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08/25/2004
Bush 2004
My pubic hair began the year held uneasily at bay. As I prepared to embark upon a series of IUIs, I trimmed it carefully to a neat length, less concerned about aesthetics than the very real possibility that the ultrasound probe would get irretrievably entangled if I left my pelt to its own fiendish devices. In my nightmares I saw my doctor calling for a hacksaw to free the expensive transducer from the malevolent clutches of my bush. So I trimmed. More properly speaking, I pruned, with my own hacksaw, in the privacy of my bathroom at home.
The garbage collectors charged me extra that week for the additional bag that I left by the curb.
During the months between March and May, however, I allowed my pubes free rein. Unchceked, my pubic hair reverted to its former glory, and a golden age prevailed (well, a dark brown, springy, kind of wiry age).
But, lo, there was to come a great and terrible yanking.
When I returned to New York for May's IVF, I immediately availed myself of one of the pleasures I'd sorely missed since my departure: an eyebrow wax. And as long as I was being partially denuded, I reasoned, why not go for the full treatment? A bikini wax ensued.
My skin is fair. My hair is dark. My bush is unruly, and resents such intrusions. The delicate skin of my upper thighs immediately broke out in angry pink blotches, blotches that did not abate until a heavy, prickly stubble had taken secure hold of the disputed territory.
Upon retrieval and transfer, the doctors took care to wear Kevlar gloves, lest they lose a finger or two to the razor-sharp booby trap that my crotch had now become. I remain convinced that the only reason I don't have twins is because one of the delicate embryos underwent a panicked lysis the moment it was brought into the same room as my deadly, deadly beaver.
And then we waited. My husband kept a respectful and terrified distance, not because of the proscription on sex during the two-week wait, but because...well, have you ever made love to a Garden Weasel?
Since May, my pubic mat has remained unmolested. It has regained its former exuberance and then some. There have been few noticeable changes to my body so far during pregnancy. One of the more alarming is the ferocious imperialism of my bush. Where it used to be confined to a wider-than-normal triangle at the top of my thighs, it has broken free of the arbitrary bonds imposed upon it by my genetic makeup and colonized the rest of my body, hair by single hair.
I now have a few stray hairs, unmistakably pubic in character, here and there on my breasts. I have several below my navel, not the fine down that normally dusts my belly from button to bush, but strong and kinky settlers, digging in, hardy enough to survive the winter. I have three clustered implacably on my inner thigh, at the midpoint between crotch and knee, marshalling their forces, ready to defend their new hold on the motherland.
I am unprepared to stop it from fulfilling its obvious Manifest Destiny. I can only try to hold it in check within the natural borders of my own body, hoping that like 19th-century American expansionism, it can be eventually contained by insurmountable geographic boundaries.
I dare not sit too close to strangers. Who knows what havoc could arise?
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I don't know which is funnier, this essay? Or the people who stumble upon it googling for election information.
Hee hee hee hee HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
I'm not trying to scare you, but I'm just saying please, let the hairy onslaught be containable lest you end up like this: http://msnbc.msn.com/id/5763610/
I think you may have stumbled upon one of those little-known phenomenon: pregnancy symptoms that only the recovering infertile experience. Sore breasts, nausea? Nah; pubic-hair-covered inner thighs? hell yeah. Forewarned is forearmed: the pubes can and most likely will colonize your inner thighs. Any sort of hair removal is only regarded as a challenge by these renegades. Expect to be wearing capri pants instead of shorts next summer. ;-)
No one told me this could happen!!! Seriously? I'm ready for labor pains, 'roids, gas, whathaveyou, but THIS? Please say it ain't so. Really, no one -- mother, sister, friend -- told me about this. I feel sick.
Today was my first day back to work after a long vacation (I'm a teacher). I sure needed a good laugh.
I can tell you this, I would rather be a bush woman then wax the goods. OUCH!!!
I clicked on the link with extreme trepidation- who knows what I would have found. I think you summed it up rather well though. As for errant pubic hair- as you telling me that those little renegades on my breasts have meant that I've actually been pregnant for the last 20 years? Stupid me!
Oh. my. God.
That was the funniest thing I've read in ages.
I think, maybe, just maybe, I have a pub on my chin.
Cecily
Gee, I am so glad I have read you before. Had I not, I would be concerned about the nature of this very pristine, upstanding blog...LOLOL!!!!!
Too fricken funny!
I'm sorry you are feel a bit out o' control down yonder -- I do suggest tidying up before the Big Day. You'll be on show, as you surely know ;)
Damn, Cecily - wish I had a pub on my chin. Getting drunk after another negative would be so convenient - just pop on over to, well, MY CHIN ;)!
That said.
Julie? Um. I'm ALWAYS that bad. Sucks, don't it??
Oh God, that was freakin' hilarious. I almost spewed my turkey sandwich all over the monitor when I saw Lionel Ritchie. I think mine looks more like Stevie Wonder.
