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10/20/2004
The Bitter Girl's Guide to Pregnancy After Infertility
I was looking at baby books a week ago, trying to find one that didn't make me retch in panic, and it occurred to me that there's been very little written to guide the woman who's newly pregnant after infertility treatment. Because I'm feeling cranky and not funny, the following is too cynical by far. For what it's worth, however, I give you the first installment of The Bitter Girl's Guide to Pregnancy After Infertility.
(Don't read it if you're not currently mad at the world, or if you feel that those of us who're lucky enough to be pregnant have a lot of fucking nerve to be shaking a fist at the universe.)
Don't count on an easy pregnancy. If there were any immediate balance in the world, you would have a perfectly uneventful pregnancy. After all, you deserve one, as much as anyone and more than some. If you've gotten this far after treatment for infertility, you should know better by now: there is no balance. If there were, we wouldn't miscarry, our children wouldn't be born early or ill, and we wouldn't lose them after birth, ever.
There is simply no credit given for time served.
Don't count on your friends. They mean well. They wish you the best. They want to help. They truly do. But they can't.
Sure, you helped them — painting the nursery for their first, taking casseroles over in their earliest muddled days of parenthood, or offering cleverly designed babysitting certificates as a shower gift. And you did it without thought for reciprocation, as you are far too big a person to keep score. (Okay, well, pretend you are, anyway.) But now that you need help, where are they?
Well, they're elbow-deep in diapers and Brownies and car seats and tumbling class and plain old life with a couple of small children, just as you wish you already were.
You, my friend, are out of luck. They gave away the hand-me-downs while you were still slogging through Clomid. Their lives have moved on while yours stood still, and now you're on your own. They'll be full of useful advice, of course, but as far as practical, hands-on assistance? Forget it and get over it, or you will explode the first time you hear someone say, Oh, God, I know you can't travel, but I just don't think I can visit until March at the earliest.
Don't count on your body. If you're infertile, you may have thought that getting pregnant was your only concern. Maybe it was. Maybe, now that you're pregnant, your body will rush effortlessly into cradling the tiny life inside you, keeping it safe and inviolate for the next 36 weeks. Maybe you can begin to love your body again, after hating it for so many countless cycles. Maybe pregnancy will reaffirm what you had begun to doubt: that you are a strong and healthy woman whose body was made for nurturing a child.
But maybe not. Maybe your body will disappoint you yet again. Maybe you'll need supplements, infusions, injections to stay pregnant, to keep your baby healthy inside. Maybe you'll spend the next six months flat on your back like an invalid, praying that just this once your body won't betray you. Maybe you'll find yourself wondering whether your body knew something you didn't when it first refused to conceive.
Don't count on your feelings. You're happy. Sure, you are. But you might also be afraid, which will make you feel miserable, which will make you feel guilty, which will make you feel resentful, which will make you...
Get it?
Unalloyed joy is unavailable to pregnant infertiles. Even as your pregnancy continues, you may find yourself incapable of taking anything for granted, especially after a loss or two. You may not feel normal or secure. You may find it impossible to think in terms of when the baby gets here, spending your energies instead on praying she'll get here at all.
You're happy, yes, but you're broken. You'll never be that giddy newlywed plotting a cute way to tell her husband, "You're going to be a daddy." You may well be a mess, much as you've been since that first crushing negative.
Once a freak, always a freak, and don't you fucking forget it.
Comments (67)
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You know, in all seriousness, I actually had a web page once called "The Infertile Woman's Guide to Pregnancy," since there really is so little support you can get from your fertile friends. Bleeding? They don't know. Either they didn't bleed, or they know someone who bled but everything was fine! So there's nothing to worry about! HCG numbers? What's that? Symptoms coming and going? They'd be thrilled if their nausea went away - why would you consider that a bad sign? I abandoned that page when I stopped using AOL, but it would be nice if someone could start something again. With Julie's excellent advice, of course.
Yes. Perfect. Perfectly true. And don't count on doctors to have any patience or compassion with you either, not that they ever did. The part about friends not being there, so, so true. And don't think they will show up after the baby is born either cause they will still have their lives going while you are knee deep in post partum insanity.
Yeah, just as I suspected. No halcyon days ahead.
You are right about the friends being too busy with their toddlers and school age kids, too!
LOL (that's a bitter, wry laugh of course) over not coming up with cute ways to tell hubby you're pregnant. Yea not much mystery left at that point. Not only that but I realized I won't have to come up with cute ways to tell my dear old parents that I'm pregnant ("if"), since they will know all about the IVF too.
