liz said, "if you're gonna write it? WRITE IT RIGHT!!"
Oh, and what about the ER episode where a woman went into a coma from fertility medications. It turned out she was donating her eggs for, get this, the ridiculous sum of $86,000!
Ah, Jodi, I've been under conscious sedation! And you know what? I was awake, and I suppose you could say I was lucid after a fashion, but I was also high as a motherfucking kite. I hope my medical team enjoyed the a cappella Steely Dan concert...
And, because I was curious, I checked the papers we signed about cryopreservation prior to this last cycle. Imagine my surprise:
"In the event of divorce or dissolution of the marriage, the ownership and/or other rights to the preembryos will be as directed by the court decree."
So that part, at least, is remotely accurate. Remotely.
The only half decent book/movie about infertility is based on Ben Elton's book "Inconceivable" (can't remember name of the movie) which I read while laid up after EPU and t/f. Was a little worried at some points that I was going to laugh my little blasts out of place.
Ben Elton and his wife have two children from a number of years of IVF treatment in the UK. The book has a vaguely implausible sub-plot but the IF bits are true to form and very very funny.
Which should NOT be confused with a heinous little movie, also called INCONCEIVABLE, starring no one you've ever heard of except maybe Mo Gaffney.
It's this one here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0137835/
And has the worst log line EVER for a movie:
"Eve Jacobs' Biological Clock Just Became A Ticking Time Bomb!"
Really bad. Seriously...really really really bad.
I promise you, I didn't make any of these movies or television shows. I'd do it way better!!
Friends drove me mad. How about the fact that Rachel and Ross's baby was NEVER, EVER around? Even when both parents were in the scene? And Rachel of course had her figure back in 2 weeks. How about the fact that Emma was TWO in the last season because the baby was born 2 years ago, and they said she was one, and Rachel put her to bed in Joey's apartment with a BABY MONITOR and went next door? How come OUR kids are ALWAYS IN OUR FACE? I guess we just have more annoying kids than poor little Emma.
Rey Curtis is, I think, the most sanctimonious, obnoxious, close-minded main character there has ever been on any "Law & Order." Plus, he's supposed to have three daughters that he conceived effortlessly. So they picked their token "fertility treatment is evil!" character well.
Jodi, there are a few clinics that offer oocyte freezing now, and there has been at least one baby born from a frozen egg. However, it's sort of at the Russian Roulette stage -- you pay thousands of dollars to freeze eggs that MIGHT survive and MIGHT be fertilizable. I'm single and over 30, so I've been following this rather avidly. :) Now, I don't know if this was the case back when this episode was filmed, but I remember reading about it for the first time a few years ago...
That sounds hilarious - in a sick way. I think I should have watched it just for the laughs.
In defense of a very few receptionists, though - the one at my clinic is really very nice; we've had some good conversations. (God knows I've spent enough time hanging around there). Doesn't help much when you're crawling in to find out if you've been canceled yet, but it doesn't hurt either.
Why do they say it's impossible to really sedate you for egg-retrieval here in the Netherlands? They give you some pill to make you care less but it doesn't ease the pain. I hit the ceiling the first time that needle punched me.
So I would expect the woman to yell and moan and even cry. And no way the husband leaves the room while they're still retrieving!
Still, it's OK they made this silly mistakes. It gave you the opportunity to give your hilarious comments which can make us all laugh again.
Julie - I didn't realize that not all clinics have you sign paperwork prior to your retrieval regarding any leftover embryos. I would think the clinis would think ahead to avoid these kinds of fights.
Marion - Thanks for the update. I was aware that freezing your eggs was a crapshoot, but I didn't think it was actually being used. I hope the technology gets better in the future.
No, no, we did sign consents! The clause I quoted was from the form. Apparently in the event of the divorce the court does make a disposition about embryos. Who knew?
I just saw a great movie about infertility on Lifetime called "Inconceivable." It stars the hilarious Mo Gaffney. It is about a woman who is about to turn 40 and decides she wants to get pregnant but can't.
It is a great combination of humor and heart-warming scenes.
For someone who has been trying to get pregnant for 3 years, it was great to laugh at some of the crazy situations you encounter when going thru
ART's.
Just encountered your blog and have now finally stopped laughing (I lost track after about 12 minutes). Went back to your 7/1/04 "Goofs" posting and thought all y'all might get a kick out of this one:
In Hollywood's infinite wisdom, the powers that be have created a "Nip/Tuck-esque" show on fertility called. . . (wait for it, wait for it). . . .
"Inconceivable"
No, I'm not kidding--check it out:
http://www.nbc.com/NBC_First_Look/newseries/inconceivable/
And. . . . guess what (again)?
Angie Harmon (on the latest "Law & Order") will be one of the stars!
Kind of a ironic rub considering the previous L&O blunder.
Next thing you know they'll cast Paris Hilton as an embryologist! (shiver)