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01/23/2005
Sometimes I frighten even myself
Sure, this is sick...
...but I think this is probably worse.
Thanks to m. for the link.
Comments (112)
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Oh. My. God. Please, tell me that the first one there is someone's sick idea of a joke...A collectible preemie???? (Says the woman who preferred the Cabbage Patch Kid Preemie's because they were "so cute")
Yipes. And I thought *this* was weird:
http://www.knitty.com/ISSUEwinter04/PATTwomb.html
(and, incidentally, you slay me)
I'd like to think it was because it you were sleep-deprived, but I've been watching and learning your sense of humour over the lsat few months, so I know that's not the case. Keeps me coming back, anyway...
And can you imagine going into someone's house where they had one of those? what a shock you'd get as you walked in and saw their newborn teetering dangerously close to the edge of the mantelpiece...
That is so fucking perfect that I can't even believe it.
Just who, exactly, is the targe audience?
I hope, seriously, that you emailed that to the company. Please do. They need to get a clue.
"She is a fine collectible to be enjoyed by adult collectors." Sounds to me like the same target audience that might appreciate beauty contests for little girls (JonBenet...).
Julie, I was almost afraid we'd lost ya' to the land of bliss until the Herb Alpert album cover -- which I clearly remember -- and now most definitely this.
Gawd Julie! I pissed myself laughing!! You have an incredible sense of humor and gift for words!
I am glad that Charlie is past that stage now and settling nicely at home!
You are doing great!
Oh. My. God.
That is one healthy 15.5 inch preemie: look at all those layers of fat! All those adorable ankle and wrist wrinkles, and they're well poofed up with fat! That is one fat, healthy preemie! Someone has fed this baby the miracle cure, because all three preemies I saw up close and personal had significant baggy skin problems. And they were born at 16.5 inches and up, so they must have been a couple of weeks farther along than this little tike at least.
You forgot to mention that the baby should come with realistic hardened skin patches and white scars on its cheeks, from the surgical tape used to hold the baby's oxygen tubes (CPAP and canula) in place. And underneath the adorable cap--which should, of course, be a tube of stockinette pulled off a roll and tied with curling ribbon--there should be another IV bruise, from the head IV done after all the little arm and leg veins had bruised and collapsed.
Any thoughts on these dolls?http://www.preemiedolls.com/index.html
I personally think that a few of the kids' preemie outfits are more than sufficient to convey just how small they once were. But that's just me.
Now THAT's the most lifelike preemie doll evar. Good job.
J = Pure genius.
Evidently there is quite a market for premature infant dolls.
http://www.homestead.com/godslittleones/index.html
fucking creepy!
Brilliant Julie.
I was just thinking about those preemie Cabbage Patch dolls recently. They were all the rage in elementary school. They were a little smaller and they came bald. It seems insane now.
I was just thinking about those preemie Cabbage Patch dolls recently. They were all the rage in elementary school. They were a little smaller and they came bald. It seems insane now.
AFH. Absolutely Fucking Hilarious
Oh my gosh, I saw that ad in the coupons with Sunday's newspaper. Craziness. And what's with the baby's upper lip? Looks like there's a wart or something on it.
I saw this doll today in the paper and immediately thought of you. How funny that you saw it too!
I really enjoy your Blog, and your sense of gallows humor. And I agree with you wholeheartedly about the pregnancy boards - gack! What a bunch of maroons. I didn't last a month.
Take care,
Amy
Gotta love that realistic puce skin tone.
It gets worse - there are people who take those dolls appart and build them back with "breathing" ability and beating "hearts".
I don't know whether to laugh or puke.
Seriously.
Are they fucking KIDDING me??!
Do you know how hard it is to get Diet Code Red Mountain Dew out of the cracks of a Titanium Powerbook's keyboard?
I.DO.
(I.DEW?)
Damnitalltohell.
Um, okay. Now I've seen it all.
PS way to stroke a path, baby!
It's true--that's the chubbiest damned preemie I've ever seen!
it reminds me of when we brought our son home from the NICU. We had to stop at Target for something and the sales girl asked to see him. We lifted the flap of his car seat carrier and she exclaimed about how she just loved preemies because they were so cute. Sounded strange to me then, too. Well, she was so young, just a teenager. But these Doll people should know better.
Not stunned at your correction. Stunned at the original idea.
I think you should send your corrected advertisement to them.
Went to that http://www.homestead.com/godslittleones/index.html
Only thing I can think is that the market for these is grieving parents who want to try to memorialize an ideal version of their baby as just very small but otherwise pink, fat, and healthy. The one that they show with a picture of the real micropreemie she was modelled on makes that pretty clear. I can see that someone who never got to hold her micropreemie during a NICU stay might want to be able to go back and do it - sort of.
