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10/25/2004
I'm ready to shut my pie hole now
Last week in the mail I received the instructions for my gestational diabetes test. I'd read a bit about the test and knew it involved fasting. That didn't concern me at all, since I knew I could depend on my formidable maternal stores for energy. (Come the apocalypse, everyone's invited over to my thighs for a snack. Don't worry, no shoving. There's plenty to go around.)
What I didn't know is that the test also requires the consumption of an entire bakery. In the three days prior to the test, I am to eat not only MY NORMAL MEALS AND SNACKS — underlined and bold in the instructions — but THREE SNACKS A DAY CHOSEN FROM THE LIST BELOW.
Said list includes items like a whole bagel. Two slices of bread. A cup of cooked pasta. A granola bar. A shitload of cooked rice (that's a third of a shitload uncooked, for ease of measuring). A brace of Twinkies, including licking the wrappers. Three tubes of Pringles, eaten in mouthfuls of five stacked chips or more. A big handful of brown sugar, neat.
Um, I made up those last three.
So to get back to the point, I am to consume all MY NORMAL MEALS AND SNACKS and ALSO about five additional pounds of FLUFFY WHITE FOOD per day. This might not be a problem if I weren't already consuming three cups of pasta a day, plus two slices of toast just to remind my pancreas who's boss. As it stands, it is 2:30 PM and I am now full to bursting after only one of MY NORMAL MEALS and one of the mandatory SNACKS.
Last night I had a real dilemma. I'd made a beauty of a pie, apple-ginger with a latticed crust. After dinner, I wanted pie, but I knew I still had ONE MOTHERFUCKING SNACK left on the menu.
Should I have the pie, I wondered, when I knew that pie plus a snack would leave me oozing a partially digested bready paste from every orifice as I lay down to sleep? (For future reference, mechanics of extrusion being what they are, bending in the middle only makes it worse.)
More troubling was the question of whether the pie should be considered a NORMAL SNACK. I have homemade baked goods in the house roughly half of the time, and if they're here, I eat them. Would the pie count, then, as part of my everyday diet, or as extra? How to classify the pie? NORMAL SNACK or NOT AT ALL OPTIONAL, CRAM IT IN, GIRLIE, COOL HAND LUKE-STYLE GLUTTONY?
Stumped, I ate the pie. Two pieces. And the toast. Two slices. With butter.
If I'm going down, I'm going down with all flags flying, all snacks pie-ing, and my poor sad pancreas whimpering in humiliating defeat.
Posted by Julie at 02:52 PM in Jesus gay, I'm pregnant. | Permalink
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Comments (38)
You are so so so so so so funny. Oh, the wit.
Funny funny funny.
Could you direct me to the post about why Lunchables are so darn bad please? After years of pulling moldy, uneaten sandwiches out of my 12 year old's bag I want him to read your rationale.
Thanks
Posted by: Lauren at Oct 25, 2004 3:23:52 PM
Let's get back to reality. You made a pie? Who makes pies?
Posted by: Betsy at Oct 25, 2004 3:31:39 PM
Julie - can we have the pie recipe? Please?
And for tonight, when you want more pie, I would think that you could have it instead of the extra snacks.
Posted by: Mandy at Oct 25, 2004 3:39:05 PM
Go for pie ala mode. The ice cream can be YOUR NORMAL DIET and the pie can count as a SNACK. Plus, you can get a little extra calcium for Batman that way...
Posted by: ValleyGal at Oct 25, 2004 3:48:17 PM
I think all this baking is a substitute for something else sweet you're no allowed to have. Cause really....who does make pies?
Personally I'd rather have the pie than the sex, especially apple. yum yum.
Posted by: K at Oct 25, 2004 4:06:34 PM
Talk about having your cake and, um, having to eat it, too. Can we talk some more about the latticed crust? I am so impressed. Sympathetic, but impressed. I wouldn't know how to bake a pie if the Pillsbury dough boy jumped up and bit me in the ass.
