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A few notes to makers of infant clothing

From a darkened room in the middle of the night.

Sleeves. Pantlegs. Make them visibly and obviously different even when all the snaps are undone.

There's going to be a diaper in there. Leave room for it even if doing so spoils the elegant line of your garment.

Zippers are only more convenient if  I don't need two hands to hold the outfit on either side of the seam, one hand to pull on the zipper tab, and another hand to steady the squirming boy. Even if some of those can be the same hand.

Internal cuffs and hems that snag fingers and toes: bad idea.
(Oh, and clothes for preemies with a closure sewn across the crotch: a bad idea that can be fixed readily with a pair of shears)

The feet in footie pajamas? They should face forward.
Oh. Scratch that. Instead, just make it much more obvious that the snaps on your garment open up the back.

Also! — and this is Julie now — also, what the hell is up with the pockets? What exactly should I expect Charlie to keep in all those pockets? Keys? Identification? Cell phone? Smokes?

Tertia, do not say condoms.

I can't figure it out. One thing is perfectly clear: I am gonna freak the fuck out the first time I reach into one of his pockets before doing laundry and find a matchbook with a phone number written on it. I have told him and told him never to play with matches. But does he listen? I can only assume he's irresistibly attracted to a certain kind of dissipated floozy with a lush and yielding rack.

But why?

All I know is that the minute I start finding colored hankies* in those tiny pockets, it's time for us to have a talk.

* Not safe for work, but then surely† you're not surprised.
† No, and don't call me...well, you know.