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06/28/2005
How to alienate half your readers with one simple sentence
Charlie cries it out.
If you've been reading for a while, you might recall that when left to his own devices, Charlie takes naps of no more than 47 minutes in duration. I asked Charlie's pediatrician if there was any help for it, and she shook her head grimly. I consulted Weissbluth, who warns that children who take short naps are less adaptable, less attentive, and more likely to mow down their kindergarten class in a devastating hail of gunfire, but also says — without so much as an apology for destroying my fragile dreams — that "you cannot make short nappers into long nappers." And then I asked Charlie's neonatologist, who said, "Oh, that's easy."
"When you put him down," she said, "set a timer for an hour. Then go outside where you can't hear him, and don't go in until the timer rings." Then she paused, to give her next words special weight. "And do not," she said sternly, "take the baby monitor with you."
We started that day. At the end of the hour, when I went back inside, Charlie was just winding down. Hearing his complaints diminish, I planned to wait five more minutes before going in to see him. It didn't take even that long: before five minutes were up, Charlie was back asleep, and didn't wake again for another hour.
Since then we haven't looked back. We've made some adjustments; if he wakes much before the magical 45-minute mark, it's generally because he's hungry or has rolled over and can't get comfortable again, so one of us goes in and soothes him back to sleep, usually without difficulty. I no longer set a timer, having developed a sense of how long is long enough. And I seldom go where I can't hear him.
I think it's supposed to bother me to hear him cry. I know it bothers more experienced mothers than I. And I've heard more than once about parents who are determined to try, but crumble in the face of prolonged howling. I get the distinct impression that hearing him cry and not going to him should make me feel like my heart's being ripped, still beating, from my chest (heaving, natch, with sobs).
But I have to tell you it doesn't. I know he's not hurt, ill, hungry, soiled, or wet. He's physically fine. And though he's unhappy, it's transient and, I believe, superficial. See, I don't interpret those premature-end-of-nap cries as "Help me, I'm alone and frightened and I'm worried you'll never come back." I hear it more as, "Hey, here I am, ready to play! Hey! It's time to wake up! Heeeeeeey! Big lady-shaped person! C'mere! I've had enough sleep!" To which my response must necessarily be, "The hell you have."
About 80% of the time I'm right. Most of the time, after 10-15 minutes of low-level complaining, he settles back in for a long continuation of his nap, for a total of anywhere from two to two-and-a-half hours, a reasonable length by anyone's definition. The rest of the time, I let him round out the prescribed hour, then go to him in his crib. He stops crying immediately, and is invariably delighted to see me — not heartbroken, not inconsolable, not betrayed — just as he is when he's managed that longer nap. The difference is, when he's slept the longer stretch, I'm delighted to see him, too.
I am only too happy to trade those 10-15 minutes of crying for the sleep he certainly needs and that mutual delight. It seems like a fair exchange.
I'm well aware that people who oppose crying it out might accuse me of a lack of empathy or warn that I'm jeopardizing Charlie's trust. The only answer I have to that is to say that I do care about Charlie's feelings, passionately. It's just that I care about his obvious need for solid sleep and the collective sanity of the family a little bit more.
But then I never thought I'd be the kind of parent who couldn't leave a baby to soothe himself. I didn't feel a visceral resistance to doing so, and I never thought it was categorically cruel to hear your child cry and yet not respond. So far I see it as a means to greater household harmony, one I hope will be only temporarily necessary. After all, I don't enjoy hearing him cry...it's just that in this case it doesn't gut me.
Am I damaging our boy or our relationship? Do me a favor: if you think so, don't tell me. I won't hear it anyway. I'll be in the yard, out of earshot.
Posted by Julie at 12:15 PM in Charles in charge, Mama drama | Permalink
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Comments (302)
Yes, yes, and yes. This is EXACTLY how I feel about letting my children cry it out. Perfectly stated, and good for you. Now brace yourself for the onslaught of you are making him miserable, unhappy, untrusting, and a serial killer. But I, the mother of three future maladjusted sociopaths, pats you on the back --- good for you for doing what works for YOU and CHARLIE (and Paul, too.)