Let the pubes roam free!
i can tell you that Aveda's wax is pretty much the only one that does not cause me to break out in red bloches...after they have finished the waxing, they slather on this beautiful cream that makes all of the red bumps and bloches go away! They (Aveda Salons) are a bit expensive, the beauty and the lack of bumps are well worth it.
The pubic march downward. I feel for ya. Really what is the evolutionary advantage of that? Little Batman isn't exactly going to want to rest on that. Or will he?
I'm nowhere near preggers, but I have a few errant hairs (I don't think they're "pubes", but now I'm re-thinking...) Which is why I have a handy pair of tweezers in my purse at the ready all the time.
I get a sick satisfaction from pulling those errant hairs that pop up where they don't belong. HA!
Little Batman isn't exactly going to want to rest on that. Or will he?
I'm thinking he'll cling resolutely to my pubic escutcheon as I swing through the trees, monkey-style.
Kim, sure, I could pull the hairs...
But there are more of them than there are of me.
I read the title of this blog and thought "Oh Julie! Say it isn't so!"
Thank goodess it was only an entry about your unruly beaver and colonizing pubes! *whew* and far more uplifting to read about too!
You make me giggle like the Pillbury Doughboy! hee hee!
Even more so as I picture the peoples faces as they google "BUSH 2004" and get more than they bargained for!
You ROCK!
BB
I think you should give in and let them turn to dreads.
Love,
Brenda
Ha! Welcome to my world, sister. See, why would I even bother getting pregnant when I already have the full-body bush? And the hemorrhoids?
I think if we hugged each other, we might get stuck, Velcro-like, from neck to knees. Even if we had our clothes on.
OMG...
That was the funniest thing I've read in forever!!!
As a fellow pregger, all I can say is that you are not alone, woman. My nether regions have undergone the same transformation. I've been reluctant to deal with this particular problem because quite frankly, none of the solutions seem to help...
How humiliating when my dear hubby suggested a "trim".
Sigh.
Next time, he carries the fetus.
Thanks for the morning giggle.
Maybe we can find a way to use the bags of trimmed and plucked hairs across the country to protest the election? Just say No to Bush?
Thanks for the morning giggle.
Maybe we can find a way to use the bags of trimmed and plucked hairs across the country to protest the election? Just Say No to Bush?
Makes laser hair removal sound ideal, huh? I wish I could use pregnancy as my excuse for errant hairs. No, I'm just hairy. In fact my husband and I agree that I'm lucky I'm not a man. My dad told me I looked like a monkey when I was born with my full head of hair and a rather hairy back I've been told.
Only the truth is funny, right? Well this is hilarious so it must be the truth. And as the mom of a 1 year-old, I can support every single claim!
HA!
Ok, I have to insert the word "Cheney" into my comment so that we get as many republicans as possible to stumble on this post. LMAO!
The only thing saving me from looking like a modern-day Neandertal is that my hair is light...but if you get real close or the sun catches my legs, the secret is revealed!
This was the funniest thing I've ever heard in. my. life. Pregnancy makes you a walking biology lab, huh?
Just wait 'til you look down at your boobs and your nipples and areola have, overnight, turned black. That's some freaky shit.
I remember this from my pgs. But, I have found trimming to be an effective labor inducement. For both my pgs, I went into labor about a week after I decided I had to trim. My doctor didn't do pelvic exams during pg, and I didn't have to have internal ultrasounds, so my delivery was the first time I was going to be on display, and I decided to prep for it. I will point out that trimming while 9 mo pregnant is a dangerous endeavor :-)
bj
Do you have the linea negra yet? That's the really strange dark line from navel to bush that isn't really hair but a line on your skin. I'm fair, and blond and my youngest is 5 and the line is still faintly there!!!
Oh Zhu-lee!! How dull my life would be w/o your blog!! Thank God you were only talking about your pubes, b/c I really panicked for a minute when I read the title to the post!! Embrace the furriness, sister!! However, I'm sorry (or not) to say that I do not suffer such a problem. In fact, mine have considerably thinned out in the past few years...perhaps I'll be bald "down there" by 35!!
coming out of lurkdom to add -- I was plenty bushy before pregnancy but grateful that it was restricted to that triangle in front b/c waxing is impossible for me due to the sensitive skin/blotchy/rash problem -- dare I say I was even a little self-satisfied b/c my pubic hair didn't wander outside the immediate area?
well pregnancy cured me of that self-satisfaction as well as many others -- I now have hairy thighs and belly, yes, but also a hairy ASS. and all of it appears to be a permanent change.
trimming one's bush is difficult enough -- I hope for your sake you don't have to try trimming your hairy ass crack...
Another lurker (usually) coming out to say that I almost did a spit take on my monitor while reading this. I'm still giggling. Now people are going to wonder why I chuckle when I see "Bush 2004."
Lori's "Just say No to Bush" idea in her comment made me think of the bumper sticker a friend recently saw:
Abstinence in 2004: No Bush, No Dick
I'm thinking he'll cling resolutely to my pubic escutcheon as I swing through the trees, monkey-style.
