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05/14/2005

The nuns on this blog are decent, I tell you

K. writes:

I have a dear, dear friend who is just a few weeks pregnant after her fourth in vitro. She had a hint of cervical cancer (bad Paps) in her early 30s, so it's a miracle she even has this chance...she's nearly 40 now.

Anyway, I really want to send her flowers, but am afraid I don't  dare...just in case.  How about a plant that says: "Here's something to mark this wonderful time in your life. May it grow strong for you along with your other project!"

But what if she loses her baby?!?!?!?!?!?!? I made a mistake once when a good friend who already had two kids got pregnant again. I took her a beautiful flowering plant with three big blooms on it. She was happy about it and liked it but then she lost the baby a couple of weeks later.

Maybe you could ask your readers for me. Help.

Okay, here's what I think. I think you should send flowers. I also think you should send a box of chocolates, a flock of doves, a singing telegram, a big brass band, a squadron of Shriners riding little teeny cars in speedy figure eights, and a gleaming new Mercedes with one of those giant shiny red bows atop it.

Come to think of it, a pizza might not go amiss, either.

I think it's right and fitting to celebrate this beginning with your friend. Sure, her pregnancy could fail — we're none of us immune — but I don't think that awareness should keep you from showing you share her hopes. I suspect at 39 with four IVFs under her belt, your friend has enough misgivings to go around, so I don't think yours should stop you from acknowledging the joy that comes with them.

I'm sure some would suggest that you'd want to be measured in your enthusiasm, that you should take your cue from the way your friend behaves about it. But I know I was grateful to the friends who embraced my pregnancies fully, even as they were failing, even as I warned them not to get all that excited. And if I'm honest, I'll admit that I felt a great disappointment in friends who hesitated to get happy, as if they thought a pregnancy was already doomed just because it was mine.

I can't say this for sure, but if you asked your other friend whether she regretted getting flowers from you before she miscarried, I bet she would say no.

Friends, infertiles, mothers, mothers-to-be, miscarriers, misanthropes, perverts searching unsuccessfully for "no crotch panty nun": what do you think?

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