Posted by: Brandee at Jun 28, 2005 12:22:05 PM
I look at it this way - the kid is not going to remember any of this. Which is how I rationalize alot these days.
Posted by: juliejulie at Jun 28, 2005 12:25:09 PM
Ever feel like the universe it tryigg to tell you something? I ddo. This is like the third or fourth thing in a couple of days about crying it out to be featured in my regular Internet reads.
if you had asked me prior to a few months ago I would hae toldd you how awfu i thought letting the cry it out is, etc etc. The my great nnapper forgot howand thhings have just gotten worse. It has caused economic harm because I can't get my work aaccomplished, as well as emotional harm because I am so fried and there IS that whole gunning down of half the kindergarten thing. Right now, it's hotter than the goddamn surfaacee of the goddamn sun here and it's really taking it out of her, so she's napping like a champ. When (please God please) this heat wave breaks, we are trying the ""let her cry" thing.
Posted by: AmyinMotown at Jun 28, 2005 12:27:04 PM
Mothers need to do what works for them. Crying it out never worked for me. I tried it once or twice, but with my son it was a contest of wills - he would. not. stop. crying. no matter how long I waited. Once in the middle of the night he cried for an hour before falling asleep (no, nothing was wrong with him, I was trying to get him to go back to sleep in his crib instead of coming to bed with mommy and daddy) and then he woke up after an hour and started crying AGAIN. I gave up all attempts to modify his sleep habits after that because I couldn't handle it. So now I have a two year old who sleeps with us through the whole night. At least I managed to wean him somewhere around 21 months.
Posted by: Mare_Imbrium at Jun 28, 2005 12:32:00 PM
I postponed the crying it out for AGES for fear that letting him be that upset made me an insensitive mother. I figured it was something he would outgrow with time. It took me almost a year of 3 or 4 nightly wakeup calls before I finally was so exhausted I tried it.
And honestly? If my son could speak, I think he would be saying "Thank you thank you thank you. I was so damn tired, but I didn't know what to do about it!" He has never slept so soundly - or been so well rested during the day - as he has since the CIO started. At bedtime now, he protests for less than a minute, then gratefully passes out. It has made a world of difference to ALL of our attitudes.
Obviously, you have to feel comfortable with your parenting style, and it doesn't work for everyone. But those who say it is akin to child abuse? They don't understand the overwhelming torture No Sleep can become. To both the parent AND the child.
Groove on.
Posted by: Mete at Jun 28, 2005 12:34:41 PM
I let Lissa CIO to get her out of our bed at 9 months. The first night she WAILED for 23 minutes straight and fell asleep. The second night she cried low for about 8 and she's had nary a problem since. Every now and then for a nap or for bed time she cries (as she heads to her toddler bed because she knows when I say go it's time to go) but it lasts no longer than it takes for me to get down the hall.
I know a lot of people who are "against" crying it out and say "don't let your two month old cry it out it's cruel" Well yeah a two month old, that would be a BIT cruel. But a baby who is starting to get some idea of what they WANT vs. what the NEED. i/e mine who just WANTED to keep sleeping with mommy and daddy when what she NEEDED was to go to sleep in her own bed. Then I say CIO is perfectly fine and appropriate.
It sounds like Charlie has a distinct difference between what he WANTS and what he NEEDS.
Posted by: Nopenname at Jun 28, 2005 12:36:27 PM
Eventually you do what works. This works, so GO FOR IT!!! A person has to sleep sometime.
Posted by: lorrie at Jun 28, 2005 12:36:52 PM
My son didn't nap for more than 17 minutes at a time until the age of 5 months, when I bought Dr. Ferber's book and implemented his plan. I grabbed my iPod and a timer and listened to Green Day full blast until the time was up, crying the entire time. It was the BEST decision I ever made. Once he began to nap regularly (three times a day at first) he went from being a grumpy, whiny baby into the happiest most content baby ever. Now, at 21 months of age, he happily goes into his crib at naptime, plays and jabbers for a while, then drifts off to sleep. Same at bedtime. It takes me all of 3 minutes to put him to bed. That one week of hell was well worth it. I'm convinced he's the happy, well-adjusted kid he is today because I taught him to go to sleep on his own. And, I never had to hit anyone again who said, "Can't you just nap when he naps?"
