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03/30/2005
Fire drill
In response to my last post, some of you are noodling around the question of whom you'd save from a burning building, your spouse or your kid. Putting aside the extreme unlikelihood of ever needing to make that choice, your comments have made me consider the question myself. I am finding it a difficult conundrum, so I have made a chart to help me choose. To wit:
| Paul | Charlie |
|---|---|
| Snores | Snorts |
| Admires my rack | Eyes my rack with a wary, hunted look |
| Acts excited and pleased when I handle his scrotum | Pees indignantly on me when I handle his |
| Bakes homemade sourdough bread | Produces small-batch artisan cheese in the folds of his neck |
| Dark, luxuriant, glossy hair | Hair so much like a tennis ball, we might as well have named him Spalding |
| Whistles in the shower | Produces a not unmusical noise from a more southerly sphincter in the bath |
| When he doesn't like what I've made for dinner, tactfully says nothing and simply refrains from going for seconds | When he doesn't like what I've made for dinner, emits a bloodcurdling shriek, arches away with a horrible grimace, and, later, just out of spite, ejects his serving down the front of my black T-shirt |
| Smiles at me (teeth) | Smiles at me (gums) |
| Lets me have sips of his milkshake | Um...no, thanks. No, really. It's okay. |
| Folds own pants | Fouls own pants |
I think the choice is clear. Unfortunately, since I am not strong enough to heft Paul in a fireman's carry, I will be leaving him and Charlie to roast marshmallows while I scramble to safety bearing one yowling cat on each shoulder. Listen, they'll be fine:
| Paul | Charlie |
|---|---|
| Loves the person I love best | Loves the person I love best |
Comments (49)
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I'd save the cats too. But really, your last post left me thinking how could that woman not differentiate that the love you have for a spouse is different from the love you have for a child? I found that lack of acknowledgement about as frightening as her choosing her spouse over the children.
Now that I've wiped my morning iced chai off my monitors, I can comment!
I love your direct comparisons... sounds like something I'll do if/when a little one becomes part of our family.
I think I've said this before, but you amaze me, Julie. To keep your sense of humor through everything you've gone through and to stay as snot-flyingly funny as you are... what an asshole!
Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I'll be keeping that chart for futher reference!
I loved the last comparison ... isn't that just exactly how love works? there's always always always enough to go around.
Hysterical!
Made my day, really. ;-)
every man for himself, save the cats
huh, soooooo my dh should NOT be fouling his pants?
Maybe it's the hormone treatments but your last diagram brought instant tears and a horridly scrunched up face. LOVE IT.
Maybe it's the hormone treatments but your last diagram brought instant tears and a horridly scrunched up face. LOVE IT.
My personal fave - small batch artisan cheese
Brilliant!
p.s. thanks for the link and for putting up with my begging
I have FINALLY learned not to have liquids in my mouth when reading these kinds of posts.
I'm with you. Save the cats.
Too funny. Sounds like scrotum handling can be tricky. Good to know.
I'm a member of the "doesn't drink while reading Julie" club too.
I liked this one. :)
Let's rename Charlie to Archie.
Love the scrotum comment though.
Love it!
When I would pester my mother about who she loved best, she would say, "I love you, your sister and your father with my whole heart." Now I tell my son the same thing when he inquires as to whether he or his father gets ranked first.
That's the great thing about love, it's infinite.
Very funny, very cute. Thanks for my smile today.
Too funny...and that last comparison is just beautiful.
omigod... that is so fucking funny...
Manuela
This was the only way to deal with that whole discussion yesterday. I prefer to think the writer was just being outrageous to make her point (or it makes me want to be judgemental and stuff), but your chart is so clearly focused and balanced. Just brilliant.
Problem about the cats is that they'll scratch the bejesus out of you, so toss some treats in a pillow case and put cats in next.
Kel
That is perfect. Just perfect.
v v cute.
I loves me a nice chart. Especially when it's really funny.
I laughed, I cried.
You are wonderful.
I love reading your blog...I think you're brilliant! Blog on, my friend!
damn I cried too.
Beautiful.
lol
I don't know why but "dark, luxuriant, glossy hair" is giving me giggle fits. Paul must use pantene.
;)
I loved this post, and I love you.
Artisanal neck cheese=priceless.
You, Charlie & Paul also=priceless.
--Bugs
I dunno...if there was a fire I'd put 50 bucks on my cats to be out the door, smoking cigarettes across the street while trying to figure out which one was going to get the dog's bed before the rest of us even woke up.
Very nice post. The last lines say it all.
I loved, loved, loved this post. You are a genius.
I didn't think it possible, but I think this may be funnier than that parody of Waldman's article someone linked to in the comments to your prior post!
Excellent! Note to self: no liquids when reading blog. Ciao. Kiki
Man, funny to know that we're not the only ones who label it "neck cheese!" two day old, WWM vintage is especially prime...
That was beautiful...in an incredibly funny sort of way.
when are they gonna make adult onsesies so I can snort, giggle, smile, AND piss/shit myself like Charlie?
I love my non-existent uterus. (that would be a total lie.)
Simply brilliant.
Excellent!
Very funny--but as the father of twin 3-month-olds, I find myself wondering why you left the FART category out.
I just wanted to throw out this link:
http://www.footballfansfortruth.us/archives/000891.html
to an excellent blog entry about Waldman. She really is a foul human being, in my opinion.
Just in case you're interested in taking the discussion any further.
Thanks for the link Krissy....
Wonderful!!
Julie-
I've been reading your material for a while now, but I have to admit the artisan cheese line was the funniest yet!
Funny!
And reminded me of when my kids were babies -- we called the folds under their chins the "fromageries."
Ummm, I have 4 cats, 2 dogs, 2 love birds, a husband and a son. I wouldn't even know where to begin a comparison, let alone who to save!
When do we get to see Paul NAKED? Just askin' ;)
My husband knows his fate is sealed if I had to choose between saving him or my dogs. hee hee.
Being dangerously sleep-deprived (c.f. "twins," prev.), my evil twin somehow missed the sphincter reference. Please disregard his comment and let me know immediately if he posts again.
OMG:
"small-batch artisan cheese" exactly!
And how!
:)