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02/04/2005
WWM throwdown
Tertia claims she's the world's worst mother. But the crown is not uncontested: I contend that I, too, am in the running. See, I'm so bad at keeping Charlie's nails from turning into razor-sharp talons that the poor kid looks like he was in a goddamn bar fight from scratching his own face. I am imagining a gang of pissed-off babies whacking their bottles against the edge of the bar to make a jagged edge for menacing their tiny enemies. I am fashioning a teeny bandana for him in his gang's colors, in fact.
I haven't the heart to tell him that tiny ducks scattered on a background of butter yellow won't exactly strike mortal terror into the hearts of his arch-rivals.
I clip his nails frequently, but always forget to use a junior-sized emery board to round off the sharp corners. Even so, at ten weeks old — ten weeks old tomorrow! — he has a nicer-looking manicure than I do. We will not talk about the haircut I was due to have two days after his birth and never rescheduled, or the lizardy dry patches of skin I can't be bothered to moisturize, or the appalling state of my toenails, pedicured five days postpartum and neglected ever since. (Talk about razor-sharp talons, to say nothing of the giant flakes of Essie's Scarlett O'Hara that trail behind me everytime I go barefoot.) I shower every day, but until I do, I shuffle around the house in a saggy plaid bathrobe and a lanolin-stained nursing bra pulled up over my breasts but not fastened, with my scaly, hairy legs as awkwardly naked as if I were poultry.
So not only does my infant son bear more picturesque facial scarring than a Barbary corsair, I have officially let myself go. Not only am I negligent, I'm ugly to boot. Top that, Tertia, you asshole.
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Mmm... you sound purty. It's not like Charlie is telling the other guys at the bar, "Man, you should see the state of my Momma, she really let herself go"
I believe I've topped Tertia, and now I'm going to attempt to do the same for you, since you bring up nails.
I stopped cutting my daughter's finger and toenails after an incident where I accidentally cut some finger skin during a nail trimming. I've been traumatized ever since. It's not so bad now (they just get dirty with playdough, etc.) but when she was younger she ended up scratching herself quite a bit. The worst thing that happened was that she got an ingrown toenail/toe infection due to my neurotic lack of attention. This was excruciatingly painful for her and left me tearing my hair out at the roots!
Now, DH does her nails. Always.
I think NEITHER of you is anywhere close to that award. :P Out of all the horrendeous abuse and neglect cases out there, I think a few long finger nails and chilly babies is nothing. You are both doing a fabulous wonderful job--and loving your kids so much--that is what really counts. 10 weeks!! WOW!
Julie,
Yes, my kids too are always sporting a few facial scratches. As much as I clip, I can't seem to keep up with the growth. At some point soon I'm hoping these masochistic behaviors will taper off.
Soon after my kids were born I'd regularly show up for stuff with spit-up on my shoulders and thick smudges of eye make-up on my cheekbones. There aren't a lot of mirrors in my house and it's a good thing because it wouldn't have made a difference and who needs to be reminded? After my pregnancy my body was a battered shell and there wasn't a second to pee let alone primp.
Early motherhood seems to entail a grody phase. Speaking of which, my babies are smelling like old men at the moment. I should go bathe them.
Joanne
Wow, 10 weeks. Awesome. I'm sure neither you nor Tertia is anywhere near claiming the WWM prize.
OMG, I love the nursing bra flaps up but not snapped. That is exactly how I wandered around the house the first 10 weeks or so. I actually got to work the other day and began getting ready to pump. Lo and behold, one of my flaps was undone. I love it!
Guysm I know it sounds gross....but I have always bitten my babys nails off. I had no clue how to get something that huge to clip a nail. Those clippers are the size of her whole finger. Anyways, while she is nursing I stick her little somewhat clean paw in my mouth and nibble away. Its always worked for me!!! She is now 11 months old and never has scratches!!!
You shower every day?
Lightweight.
Shower every day? My guy is 15 months old and I STILL don't get a shower every day.
re: nails; I ended up biting them off him for the first few months rather than clip them; it was a lot easier to get the edges. Sadly, I'm not the only mother I know who did this.
I haven't showered in 3 days.....
I'm a nail biter too. I chew on Harrison's nails while he's nursing. As for my own nails? I just noticed that there is still some nail polish on my baby toe from my pedicure in September...
Eeeewwwwwwww!
PLAID!
My son spent the first few months of his life with the handle "Edward Scissorhands." His face looked like he'd been pecked by rabid chickens.
