« How to alienate half your readers with one simple sentence | Main | Onward and outward »

07/04/2005

Errata

I see my last post has caused some upheaval. It's also unfortunately caused some misunderstanding. I should have been more explicit in my writing, because I see many of you have concluded that I put Charlie down howling and simply walk away. This is not the case. I apologize for being unclear. I don't mind disagreement, and I expect differences of opinion since anyone's approach to raising a child is necessarily personal, deeply felt, and tailored to the unique needs of her family, but I would prefer that you take issue with what I actually do rather than what I inadvertently left you to assume by my lack of clarity. Therefore I would like to issue a correction.

We started that day. At the end of the hour, when I went back inside, Charlie was just winding down.

should have read:

We started that day, putting him down for his nap as usual: rocked well-nigh into a stupor, drowsy and ready to drop off peacefully, if not fully asleep already. As I customarily do, I satisfied myself that he was settled and comfortable before slinking away to check on the 101 Dalmatian puppies I am raising for their coats. At the end of the hour, when I went back inside after not missing his awakening at right around the 45-minute mark because this is summer in New England and our house is cooled by ceiling fans and open windows so there is no "out of earshot," and, by the way, God Jesus, do we sweat, Charlie was just winding down after fussing indignantly, not keening in terror that his former bosom friend, the plush duck in his bed, was suddenly menacing him with a shiv that had been concealed deep within his polyester stuffing.

Furthermore, the lone embryo that became an ectopic pregnancy was not "a little bastard" that should have been "squashed under my thumb in its dish." It was a precious angel of radiant light that breathed among us for but a moment, teaching us priceless lessons about laughter, life, and love.

The caption to the cartoon on p. 56 should have read, "I say it's giant rubbery clots of shedding endometrium, and I say the hell with it."

Also, I see nothing worth remarking in the fact that Michelle Duggar is pregnant again.

Finally, on the advice of my attorneys, I must now assert that Lunchables® are not, in fact, sliced dead people. They are instead the first pre-packaged, ready-to-eat lunch offering meat, cheese, and crackers that allow kids to MAKE FUN OF LUNCH® by providing them with food that they love in a manner that allows them to build and eat any way they want, with 44 different flavor combinations and 8 varieties to provide a nearly infinite array of salt-crusted, preservative-dripping flavor sensations. Visit Lunchables®.com to learn more, and to create your own radical combinations. (Why Oscar Mayer® would want to suggest that their product has anything to do with a bubbling beaker of urine, monkeys, rats, and eyeballs, I'm sure I don't know — but I just say what the lawyers tell me to say, and that's my final word on the subject.)

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings.

Comments