So then Paul = Tarzan?
This is one of the funniest posts I have read, EVER. You rock my world, bush-mama.
Rumsfeld
(for google)
Aveda wax: $40
What could happen if you sit too close to someone? I guess the hairs could run rampant, a la kudzu, and the person might just disappear under a hair field. Excellent solution for ridding the world of asshats and idiots, one at a time.
Feel well, Sasquatch.
I nearly pissed my pants laughing. This is amazing to read -- such comraderie.
In the South, we don't mention such stuff.
Ya'll rule.
I saw the best bumper sticker a couple of months ago. (I am computer illiterate, so pretend the following is in those fancy-pants italics.)
The only Bush I trust is my own.
It sounds like yours is really starting to assert itself.
Tonya
This would have been funnier if it didn't reflect my own experience. Why doesn't anybody tell us? I thought it was just my imagination that I need a new trim every day.
My recommendation is laser, though. I was making great strides in the bikini/thigh area until I got pregnant. (The laser technician told me she wouldn't treat me while pregnant so I'm losing the battle now.) But I think laser is less painful than waxing and doesn't hurt at all once it's over. With dark hair and fair skin, you're the perfect candidate.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Found your site today. Will probably get fired for reading your posts all afternoon. I can so identify with your journey. Made it all the way from the beginning to 11-04-03 today. Keep it up.
And yet, it will only get worse. Three words: Gray pubic hair.
The garbage collectors charged me extra that week for the additional bag that I left by the curb.
Sister, you just laid out one hell of a verbal riff there. I feel like whooping and clapping the way I would after someone's super tasty sax solo or something.
I am fair, except for my hair, and I will share that I am hairy down there. Also: "skin tags" (little teensy moist tendrils of flesh that pop up in armpits and inner thighs and, really, everywhere) are a symptom of hormones gone wild, and I've now got them all over. Hairy is okay with George (not Bush). Skin tags make him shudder violently. And ya can't shave 'em. [screaming at the thought]
Chris -- yes! As if the ones on our heads aren't weird and unruly enough, they now have to have friends "down under."
I am LMAO here! And I'm at work! Eek.
A question about grey pubes: If the hair on your head goes grey early, do the pubes go grey early too?
Too damn funny. I, too, have a few immigrants on my belly (28 wks pregnant). My husband says I should pluck them.
I think he should be introduced to the medieval torture device, EpiLady, as I remove some of his belly hair.
Conventional wisdom suggests that the more hair a woman grows during pregnancy, the more likely it's a boy. Of course, this sort of speculation is less entertaining when you have ultrasounds.
Bwahaha I love the Lionel pic. No joking, I *just* returned from a bikini wax - swear it. For what it's worth, there seems to be less irritation if the hair's cut down first. I must wax. The razor is my enemy and I just can't vote for Bush. Wierd getting waxed with a fetus floating below, however. Waxologist had to push on my naval to rip the top off and gak.. a small revolt took place below.
I was SO AFRAID to click on the hyperlinks! No telling what i'd see. Thank god it was only your bush on Lionel Richie's head.
What? Women still *have* pubic hair? I thought I was the only one left resisting the dreaded brazillian.
I'm Italian, so the dark, pube-type hairs already almost reach my knees. When I get pregnant, werewolf hunters will probably start coming after me with silver bullets.
Either that, or I'll start harvesting it, sheepstyle, and knit myself a lovely pair of socks.
Really long socks.
Christ, Julie! How'd you keep all that mess tucked inside those cute little cherry underpants?
They don't just spread downwards under gravity.
I've gotta warn you, as your belly starts to bulge, the hitherto confined upper limits of the Great Bush Triangle will be drawn upwards as the distance between your crotch and navel lengthens from sprint to middle distance and then to marathon. Luckily at some point in this continuum you will be unable to see its rampant progression without the aid of mirrors.
After the baby exits, what remains will approximate a bean bag from which half the beans have been removed, and your pubes will become your own little Bermuda Triangle - into which all manner of things are able (and likely) to disappear.
I have also discovered that breastfeeding quite literally "puts hairs on your chest"! Presumably from the constant contact/friction of my nearly 6m old daughter's face/body/groping hands, I now have fine and very fair but never-the-less prickly "designer stubble" over the entire underneath of both breasts.
I am hoping like all hell that when I stop BFing the change in hormone levels causes them all to fall out - rather than the absence of friction stops rubbing them off and I grow a hairy half cup bra!
ha! just wait until your belly gets so big you can't even see down there to do something about it!
I'm 32 weeks in and haven't seen what's going on down there for about 10 weeks. Let's keep it that way. What I don't know, won't hurt me. Just have to wear my husband's running shorts if I go to the pool, so as not to scare the other patrons. At my glucose test, I realized the situation I was in as I tried to pee in the cup, but peed all over the cup instead. Ever since then I've become unafraid of the pee, knowing I can't see to aim (much less shave or trim).