This page:
http://www.homestead.com/godslittleones/micropreemies.html
was especially that way. portraying 6-7-8 wk gestation babies with the faces of happy full-term babies.
You have extraordinary PhotoShop skills!
"Hank at 25 weeks with real one day old Springer Spaniel puppy.
Real puppy not included."
Real puppy not included.
OK. That micropreemie doll page is too much. The 8-week gestation fetus *in clothes* was startling enough...then I saw the picture with the mugs and the apples, which just...Damn.
ROFLMAO .. After having friends go through the preemie thing .. I don't see how anyone thinks that it's "cute". I would say .. miracle, lots of long nights, hard work, but never cute. Although Charlie is pretty darned handsome if you ask me.
Ha! You rock.
That other website, though, with the apples and baby bunnies? Freaky.
The "simulated plastic incubator" and the "cry box" on the micropremies site are . . .just wrong, very wrong. In fact, I gotta say, there is just something kinda wrong with the whole thing. Thank you Julie for your sense of humor and amazing photoshop skills.
*SWEARWORD*
You are amazing! I love your version of the doll, much more realistic......
P.S. Did you get my giftcard??
Aieeeeee!
When will I ever learn not to have either food or beverages in my mouth when I read your site.
I just about choked to death on a Hershey's hug. That would have been a nice way for my mother to find me. Slumped over my laptop, dead, with chocolate oozing out of my mouth and your site up on my computer with the Herb Albert album.
You've got to be kidding me with the collector preemie doll. Gee, I should get one for my mother so she can relive my entrance into the world 7 weeks early. That'll kill her for sure.
And as for the knitted womb?!
You are a funny, funny woman!
OH, PLEASE DO AS CECILY SUGGESTED...PUHLEEZE...I'll pay you to do it!
I saw that ad in the circulars this week. Romanticizing the preemie. Yuck.
that is so. wrong.
and yet so funny.
I think it was the "bilubrin light" link that did it for me. But now I'm chuckling like a maniac and have to somehow manage to explain why I'm laughing to my wife.
--FD
That "micropreemie" page -- yiiikes. I don't care if you're pro-choice or not, there's something extreeemely wrong and strange about six-week-old-embryo dolls dressed in little outfits and nestled into tiny bassinettes with itty-bitty teddy bears. And when it's suggested that such a thing is a fitting memorial to a lost pregnancy -- well, I have no words.
Okay, that is scary, yes, but after seeing the second picture I have never laughed so hard! I am not saying that I laugh at all preemies... hell, I was one, but that was NOT what I expected!!! Did you do the, um, I hesitate to say, Modifications, yourself? If so, pretty damned good!
Goddamn Julie, that is some ill shit.
Rock On.
Oh.my.god.
Who THINKS of these things? I do like you version more but, you know what? I bet there is some freak out there who would actually buy yours. It takes all sorts, I guess, but man...
Every time I think I've seen the bottom of the no-taste-and-creepy barrell, something like this comes along.
So many, many levels of wrongness.
Can't remember who first coined the saying, "You are sick and twisted. I like that in a person." Julie, you are hilarious. And those ads (the real ones) are simply bizarre.
Damn! That's just...damn! I just moseyed on over to the godslittleones website and damn! That's some weird shit.
Err..sorry, I'm not usually so expletive-y, but um...oh. Strange. I saw my daughter at 8 weeks gestation on an ultrasound and she had flippers. I don't think I could have put a toque on her. Err. the part where they say they recommend dressing the dolls for use with children for modesty's sake? That's some freaky shit too.
Julie, you are hilarious. I love the photoshopping. And I sympathize with you about the yeast infection. i had mastitis three times and it felt like someone put a bag of hot razor blades in my boob. My favourite part is when the doctors say "the best thing to do is let them nurse a lot on it." Um, yeah, 'cause that feels good.
Maybe it was the sheer contrast of the peaceful- looking little doll with the reality of what a premature baby experiences as a welcome to our world - people are so funny. I cried reading your "ad". Please, please send it to the makers of the preemie doll.
The bloody sock from the PKU test (I can only assume) is creeping me out a little . . .
Honestly, who was the 'genius' who thunk that one up?
Found on http://www.homestead.com/godslittleones/microplasticase.html
(and a few more pro-life sort of sites, from a quick googling)
"11 weeks Baby can now smile and can urinate."
WTF?
Found on http://www.homestead.com/godslittleones/microplasticase.html
(and a few more pro-life sort of sites, from a quick googling)
"11 weeks Baby can now smile and can urinate."
WTF?
My mom and I were in a "collectible doll" store once and they had hyper-realistic baby dolls and "preemie" dolls as well. We decided the dolls were cute the way animals preserved by taxidermy are cute.
Not very cute.