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07/12/2004
If you meet the Buddha brandishing an ultrasound wand, kill him
Yesterday when I was fretting about not having had an ultrasound in weeks, weeks!, Paul said something deeply comforting.
He said, "But a scan only makes you feel better about the past. It can't tell you anything about the future. It would only tell you that everything's gone okay so far. It just means nothing's gone wrong yet."
Look, we already know I'm twisted, but I can explain why this statement, alarming on its face, put my mind more at ease.
We know from hard experience that an encouraging scan doesn't preclude bad things from happening later. Although it can suggest eventual success, it can't reliably predict it; it can only dependably predict failure.
We also know that although a scan makes me feel good for the next day or so, the fear returns shortly thereafter, peaking in the 12 hours immediately before the next scan.
And we know, unfortunately, that if something bad is going to happen (and I know I need not translate), there is, at this point, nothing we can do to prevent it.
Any reassurance we may get is fleeting and ultimately immaterial. Any belief that it's better to know sooner rather than later, a belief I intermittently embrace with varying degrees of fervency, is, at best, debatable. Any feeling of control is an illusion.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I truly did find this quasi-Buddhist realization comforting. I am rocketing toward enlightenment at such dizzying speed, I'm feeling a little bit queasy. Next stop: topknot, big earlobes, and the ultrasoundhi mudra.
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I totally agree--that's a very comforting statement. I'm in, I think, that two week wait between scans, and I'm thinking a lot about how all kinds of things could be happening down there and I wouldn't know.
But he's right--it won't tell me the future, only the past. Thanks for sharing that. It helps.
Paul truely is your soul mate
Please add to the long list of help you have provided to others through your blog: saving me $34.95. I have been teetering on the brink of renting a doppler, as I've been having all kinds of u/s withdrawals after being released from my RE to an OB, who is not so wand-happy. After entertaining brief thoughts of "why know? why ruin your day/vacation...if something's wrong you'll know eventually..." then chasing them away, I think I shall embrace them. Buddha is right- wait, did Buddha say it, or was that Paul? Anyways, I'm going to go about my business until (if/when) I'm forced to do otherwise.
We also know that although a scan makes me feel good for the next day or so, the fear returns shortly thereafter, peaking in the 12 hours immediately before the next scan.
*nod* it's like a drug, man. You just sit waiting for it to wear off and then jonesing for the next hit.
And for control freaks, the illusion of control is doubly coveted.
I hope this doesn't sound cliche, but what I learned to do during my pregnancy was to just enjoy that moment and to think to myself that I *was* having time with my baby, even though it was "unformed".
The truth is that we're always "unformed". At first the baby is a fetus and "not yet complete"...but is it complete after it's born? Hardly. Anything that shits itself and can't see farther than 24 inches away. Is not formed. But that doesn't mean we don't love a newborn baby.
How about at a year old...is the baby fully formed then? No...he's still quite a little bugger, just barely toddling around on his own feet. His speech is very limited.
And so on...and on...and on...
Your baby IS your baby, right now, right this very second, and you ARE spending time with your baby (albeit blindly, unless you happen to have a glass pane on the front of your abdomen). Even after your baby is born, you never know what can happen (I hate saying or even thinking that...) you NEVER know what will happen to your baby...to you...to your grandma...to the mailman...your dog....all you can do is spend time with that person (or animal :) ) right now, love that person right now.
I had to think that way because my pregnancy was constantly in danger. This time, with Colin (as with Joey way back when), it ended with a live birth. Three other times, it did not. But even after those "live births"...nothing is over. My children are still growing and developing. I love them for who and what they are *right now*. I don't expect guarantees although I selfishly have to admit that I'd love a few. :)
I think "Rocketing Toward Enlightenment" would be a good tag line for...something. Maybe a rocket-shaped vibrator.
Yay Paul. And yay you, too. Anything that calms yer mental roiling makes me happy.
I love our husband.
Your husband is wise.
I love him, too. IMs with him this afternoon:
Julie: how is it that i can be, you know, pregnant, and still feel this perfectly-mostly-almost-entirely-fine?
Julie: it's WEIRD.
Paul: I thought all you were supposed to feel was a slight and becoming glow
Julie: that's the second trimester, known as the golden trimester.
