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12/18/2004
Pump and circumstance
One of the most reliable predictors of breastfeeding success is how supportive your partner is. I couldn't ask for more support than Paul has given. Not only does he prepare meals while I pump, and primly tells phone callers I'm "temporarily indisposed" when they call during a pumping session instead of mooing mournfully to explain my unavailability, but he happily takes the wheel, keeping the car gliding smoothly down the highway while my Pump in Style is wheezing a mile a minute.
What, you've never pumped on the interstate?
I've been trying very hard to pump every two hours while I'm awake. Charlie is taking breast milk now, and the amount he's fed increases by a few ccs daily. Before he's taken off his IV, he'll need to be consuming 30 ccs per feeding — that's about a cup a day. And his needs will only increase from here, so I've been pumping frequently in the hope of protecting my milk supply, a phrase that brings to mind nothing so much as the armor-plated bra of Xena, Warrior Princess.
Normally I use a rented Medela Symphony. It's a hospital-grade pump, which is code for "could suck the patina off the freedom-loving coppery tits of the Statue of Liberty." To negotiate the five-hour drive home without missing a couple of pumping sessions, though, I purchased a Pump in Style, a battery-powered portable breast pump discreetly sheathed in a fake leather shoulder bag. (That would be the "style" part, I guess, though I do find the plastic nipple cones utterly ruin the fluid drape of my filthy Polarfleece pajamas. Watch the runways this spring, ladies. I am riding the crest of the fashion wave.)
For the trip, I packed up my pumping apparatus and donned a zip-front sweater for easy access. I made sure there was a warm blanket within easy reach so that I could cloak myself modestly as I pumped. And I gave the keys to Paul. At the appointed time, I made him swear he wouldn't intentionally involve us in any vehicular carnage and I unstrapped my seat belt. I unzipped my sweater, unclipped the lanolin-glazed cups of my nursing bra, conscientiously rebuckled my seat belt athwart my naked rack, and hitched myself to the pump.
Now if you've never used a double-pumping system, you might not know this: it is impossible to do it without using both hands. I suppose if you adjust the sucking strength to the "black hole" setting, the nipple cones might not need supporting, but otherwise you need to hold the collection bottles in place. This presents a problem when you're watching TV while pumping and want to change the channel (what, you think I watched "The Price is Right" because I wanted to?), or when, oh, I don't know, you're flying down I-91 in broadest daylight and want to cover your exposed nipples.
We had the blanket, so I let go of one of the suction cones for a moment to try to retrieve it from the back seat. Milk was spilled. Hilarity ensued. Sweater must be laundered, but blanket was retrieved.
Then I tried to arrange the blanket around myself without using my hands. Naturally this involved my mouth. I repeatedly grabbed the edge of the blanket with my lips and tried to tug it into place. The only thing this achieved was to give me a mouthful of fleecy lint, not unlike what you might expect after going down on a Muppet.
Finally I gave up on the troublesome convention of modesty and let the blanket go. The only people who might have seen me were any interested truckers who happened to pass. Just to be safe, when we were within striking range of a truck, I kept my eyes forward, my spine rigid, and my chin high, regally ignoring any slack-jawed stares I might have inspired.
I imagined Queen Victoria passing through the streets of London in an open barouche, infrequently offering her subjects a stiff-armed wave. I'd have waved at the truckers but I couldn't let go of the cones. Nevertheless, as Paul safely steered us clear of curious state troopers and incredulous road crews, I was every inch the naked-breasted, funnel-nippled, sticky-sweatered monarch.
A veritable goddamn Dairy Queen.
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Drat, I should have gotten you this!
http://www.affordablebreastpumps.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=560
Holycrap! "going down on a muppet" was the funniest thing I may have have ever read.
This is the best line I've read in a LONG time...
"The only thing this achieved was to give me a mouthful of fleecy lint, not unlike what you might expect after going down on a Muppet."
OMG- I just want to die laughing!!!