Posted by: Amy at Jun 28, 2005 12:38:15 PM
I CIO with my oldest (didn't need to with the second), and what you said about the interpretation of the cries are EXACTLY what I felt. I wish I had thought to interpret it differently because it was hard. But it worked and she is a very happy 3 year old now who sleeps well.
Isn't it true with sleep cycles that 45 minutes is when you reach REM sleep? So if he was waking up, he was never really getting a good nap. He must have been a bear. I think you did a great thing for him, teaching him to put himself back to sleep so he could get what his body needs. Secondarily, I think you did a great thing for yourself by viewing it the way you did and also earning yourself 2 hours of "free" time, which we all know means "laundry" time. Enjoy it!
Posted by: Em at Jun 28, 2005 12:38:47 PM
I maintain one thing about babies and sleep. At some point all parents get to the place where its us or them. You chose us - a wise move. In a short time all the crying will stop and you will be truly amazed.
Posted by: bridget at Jun 28, 2005 12:43:08 PM
You're doing just great. I had to do CIO with both my girls, and I love Weissbluth's book also. My youngest has just started sleeping better at night (and CIO was harder with her b/c she was more stubborn, so it took more days and I started to doubt). I feel so much better these days now that she sleeps at night. I think we're both happier.
Posted by: Laurie C at Jun 28, 2005 12:55:37 PM
Bravissima, Julie, bravissima!!!! My son (now 17 mos old) has generally been pretty easy to send off to dream land. On the rare occasions that he is fussy, I determine that he is fine otherwise, and then let him CIO. Nope, didn't read any books or get great advice from the pediatrician. Just let my fear guide me - that fear of having a child that needs an hour long routine before he can sleep.
Be happy with the sleeping boy - it is but one of many small battles with Charlie that you will need to win. And you've started out marvelously!
Posted by: TracyB at Jun 28, 2005 1:02:13 PM
I'm the type of person who firmly believes in doing whatever is best for you and your baby.
Getting excited and judgemental over letting Charlie cry it out??? So not worth it.
Glad to hear things are beginning to work out in the sleeping department.
Posted by: Sherry at Jun 28, 2005 1:04:52 PM
Yep, what they all said. My guy sucked at naps and nighttime sleeping until we CIO'd at 8 months. Now at 19 months, I read him a story, sing a song or two and then he, of his own volition, pats me on the back, says night-night and points to his crib. I love that! And he sleeps 11 hours a night, takes two two-hour naps a day and generally loves to be around his parents but is not inconsolable when we leave. Somehow, I suspect he has managed to overcome his abandonment issues created by my inhumane need to have him (and me) sleep.
Sounds like you and Charlie have struck a good deal...
Posted by: Robinr at Jun 28, 2005 1:07:50 PM
Hasn't he been a bit of a screamer from the get-go?
I can see why it wouldn't devestate you -- and I don't think it should. I think (like you care) that fussy babies are best handled in sensible ways, without being overly emotional about it.
I say well done.
Posted by: blackbird at Jun 28, 2005 1:18:01 PM
FINALLY! Thank God, Julie. I don't enjoy telling people what to do, but remember back in the sleepapalozza post? When I "strongly suggested" you "find a way" to "eliminate some of the many night feedings"? YES YES! That's what I meant.
Once I braced myself to let Colic Boy CIO, well, life got a darn lot better. He was 4 months old, and went from being world's worst baby (just cuz he was tired) to world's most cheerful, sunny baby. Still stubborn as hell, but now as a 2 year old, I have a sunny (stubborn) kid who goes down for a 2 hr afternoon nap and an 11 hour (no wake up) night wihout a protest, happily, saying "Bye bye mama! bye bye dada!" when we leave the room and shut off the light and close the door. Who wakes up singing the ABC song. Who loves his bed, says, "mine! My Bed!"
