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12/07/2004
A funny thing happened on the way home from Connecticut (part...um, whatever)
Something was making me itch all over. I suspect it was the magnesium sulfate, a bag of which dangled over my bed like a pinata (if, in fact, pinatas prevent seizures — note to self: sift through journal articles). My mouth was parched and I felt jittery but exhausted. A blood pressure cuff clenched the flesh above my right elbow, taking its measurements automatically every ten minutes or so. I had a hep lock in my left hand. My calves, ankles, and feet were encased in pulsating boots to discourage the formation of blood clots. A Foley catheter drained my bladder into a bag hanging at the foot of my bed.
When he came in from the NICU, Paul, still uncomfortably jumpsuited, brought two Polaroids of the baby, a tiny creature sprawled on his back, skinny arms and legs splayed, face inscrutable behind the tubes, head mostly obscured by a tacky knitted hat. Now I have a confession to make, and I hope it won't upset my friends here who've had babies earlier than I did: I was relieved to the point of tears to see that he wasn't very red. Early babies can have a dark and angry red color to their skin, a fact I've always found distressing. As a rule, I admit I don't find preemies beautiful. Ours was no different. I couldn't make sense of the photos — couldn't yet make sense of the day that had passed — and I didn't look for long.
Somewhere along the line we named the baby Charlie. It had been near the top of the list for the few weeks we'd allowed ourselves to discuss names; it was Paul's favorite, a family name on his side. In the moment I was so grateful to him for his steadfast sanity that it seemed like the most obvious, fitting choice. His middle name comes from my side of the family — my grandmother's maiden name, my aunt's middle — and is awfully close to Batman.
I asked about seeing the baby in person, a request that was summarily denied. I wasn't allowed to get up, not even to get in a wheelchair — some boring business about seizures again, which made me feel very impatient. When I wasn't clawing at my own flesh in an attempt to neutralize the itch, or shifting fitfully to make sure the catheter was still firmly plugged in, I was impotently trying to get my dry mouth to mutter a string of profanity.
I'm pretty sure I was delightful.
The nurse brought me a basin and a toothbrush. After brushing, I felt closer to human than I had all day. She brought a set of scrubs for Paul to wear, and extra pillows and sheets for the pull-out chair next to my bed. I know how I managed to sleep; I was doped to the cottony gills with pain medication and what the nurses affectionately called "the mag." I don't know how Paul did it. I know he didn't sleep much, because every time I woke, my face damp from crying as I slept, he was ready to pat my outstretched, hep-locked hand.
I didn't dream at all.
Posted by Julie at 03:23 PM in Mama drama, Notes from astride the stirrups | Permalink
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Comments (40)
Humunah Gumunah - how are you even TYPING right now?????
My friend, I'm just so thankful you're all doing well.
Posted by: Liz at Dec 7, 2004 3:29:00 PM
So very happy for you and your little one and I am enjoying your birth story. Although it is scaring the shot out of me....I know it has a happy ending.
take care
Posted by: Sheri at Dec 7, 2004 3:30:53 PM
I wonder if the nurse who brought you the toothbrush and basin was trying to give you a hint? But it really does help to feel slightly human. There are few things more annoying than fuzzy teeth and a parched mouth.
Posted by: Carrie Jo at Dec 7, 2004 3:32:31 PM
Crying. For you, for Charlie, so glad you are both here and well. Crying tears of gratitude for Paul as well.
Posted by: mollie at Dec 7, 2004 3:41:57 PM
Aargh, those blood pressure cuffs. Every time I managed to get to sleep it would *tighten* again and wake me up.
I don't know you, but I hate to think of you crying in your sleep. I'm glad Paul was there to pat your head.
Posted by: cherylc at Dec 7, 2004 3:49:48 PM
I slept just fine, if you take into account the pullout chair that made a camp cot seem ample (Julie will tell you I can take up two thirds of a king-size mattress just fine) and the fact that it was about as cold as outdoors because Julie was flushed and warm and well-wrapped. Oh, and the nurse who came in every hour or two to check Julie's vitals. Maybe something about having been up for 16 or 17 hours without much food to speak of, 12 of them in mortal fear. Under the circumstances, there wasn't anywhere else I would have wanted to be, and I'm just glad my snoring didn't keep anyone awake.