Julie: this trimester i'm supposed to feel like shit.
Julie: there's this PARASITE sapping my LIFE-FORCE! depleting my PRECIOUS ESSENCE! shouldn't i, you know, NOTICE?
Paul: Good thing you're not tired at all
Julie: but that's not feeling BAD.
Julie: it's just TIRED.
Julie: apparently pregnancy is predisposing me to flagrant overuse of caps.
Paul: SYMPTOM!!!!
Listen to your master, Julie.
Happy to see you´re one step closer to Enlightment :-)
Grrl, I just spit water all over my keyboard when I read your comment. I'd been wondering since yesterday's post, and now I know the truth, hehee.
Go Paul, go!
You two. Too wise. Truly.
and you're damn funny, to boot.
Julie - I was so struck (and amused) by your IM conversation with Paul. Please forgive one more tedious reference to my own irrelevant experiences (and the inanity that comes with writing this at 5.30am while my youngest child watches the Wiggles behind me and I stoke up on coffee)...but we seem to be pregnancy twins! Crazy-making first trimesters involving early spotting and otherwise feeling entirely - and bewilderingly - normal. Not shitty in the slightest. All the 'What to Expects' freaked me out with their talk of how I *would* be experiencing breast soreness, breast changes, extreme tiredness, yada yada. Something must be wrong, right?!?
Thinking of this on reading the above reminded me of a passage from 'The Mask of Motherhood' by Susan Maushart, which I re-read frequently during the first trimester (sadly, it was about the most comforting thing I could find):
"...the fifty percent of pregnant women who never experience morning sickness often feel obscurely cheated. They may also be worried, on the mistaken assumption that sickness signals a healthy embryo. 'I don't feel pregnant at all!' they complain, as if there is a right and a wrong way of 'feeling pregnant'. There is almost a social obligation to experience some level of illness, if the pregnancy is to achieve legitimacy. I know one woman who was referred by her GP to a specialist because, four weeks after a positive pregnancy test, she showed no 'symptoms' of pregnancy. She didn't feel sick, or tired, or bloated, or irrational. She felt great - so both she and her doctor began to worry. Pregnant women are supposed to feel pregnant - and, in the first trimester at least, 'feeling pregnant' is supposed to equate with 'feeling unwell'."
Not sure what my point is, but thanks for providing distraction at such a lonely hour of the morning - and I hope that in retrospect, if not now, you can relish a nausea-and-exhaution-free first trimester! Will shut up now.
Wish I had read what Liz posted about seven or eight months ago. Sheesh. I was one of those women who felt like I wasn't valid if I didn't feel ill. What made it spooky, of course, is that the first time I was pregnant I didn't feel pregnant and I WASN'T! (Chem preg, m/c 11 weeks.) So how could I ever trust my body to let me know what was going on?
I couldn't. Hence, the choice: go insane over the lack of reassurances and knowledge of the future, or accept the moment and whatever was really happening there.
May you rocket ever further toward the outer limits of enlightenment.
xoxoxo
Your husband rocks.
Then again, so do you.
Longtime lurker ... Paul is VERY wise. When I checked in recently and you were mentioned wanting another scan, I thought to myself that it only makes one feel better for that moment. It is much wiser to come to philosophical view of things.
You do have a wise husband! There is comfort in having that ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat though. It's such a nice feeling.
Where was your husband when I was pregnant?
Seriously, though, that was a very wise thing to say. He is ultimately right, and embracing that ideology might actually help you enjoy the day-to-day PG a bit more!
What an incredibly intellegent hubby you have yourself!!!
I am not one of those women with no pregnancy symptoms. I can reassure you that you are totally not missing out. However, I figured out a "miracle cure" for me and morning sickness, which is eating a little something at night, before I go to bed.
Great! I don't feel nearly as bad. I can go through the day without nausea. So what's the problem? The problem! If I don't feel like puking, I worry that I'm losing the baby. I can't win! Of course, sanity takes over late at night, and I have myself another bite to eat, before the next day.
My mother, on the other hand, never had a miscarriage and had three perfectly healthy babies. She also never had a speck of morning sickness.
Oh - did I mention how I freak out now, if I don't have to get up at 3am to pee? *sigh*
But what your husband said is wise, wise, wise.
cuye zjfrhi.