Posted by: barren mare at Oct 25, 2004 4:08:15 PM
Do you guys remember Julie posting a picture of her holiday baking from last year, which filled a countertop? Multiple pies! And all sorts of other stuff. I was awed. The glucose test description on the other hand, made me distinctly queasy. Bleah. I guess you have to follow the directions exactly, if you want a solid answer, right?
Posted by: cherylc at Oct 25, 2004 4:37:01 PM
I stand here cursing you, not because you're pregnant and I'm not but because you are told to eat SUGAR and FLOUR...OMG, what heaven is that! (Goes back to staring at high fiber, tasteless bran thingey that not even someone starving would eat). Just kidding!
Funny entry. Wow, I can't make a very good pie crust. I make great cake though. Ummm, cake...you can have cake, right? :)
Posted by: Emily at Oct 25, 2004 4:49:59 PM
well, you guys are just no fun. I for one can't wait for the day I'm told that I am required to eat all those gooey snacks (the pre-requisite pregnancy notwithstanding). My favorite thing in the world is to make a pan of brownies, cut it into 2 layers like a cake and spread a layer of Baskin Robbins chocolate chip mint ice cream in the middle, replace the top layer of brownie, add french vanilla ice cream and VIOLA! Talk about heaven!
Posted by: susan at Oct 25, 2004 4:53:32 PM
I have gestational diabetes, and right this minute, I envy you a little bit. I want to eat pasta until I explode. Sigh. However, I hope that your test goes well, and that everything else straightens out. You certainly deserve to have a less stressful pregnancy than this.
Posted by: Allison at Oct 25, 2004 5:31:03 PM
I think if you found you've risen to twice your normal volume overnight (covered by a warm, moist dishcloth), it's probably time to stop.
Posted by: Menita at Oct 25, 2004 5:35:10 PM
So, is it bad if that's what my diet currently consists of even though I'm neither pregnant nor preparing for a diabetes test? Good luck with your test, Julie.
Posted by: Amanda at Oct 25, 2004 5:37:43 PM
OH my JULIE!!
First: YUMMMMMMMMMY pie.. *drooling like Niagra Falls*
Second: Did you HAVE to mention Twinkies? Cause now? I'm gonna DREAM about eating them,why? Where I live, NO Fffing TWINKIES! *Sob* You think I joke? I told my mom that I would be happy with a giftwrapped box of Twinkies and perhaps some Hostess Fruit Pies for Christmas. Seriously.
Third: Could you be so wonderfully kind as to send me your recipie for pie crust? Mine is....well, there are really no appropriate words to describe the suckage my dear. Also? Should you have a lovely Julie-esqe recipie for Banana Cream Pie I would be forever grrrrrateful.
Etc: I hope your test comes out fine. I vote for scarfing the pie, personally. BTW, I hope you are proud of me for not ripping troll woman apart the other day. You know how much control it took me. Also? Remember Scarlett, my MIL carpet-shredding cat? I think she says hello, because she is purring and head butting the screen. She must like your blog.
Posted by: Cyn at Oct 25, 2004 5:44:55 PM
I see. So the strategy is to rapidly induce such a violent hatred of starches in you, that now if you have to be taken off them completely, you won't mind anymore?
This is much like my old roommate's theory that everyone's job in the last week before you go anywhere is to annoy the living daylights out of you, so that when you leave you won't miss them.
Hoping for good test results on this, Julie. And on all the other scary things.
Posted by: persephone at Oct 25, 2004 7:32:12 PM
Mmmm pie.
Post the recipe!
Posted by: LisaN at Oct 25, 2004 7:42:11 PM
I can't look at that picture anymore, or I'll die laughing.
Posted by: Stacey at Oct 25, 2004 8:59:41 PM
Your post made me feel so much better today. Thanks!! Please post the recipe for said pie! :)
Posted by: maricar at Oct 25, 2004 9:51:56 PM
Mmmmmmmmmmm...Pie
I only wish there would be day I could eat those things you listed above. Unfortunately, I'd be as big as a house AND the Metformin induced output would be too much to keep up with, if you know what I mean!!!