Of course, the next night they took the scrubs back and things got really cold.
Posted by: Paul at Dec 7, 2004 4:13:42 PM
How awful. So glad there is a happy ending. This post made me cry. So sad but nowing the ending helps.
Posted by: StacyG at Dec 7, 2004 4:15:00 PM
I think I'm in love with Paul.
Who knew anyone could be good enough for our Julie?
Posted by: Slim at Dec 7, 2004 4:17:30 PM
Thank you for sharing it all with us Julie (and you too Paul!).
I'm so VERY glad all three of you are ok and together as you deserve to be... a family at last.
Again, Congratulations and much love.
Posted by: Scarlett Cyn at Dec 7, 2004 4:38:14 PM
Paul wins husband of the year award
Posted by: Debe at Dec 7, 2004 4:46:39 PM
It's wonderful to "hear" your familiar voice relaying this most poignant of stories in your life. I've been reading since the beginning of your pregnancy and am delighted to know that sweet little Charlie bat is here. I look forward to hearing the tales of spreading wings, growing fur, sucking blood?, and all of his other adorable feats. Thank you for sharing your incredible intelligence, your brilliant sense of humor, and your achingly accurate descriptions of the crap side of life. Here's wishing you, Paul, and Charlie the warmth of the season.
Posted by: Jennifer O at Dec 7, 2004 4:47:27 PM
I've been on the edge of my seat checking back several times an hour to check for updates to your blog!
When I worked as a nurse, many patients complained that some of the narcotic pain medications made them quite itchy. I'd never heard that complaint from the Mag, but there's a first for everything :)
Congratulations to all of you!
Posted by: Alisa at Dec 7, 2004 4:54:50 PM
Hell, I'm in love with Paul.
I hated, hated, hated the Mag sulfate. Have I mentioned that I hated it?
I'm enjoying reading your "birth story". I remember so little of my son's birth, and the time that he was in NICU was such a whirlwind, I'm sorry now that I didn't get to write it down while it was still fresh in my mind. Of course, it didn't help that I was stuck in the hospital lying on my left side for a week under dire threats of a ruptured liver, seizures, or even worse - being put back on the mag sulfate.
Posted by: Nance at Dec 7, 2004 5:02:52 PM
Ah, god, it all comes back to me now... I hated the mag, too, but it didn't make me itchy. The legs cuff things, I liked them the first 24 hours, but after that, they got a little old. I not only had a bp cuff on one arm, but a thing on my other arm to keep that arm straight so I would stop occluding my IV with the mag (which feels really great, btw, when it drips out of your vein and under the skin). Ug, it's all so awful.
Did you have the bloat, too? I looked like I'd slipped in Gwenyth Paltrow's fat suit in Shallow Hall. Ug.
I'm glad to hear the story though--eager for an update on Charlie. How's he doing?
Oh, and yes, Paul rules. He and Charlie (my Charlie) can compare chair stories sometime... not to mention that whole mortal terror thing.
Posted by: Cecily at Dec 7, 2004 5:09:02 PM
I'm sending best wishes and hugs your way. I hope you're all home and snug very soon!
Posted by: Tracy B. at Dec 7, 2004 5:47:49 PM
The epidural made me crazy itchy. Where I was, they leave it in for two days after the babyectomy to most effectivley mangage pain in that region. Patients are given pumps to self administer hits of it. I had two, one for the epidural and another for anti-itch. So two days of press/press every fifteen minutes or so. It was torture. It also made getting to the NICU much more of a production.
Thanks for sharing all the details Julie-style. I too check every few hours for the next installment.
And Paul, you are amazing. Hang in there, guys.
Posted by: Bella at Dec 7, 2004 5:53:57 PM
De-lurking to say that after I had a c-section, I was itching so badly that I rubbed my nose raw. I literally scratched the skin right off (gross, I know). I was told it was the pain meds.
I've been reading you for awhile, and I'm so thankful that this scary situation worked out for you guys. Best wishes.
Posted by: Annie at Dec 7, 2004 6:22:00 PM
Did you not use an ice-filled exam glove to soothe the fire in your loins? My crotch was so hot from the mag sulfate that the nurse brought me an ice glove. My sister took a great picture of the cold-hand-on-crotch tableau.
I had the epidural-related spinal headache, so when I got to go see my kid, I was hunched over in the wheelchair on account of the crippling pain in my neck and head.
