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03/30/2005
Fire drill
In response to my last post, some of you are noodling around the question of whom you'd save from a burning building, your spouse or your kid. Putting aside the extreme unlikelihood of ever needing to make that choice, your comments have made me consider the question myself. I am finding it a difficult conundrum, so I have made a chart to help me choose. To wit:
| Paul | Charlie |
|---|---|
| Snores | Snorts |
| Admires my rack | Eyes my rack with a wary, hunted look |
| Acts excited and pleased when I handle his scrotum | Pees indignantly on me when I handle his |
| Bakes homemade sourdough bread | Produces small-batch artisan cheese in the folds of his neck |
| Dark, luxuriant, glossy hair | Hair so much like a tennis ball, we might as well have named him Spalding |
| Whistles in the shower | Produces a not unmusical noise from a more southerly sphincter in the bath |
| When he doesn't like what I've made for dinner, tactfully says nothing and simply refrains from going for seconds | When he doesn't like what I've made for dinner, emits a bloodcurdling shriek, arches away with a horrible grimace, and, later, just out of spite, ejects his serving down the front of my black T-shirt |
| Smiles at me (teeth) | Smiles at me (gums) |
| Lets me have sips of his milkshake | Um...no, thanks. No, really. It's okay. |
| Folds own pants | Fouls own pants |
I think the choice is clear. Unfortunately, since I am not strong enough to heft Paul in a fireman's carry, I will be leaving him and Charlie to roast marshmallows while I scramble to safety bearing one yowling cat on each shoulder. Listen, they'll be fine:
| Paul | Charlie |
|---|---|
| Loves the person I love best | Loves the person I love best |
Posted by Julie at 09:20 AM in I've learned a lot...but I'm not sure it's worth it. | Permalink
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Comments (48)
I'd save the cats too. But really, your last post left me thinking how could that woman not differentiate that the love you have for a spouse is different from the love you have for a child? I found that lack of acknowledgement about as frightening as her choosing her spouse over the children.
Posted by: cursingmama at Mar 30, 2005 9:30:13 AM
Now that I've wiped my morning iced chai off my monitors, I can comment!
I love your direct comparisons... sounds like something I'll do if/when a little one becomes part of our family.
I think I've said this before, but you amaze me, Julie. To keep your sense of humor through everything you've gone through and to stay as snot-flyingly funny as you are... what an asshole!
Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I'll be keeping that chart for futher reference!
Posted by: Kestralyn at Mar 30, 2005 9:36:03 AM
I loved the last comparison ... isn't that just exactly how love works? there's always always always enough to go around.
Posted by: Sandy at Mar 30, 2005 9:40:49 AM
Hysterical!
Made my day, really. ;-)
Posted by: JenL at Mar 30, 2005 9:51:39 AM
every man for himself, save the cats
Posted by: Debe at Mar 30, 2005 9:54:12 AM
huh, soooooo my dh should NOT be fouling his pants?
Posted by: kick me at Mar 30, 2005 9:55:34 AM
Maybe it's the hormone treatments but your last diagram brought instant tears and a horridly scrunched up face. LOVE IT.
Posted by: Denise at Mar 30, 2005 9:57:08 AM
Maybe it's the hormone treatments but your last diagram brought instant tears and a horridly scrunched up face. LOVE IT.
Posted by: Denise at Mar 30, 2005 9:58:46 AM
My personal fave - small batch artisan cheese
Brilliant!
p.s. thanks for the link and for putting up with my begging
Posted by: Lala at Mar 30, 2005 10:51:21 AM
I have FINALLY learned not to have liquids in my mouth when reading these kinds of posts.
I'm with you. Save the cats.
Posted by: Scully at Mar 30, 2005 10:56:15 AM
Too funny. Sounds like scrotum handling can be tricky. Good to know.
Posted by: Dana at Mar 30, 2005 11:00:03 AM
I'm a member of the "doesn't drink while reading Julie" club too.
I liked this one. :)
Posted by: Mandy at Mar 30, 2005 11:15:37 AM
Let's rename Charlie to Archie.
Love the scrotum comment though.
Posted by: AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch at Mar 30, 2005 11:40:44 AM
Love it!
When I would pester my mother about who she loved best, she would say, "I love you, your sister and your father with my whole heart." Now I tell my son the same thing when he inquires as to whether he or his father gets ranked first.
That's the great thing about love, it's infinite.
Posted by: Kathleen at Mar 30, 2005 12:15:09 PM
Very funny, very cute. Thanks for my smile today.
Posted by: ccap at Mar 30, 2005 12:15:42 PM
Too funny...and that last comparison is just beautiful.
Posted by: Kristin at Mar 30, 2005 12:19:44 PM
omigod... that is so fucking funny...
Manuela
Posted by: Manuela at Mar 30, 2005 12:25:59 PM
This was the only way to deal with that whole discussion yesterday. I prefer to think the writer was just being outrageous to make her point (or it makes me want to be judgemental and stuff), but your chart is so clearly focused and balanced. Just brilliant.