Sorry this has continued to a rocky road. But Julie you are such a good writer, I wish you really would come out with an in-print book.
I second Alana's comment. Seriously. If you could flesh out some of these ideas, throwing in lots of personal experience (and experiences of your infertile soul sisters) you'd have a great book. You already have a lot of input about the various avenues women take (adoption, donor eggs, etc). This is a seriously under-represented area, and you are a most excellent writer.
I know for a fact how devastating infertility can be and how traumatic pregnancy can be when it finally does happen...but you are way too bitter. For a pregnancy that you need to try to be as calm and focused and grateful for, you are sure seem to spend a lot of time being angry. Quit being a victim. Some people NEVER get the chance you have. Some children are born with their hearts outside of their body and live for only a few hours and you wonder if you should even try again. Then you can gripe. Be happy you are as far as you are and spend your energy being glad it has happened and trying to keep it happening. And don't knock your friends for how much work they have to do with their children underfoot. It's a LOT of work running the lives of tiny people, other big people and also yourself. A healthy dose of cynicism is one thing, but try to keep it in check for the sake and safety of your unborn child. Good luck to you in this second half of your pregnancy. Sincerely.
Thanks for the help, Liisa.
Yeah, Julie! HEARTS OUTSIDE OF THEIR BODY, JULIE!!!!!
Sincerely.
Julie - Amen!
"you need to try to be as calm and focused and grateful "
um why?
While I have been through two very rough pregnancies, I have not been through 1/10th of your journey through infertility. I am having a hard time imagining how any of the girls who have been through so much pain and loss are ever able to make it through a pregnancy sane. Julie, you seriously should write that book on how to handle a pregnancy after infertility. We need your humor and smart-assiness (yeah, I know it is not a word).
Oh I finally get it - thanks Liiiiiisa you've given me the answer that so many doctors couldn't ...
"dose of cynicism is one thing, but try to keep it in check for the sake and safety of your unborn child"
So that's what killed my last 4 babes in utero
- slap a smile on my face start thinking people mean well and voila - a baby! Cheaper than IVF I guess.
Julie,
I so completely understand where you're coming from. Hugs.
And Liisa? That is coming from someone who will never, EVER be able to have a biological child.
Wanted to add the addendum, that it's ME who will never be able to have a child, not meant to imply you.
"It's a LOT of work running the lives of tiny people, other big people and also yourself"
Yeah, it must also be a lot of work managing other people's feelings and making sure that they're in line with where you think they ought to be.
"you are sure seem to spend a lot of time being angry."
I've always believed that "what the parent represses the child expresses." This goes double for unborn children. I can't think of a better way of venting negative emotions than committing them to paper (or cyberspace).
Do you think that when people leave comments they have read more than just one post? Don't you think they would want some "context" before they start telling you how to live. I'm just saying...
I know exactly where you are coming from and I think your bitterness rocks. I haven't even gone as far along on the whole pregnancy ride as you have but I have thought every one of the those thoughts. Especially the trying to surprise my husband in some novel way. Its hard to do when I'm shoving a stick under his nose saying "Does that look like a line, I think it might be a line."
Vaughn
Yes, Liisa, and there are people living in garbage heaps in Manila, starving in Africa, women who are burned to death for lack of brideprice...what I'm trying to say is that there will *always* be someone out there who's worse off than the person you're talking to. It doesn't follow that this person is therefore somehow morally obliged to think nothing but happy shiny thoughts. Julie has had two miscarriages (as have I) and it's a traumatic as hell experience. As bad as having a baby with its heart outside its chest/no brain/having to move to a garbage pit because you have an annual income of $5? No, but IT SURE AS HELL HURTS ALL THE SAME.
Why don't you tell us something about your own circumstances in life, Liisa? About your own hopes and disappointments? Then we can dredge up all sorts of examples to show you why should NEVER be unhappy for a single moment, EVER, because there are people in the world who are worse off than you in every aspect.
Then you can go to hell.
Love,
Sonetka
It's all crap Julie. Feel how you need to feel, vent when you need to, be nervous and paranoid about your pregnancy and fuck em if they can't understand that you deserve it.
Julie:
Life's unfair, isn't it? All of us seem to instinctually think that there should be balance -- for example, that if you beat cancer once, you won't get it again. But, of course, the opposite is true. If you got cancer once, you're more likely to get it again. It's just so f**ing unfair.
be angry if you need to be. I am willing to promise you (yeah, I know I can't really, but, I will) that it won't hurt anyone in the long run.
bj
Jeeezus.