And one time when my mom visiting in the NICU, she said it looked like there was a lot of edema in my ass. Noooo, that would be from all the first-trimester eating! But my legs were puffy for a month or three.
I hope your fluid is getting peed out rather than leaking into your extremities, that Charlie is putting on many grams and enjoying his tasty NG-tube feedings, and that the itchies go away soon.
Posted by: Amy at Dec 7, 2004 6:50:56 PM
You're alright, charlie is alright, Paul is alright, I know all this, but it's still pretty harrowing to read, so so happy all is well, so so happy you're all ok, so so happy.
Posted by: Lioness at Dec 7, 2004 6:52:03 PM
Can't resist adding my loating of the magnesium. Horrible, horrible stuff.
Posted by: Kristine at Dec 7, 2004 6:54:26 PM
I'm so happy and relieved that everything had a happy ending. What a scary thing, after everything you've already been through.
Welcome Charlie.
xxoo
Posted by: Emily at Dec 7, 2004 7:24:20 PM
"the mag" is magnesium citrate, administered by iv drip. it's a central nervous system depressant used, for among other reasons, to stop preterm labor. i dunno why it was being used here postpartum, but i'm not a doctor, just a dad.
our high risk obstetrician observed that if you didn't have a glazed look in your eyes, you weren't on enough mag.
Posted by: RainbowW at Dec 7, 2004 8:42:56 PM
My C-section was WAY less dramatic than yours, but I got the "so, I guess narcotics make me throw up" spin of the wheel. That's what I get for hitting "yes please" on the morphine drip all night, I guess.
So glad you're all right and reading it in pieces is taking a toll on me, woman! Josh can commiserate on the fold-out chair fun. Actually, I can too -- when we had to bring T. back to the hospital for the light-box, we had to share the chair/bed. Four days after abdominal surgery. Yeah, that was fun.
Posted by: cori at Dec 7, 2004 8:47:42 PM
The itching is your body dealing with the withdrawl of the morphine they pumped into your spine during a c-section. The nurse asked me if I was itchy and I clearly said "No," thinking she was nuts, as I scratched my arms over and over.
Is Charlie home with you or is Charlie being cared-for still? Quite a journey you've had, to get to him!
Posted by: Barbara at Dec 7, 2004 8:55:15 PM
rainbow--in this case it's magnesium sulfate, and it's used as a preventative for postpartum seizures in preeclampsia (of which HELLP syndrome is a subset) patients.
here are some links:
HELLP: http://www.preeclampsia.org/FAQ.asp#three
mag sulfate: http://www.twinslist.org/magsulfate.html
from all the mag sulfate stories (i mentioned mine earlier), it sounds like there are a lot of preeclampsia moms reading julie's blog.
julie--i told tertia earlier that i was glad y'all are in a location with housekeeping. one less thing for you to worry about.
paul--how does it feel to have a large contingent of female admirers? :)
Posted by: wix at Dec 7, 2004 9:13:35 PM
You are all three awesome for getting through this so well.
Is it Charlie officially, or Charles? Just curious.
And can I make this about me just for a sec and say that it's stories like this that make me even happier about adopting?
Posted by: Jen at Dec 7, 2004 11:26:28 PM
Nothing to add. Just happy you are alive. And that Charlie is here. And that Paul is your husband.
Posted by: Laura at Dec 7, 2004 11:58:17 PM
I'm also very happy -- and relieved -- that your pregnancy story has a happy ending. Huge hugs to the three of you.
Posted by: Ann at Dec 8, 2004 12:06:36 AM
Having done the Mag thing 3 times total, I will completely agree....it sucks. I had so little strength after the 2nd day I couldn't even lick the cream out of a twinkie. I was also on the highest dose for over 2.5 days. It was about a week before I really lost most of the fluid.
Glad all is going well with you, Paul, and Batman!
Posted by: Amy V at Dec 8, 2004 12:21:25 AM
Honestly, hugely delighted for you, and Paul, and Charlie - I'm just joining in the throngs when I say I'm wishing for you every good thing, excellent health, and a truly wonderful rest of the Holiday season too!
It must be odd, sometimes, to have strangers commenting on your life. I know appreciate the stories you share with us. It has helped me, and for that I thank you.
