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03/30/2005
Fire drill
In response to my last post, some of you are noodling around the question of whom you'd save from a burning building, your spouse or your kid. Putting aside the extreme unlikelihood of ever needing to make that choice, your comments have made me consider the question myself. I am finding it a difficult conundrum, so I have made a chart to help me choose. To wit:
| Paul | Charlie |
|---|---|
| Snores | Snorts |
| Admires my rack | Eyes my rack with a wary, hunted look |
| Acts excited and pleased when I handle his scrotum | Pees indignantly on me when I handle his |
| Bakes homemade sourdough bread | Produces small-batch artisan cheese in the folds of his neck |
| Dark, luxuriant, glossy hair | Hair so much like a tennis ball, we might as well have named him Spalding |
| Whistles in the shower | Produces a not unmusical noise from a more southerly sphincter in the bath |
| When he doesn't like what I've made for dinner, tactfully says nothing and simply refrains from going for seconds | When he doesn't like what I've made for dinner, emits a bloodcurdling shriek, arches away with a horrible grimace, and, later, just out of spite, ejects his serving down the front of my black T-shirt |
| Smiles at me (teeth) | Smiles at me (gums) |
| Lets me have sips of his milkshake | Um...no, thanks. No, really. It's okay. |
| Folds own pants | Fouls own pants |
I think the choice is clear. Unfortunately, since I am not strong enough to heft Paul in a fireman's carry, I will be leaving him and Charlie to roast marshmallows while I scramble to safety bearing one yowling cat on each shoulder. Listen, they'll be fine:
| Paul | Charlie |
|---|---|
| Loves the person I love best | Loves the person I love best |