All emotions are valid, and to try and repress or control them only makes you sick.
I admire how you get these things out Julie. It's much better than walking around brooding...
Of course brooding always leads up to these types of posts no?
Take care.
I like it, Julie!! [blatantly ignoring Liisa's comment] When is the next installment coming? And what publishers do you have in line?
Julie,
I wanted this to be an email, but maybe this way your readers can weigh in, as well. I am 27, recently married, and we haven't started trying to get pregnant. I have no reason to expect we will be infertile, so I am not in any way the intended audience of your blog. While I sometimes tell myself that this is OK because I am generating compassion for you and your husband, I feel it's possible that I fundamentally disrespect you by reading your blog when I can't relate to what you and your fellow IF bloggers are experiencing. (Therefore, I'm just a tourist.) I apologize deeply if this is the case. I will immediately discontinue reading your blog and other IF blogs from now on if you are uncomfortable with my readership.
Thank you, and I wish you well,
Colette
Make that a herd of bitter women. Yes, you are VERY entitled to your feelings. We all are. No, no one else truly knows anyone else's pain and there will always be people worse off than you, but when you finally do get a 'break' be glad. SOME OF US NEVER DID AND NEVER WILL. Here's the quickie breakdown: Four years without conceiving. Borrowed TENS of THOUSANDS of dollars to make it happen. Countless negative tests, 3 miscarriages and a dead son later...PRIASE THE GODS for adoption. Made me wonder why I even kept wanting, hoping or trying. Screw all of you. Continue to whine about what you all want to whine about. Congrats to all of you that are so far above the rest of us that you have the balls to bitch. Have a nice life.
Hey, I'm childless by choice. I ended up at this blog because I have family members who are infertile and I don't want to act like as asshat, aka Liisa.
You know, I don't think I was a asshat before I read this blog, mostly because I keep in mind not to compare pain, and if you love someone and they hurt, you hurt with them. Plain and simple. (And a healthy dose of when in doubt, KYBMS, keep your big mouth shut, never hurts.)
Julie, do you know what I, a childless woman, says about what you "should" do? I think you should do whatever you need to do to get through this pregnancy. And if that means you aren't doing it "perfectly" in accordance with someone else's definition, fuck them and the horse they rode in on.
I hope what you should do includes writing, crying, being angry, writing some more, reaching out to friends while you take care of yourself and your baby. Best wishes.
I'm going to say something different. I realize that it might be painful and insulting for some of you, but I mean no harm (exactly as it was in that post).
Life is unfair - true. Some people go through problems I cannot even start to imagine. But. There is always a but. But there is balance. I am on the other side of the unfair life. I am a very ...no... extremely happy man. Really. Seriously. I am so happy I can barely take it. I am about to explode each and every day. I wish I could share this happiness in some effective way. I wish I could make someone's life better. And I try to. I give as much of it as I can to my wife who is first time pregnant now (end of 22nd week). I am giving it and will give a huge part of it to the baby (if everything goes as it goes). I have plenty of it left.
If by any chance it helps you to think that someone is getting all the luck and happiness for your pains and troubles, please know that I do. Really.
Now I will probably be eaten alive...
Liisa I think Julie's disclaimer pretty much covered your rant.
Julie, your post today touched on the deeper parts of what I was thinking and feeling when I wrote mine. There is no book for this. I think there should be, and I think you'd be just the one to write it.
Even if this little one is already here when its published, I'll buy it. Thank you for saying what so many of us are feeling.
Amen Blondie!!
Liisa-sorry for your losses, but seriously, fuck off...
Colette-please feel free to keep reading this blog and educate yourself, and I'm hoping you'll never have to suffer through what so many of us here have. My SIL (a fertilie myrtle) reads this and many other blogs, to better understand *me* and *my* pain, and for that, I love her.
Julie-
What can I say...I adore you. Just keep on keeping on, and do what you do best-just be yourself. I appreciate your honesty and the willingness to share your deepest fears and pain with this anonymous audience; that takes so much bravery, especially when you know some asshat will inevitably feel the need to throw in their unwanted $.02. Your feelings are very valid, and I can totally relate to them. You're the best...all my love to you, Paul and Batman...
Nat
Liisa- you have a right to feel whatever way you want (and yes, I DO note some bitterness there, how dare you), you're entitled, yadda yadda, you've been through some shit.
But so does/has Julie. And perhaps you've forgotten but there's something called a "coping mechanism".