Posted by: Sherry at Oct 25, 2004 10:31:50 PM
Wow I got gypped! My gestational Diabetes test was a bottle of -really- sweet orange soda that sorta tasted like sunkist and a nurse going 'did you drink water? really your veins are like sludge..are you sure you drank water? Stop whimpering it's not that bad'
You must have surpassed that test and jumped up to the Doughywonderworld Test.
I would congradulate you but you know..it kinda sucks
and yes..we want recipes Baking woman.
Posted by: Magnolia at Oct 25, 2004 10:58:19 PM
Damn! And I had to settle for a store bought latticed pie last night. What's your secret to good crust?
Posted by: Carrie Jo at Oct 25, 2004 11:38:28 PM
HAHAHAHAHA
SAD DOUGHBOY
HAHAHAHAHAHA
SNACK ON THIGHS
HAHAHAHA
I love you.
Posted by: mollie at Oct 25, 2004 11:50:39 PM
You were told to eat snacks before your test? I am amazed. Years ago when I had to take a gestational diabetes test nobody told me what to eat beforehand. Perhaps they figured, given my weight, that I was already eating too many snacks so it wasn't necessary. Perhaps they were right. I flunked that test resoundingly.
If ever I get pregnant again (please God!) and the doctors told me to eat extra snacks before a gestational diabetes test I would think they were trying to flunk me on purpose. But what do I know?
Well, for one thing I know, speaking of flunking tests, that if someone makes a pregnancy test that claims to be accurate five days before you miss your first period, then I will be helpless to do anything but buy the test and use all the sticks in the box before I even get to the first day of said period to find out whether I miss the period or not.
I think it's just a cruel marketing ploy to sell more tests to obsessive, hyper-optimistic freaks like myself. (All the tests say I'm not pregnant, but fool that I am, I won't believe them until it's obvious. Right now I have to sit on my hands to keep from going out and buying another box of tests.)
Posted by: Rhonda at Oct 26, 2004 12:00:35 AM
First of all, that puffy little lump of glee is a licensed trademark and I am going to have to ask you, ma'am, to put down the pie AND STEP AWAY FROM THE DOUGHBOY. Nice and easy, that's right.
Thank you.
Second of all, no man (excuse me, woman) can eat 50 hard-boiled pies, but if you care about your baby and you don't want him/her to DIE I suggest you start trying.
[Yay! We. Score. Another. Prison. Reference!]
Posted by: Julia S at Oct 26, 2004 12:21:46 AM
Yay!!!!!!!! You will get fat too. am so v v happy about that. Can't have you thin and me fat, just wont do.
xxxxxxxxx
Posted by: Tertia at Oct 26, 2004 12:39:33 AM
Let us know how the results are after all your 'sacrifice'! Never had to do THAT test.. just got the gawd awful orange syrup crud that I guzzled down and almost brought right back up.
How far along are you now? When do we get the belly shots?! ;)
Posted by: amy at Oct 26, 2004 12:49:58 AM
Delurking momentarily (though I have no personal connection to the infertility community, who could not love Julie's writing?)...
Personally, my recipe for pie crust is the easiest thing in the world. People've told me it's pretty good. I like it, at least. ;)
1 1/2 cups flour, 1/2 cup shortening. Put flour in bowl, put shortening in bowl, blend shortening with a pastry cutter until the shortening lumps are approximately pea-sized.
Add cold water. The original recipe would have you believe that you add it a tablespoon at a time. Who has time for that? Pour it on, tossing as you do, until your big ball o' pastry is just slightly tacky to the touch, but doesn't actively stick to your finger.
Then go forth and make art! Edible art, I say!
(But don't feed it to Julie, the poor dear.)
Posted by: Teal Toast at Oct 26, 2004 1:18:57 AM
I make the worlds best chocolate cream pie with marainge (ACK I can’t spell it, but you know the whipped egg stuff) topping... It is the best!
It's my MIL's recipe and the crust is always sooo flaky and yummy and the chocolate (made from scratch) is sooo good..
I try not to make it very often because... well.. I eat it.
Umm.. now I want pie.
Eat some pie for me!
Posted by: Sanorah at Oct 26, 2004 4:04:59 AM
So, perhaps this is what is wrong with me, and why I'm currently huge. I've clearly been prepping for the 3 hour GD test without knowing that I was doing, or being pregnant for that matter.