I'm still ROFLMAO at:
could suck the patina off the freedom-loving coppery tits of the Statue of Liberty
God, does that bring back memories. I pumped and pumped for my son while he was in the NICU after he was born. And then when he was home we mixed the breastmilk with a high calorie formula so I pumped and pumped while he slept.
I did find a way of doing it without hands, though. I would sit cross legged and when I wanted a free hand I would lean forward, push the back of the cone into my calf or thigh to hold it in place and use my hand to do what I needed. I usually surfed the net while I was pumping so I only needed to click or scroll occationally.
Good luck, my dear! Wish you all the best.
I don't know if I'm delurking, or if I've posted here before, but none the less...
Consider this good practice. Wait until you have a house full of family (including father in law) and you refuse to spend one more moment stuck by yourself in a room feeding Charlie so you venture out and try nursing with said blanket. Your hot, he's hot AND he soon learns to yank the blanket down when you least suspect it.
Or, my favorite is nursing while the baby is in the carseat and your husband is driving 65 MPH down the highway AND your husband is reminding you not to flash the truck drivers and little old ladies AND the car seat is pressing into your ribcage.
The fun keeps coming...but stick with it...it's so much better than having to wash bottles!
Pumping humor! It's about time. Nobody's doing pumping humor out there. The field is yours and yours alone! I eagerly await your comedy tour.
NICU-related exhaustion plus pumping can be dangerous. This one time, I dozed off while double-pumping with a hospital-grade rental. One cone slid to the side, not only spilling precious drops of milk (oh, the tragedy!) but also vacuuming the areola (oh, the pain!). I think it sucked the patina right off that areola. (This incident was separate from when the pump vacuumed that skin tag right off the boob.)
Good times, good times...
My hospital grade pump sounded so oddly like the everlasting gobstopper machine from Willy Wonka, that for the first few weeks of our NICU time, I couldn't pump without simultaneously humming, "Oompa, Loompa, Loompa-de-doo" and also imitating the sucking noise with my mouth. Pumping sucks......the nursing is much better once you get the hang of it.
B
Not to mention--when you're wearing your Medela cones, you're hardly topless. You are as ready as Lil' Kim for the MTV Awards!
I've BTDT on the pumping...not so fun. The pump is the ultimate ball and chain. Breastfeeding in the presence of others works fine, as long as the mom is comfortable with it...but pumping, not so much.
Beyond basic commiseration, I did want to add that there are hands-free pumping bras out there. I know lots of women who get so good at using these they're able to pump and type at the same time. Might be worth looking into....even if Charlie latches like a champ once he's able and you don't have to pump as much, you will probably still want to pump some so that he can have a breastmilk when you're not around.
...that is, a BOTTLE of breastmilk when you're not around.
I've pumped on I-95, I-81, Routes 29 and 15, the PA turnpike, the NY thruway and let's see...what else? Oh yes, the Capital Beltway, the Beeline and somewhere on some road outside Orlando. Never could get the hang of doing both sides at once, though. I was strictly a one at a time kind of girl.
Give it a couple weeks/months - sooner or later you'll dispense with the blanket. I figured anyone invested in figuring out what I was doing while they were driving deserved whatever they saw. My husband said more than once he noticed tractor trailers giving us a fair leeway to pass, no doubt informed by their CB-toting brethren of the crazy lady milking herself, coming up in the left.
HAHAHAHA
"Statue of Liberty"
HAHAHAHA
"Going down on a Muppet"
HAHAHAHA
"Oompa Loompa"
I fucking love this place.
I never really got the hang of two handed pumping, but I've pumped while driving on the Capital Beltway during rush hour. I've also pumped (with an Isis pump) in a theater, which somehow makes me the Alanis Morrisette of the pumping crowd.
There's nothing like the thrill the first time you fill up one of those little bottles. Unfortunately, the first time I managed to do so, I proudly held up the bottle to show my husband and in my sleep-deprived state, spilled it all over the place.
There is an odd attachment that envolves rubber bands and these spike-y cone things that make the the pump hands free. I think medela sells them. They are strange, but they work!