So, you don't/didn't need it.You dealt in a different way. Bully for you.
But what worked for you doesn't have to work for everyone. Not all of us can put our pain behind us immediately and dance joyfully through the flowery fields. Sorry if that doesn't fit in with your world. And if saying that makes me a bitter bitch, so be it. I've been called worse by better people.
Julie, I've not written before but you give me hope. And you write it the way I feel. More power to you and let me know where I can buy the book.
Um.
Does that mean that I'm disrespecting my uncle who has cancer by asking how he is doing because I can't "relate to what he is experiencing" ?
Collette!! It's called compassion and sympathy! Just because you aren't experiencing something yourself doesn't mean that you can't recongnize the situation as tough and want to lend support!
Now, whether this mean that you can give unsolicited advice about a situation you may know nothing about, LIISA, is another issue entirely.
Just my opinion. Julie, feel free to correct me.
Julie - When I read Liisa's post I thought it was a joke. Who would be so insensative to rip into you like that? I've travelled the infertility road and the adoption path and I can tell you that for me, adoption sure didn't make ME wonder why I dreamed, hoped and wanted.
I totally understand what your saying and I AGREE with every word!
you go girl
Sorry for your losses, Liisa, truly. But have you really read Julie's blog, aside from this most recent few, or the ones that have provocative titles? There's quite a broad spectrum of emotion here, from elated to downright pissed off and everything in between. The overall impression I get is that she IS incredibly, incredibly grateful to be where she is, but after so many losses one gets rather gun-shy, and then one gets pissed off about HAVING to be gun-shy and paranoid and not being able to completely enjoy what should otherwise be a wonderful, happy experience.
Julie, no matter how cranky you might get, the FIRST thing we learn from every post is: you're hanging on. Batman's still in there. You're not bleeding. Please keep posting, no matter what you have to say, so we can keep pulling for you.
P.S. When I described your latest scene with Paul, my Paul immediately performed the "We're-not-worthy" gesture from Wayne's World. He is, but it can't hurt to raise the bar a bit! Thanks for sharing.
You are perfect just the way you are, worries and all. I wish I could take them away from you, but I can't. I wish I could make unhelpful people with bitchy quippy responses disappear, but alas, I'm powerless there as well.
Keep on doing what you're doing. You're wonderful.
I LOVE BITTER JULIE
Okay, I love her when she's not bitter too. But it's her cynical streak that I really have a soft spot for. And I bet her baby will love her madly for it, too.
Of course it wouldn't be nearly as likeable if that's all she was. But Julie is also incredibly compassionate, smart, funny, talented, brave, loving, and wise. And bitter too! We really lucked out here, people.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize this was a private club and that, after reading it for a long time and being up on what has gone on, posting what was in my heart was not allowed. And, if I would have known the rule was only to say artificial, perky things that were in total agreement with the author then I would have never even read it to begin with. It is not my intention to stop anyone from feeling, but how can you think that it is *SO* okay to hang on to bitterness? Do you really think that it is healthy? My only real advice was to chill the hell out and be grateful for the blessing some will never know. Oh, and I did not dance out into a flowery field with my 4 month old adopted son the day after he came to us and pretend the rest of it never happened. It took many years before I realized that my Asshat (how clever, watch much t.v?) was unbecoming and it was only when I moved on with my life and left my bitterness behind that I got the incredible opportunity to be a Mother. I'm 42 now, my son is almost 7. It took nearly 10 years, and an almost ended marriage because of the anger, pain and innability to cope, from start to finish to live my dream. So, don't remind me how long it all goes on. I already know. Topic, on my part, is closed. With all my heart, I hope all of you enjoy what life brings you. Peace.
But, Liisa, bitterness doesn't go away just because you tell it to or wish it would.
Actually, Liisa, it doesn't sound like you have left all of your own bitterness behind. The instinct to say "stop complaining and be grateful for what you have" almost certainly comes from your own remaining grief and resentment over what you had to go through. Especially if you feel moved to say it in a way that will hurt someone.
I am not judging you for feeling this way. What you've been through is terrible, and no one will begrudge you the right to feel pain when you see someone who has what you wanted so badly, and is actually complaining about it. But as you well know, Julie has been through terrible things too. She has every right to feel her own pain. One very revealing difference between her and you is that, when she chose to voice it, she did so in her own space and warned all of us first, because she didn't want to inadvertently hurt someone. You, on the other hand, came out swinging.