Posted by: Persimmon at Dec 8, 2004 1:33:57 AM
Still a shock to hear what you've been through. Glad to have you back amongst us & to hear that Charlie is doing well.
Side note: Julie, make sure to ask Paul about what you were on for pain at the time. Sounds more like a histamine reaction to the painkiller. I have same thing happen with morphine (remember 3 time laparotomy, not babyectomy, veteren here). If I'm given benedryl (perferably by IVF because it feels better than the morphine or any valium ever had if done that way - for real) then morphine is no problem. If benedry isn't available as an option, then I'm given demerol instead, because you don't get the same itchy hell that morphine can do, something an ER doc once shared with me. & if you aren't being tortured by the itchiness, then those boots rock, let me tell you.
Hopefully. though, this is a little tidbit that you'll never need to consider at any other time in your life.
Posted by: Boulder at Dec 8, 2004 3:19:05 AM
I don't know what to say.. except I'm so glad we all ready read the last page of this labour story.
Paul... man. You rock. There is no better feeling to a woman than knowing her partner is there. (Being 37 weeks pregnant myself my husband has proved most capable in the emergencies we've had.)
I am wishing you guys all the best.
Posted by: LisaN at Dec 8, 2004 9:32:55 AM
Everybody ought to have a Paul, a loyal and unswerving Paul to putter around the bed!
Posted by: ManhattanAnne at Dec 8, 2004 12:01:53 PM
My son was born at 29 weeks. He was really red. He didn't look angry. He looked very ill. I was the same way. I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want to hold him either.
That mag is horrible, I've had it with two of my kids. With my last son the gave me something else and that drug made me shake like I had Parkinsons. Then they gave me a narcotic that knocked me out!
I'm praying for your little one!
Posted by: jenni at Dec 8, 2004 12:01:57 PM
Ah! The incessant itching, non-stop all over my face and body only thing that would help was 15,000,000 mills. of benadryl and then it just eased up a bit. Supposadely a side-effect from the spinal. Miss you, love you guys!
Posted by: Andreah at Dec 8, 2004 1:21:29 PM
Now I'm crying. This is a first for your blog, and that's saying something. I'm so glad your little Charlie is okay, and you, and Paul. So much to go through, so early in life.
Posted by: Erin at Dec 8, 2004 2:24:23 PM
I am moved to tears. At your wonderful blessing of Charlie, an end to a very long journey and a beginning to one even longer and so much more fun.
But I also cry for myself, as I do every now and then, when I read your story about being on the guerney, out of it, not able to see your baby, weeping in your sleep.
Julie, I know you had NO choice in how this baby was delivered, and I'm so glad you can be so straightforward (and funny!) about it. How I wish I'd had that experience ... not once but three times. The first time because (I suspect, hell I KNOW) the doctor wanted to get done with the damn delivery because he had to work in a clinic 80 miles away in the morning. He ordered the nurses to stop my labor before he even saw me ... I can't believe I let them.
The second time, 8 years later, was a time of healing. I read and wrote about VBACs, I planned, I screened doctors by the dozen, I promised myself I would not succumb to the fear tactics to which I'd been subjected before. And then, then, when my sweet baby girl was born, I let them do another c-section for reasons I still wonder if were "enough."
Then, a few years later, came along my unexpected third child. (And believe me, all of you, that I am more than blessed with the ability to conceive and bear children -- please don't think for a minute I am taking this for granted.) I will admit that right after the thrill of seeing the pink plus mark on the EPT, I said out loud "I will have my VBAC!"
This time I was even more careful. I interviewed even more doctors and finally picked one who was 74 at the time (no kidding!) because he promised me a VBAC. We talked about it at length. He had delivered over 5,000 babies in his 50 year career. He had recently delivered a woman VBAC after SEVEN c-sections. He ordered a CAT scan of my pelvis to prove it was large enough (I thought looking at my hips would have proven that). We discussed everything. Except. Except that he was going to a medical convention in Florida (we live in California) for three days around my due date.
My water broke the night on Monday, his final day of the conference. I spoke to his on-call doctor by phone later that evening and he said I should go into the hospital and get checked out. He said my doctor would be home the next day.
