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03/11/2005
Turns out you can judge a book by its cover
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| Infants and Mothers: Differences in Development, T. Berry Brazelton, M.D. | Your Baby and Child from Birth to Age Five, Penelope Leach |
| Baby requires support of an adult to stand | Baby stands proud and free, unpropped and unassisted (unless there's a concealed steel rod somewhere I don't know about) |
| Baby is modestly clad in sporty rugby onesie | Baby performs a ringing indictment of restrictive social norms by going naked and unafraid into the harsh, cold world of the bookstore |
| Baby betrays unattractive tendency toward homophobia by making a stereotypical gesture of limp-wristedness — perhaps an unkind swipe at the pinky-ringed doctor? | Baby signals gang members just outside the frame to come kick that playa-hatin' baby's ass, yo |
| Advantage: Leach | |
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| What to Expect the First Year, Arlene Eisenberg, Heidi E. Murkoff, and Sandee E. Hathaway, B.S.N. | The Happiest Baby on the Block, Harvey Karp, M.D. |
| Cartoon baby drawn in an awkward perspective that seems to warp the very fabric of space | Real baby surrounded by an attractive pink aura of health and well-being |
| Baby's hairdo constitutes an unfortunate throwback to the darkest days of the overmoussed '80s, like mine at present | Baby's hairdo looks an awful lot like mine on its very best day ever |
| Baby clings to a stuffed bear as if it were a life preserver and he a floundering castaway bobbing in the briny drink | Baby embraces the calm but heightened consciousness brought about by the devoted practice of Iyengar yoga. Also, feet! |
| Advantage: Karp | |
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| Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care, 8th Edition, Benjamin Spock, M.D., and Robert Needlman, M.D. | The Baby Book, William Sears, M.D., and Martha Sears, R.N. |
| Two babies; a manageable, streamlined number unlikely to alarm a feckless parent-to-be | Four babies; a shocking and profligate display of the repellent and uniquely American viewpoint that more is better |
| Babies touch to show their profound acceptance of each other despite differences in color and culture | Babies are so uncomfortable with the proximity of the Other that they stare determinedly off to the left, unwilling to meet each other's eyes and acknowledge their fundamental equality |
| Two naked babies' bottoms are adorable | Four naked babies' bottoms are downright gratuitous and probably got the photographer thrown in the pokey when he showed up to pick up his pictures at Fotomat |
| Advantage: Spock | |
Posted by Julie at 01:49 PM in I am full of good ideas | Permalink
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Comments (32)
laughing my ass off as usual!
Posted by: robinr at Mar 11, 2005 2:38:39 PM
Hilarious! THANK YOU! I needed that today.
Posted by: Kelly at Mar 11, 2005 2:49:52 PM
HAHAHAHA
My picks, too.
Posted by: Mollie at Mar 11, 2005 2:51:28 PM
Oh, and that kid in the illustration for WTE is not a baby. That's a surly five-year-old in a diaper.
Posted by: Mollie at Mar 11, 2005 2:52:22 PM
LOL Julie! You crack me up! Any recent pics of Mr. Sweetness Charlie?
BTW, my blog has moved to http://www.jamf.net/b2e in case you're interested. :-/ Just for when you get to updating your awesome list of blogs. Which I guess with a new baby will be never. Haha.
Posted by: maricar at Mar 11, 2005 2:52:43 PM
I once started reading a brazelton book and it scared the living fuck outta me. No. Really. Do not, no, never, even if confined to some Clockwork Orange eyelid-grabbing contraption, read this book ...
Posted by: jilbur at Mar 11, 2005 3:26:06 PM
OMG julie you are hilarious!
Posted by: Kaiasmom at Mar 11, 2005 3:50:44 PM
You are downright kind about that Night of the Living What to Expect Zombie book.
Shivering and giggling, here.
Posted by: Ingrid at Mar 11, 2005 4:36:16 PM
Why does the What to Expect... series insist on using rejects from the Starving Artists sale at the Kansas Coliseum for their cover art?
Unless they mean it as...some sort of warning.
Posted by: Jo at Mar 11, 2005 5:01:46 PM
Too funny! And I so agree with Jo- about the pictures being a warning. Some of what you'll find in those books is even worse than that sad, sad baby.