Yeah. Worth it. :)
Good for you.
Colicmommy
p.s.--after the first night, which was a little hard, colicmommy and colicdaddy also really didn't feel too much angst when the crying went on. Kind of like, what's got to be done, got's to be done. Kind of like....exactly what YOU said.
Posted by: colicmommy-1 at Jun 28, 2005 1:21:04 PM
Thank god somebody has some sense around here.
Posted by: S at Jun 28, 2005 1:24:38 PM
After being accused of child abuse for letting my 2nd son cry it out--after 8 months of severe sleep deprivation that resulted in/exacerbated post partum-depression, no less--all I can say is, AMEN!! Interesting that my accuser, who took time out of her day to send a hateful e-mail to a mom seeking help for depression, going so far to reach around into her ass and pull out the statement that my son's 14-hour sleep stretch that first night was concrete evidence that he'd been traumatized, was an attachment parent. You know, "gentle" parenting? All about kindness and trust and intuition? Except when it comes to other mothers shifting away from the herd by even the tiniest hair.
I knew at the time that this was absolutely the right thing, for my son, for my sanity and health, for my other, older child. I still feel no regret but still scratch my head at that mom's need to be so cruel.
Again, Julie, AMEN. Thank you for stating this so clearly. Moms who use CIO--and it can be modified and done in various ways, especially if you read the books on it and not the alarmist rhetoric on the Internet--aren't out there to be cruel. We aren't heartless. We are just like just about every other mom; out to do what's best for our families. And those families include moms, too.
Posted by: Toni at Jun 28, 2005 1:27:03 PM
There is nothing wrong with letting your baby CIO. We did it with our daughter and she slept soundly all night (and took 2-3 hour naps during the day) by the time she was 9 months old. She just turned 2 and she is still a champion sleeper.
Good for you, Julie!
Posted by: Leah at Jun 28, 2005 1:29:02 PM
My pediatrician recommended the same thing for my son when I was having trouble getting him to sleep at night. He said to set the timer for an hour and if he wasn't asleep to try feeding/changing/writing checks for thousands of dollars for another hour then try again.
When he cried, I felt guilty because (and it took me a long time to realize this) I was afraid of what other people would think. "Here she is, sitting on the couch watching Bill Kurtis on A&E while her child shrieks in despair", but I never believed I was actually doing anything wrong.
Now that he is three, he goes to bed in his own room at a decent hour and understands that he can't keep waltzing out all night: Mommy means business when she says it's time for bed.
I'm hoping this actually means something important one day, because it's one of the few things I've done with my kid that I'm positive was "right".
Posted by: Miss D at Jun 28, 2005 1:29:07 PM
I resisted CIO at first, but when it started taking me 45 minutes to get my son to bed at night, I had no other choice. Our feelings on it are that it was the hardest thing we've ever had to do, but it is one of the best things we've ever done FOR him. Naps can still be tricky cause he's never napped in his crib much, but bedtime is cake....he'll relapse now and then and scream for a while, but most nights, it's jammies, brushed teeth, story, snuggles and then bed. And he won't make a sound, or just fuss for a few minutes.....and he goes straight through for 11-12 hours. the only bumps in the road come when he's sick or teething.
Glad you found something that works for you. It bothers me when he cries sometimes, but I keep telling myself that I'm doing all of it FOR him. That helps.
Posted by: beachgal at Jun 28, 2005 1:30:35 PM
Oh, I had my cousin start the CIO! It was so hard, my trio are 21 months and they were all getting up 2 - 3 times a night (count that as mommy got no sleep for 2 years!) Now Anna still gets up (she's special needs, down syndrome, so no matter what people tell me I just can't let her CIO.) She gets up a few times a night but that feels like a piece of cake compared to all three getting up!