BTDT on the pumping while driving down the highway, but umm, I was the one driving...
Definitely look into the hands free pumping bras, but here's how I pumped one handed. Put cone on left side, tuck into crook of left elbow. Put cone on right side, use left hand to hold right cone. Viola, right hand is now free.
I wish you much continued succes with this. I pumped for 21 months for my son (due to food allergies) and by the end, probably could have ridden a bike and pumped...
Going back into lurkdom...
My old friend (soon to be ex-friend, thank God!), the Medela Symphony. Double pumping is a pain in the ass, isn't it. I too often have little milk trails down my poochy stomach every time I attempt to do something else for Just One Second. It seems that I cannot grasp the fact that "maybe this time it'll work" is never going to be a reality. I've taken to wrapping a towel around my stomach and tucking it behind my back; keeps the gut from feeling any draft (why be overly uncomfortable as well as incredibly bored) and catches all that spillage.
I can very much relate to this post. Except for pumping on the interstate. And of course, going down on a Muppet. Haven't done that yet.
A very simple way around the hands-free stuff - get a tight bra and cut holes in the cups the size of the breast pump attachments. I just used pre-pregnancy bras. I did this all the time for my twins - I would feed them, change them, do the dishes, type on the computer, etc. while pumping. It made it much, much easier. Sending good thoughts for Charlie.
Hands free pumping - I have the pump-in-style.
I took an old, very tight bra (this is important), cut 2 small holes out of the front (like where your nipples are) and wa-la, you have a hands-free pumping bra. Just position the cones through the little holes in the bra. I further used the battery pack in a fanny-pack and then could walk around the house. Granted, you can't bend over w/o spilling milk but the freedom was awesome! Give it a try - easy, free. My dh would just never let me leave the house this way...
Congratulations on Charlie...sigh.
Have to add that I, too, snorted and laughed out loud at "going down on a Muppet." DAMN, you are funny!
And to write with such humour during such a stressful time...well, you ROCK.
Charlie is one lucky kid.
julie--email me if you and your breasts think you might fit into a pumping bustier that's a size 38. it would enable you to double-pump hands-free, and since pumping just didn't work out for me, i'd be happy to send it your way.
Ummm...so this is illegal...but I had to pump in the car...while I was driving. Not fun...definitely took some effort. Just use the elbow to hold the one and your hand to hold the other....and of course, one to steer.
I think this is wonderful that you're pumping...KEEP IT UP...it'll be great for Charlie - makes him stronger every day!!!
Amatauer! ;-p
You can buy bras which will hold the tit-bits securely to your anatomy allowing for handsfree pumping (motherwear.com sells them, as does birthandbaby.com).
As a veteran pumper (12 months for my daughter, 5 months and counting for my son), I can balance the bottles on my knees, whilst maintaing adequate suction, and continue to work, participate in conference calls, and (the most likely scenario) Blog or fool around on my forums.
Holy shit, how can you be so funny in the midst of such a horrendously stressful time? And for those of you who have pumped while driving your car--it might be illegal, as Toni noted, but seriously, if any cop pulls you over, just show him your incredibly swollen, vein-ridden, bricks-strapped-to-chest tits, and explain the situation. I wouldn't worry about getting a ticket--He'll probably run in fear.
you are fucking hilarious!
Julie, There are two products out there that I know of for hands free pumping. When I visited a store called the Upper Breast Side a couple of days ago, the staff said that the bustier by Easy Expression Products, www.EasyExpression.com, was the favorite. But if you don't fit into their sizes, there's also a Pumping Band from Made By Moms that has over-the-shoulder straps and looks adjustable.
I'm not sure I really want you to get these products, however, because your stories without are so entertaining.
Kiss Charlie for me.
Ada
So much here to love. I loved "black hole setting," myself. Monarch, goddess, choose either title for yourself. And man, does this bring back those Percocet-tinged memories.
Pumped for my firstborn. A little hand held model. Never going down a highway, and NEVER while going down on a Muppet.