Sounds like you're doing just fine, and I bet Charlie thinks you're gorgeous.
yeah-you and Tertia are sort of gross images-however-how absolutely geeked are both of you that you get to lament over baby nails and nursing bras? I still get weepy when I realize that you both did it! How f'ing awesome. (By the way-I don't even have babies yet and somedays I still don't get to shower-I can't even fathom how filthy I will be once I do have a child.) Much love to you and your wonderful, smelly, scratchy, raggedy nailed family. :)
I don't know. I demand photographic evidence of your personal neglect. The same for Tertia, and then we'll vote to see who wins the WWM award. I doubt either of you are anywhere near as bad as you say! Besides, more cute baby pics are required.
Yeah, lets see pics of how ugly you are! We can't possibly vote if we don't have proof.
Brenda...
(who just had a pre-transfer pedicure and has pink and blue toes)
Good lord, it's been 14 months and I still don't shower everyday. But then we've all been sick a lot lately, so why shower when you can get an extra 10 minutes of sweet sweet sleep?
A white trash lady once told me: Bite them off and don't worry about it. At the time I had no children and I was apalled. Now, I am that white trash lady. Bite away, is my motto.
So uh, out of curiousity, what would Charlie's gang color be? Red bandana or blue?
i have a 12 month old and i JUST (at 2pm) got out of my flannel nightie. you RULE!
I'm only 18 weeks pregnant and I already don't shower every day, so I think you're doing pretty good. I have a blue cloud bathrobe. I slap on some makeup, running pants and a t shirt before DH comes home each night so he doesn't know the full extent of my revulsion.
I don't even wanna see what I'm going to look like with a newborn.
Fine!
Although I've got court papers saying I'm the world's worst mother (this is a signed affidavit, ladies), I will gladly give up my throne to you and Tertia.
Where do I send the crown?
I'm only 9 1/2 weeks pregnant and I don't shower every day. And my legs are unshaven and my scalp and skin are scaly. And they don't MAKE bras big enough for these puppies.
Are you telling me this actually gets WORSE??
Happy 10 weeks Charlie!
Wow...10 weeks already. Unbelievable! I'm going to check with my mom now to see if she ever bit any of our nails off. Would explain the total aversion I have to nail biting now!!!
LMAO!! the poultry comment made me gag/choke...LMAO!!
Okay - this is bad but I used to bite my daughter's nails when she was a baby! I was the bad mama that cut her little skin when I tried to use the clippers :( Then I switched to a file...either way she still seemed to manage to wake up with the little nail cuts on her face, too. The day after she was born (and before any type of nail trimming had taken place) they brought her to me from the nursery and her little face was sliced up!
Anyway - LOL to the baby bar fight :) Fun visual!
Amateurs! Both of you.
Signed mother to a 4.5 year old who cut her own hair last weekend while I was ingnoring her in favor of blogging and a 6.5 month old who was chewing on a toy that one of the cats had peed on.
Further, my legs and pits are unshaved, I haven't had a haircut since I was about 6 months pregnant with the boy, and I only get dressed when I have to leave the house for work or the grocery store. If I got to shower everyday, I'd be thrilled.
Charlie only scratches his face? Amateur. My son is 13 months and I always know when I need to cut his nails because his ass is covered in welts. Yeah, champion ass-scratcher. So manly. We're so proud.
Oh, you guys... just wait till you have to call the poison control center. I've had to do this twice now, the first when my oldest ate some of my hanging philedendron plant (I was vacuuming the house with her in a baby backpack and couldn't see what she was up to until she threw up all over.) And the second time when my youngest vomitted after sucking on a dandruff shampoo bottle while I bathed the eldest. The worst part is when they ask you your name and phone number and you wonder "are they reporting me to CPS????" :-0 Fortunately, no one has ever shown up at my door to collect them (at least not yet.) And never mind the incident when my eldest at around 11 months discovered how to unplug the AC adapter from the baby monitor and stick it in her mouth. There's nothing like a 9V electric shock to get your kid screaming.
I'm sure you and Tertia are doing an excellent job mothering your sweet little babes! And happy 10 wk birthday Charlie.
You may be a Terrible Mother, but you are also a Hilarious and Fabulous Writer. Barbary corsairs? Popomatic hernias? Not to mention your chickenerrific legs. Love it!
My son is now almost 5, and I haven't trimmed his nails in a long time. He peels or bites his fingernails and beats me to it. (I'm not sure how exactly he's keeping his toenails short.) Is that a bad thing? Damn, he's inherited my old nail-biting habit. It must be genetic.
1. Can't wait to see a pic of Charlie in a bandana.
2. Essie's Scarlett O'Hara!!!!! My absolute all-time favorite. It's the only color I use. (seriously - fingers & toes for about 15 years now.)