With Emma, she "got it" right away, no looking back. John is a little more stubborn and he could easily cry for hours on end, fall asleep and be back up an hour later for more. It took him 8 or 9 weeks to get the hang of it!! And he still does wake up occasionally and definitely needs to be rocked to sleep. But if we didn't do CIO then I probably wouldn't be here, writing this note, I'd be dead or in an insane asylum!
Really, as you said, I know that they're not hurt. They are vying for my attention and they do so so so so much better if I let them go, let them sleep whether they like it or not! Before, they were all miserable with getting up so much. Now that they've learned (for the most part) they are much happier. And I'm much happier!! And when Anna sleeps through the night I'm going to have a party!!
Jane
Posted by: jane at Jun 28, 2005 1:36:23 PM
I say whatever works. My first daughter was fine with CIO. Well, not FINE but you know... My second would literally shit herself. So I opted not to do it with her. I mean, crying is one thing but literally pooping your pants out of frustration is entirely something else. At least to me. I know I like to be changed IMMEDIATELY when that happens to me. ROFLOL
Posted by: Ninotchka at Jun 28, 2005 1:39:46 PM
You know, I'm not a CIO fan. I wouldn't be comfortable with it. But Charlie ain't my kid so I say if it works for you, more power to you!
I do get really, really, really tired of people who insist it is the only thing that works though. I think it is great that it works for you. I think it sounds like you have everything in your home under control. I would just caution those of you who have had it work for you to not push your ideas on friends who are having a hard time but who don't want to go that route. If someone is really looking hard for solutions that will let them get more sleep and be more sane but are insistant that they don't want to CIO please don't push them. Those of us who are opposed to CIO for ourselves get a little sick of the constant barrage from parents who insist it is the only solution for everyone just becuase it worked for them.
Not a slam on you Julie. I know you aren't pushing anything on anyone and I'm happy you and Charlie are both less sleep deprived these days.
Posted by: Amy at Jun 28, 2005 1:42:08 PM
I say whatever works. My first daughter was fine with CIO. Well, not FINE but you know... My second would literally shit herself. So I opted not to do it with her. I mean, crying is one thing but literally pooping your pants out of frustration is entirely something else. At least to me. I know I like to be changed IMMEDIATELY when that happens to me. ROFLOL
Posted by: Ninotchka at Jun 28, 2005 1:42:23 PM
I read the whole post, wondering when I'd get to the sentence that would totally alienate me.
But I'm not sure you included it in your post.
(P.S. Whatever works, lady.)
Posted by: Maria at Jun 28, 2005 1:45:24 PM
I hear you Julie. I resisted CIO for so long. I felt it was fundamentally wrong to let your baby cry. I just could not do it. Until my daughter was 19 months and still not sleeping thru the night. I had tried everything I tell you everything and nothing would work. I was so incredibly tired. I worked (still do) full time and one day I noticed I was I was falling asleep at the wheel. That was all it took.
I tried it and it was torture for me. I won't lie, I was miserable and cried along with her, but oh the bliss, when after 2 days she slept the whole night.
I wish I did not have to do it. But I don't regreat a thing.
Do what works for you and your family. Live and let live, that is what I say.
Posted by: Libby at Jun 28, 2005 1:45:32 PM
I got pregnant at 18 and didnt know there was another way than the let-them-cry-if-you-know-they-are-physically-fine napping technique. So I used it, and didn't feel bad, or guilty for NOT feeling bad until months later when someone said "Oh. That was Bad."
Whatever. My son is 10 now and we have great relationship and he is well adapted AND easily adjusts to new situations. And he only opened fire on his kindergarten class once.
Needless to say, if I ever make it to motherhood again, I'll be using the same technique, and ignoring the opposition right alongside you.
Posted by: Z at Jun 28, 2005 1:56:57 PM
CIO certainly worked for us. Very hard at first, but really so is potty training, teaching them that sometimes they have to walk and dress and feed themselves (I'm talking toddlers, here not infants), and teaching them to wait their turn.
CIO is kinda the first step on that road to independance, and no, it's not the only way or always the right way but they do need to learn to put themselves to sleep and to entertain themselves.