When I got to the hospital, not in labor, but with my water broken (not gushing, leaking), they would not let me go. They hooked up an IV and said I needed to spend the night. I called my doula (a CNM) and she said "get out of there right now if you can -- you can come to my house and I'll monitor you and you'll be fine." I will always regret that I didn't take her advice. Of course my husband didn't want to leave the hospital -- he thought it was the safest place.
First thing in the morning they brought me a consent form for a c-section. Why? Because I'd had two before. No labor allowed, and certainly no pit to get it started (I still had not had contractions). My uterus might rupture! (Odds 1 in 1 million of happening, I explained, and since I was at Stanford, in the OB ward, for crying out loud, they would certainly be able to "save" me if it did seem to be rupturing. I said I would forego pain medication to ensure I knew if something untoward was happening.
I refused to sign the consent form. A few minutes later I had a neonatologist in my room telling me how at risk my child was (why? he was not in any distress whatsoever, according to the monitors). Besides, early childhood bonding at the moment of birth was not important, right? He threatened me: If I were by some miracle able to have this child vaginally, they would take it away for observation immediately (as I was such a high-risk, old, GD mother). I would probably not get to see him for at least an hour. Maybe more. I might even be guilty of child abuse if I refused the c-section and something went "wrong."
I wept. I held out until I could talk to my own doctor. He was about five hours from getting home. My doula had been there since early morning and she prayed with me. I was so unsure. I am so angry at myself, still, for giving in to them.
My doctor did call in a friend of his, a female doctor. I cried while talking to her. I did not want another major surgery where the first moments of my baby's life were marred with vomiting. VBACs are not a high-risk procedure. Let me try labor -- please -- and see what happens. If things get the least big scary, I will consent immediately. Please. I wanted two things: To experience the powerful emotions I had been told about at having the power to birth a baby. It is a singular moment in a woman's life, and I had never experienced it and, dammit, I wanted it more than anyone ever wanted it. Second, I wanted to be best equipped to take care of my baby. My sister left the hospital THE SAME DAY she had one of her children. I had been hospitalized for 5 days once and 6 days the second time. I could barely walk for weeks, I couldn't drive. I didn't see my children when they were first born.
The woman doctor, Nancy, assured me she would do her best to make the c-section experience better than my last ones, where I was strapped down and practically knocked out, not allowed to even look at the placenta (something I'd often heard helps understand the miracle of how a baby grows), not allowed to look over the drape or anything. I wanted to SEE MY BABY BORN.
I knew things were going to be better when we realized that, except for my husband, everyone in the operating room was female. I asked if we could say a prayer before we started, and they respected that and I prayed and poured out my feelings. My doula was in tears. (They DID break rules and allow her to accompany my husband into the OR.) To her credit, Nancy broke protocol again and put my baby boy on my gowned chest for a few seconds when he was less than a minute old. I still remember the smell of that newborn -- my older children had been shampooed and cleaned up before I ever saw or smelled them. I fingered the waxy coating on his head, saw that he had big brown eyes. THEN they whisked him away for an hour to "check him out" I begged them not to bathe him, to let me do that, but of course they didn't honor that request. (I think they've done QUITE ENOUGH for you, lady, was the attitude I got from the nursery nurses.
I am 43 now and not in condition to have more babies. I am ashamed of my body for not being able to "birth right". I am afraid for all the women who will follow me -- VBAC rates in the U.S. are dropping fast. What was once OK is now too much of a legal liability.
God, I can't believe I wrote all that. Your story really did move me. I am so sorry to dump this on you all. And please, please please, anyone who had a positive experience with a c-section, I am happy for you -- really. Something in my wiring still makes it a real regret for me.
Posted by: Kristine at Dec 8, 2004 3:58:42 PM
OMG OMG OMG. I've missed this entire happening! Imagine coming back to a blog after a week or two's abscence and discovering...a BABY!
Julie, I am so happy for you! A baby! A real live baby! With fingers! and toes! OMG! We're praying for you up here.
Be well!
Posted by: Becka at Dec 8, 2004 4:11:48 PM
Ditto, to what Becka said!
Posted by: Ellen at Dec 11, 2004 5:03:46 PM
Oh my goodness, you had the baby!!!! A big congratulations, and what a wonderful name, Charlie. I hope he's out of NICU as soon as can be and that you'll be able to go home. Happy holidays.
Posted by: Shana at Dec 26, 2004 5:18:52 PM