After sending the "Bitter Guide" to a few infertile friends b/c I know how much they and I can relate, I was quite surprised to read the posts that pounced on you. I usually choose to ignore inappropriate and insensitive responses to posts b/c they don't dignify a response but I really do have to say that Liisa must not have read any other posts by you. She doesn't understand the range of emotions you have felt, nor does she know the eloquence with which you describe them.
Julie, I really appreciate your sharing your feelings with us. Your posts often make me feel not so alone in this whole IF maze. I just wanna say thanks.
Liisa, clearly you haven't moved on or let go of your bitterness. I wonder if you're projecting onto Julie because you're still unhappy and aren't allowing yourself to face it? Please start your own blog to work through some of this stuff before it really backs up on you.
And now, because my feelings were hurt by Julie's section about fertile friends not being there for you, I'm going to think about it and post something on my own blog about it, where it belongs.
Liisa - I'm terribly sorry to hear about your son, but I have to say that "perky" is not an adjective I would apply to this or any other infertility blog. There are a lot message boards like that, but not here. And to be frank, if I'm bitter, then that makes a pair of us, because you sound very much the same. Actually, you remind me a lot of myself right after my first miscarriage; I was pissed at the world, very hypersensitive, and accused a couple of people of trying to pick fights with me when in fact I was the one instigating the things; I was so angry and bitter that I really, really wanted to tear someone apart (verbally, not physically :)) and so I invented excuses to do just that. I hate phrases like "unresolved issues" but it does not sound like your troubles are entirely in the past.
I dunno. I get SO DAMNED TIRED of people telling me to "be grateful for what you have, damnit", blessing or otherwise.
I'd rather try and mend the healthy way, over time and in my own time. Guess it was ok for you to do that, Liisa, but it's not ok for anyone else. We need to do it on your time table? I think not.
And I have to agree with Persephone here - you sound bitter still, Liisa. I hope you continue to mend and that you do find some peace someday.
**end of Julie blog hijack*
Liisa, it's pretty obvious by everything that you said that you *did* go through what Julie is so "bitter" about. You've had 10 years to get over it!
And if you don't like what you read here, just leave. It sounds like everyone above me is holding the door wide open to you.
Get that bitterness out, Julie, otherwise it'll fester and explode someday. And neither Paul nor Batman will want to clean up the mess, right?
Know what? I think there is only one person signing in under different names posting comments just to piss us off. There seems to be at least one new one a week. Come on, that many people can't be so stupid...
Love the Bitter Guide, Julie.
I also love the bitter guide. Fits my recent mood perfectly.
Glad I don't get readers like Liisa, especially in the frail state I've been in lately, WOWSA, what a ...
Love ya Julie, Love your blog, it was what I read when I lost my third, and it was what got me blogging. You were my first.
It's funny, I often feel the same way as Colette.
I can't relate, but I love Julie's writing and she never ceases to amaze me.
Julie,
I only went through a fraction of the pain and effort you have, and my pregnancy was verrrrry easy, but I still couldn't help but notice the friends who'd popped their kids out so efficiently, and who had enjoyed my TLC and cross-continental flights suddenly had no time for me when I brought home my son from Vietnam, or gave birth to my daughter.
I still think you're having all these complications just to draw attention to yourself. You are such a fucking drama queen. Or maybe it's your bitterness bringing it all on!
(The above paragraph is sarcasm.)
Oh, and Liisa, get stuffed. (Not sarcasm.)
Ok, now I am seriously pissed. Sorry Julie, but this is going to be very long.
Liisa, you don’t know what you are talking about. How dare you tell Julie to forget all that has happened and just be grateful. Of course she is grateful to be pg, to be given a chance at having a child, did she say she wasn't? Was there any thing in her post now, or previously, that said she wasn't grateful? Of course not. Do you know that you can experience more than one emotion at once?
That you can be grateful for the chance at having a child and still be bitter / sad / remorseful (call it what you want) about your past, about the fact that your pg is difficult and RISKY. Because as you clearly know, being pg does not guarantee you a healthy child.
I am so angry at what you wrote. I too lost a child, in fact many children along the way but my last child died in my arms, he took 30 minutes to die, his breathing got slower and slower until his last breath. Now I am pg again, once again with a high risk pg with no guarantee that I will end up with healthy babies. I spend it in fear every day that the same thing might happen. In fact this morning I woke up at 3:30 am because I am paranoid the contractions I am getting are more than BH. I can’t sleep from the pain of my ligaments and because of the BH’s. I am still awake typing this at 5:19am.