Problem about the cats is that they'll scratch the bejesus out of you, so toss some treats in a pillow case and put cats in next.
Kel
Posted by: Kel at Mar 30, 2005 12:34:04 PM
That is perfect. Just perfect.
Posted by: Amyesq at Mar 30, 2005 12:35:47 PM
v v cute.
Posted by: Tertia at Mar 30, 2005 12:44:04 PM
I loves me a nice chart. Especially when it's really funny.
Posted by: deborah at Mar 30, 2005 1:19:11 PM
I laughed, I cried.
You are wonderful.
Posted by: Kathy W. at Mar 30, 2005 2:21:50 PM
I love reading your blog...I think you're brilliant! Blog on, my friend!
Posted by: Leah at Mar 30, 2005 4:03:49 PM
damn I cried too.
Posted by: barren old crone at Mar 30, 2005 4:43:45 PM
Beautiful.
Posted by: WannaBeMom at Mar 30, 2005 4:56:03 PM
lol
Posted by: kat at Mar 30, 2005 5:25:20 PM
I don't know why but "dark, luxuriant, glossy hair" is giving me giggle fits. Paul must use pantene.
;)
Posted by: MollieBee at Mar 30, 2005 5:25:44 PM
I loved this post, and I love you.
Posted by: Karen at Mar 30, 2005 5:45:25 PM
Artisanal neck cheese=priceless.
You, Charlie & Paul also=priceless.
--Bugs
Posted by: Dead Bug at Mar 30, 2005 6:23:57 PM
I dunno...if there was a fire I'd put 50 bucks on my cats to be out the door, smoking cigarettes across the street while trying to figure out which one was going to get the dog's bed before the rest of us even woke up.
Very nice post. The last lines say it all.
Posted by: Meg at Mar 30, 2005 6:31:19 PM
I loved, loved, loved this post. You are a genius.
Posted by: Menita at Mar 30, 2005 6:56:51 PM
I didn't think it possible, but I think this may be funnier than that parody of Waldman's article someone linked to in the comments to your prior post!
Posted by: Toni at Mar 30, 2005 7:04:32 PM
Excellent! Note to self: no liquids when reading blog. Ciao. Kiki
Posted by: Kiki at Mar 30, 2005 8:18:27 PM
Man, funny to know that we're not the only ones who label it "neck cheese!" two day old, WWM vintage is especially prime...
Posted by: Jen at Mar 30, 2005 9:42:12 PM
That was beautiful...in an incredibly funny sort of way.
Posted by: LadyBug at Mar 30, 2005 10:30:34 PM
when are they gonna make adult onsesies so I can snort, giggle, smile, AND piss/shit myself like Charlie?
I love my non-existent uterus. (that would be a total lie.)
Simply brilliant.
Posted by: Jaine at Mar 31, 2005 12:26:18 AM
Excellent!
Posted by: Sheena at Mar 31, 2005 8:47:57 AM
Very funny--but as the father of twin 3-month-olds, I find myself wondering why you left the FART category out.
Posted by: Keith at Mar 31, 2005 9:33:31 AM
I just wanted to throw out this link:
http://www.footballfansfortruth.us/archives/000891.html
to an excellent blog entry about Waldman. She really is a foul human being, in my opinion.
Just in case you're interested in taking the discussion any further.
Posted by: Krissy at Mar 31, 2005 11:59:02 AM
Thanks for the link Krissy....
Posted by: eightlegs at Mar 31, 2005 2:00:20 PM
Wonderful!!
Posted by: Territoon at Mar 31, 2005 2:34:22 PM
Julie-
I've been reading your material for a while now, but I have to admit the artisan cheese line was the funniest yet!
Posted by: Laurie at Mar 31, 2005 4:05:56 PM
Funny!
And reminded me of when my kids were babies -- we called the folds under their chins the "fromageries."
Posted by: Amy at Mar 31, 2005 5:28:04 PM
Ummm, I have 4 cats, 2 dogs, 2 love birds, a husband and a son. I wouldn't even know where to begin a comparison, let alone who to save!
Posted by: Melissa at Mar 31, 2005 8:30:01 PM
When do we get to see Paul NAKED? Just askin' ;)
Posted by: maia at Mar 31, 2005 11:24:47 PM
My husband knows his fate is sealed if I had to choose between saving him or my dogs. hee hee.
Posted by: thisgirl at Apr 1, 2005 4:16:08 AM
Being dangerously sleep-deprived (c.f. "twins," prev.), my evil twin somehow missed the sphincter reference. Please disregard his comment and let me know immediately if he posts again.
Posted by: Keith at Apr 1, 2005 9:28:34 AM
OMG:
"small-batch artisan cheese" exactly!
Posted by: mynn at Apr 1, 2005 2:19:25 PM