Just one question:
When going down on a Muppet -- spit, or swallow?
Mollie, as The Puppet Lady, you must have some opinion on this.
Oh, and Amy? When I first read your comment, too quickly, I thought you were telling Julie about going down on a hand puppet.
FWIW, I will offer my endorsement of the above-referenced "Easy Expression Bustier." Yes, it looks ridiculous, but it was comfortable (as comfortable as it ever is attaching vacuum devices to your nipples) and permitted me to do something other than cry and worry (like read, talk on the phone, watch TV, or use the computer) while pumping 10+ times a day.
Thankfully, we are now well beyond that period and if you would like me to send a "gently used" size M to your P.O. box, I would be happy to. Also gathering dust is a set of the way-overpriced Medela-to-Avent converters that allow you to pump directly into Avent bottles, and I'd be happy to throw those in as well, if you would find them useful.
Thanks for sharing yourself so generously and hilariously with us.
Well, until recently it was legal to *nurse* while driving in the state of Michigan, so I can't imaging pumping while driving, or riding, is particularly illegal.
"...could suck the patina off the freedom-loving coppery tits of the Statue of Liberty..."
O.M.G. I am dying laughing.
Oh, the spilt and dribbled fluids... sigh.... I pumped daily for a year for my son. I'm not a leaker, yet you can't help but dribble. So you smell like milk. Soon, you smell like slightly sour milk. When you start feeding Charlie directly, he'll very likely urp milk back onto you, and as its been treated with baby-human-rennet at that point, it will curdle and smell like yogurt. Pretty soon you'll start smelling like an old hippy's organic dairy barn. And there's pretty much nothing you can do about it ;)
I usually manage to jam one container against my keyboard tray and the other I prop against my arm. Fun times. I have a pumping bra on the way. I have a friend who used to hit the Starbucks' drive-through daily while pumping on her way to work. She's my hero. And so are you - protect that precious supply. It'll all be worth it.
I'm putting my hands free pumping bra in the mail to you tommorow. It a Medium so I'm guessing it'll be OK. It's not like it's a particularly fitted thing anyway. ;)
Happy pumping (if such a thing is possible).
I hope that little guy is firmly attached to your breast himself, very soon!
Girl, you need to grab an old sports bra and cut 2 holes in it that go right over the nipples. Hook the pumping horns into the holes and it will hold them in place. Not the height of fashion, but it saved my life while using my Medela PIS. I could read a magazine or even surf the internet while pumping totally hands free. And it's cheap, too.
You got yourself a good pump there, though. Those PIS are awesome (not quite as good as the hospital grade pump but much more portable!)
Hahahahahahahaaaaaa.......!
Long live the Dairy Queen. I've been waiting a long time to hear your take on the crusty bits of motherhood (the boobs n' poop elements of love) and I must say, it's been worth it. You are so funny. So very, very funny. I love you.
I was lucky enough to only be a vanity pumper -- just pumping a few ounces with an Avent Isis hand pump, under the mistaken assumption that if my son was offered a bottle of mamamilk he would take it. (He wouldn't. For six months straight, I ate three meals a day with one hand, supporting him to nurse with the other. Even ate sushi with chopsticks left-handed once.) But boob exposure on the highway, THAT I know something about. You know how babies are supposed to fall asleep instantly in their car seats? Yeah. Mine didn't do that. Instead he SCREAMED. A girlfriend suggested that I nurse him while we drove. "You've got big boobs, you can do it," she said. So throughout the first year of my son's life, whenever we had a car trip of more than 20 minutes, you could find me kneeling on the back seat next to his car seat, shirt up, breast in hand, shoving my nipple into his mouth. THERE IS NO WAY TO DO THIS DISCRETELY. Luckily, I was always too busy thinking about my next meal to give a shit who saw my naked breast.
Did I mention how funny this entry is? My best to you, Paul and Charlie.
Of course the irony is that the only person who wasn't in a position to see what was going on in the right front seat of the car was me. The overlay of electric-motor noise and giant sucking sounds kept making me want to look over and see what was going on, but I primly kept my eyes on the road.