Am I supposed to just be happy? Grateful that I am pg? Oblivious? Forget about the children I have lost? Forget about my brave little son who fought so hard to live? Well done to you if you can just forget about your past, most people can’t. And yes, of course we would all love to skip along merrily, pretending that we didn’t have a past or that the bad shit never happened, but I can’t.
You know what you are doing? You are making Julie, us, feel that we are once again doing the wrong thing by not being obliviously happy, making us feel responsible. WELL I CAN’T, SORRY!! I am worried out of my mind I might lose these babies as well. I am still grieving for my lost children, I am scared.
Of course we are grateful to be pg, how on earth can you even suggest we aren’t? What an incredibly stupid thing to say. Do you honestly believe we spent all that money on our last IVF’s because we hoped we wouldn’t be pg?? Of course not, we want to be pg.
However, when you do get pg, you obviously hope for a risk free, stress free pg. What you do not wish for is a high risk pg, a pg that could easily mean you lose your baby. I know 100% that Julie will do what it takes to have a healthy baby, but for goodness sake, is she supposed to be grateful for her placenta previa? For her suspected gestational diabetes? For being too fucking scared to sit for too long in case it puts her into early labor?
Can you understand, at all, that you can be grateful for the opportunity to have a child while at the same time being bitter that your pg is so high risk that might not end up with a child, and that you have lost children along the way?
Can you understand that at all?
Julie, myself, are not complaining about not being able to play tennis and run around doing pg mothers tea etc. We are not complaining about pg niggles or side effects. No, we are complaining that after working so fucking hard we are faced with pg’s that mean we might lose our babies any way. I could complain endlessly about my pg niggles, about the pg tumors in my mouth, about the blocked urethras, about the nose bleeds, the pg gingivitis, about the incredible ligament pain that is so painful it makes my uterus contract (which puts me at huge risk for PTL), the fact that I have to spend the majority of my day lying down in case my cervix opens, about the backache, the sore ribs etc etc, but I never do because I take all those things gladly if it means healthy babies. I am a mere incubator. I don’t care about me, I care about my babies.
When Julie says “Don't count on an easy pregnancy.” Or “don’t count on your body” she is not saying don’t count on not skipping around happy with that pg glow, she is saying “don’t count on not getting placenta previa, don’t count on not having an IC, don’t count on the fact that you might end up having a high risk pg after fighting so hard to get there” Do you get the difference?
You have really made me very angry. I find you exceptionally intolerant and judgmental.
I am honestly glad your story had a happy ending, that you got your beautiful adopted child. But I challenge you not to be ‘bitter’ (and she isn’t bitter by the way, its called a dose of cynicism mixed with humor) when / if you had to be pg after your loss of your child. How can you ever be normal again? How can you EVER have a normal, blissful, oblivious pg when your child died 10 days after birth? How can you ever just forget and be obliviously ‘grateful’?
I know Julie very well, we speak every day. She is not bitter, she is scared. And this post was putting those fears, along with her sense of regret about lost opportunities (lost children, the lost opportunity of a safe / normal pg) in typical Julie fashion, which is tongue in cheek. Julie is an exceptionally brave, positive person. And yes, with a dose of cynicism, or should we call that reality?
You’ve unfairly judged here, you are actually way off the mark.
Oh, Julie, YES!
The only feeling I got from looking at what to expect and the sears pg book was "these people have NO IDEA"
Was not in the slightest tempted to read past the first few pages.
Hmm, Liiiisa, so why do you want Julie to
" only to say artificial, perky things "
hmmmm? Nice to hear that moment your child came home, you were imediately perky at all times and in all situations, including chatting animatedly to the other mothers at playgroups?
Colette - no, keep reading, you will learn so much about the people around you, and how to be a more sensitve, better person (although, you're pretty sensitive now, from the sound of things)
YAY Tertia!!!
First time commenter, don't think I will say anything troll like :) Forgive me if I do. You say so often what I have thought in my heart in the past and what I feel sometimes today. I am no longer have infertility since I ended my (lack of) fertility last year, so while these are not feelings I feel today, I often read what you write and it strikes a chord with me.
You are so right on this. And it goes on, infertility, pregnancy and infant loss, high risk pregnancies these things don't even take you out of the water once you have your live baby in your arms. Sometimes you have wicked PPD, sometimes the parenting choices you hoped to make don't work out, sometimes your child has issues because of a high risk pregnancy, sometimes your child has issues that are unrelated. And so many people make the same not-so-thoughtful comments. They assume that your stomach stops lurching in fear the moment after delivery.