Posted by: liz at Jun 28, 2005 2:04:36 PM
This is the more experienced mom telling you the only reason the kind of crying you are talking about bothers me is because it is loud and wakes me up or makes it so I can't hear the dialouge of my favortie Lifetime movie. My kids are 13, 11, 7 and 3. I have let them all cry it out at various points. None of them seem to hate me any more than they should.
Posted by: Lisa V at Jun 28, 2005 2:06:15 PM
So, maybe you should reconsider editing your post: "I don't consider myself AP"? As there are at least a couple of things that have changed. This is proof that in the way of parenting there's no definites. No, "I'll never do this" kinda crap because sooner or later statements we've made in the past come back to bite us in the ass.
I find it interesting how maybe a month or two ago, the word "attachment" was the buzzword in the new mommy blog world. How quickly that changes... Here we are a few weeks later and suddenly more and more mommies jump in the CIO bandwaggon.
I am not saying it's wrong. I am just wondering if that's what's "in" at the moment.
Posted by: happy at Jun 28, 2005 2:07:53 PM
Now, I am not a parent, but I have a LOT of baby experience, so you can take or leave this.
I am a huge proponent of CIO, especially after seeing the negative effects on children whose parents were categorically AGAINST CIO. See, we all forget that picking up and trying to sooth a child EVERY time s/he cries also teaches the child that s/he is in control and it later becomes a huge test of wills in those toddler years when that "NO" word is learned. Not to mention, it pisses me off that women who let their children CIO get charecterized in the same vein as women who neglect their children.
Anecdotally. My mother let both my brother and I CIO before anyone labelled it such, and we are both fine. I was an incredibly colicky baby, and the doctor told her to turn on a record (ha!) or the TV and turn it up. I'm well adjusted, love my parents, haven't gone postal, and am a contributing member of society. And before anyone decides attribute my being a lesbian to being forced to CIO, my brother is also fine, top of his class in college, and engaged...to a woman.
Congrats Julie. Enjoy the sleep while you can. He'll keep you up for other reasons in the teenage years!
Posted by: kim at Jun 28, 2005 2:09:38 PM
Anyone ever watch the Super Nanny? She makes the parents let the kid CIO and by the end of the show(in reality it's been about a week) her tactics are working. You go girl! I tried to let my son CIO but his daddy would never invest in any headphones. He slept in our bed off and on until he was almost 5. He has just turn 6 and has been sleeping in his bed since the summer before he started kindergarten. He does fine now sleeping by himself and napping but I don't think he'll ever like it. But hey I am the parent after all!! And I have never slept better!
Some advice my pediatrician gave me when my son was sleeping in the bed with us. She said the most important thing is that it doesn't affect your personal life. If it doesn't and the child is a year or older it really won't hurt anything. And one last thing is they won't sleep with you forever!
Posted by: DirksMom at Jun 28, 2005 2:09:59 PM
"I'm well aware that people who oppose crying it out might accuse me of a lack of empathy or warn that I'm jeopardizing Charlie's trust. The only answer I have to that is to say that I do care about Charlie's feelings, passionately. It's just that I care about his obvious need for solid sleep and the collective sanity of the family a little bit more."
I couldn't agree with this more -- and not just on the sleep issue. There are a whole host of issues (eating, sharing, potty training) that require a parent to balance the wants of the child (e.g., "why can't I eat cookies for dinner?") with the well-being of the family/child. Sleep is usually the first, but by no means the last, time that this dynamic is tested. You sound (to me, at least) as if you are on the right path to achieving this balance.
P.S. Congrats on getting Charlie to sleep for longer periods! In our house, it always makes for a happier child (and thus, a happier parent) when there have been long naps and good nightime sleeps.
Posted by: Amy at Jun 28, 2005 2:10:31 PM
We basically stumbled to the same conclusion on our own, and everyone is happier indeed. Rule of thumb is if she wakes up crying, she's not done napping. If she wakes up cooing and playing, she's refreshed and done napping. I still can't convince my mother-in-law to accept this, and I'm especially fond of the afternoons I come home and she's pulled our napping daughter from the crib prematurely. "I just don't understand why she's so crabby today," she'll say repeatedly. "I think she's teething."