Posted by: kristine at Mar 11, 2005 5:07:36 PM
when shall we expect your book review column in the NYTimes? :-)
Posted by: jenB at Mar 11, 2005 5:58:04 PM
Yer funny! And I totally agree! :)
Posted by: zarqa at Mar 11, 2005 6:08:46 PM
Good gods, woman! Sheer brilliance. You forgot to mention the cast-off doughnuts on the floor by the feet of the desperate bear-clutching cartoon child.
Salute!
Posted by: cori at Mar 11, 2005 8:37:04 PM
Note to self -- never, EVER read Deborah's Blog, The Trying Game, followed up with Julie's blog -- NEVER. I'm NEVER going to get that Ring Ding off the monitor from laughing so hard now!
I'm just saying.
Posted by: Emily at Mar 11, 2005 8:45:46 PM
Julie, hate to rain on your parade.
I really should have mentioned before you spent all your money on these books that I have the only book that you'll ever need.
I think Tertia has first dibs, but let me know.
Posted by: Boulder at Mar 11, 2005 8:58:41 PM
Thank you Julie - that was the first time I've laughed like that in a while. Your humor is such a gift; I know I'm not the only one who really appreciates that you share it with us. I particularly love the 4 babies' bottoms being downright gratuitous... life is so ridiculous, sometimes it's nice to have a reminder not to take things so seriously.
Posted by: SargonZ at Mar 12, 2005 12:58:13 AM
Well, that explains why I've effed up my darling children so: I was given both Brazelton and WTE as gifts with my son. I must remember to print out this post and save it; it will save them a lot of time and money if they can just take it to their first therapy appointment.
I second the motion for more Charlie pictures.
Posted by: Becki at Mar 12, 2005 3:00:07 AM
You are so funny. I was laughing my head off. :)
Posted by: Liz at Mar 12, 2005 4:19:14 AM
You're a very odd girl, you know that?
Posted by: Tertia at Mar 12, 2005 1:40:30 PM
I'm never going to be able to look at the front of The Baby Book in the same way again.
I thought they were all communicating with the mother ship, as in alien mother ship, myself.
Posted by: Jody at Mar 12, 2005 3:49:41 PM
Fitting in with Jody's comments above, here is the link to a revamped Little Golden children's book. http://www.whatisdeepfried.com/zogg/zogg1.html
If you have a warped sense of humor, you will like this.
Posted by: Janis at Mar 12, 2005 6:18:00 PM
I'm in PAIN, woman. You should have some sort of warning system in place when you're going to make us laugh with such vigor. Could be downright dangerous.
--Bugs
Posted by: Dead Bug at Mar 12, 2005 8:24:48 PM
I found your site recently and have been reading it consistently. Damn hilarious. Now that I'm actually noticing it, I keep finding the What to Expect book in thrift stores, but they're all old editions before the supposedly "guilt-free" version came out. Oh, that hideous cover.
You should check out the extremely dubious "When the Belly Button Pops, the Baby's Done" by the unfortunately named Lorilee Craker. I can't be seen reading that shit on the bus, sorry.
Posted by: Kathy in SF at Mar 13, 2005 9:30:36 AM
Thanks for the laugh.
Posted by: sleeky at Mar 13, 2005 12:41:14 PM
Oh Janis, thank you for the link to the holy holy hilarious (or wholly unholy hilarious, as the case may be) revamped Golden book. I must share that with every heathen I know! GAH!
Posted by: hetapea at Mar 13, 2005 7:53:13 PM
Good one Julie! I needed that. :)
Posted by: Jean at Mar 13, 2005 10:23:33 PM
Julie, you totally crack me up
Posted by: Debe at Mar 14, 2005 9:26:03 AM
This is really funny.
But... seriously... Sears TOTALLY beats Spock. Sorry.
Posted by: Tara at Mar 15, 2005 3:54:23 PM
Hilarious. You so rock.
Posted by: Suburbia at Mar 15, 2005 9:15:44 PM
The Sears book definitely carries the message "more is better." Because the Sears have 8 freakin' children. I find their books sometimes helpful, but try not to think about their love for poppin' out lots of babies when I read them, or it would freak me out.
Posted by: emjaybee at Mar 21, 2005 12:59:24 PM
I can see you establishing a highly lucrative sideline acting as a baby book cover consultant to Very Frightened Book Publishers -- and Authors. :-)
Posted by: Ann D at Mar 29, 2005 9:38:55 AM
Hahahahahaha, Ann!
Posted by: Julie at Mar 29, 2005 11:04:18 AM