At least you get to blame your (lack of) personal hygiene on the baby. I, on the other hand, have no excuse for my general stink, hairy legs, or talon-like toenails.
My son is 2.5 years old and the kid has never once had his nails clipped!!! Top that. The kid moves like lightening .. I'd probably end up snipping off a finger or two .. I figure scratches heal faster!!!
Real moms dont take showers....
Thats my motto.
I mean what do you do with that crazy baby....plus...when you finally get the chance your butt ends up crashed out on the sofa. I have to admit a couple weeks ago I went two FULL days with no shower. I have never done that in my life. Talk about stinch. Shaved legs???? Maybe once every 4 months and I dont even shave them I use NAIR!!!! Bras???? Are only for when I actually leave the lions den. I cant imagine how some women look so great and get to take showers and look all pretty!!! Like you see some celebrity moms do....how do they do it. Oh yeah! They have NANNYS!!!!!
Also, why cut? Nails are like hair you cut them and they grow FASTER!!! I have never cut Gwyns toenails...she is 11 months old!!! I bite the rest off but I cant get up the courage to stick her feet in my mouth! I dont know why I am sure they are cleaner than her hands!!!!
Every mother does at least one thing that makes her believe she's the world's worst mother. When my oldest was but 8 days old, I was so tired that I fell asleep nursing him on the couch. We both woke up to him crying because he rolled off my lap and onto the floor. Thank God our couch was really low to the ground.
As for letting yourself go, most of us do that to.
This is our favorite game. Mother guilt. Nobody wins, believe me. But I heard the funniest story from my dear sister-in-law. When her daughter was about two all of her toenails fell off! Want to know why? Her shoes were too small and her mother just kept cramming her feet into them. It seems she didn't complain or something.
I took a corner going pretty fast one day and looked back to find my daughter in her car seat completely sideways. I hadn't strapped her in! It would have been hilarious if I hadn't been totally neurotic about child seat safety. I have since earned the nickname with family and friends of "Car Seat Natzi". It's my job. I'm very proud.
Your post is a vivid reminder of a time we all as mothers have lived. You put it so well.
Oh, I remember those tiny little nails and they are razor sharp and constantly growing. Sadly, I still take better care of my daughter's nails than my own.
Shower daily? I used to do it just for the few minutes alone and in peace. Actually, it still suits that purpose and is generally accepted by the household as completely necessary.
So I recommend long showers, who cares about shaving your legs. There will probably be no naked wrestling for a few weeks anyways.
I've got to say, you and Tertia are so so out of your league in the World's Worst Mother contest (WWM contest). Yesterday, for example, my daughter started whining because I wouldn't change the movie in the DVD player for her when we were driving to school (I was willing to play the movie, or a CD, but wasn't willing to change the DVD). This exchange culminated in my playing country music really really loud so that I couldn't hear her whining as we drove along. I remember thinking about the fact that loud bad music was apparently the way that they "tortured" the Panamanian detectator of his sanctuary. So, I think I win the WWM contest for yesterday.
bj
ugh, "tortured" the Panamanian dictator out of his sanctuary.
bj
Welcome to motherhood! You smell, feel inadequate, but wouldn't change your situation for anything. I love it!
Just do wht I did and put a pair of baby socks on his hands. You know, like little mittens. :)
I beat you. I left my three month old daughter outside my apartment door yesterday. She was in her carseat. I put her down to open the door. I went inside, took my shoes off, went pee and then realized the poor girl was still outside! Lucky for me noone snatched her and she didn't wake up. I hate cutting there little finger nails. I would rather clean poop! Welcome to motherhood. Where your baby dresses nicer then you, and even pooping 3 times a day, smells nicer. Where dinner is always cold and kisses warm the heart.
Forget the clippers. Bite them off. Not only are they soft enough to do it, it can be a bonding experience. By the third child I couldn't even tell you if I owned a set of clippers.
once when i couldn't find the wee little clippers, I thought, 'oh, c'mon, it couldn't be so bad to use regular clippers!' moments later, a drop of bright red blood welling up from the finger next to the one I was clipping, and a newborn's horrified look of betrayal preceding her squall. My tender memory of the first time I hurt my child. hand over the crown, hon. You don't know who you're up against.
My mom-in-law gave me tiny mittens to put on the baby because her son had scratched himself and left a permanent scar. So my son, of course, got chickenpox which left a permanent scar. It's FATE, I tell you, FATE.
So.... when do we get a new sidebar, you lazy mama, you?
> Pregnant
> Doubling hCG. Spotting and freaking. Heartbeat. > Still growing. Still freaking.