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I'm ready to shut my pie hole now

dough boyLast week in the mail I received the instructions for my gestational diabetes test. I'd read a bit about the test and knew it involved fasting. That didn't concern me at all, since I knew I could depend on my formidable maternal stores for energy. (Come the apocalypse, everyone's invited over to my thighs for a snack. Don't worry, no shoving. There's plenty to go around.)

What I didn't know is that the test also requires the consumption of an entire bakery. In the three days prior to the test, I am to eat not only MY NORMAL MEALS AND SNACKS — underlined and bold in the instructions — but THREE SNACKS A DAY CHOSEN FROM THE LIST BELOW.

Said list includes items like a whole bagel. Two slices of bread. A cup of cooked pasta. A granola bar. A shitload of cooked rice (that's a third of a shitload uncooked, for ease of measuring). A brace of Twinkies, including licking the wrappers. Three tubes of Pringles, eaten in mouthfuls of five stacked chips or more. A big handful of brown sugar, neat.

Um, I made up those last three.

So to get back to the point, I am to consume all MY NORMAL MEALS AND SNACKS and ALSO about five additional pounds of FLUFFY WHITE FOOD per day. This might not be a problem if I weren't already consuming three cups of pasta a day, plus two slices of toast just to remind my pancreas who's boss. As it stands, it is 2:30 PM and I am now full to bursting after only one of MY NORMAL MEALS and one of the mandatory SNACKS.

Last night I had a real dilemma. I'd made a beauty of a pie, apple-ginger with a latticed crust. After dinner, I wanted pie, but I knew I still had ONE MOTHERFUCKING SNACK left on the menu.

Should I have the pie, I wondered, when I knew that pie plus a snack would leave me oozing a partially digested bready paste from every orifice as I lay down to sleep? (For future reference, mechanics of extrusion being what they are, bending in the middle only makes it worse.)

More troubling was the question of whether the pie should be considered a NORMAL SNACK. I have homemade baked goods in the house roughly half of the time, and if they're here, I eat them. Would the pie count, then, as part of my everyday diet, or as extra? How to classify the pie? NORMAL SNACK or NOT AT ALL OPTIONAL, CRAM IT IN, GIRLIE, COOL HAND LUKE-STYLE GLUTTONY?

Stumped, I ate the pie. Two pieces. And the toast. Two slices. With butter.

If I'm going down, I'm going down with all flags flying, all snacks pie-ing, and my poor sad pancreas whimpering in humiliating defeat.