Teething. Got it. Now go home.
Posted by: CathyY at Jun 28, 2005 2:11:25 PM
If it works, do it! I tried crying it out with my daughter, and she would literally cry for an hour and then just be so upset there was no calming her down. She was the queen of the twenty minute power nap. Two naps, twenty minutes each -- and that's all I'd get the whole day. She was a great sleeper at night and never required drastic measures then, so that helped. But she did grow into longer naps. She now will sleep for two hours in the afternoon -- not sure what happened, however I suspect her undiagnosed food allergies had a huge part in her lack of napping ability when she was younger.
Posted by: Imperfect Mommy at Jun 28, 2005 2:14:00 PM
The lady-shaped person is doing a fabulous job! Babies and children (and grown-ups, for that matter) absolutely need to get enough sleep. The human body requires a certain amount of sleep, and the best thing you can do for Charlie is make sure he's getting it. Hooray for your clever neonataologist!
Posted by: Orange at Jun 28, 2005 2:14:28 PM
Here's how I see it.
Babies usually cry because they need something. They may cry because they need food, they need a dry diaper, or they need a change of scenery.
They may also cry because they need to sleep. And while I can help my baby with those other needs, I can't necessarily or always help him get the sleep he absolutely needs. That's one thing he just has to do on his own sometimes. So, if he cries for five or ten minutes before he gets the sleep he needs, so be it. I hardly think it will damage his trust in me - at least, he hasn't so far, and he wakes up from every nap with a smile on his face.
Posted by: T at Jun 28, 2005 2:17:32 PM
Now why on Earth would I want to go back and edit that post? It accurately represents how I felt at the time, a time when Charlie was a month younger, when he and I both had different needs.
Posted by: Julie at Jun 28, 2005 2:18:05 PM
A-freaking-men, Julie. I wondered if this post was coming.
I didn’t want to let my son CIO. I didn’t think I would have to. He would roll over and fall asleep on his own at 4mos. Then he went to daycare and that all. Went. To. Shit. One of the ladies there coddled him…never put him down, rocked him to sleep, picked him up at the first sign of fussing. He stopped sleeping through the night. At first we thought it was teething. Then he had night terrors. Etc etc. At 17 months we were giving him a bottle and holding him until he fell asleep in our arms usually in our bed while watching TV. He was up until 9:30 some nights. We finally had enough of it. We were arguing with each other over stupid shit because we were so exhausted. My husband was getting up 2-3 times a night. The first night CIO he cried for 30 minutes and I felt like dying. The second night he cried for 5 minutes and I was astonished it was that simple. Third night – he stopped crying before we even made it down the stairs. He cries (annoyed cries, not upset) when we bring him into his room now, but he settles right down. I think he needed the boundary of the crib. He needed to not have a choice because as we all know…babies usually don’t choose to go to sleep when there’s fun to be had. Last night he cried for about 30 seconds and then passed out. I’m hoping he goes back to just rolling over and falling asleep soon…that was nice.
Posted by: reenie at Jun 28, 2005 2:27:54 PM
Hey, not that you need it, but - you knew I'd have your back on this one, right?
I would suggest you wait until he's off the Zantac before you move on to my patented whiskey teething remedy and/or the Mom Must Sleep Tonight evening Benadryl 'cocktail hour', though...
Posted by: Betsy at Jun 28, 2005 2:27:55 PM
AMEN sister. I agree with you 100%.
Posted by: kim at Jun 28, 2005 2:32:43 PM
To Happy:
I don't know that this is so much "trend-hopping" as a learning process, because that's precisely what parenting is. Kind of how some women envision an ideal birth--whether it be a scheduled c-section or totally natural--and find themselves in a totally different circumstance when Junior arrives on the scene.