Have to look into that - after a snack of course.....
Posted by: Boulder at Oct 26, 2004 5:26:43 AM
Sounds like you're having a WHALE of a time ...
All the best for the test.
Posted by: Kim at Oct 26, 2004 6:18:13 AM
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/pie.htm
Good luck with the test. It's only for three days! When I was pregnant with my first, (17 yrs. ago!) I had to fast all night, drive to the doctor's office first thing in the morning, have blood drawn, then drink a pound of sugar dissolved in 8 ounces of 7up. Bleeehhh.
Then, sit for two hours, trying to read magazines with the letters jumping all over the page, getting more and more dizzy by the moment. Finally stretching out on the chairs in the waiting room, oblivious to the looks I was getting from the other patients. Have blood drawn again.
At last, I was allowed to leave. It took me an entire DAY to recover from that! The things we do for our kids!
Posted by: Carla at Oct 26, 2004 7:19:37 AM
Take it from a girl who failed 2-gd tests. Eat the pie and the bread and everything carbohydrate-y. Work that system up to being used to massive amounts of sugar - because that is what they test you with. 100 ml of pure glucose. I did not do the carb load diet, I didn't even know about it. It could have made a difference.
Good luck.
Posted by: Wendynoel7 at Oct 26, 2004 8:49:14 AM
Julie,
I've got a heavenly french silk pie recipe, if you need it. Dairy AND carbs, all wrapped into one lovely, silky, chocolately package.mmmmm.
Posted by: Deanna at Oct 26, 2004 9:54:19 AM
How can I feel sympathy for someone who was told to have extra snacks? Hmmm... Not happening.
Maybe my indifference comes from the fact that I was just told by one of my WW friends that I am not allowed to eat the whole pumpkin pie that I bought from Marie Callenders.
Why do they insist on selling a slice for $3.99 and the whole pie for just $5.99? Are they trying to make you fat? Uh-- YEAH!
Posted by: Nikka at Oct 26, 2004 12:51:45 PM
No fair. You get to chew!
Wonder what pie tastes like if you put it in a blender.. hmmmmm
Posted by: BrendaS at Oct 26, 2004 1:17:14 PM
Whaaaaa....? When I took the GD test, all they told me was that I needed to fast for two hours beforehand (not a problem since I scheduled the test for 8am).
Weird. Well, hope you enjoyed your snacks, at any rate. :)
Posted by: JoAnna at Oct 26, 2004 2:18:33 PM
HA! When I took my three hour test 9which I flunked mightily) they had me do something very similar--it was all high carb and pretty low protein. Timing wise my test fell at christmas time, so I spent 3 days at work analyzing christmas potlucks for carbs.
After failing the test, I went in for my diabetic counselling and received the order to EAT ALL THE TIME. I had in essence 6 meals a day. It was way more food than I had been eating but I was so hungry during the first 2 weeks. After that... well I had a hard time eating all my snacks. And bringing my "lunch" to work? Well that took a grocery bag (since it was 2 snacks and lunch).
Good luck on the test--but if you fail it, I have a recipe for a chocolate milkshake that will get you 1 protein and 2 carbs (which was what each snack needed to be composed of)
Posted by: Lil at Oct 26, 2004 4:31:16 PM
Please post the recipe, pretty please with carbs on top?
Posted by: Heather at Oct 26, 2004 5:27:58 PM
If you ever find yourself stuck without ginger, I find that black pepper adds a certain element of the to-be-missed gingery goodness. Actually, black pepper is quite good all on its own--gives the pie a bit of a kick and you really can't taste *black pepper*, just a tanginess.
Julie, on a more direct note about your blog, and in a first-time post: reading what you have to say, and the comments of all who visit here (even the ones that are ... less than helpful, perhaps like adding black pepper to an apple pie fercrissakes), has been inspiring, gut wrenching, terrifying, awesome (in the original sense of the word), and wonderful. Thanks for sharing so much of this with all of us out here.
May the force be with you!
Posted by: Mandalei at Oct 27, 2004 6:45:41 AM