On the way back, we chose the most deserted, dimly-lit rest stop parking lots we could find to change drivers...
It's like the 2004 equivalent of mooning truckers in the 70s!!
Yes, have pumped on the interstate.
Lost all modesty by the time baby was 3 months old. Go ahead world, look all you want! This baby has got to eat.
"going down on a muppet"
Kermit will never seem the same again...
i'm pumping with my medela while i type and read this!! and pumping down the interstate??? totally been there!
Too many pumping memories came back with that one! Too, too funny. Now I can't get "yellow ballon" out of my head. That was the soundtrack in my head to the groaning mechanical pump-in-style sound. Yellow ballon, Yellow balloon.
Dona, Sara and Kelly have it right - after a while you'll balance those bottles on your knees by ever so slightly bending the back, and be able to type/read/channel surf at will. Of course, by the time you have it all figured out, Charlie will be old enough not to need pumped milk, but that's just what happens...
With my twins I would get up every other night at least twice to pump on one side and nurse on the other so the following night I could sleep while the DH gave the waker upper a bottle. That way I got to sleep every 36 hours instead of never. When you get to nurse on one side and pump on the other, woah Nellie! milk galore!
Lord everyone who came into my house got to see my boobs. I was like 'whoops! two hours gotta pump or feed' and everytime my little bundle o'joy squawked I offered him a boob in a attempt to keep up productino
it failed, but my modesty? totally gone.
You *can* double pump without both hands....best pumping product I ever bought:
http://www.easyexpressionproducts.com/
Going down on a muppet. Ha ha. I couldn't believe I read that. I had to go back and make sure I read it right. I've never pumped on the interstate. I have used those NICU pumps. Holy mother of god was that enough to suck the skin off my boob! Good luck pumping and hopefully Charlie will be attached soon.
ROFLMAO!!! My gawd, Julie, you just get better!
I have to stop reading these comments though, I think I'm experiencing let down and it's been over 2 years since I've nursed! I was never as coordinated as any of you and was relieved when I was laid off and could go back home to nurse in peace!
Drink lots of water! Your fluid intake is directly proportionate to your milk production!
delurking w/ some more pumping advice...I EP'd for around 8 weeks when my twins were in the NICU and found all sorts of ways to pump AND get shit done. It takes awhile to get the hang of it, but you will. Definitely get the hands-free bra or make one with an old sports bra. I finally found it easier to hold one pump in the crook of my bended arm and the other with the hand of the same arm. make sense? I then had a hand free to change the channel, feed a baby w/ bottle, etc.
My best pumping story would be when the pest control guys showed up to spray my house and there I was in all my pumping glory, boobs hanging out attached to lovely cone-shaped device that wheezed and coughed. Man, they must have had a good laugh when they got back to the truck. Thing is, by that point I didn't even care.
You're doing great, keep up the good work. EVERY 2 HOURS??!! Man, I'm impressed!
Kristin in VA
it is impossible to do it without using both hands.
I think I worked out some sort of wire thingy (bent coat-hanger) that made it possible to double-pump one-handed at work.
All hail your copper-bottomed tits.
As someone who's read endlessly on this subject, and who aspires to be a parenting humor writer, this is, hands-down, the funniest take on it I've yet to see. You are fucking HILARIOUS, woman. It's really great to see you embarking on this part of the journey, by the way. I've been rooting for you from afar for quite some time.
What a hoot! Brought back lots of memories - I pumped for 8 months, b/c my son wouldn't bf and I wouldn't let him get over on getting breastmilk. I used hospital-grade for 2 months and Pump N Style the rest of the time. Back then, they had a car adapter which I did use.
I was cursed in being a slow-release b/c pumping was 45 minutes of so each time for me. I could also do the one-armed pump, but more often I would lean over (I sat at the edge of a cushy chair) and rest it all on my knees/inner thighs.
Congrats on keeping it up. I know how hard it is.