I was very AP at the outset, until I learned to adapt to the needs of my child (which is what AP purports to be, only there are more rules involved that don't always allow for adaptability). That's what it's really about--adapting to fit the needs of the child within the larger context of a thriving, evolving family. We do a mix of parenting philosophies; I think the danger lies in letting the philosophy run the family instead of the parents, in conjunction with attending to their children's needs.
Posted by: Toni at Jun 28, 2005 2:37:34 PM
I don't have kids of my own yet, but I often babysat when I was in high school and college. I remember at one couple's house, they had an 11 month old and when it got late and they still weren't home, I put her to bed. She cried for about 10 minutes or so, but then all was silent and when I looked in, she was sound asleep.
Parents got home about 15 minutes later (there had been a bad accident and they'd been stuck in traffic) apologizing profusely for being late. "Shhhhhh," I said, "She's asleep. It was getting late so I went ahead and put her to bed a few minutes ago." They stared at me. "You put her to bed and she fell asleep?" "Well, she cried for a bit, but then she fell asleep." They looked concerned, "Did you rock her?" "Um, no, I just let her cry for a bit and then she fell asleep." Concern shifted to anger, "You let her cry?? She has to be rocked and then sometimes she takes a bottle and then we put her in her swing and...." I don't even remember the rest of this ridiculously elaborate routine that apparently normally took almost an hour. They were sure she had probably not so much fallen asleep as passed out from the trauma and terror of being "left alone." I was dumbfounded. This was not a newborn. The kid was almost a year old. It was bedtime. I put her to bed. Sometimes kid cry. Then they fall asleep. I had no idea why they thought the idea of letting a kid cry for a few minutes was cruel and it was years before I learned that there was actually a controversy over this.
Posted by: Jesse at Jun 28, 2005 2:40:47 PM
To the Amy who's anti-CIO: As a mom who has used CIO, I'd never push it on anyone who didn't need or feel comfortable with it. Just letting you know that tolerant parents *do* exist out there! And I'd expect you, similarly, not to judge my choices, particularly without knowing my individual circumstances (i.e., going 8+ months without more than 3 hours' consecutive sleep, post partum depression, an older child to care for, etc.).
It really is all about what works for you and your family.
I'd have sent you an e-mail, but you didn't leave a valid addy, so I'm posting this here.
Posted by: Toni at Jun 28, 2005 2:43:01 PM
I was like you. My daughter's crying didn't rip my heart out either. In fact, I learned after much trial and error that sometimes it was just what she needed to do in order to wind down. If I picked her up and offered her more stimulation, she'd just get MORE tired and irritable.
The thing is, babies, being pre-verbal and all, don't have a lot of options for communication. Crying is sort of the catch-all, whether they're hungry, hurting, feverish or just too damned tired.
I think this is a case where you need to throw all dissenting assvice aside and follow your instincts.
Posted by: Susy at Jun 28, 2005 2:51:14 PM
Julie, perhaps editing was the wrong word choice as much as revisit. This is why my next sentence said that nothing is ever definite in parenting and I agree with Toni. It's a learning process, we stand on one side at one point and switch to another the next.
Posted by: happy at Jun 28, 2005 2:57:38 PM
I'm puzzled why anyone would think Julie would need to edit a past post. As she points out, she and Charlie had different needs a month ago. Things change. Babies develop. Parents adapt their parenting techniques accordingly. Doesn't mean they were "wrong" in how they were doing things before, just that they're paying attention to what's going on NOW and discover new ways to respond. To me, that's not inconsistent...that's just smart.
Posted by: S at Jun 28, 2005 2:58:56 PM
I totally support your decision to let him cry it out. I don't have any kids but had a big part in raising my brother and sister and I think it's time to put common sense back into child-rearing.
It's your job to be the adult in the situation- you know best, and you know that he needs his sleep. That's what parents are there for!
Posted by: Lisa at Jun 28, 2005 2:58:58 PM
whoo hoo! Way to go Julie and Charlie!
Posted by: stephanie at Jun 28, 2005 3:13:33 PM
