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02/12/2006
You like me. You really...Oh. Wait.
People all over the infertile blog world are talking about the Big Bad Blog Awards over at The Aitch's. (See sidebar for précis.) Being the retiring sort, naturally I haven't wanted to call attention to myself, but my agent tells me if I don't step out and say at least a few words, my next booking will be as a fluffer on a Little Giant Ladder spot.
A Quick and Ever-So-Neutral Guide to the Entire Affair
1. Blogger complains about blog awards in general, posts own humorous list of categories.
2. Commenters encourage blogger to select winners.
3. Blogger creates password-protected category on her blog, requiring registration and warning applicants that if they are not approved for registration, it may be because they are being discussed.
4. Blogger posts winners in password-protected entry.
5. Commenters add their own nominations.
6. Information is leaked to several of the winners, some of whom are hurt by the personal nature of the comments, some of whom post about the matter on their own blogs.
7. Discord ensues.
8. Various explanations are tendered.
9. Gracious attempts to move on are made.
10. Julie picks up a fungo bat and circles the dead horse speculatively, considering angles, then lands a blow that would make a
blindfolded kindergarten piñata-whacker suffering from a disorienting inner ear infection proud, and lurches off tipsily to the Little Giant set.
Although my customary modesty makes me reluctant to boast, I wouldn't want those who were kind enough to vote for me to think me ungrateful, so I will admit, in my exquisitely self-effacing way — you know: pretty blush, shy smile, appealing moue of girlish pleasure — that even among a field of such staggering talent, true legends of our craft, I managed to bring home a title or two.
Me. Me! I know! Listen, I didn't think I'd win. I didn't even have a speech written! Therefore I stood at the podium and leaked long ropes of drool onto the microphone for my allotted 45 seconds until the theme music cut me off and I was manhandled into the wings by a grim-faced spangle-wearing Amazon whose only directive was to make sure I didn't do a drunken lurch into the orchestra pit.
Damn, those girls are strong.
I regret being so tongue-tied at the ceremony, so star-struck, so thoroughly tranq'd that the whole left side of my face looked like it belonged in either The Persistence of Memory or a Death Valley wax museum. (Note to publicist: Slurred speech, vertiginous lurch, and viscous cascade of saliva can all be easily explained. Tell press I was not inebriated in the slightest, despite the yeasty reek coming off me in waves. That yeast was female trouble, and the tumble I took on the red carpet that revealed my big cotton underpants was because...I know. I got it: I had a goddamn stroke. A stroke that will in no way jeopardize my participation in that ladder gig, by the way. So can I please get some fucking sympathy?)
Ahem. Pardon me. Where was I? Fluffer...saliva...tongue...oh! Yes! Tongue-tied! Yes. I regret that I wasn't able to give my gracious thanks at the ceremony. I would like to do so now.
Please allow me to voice my gratitude, members of the academy, for tapping me as the winner in the category...
Listen, it was an honor just to be nominated, so imagine my surprise when I actually won! Oh, I know I sometimes think I'm excrementally lukewarm. I confess I even have moments, delusional moments, wild flights of fancy during which I imagine I am the fecal equivalent of roiling, seething magma. But to learn that I'm not? Well, I am floored. Gobsmacked. Scraped into a specimen cup and dropped off at the lab no more than an hour after evacuation, as a matter of fact. Thank you. Thank you, voters. Thank you, Mom and Dad. Thank you, Jesus. And thank you, merciful wizened naturopath who does my weekly high colonics, because I asked Paul but he flat-out refused. I mean, good God, is chivalry dead?
Moving on!
I am completely choked up, and hyperventilating to boot. I...I can hardly speak, I'm so moved. But I will labor mightily to push just a scant...few...words of appreciative thanks out through the frenetic spasms of my larynx:
That up there is a goddamned split infinitive.
Now although it is probably not becoming for me, having the privilege of winning when so very few were even nominated, to do so, I must take exception to my inclusion in the final category:
I am deeply disappointed to see the good people who comment on my blog called ass-kissers. The people who have supported me in my darkest moments. The people who have shown me the greatest kindness I've ever known. The people who make me laugh, make me think, make me strong. The people who help me through every single day. Ass-kissers? No.
God, no. Everyone knows that we on this blog are crack-lickers.
And that is all I have to say about this year's Big Bad Blog Awards. Oh, except to ask whether you think I can still return the gown I bought to wear to the ceremony. I only spilled a little bit of Mad Dog on it.
You know. When I had that stroke.
Comments (163)
The comments to this entry are closed.
fuck.
and, i am here to kiss your ass, so... i love you man.
You're really amazing.
And beyond that, all i can say is 'Mmm, crack.'
I so heart you. I don't care if it makes me a sycophant. Take that gown to the cleaners and I'm sure it will be just fine.
Encore! Encore! =)
I wasn't aware of the blog drama. I come here to get my Charlie fix! If that means I am considered a 'kiss ass' then so be it!
Big smack on the crack!!! I Laughed so loud I woke the baby,but it was worth it! You are truly the best Julie.I knew if anyone could,you would be the one to make us all laugh.Because you know,you are such hot shit!
please bend over so that i might smooch your backside! wheee!
seriously though, that ruled.
And this, my darling, is why I worship you. Your recap sidebar nails the sequence of events - hurray for good information and getting and the rub of things. Bravo.
Only thing, J, I don't lick cracks. So you're going to have to settle for mad clapping.
Hey! At least you didn't win the "ugly award," right?
Very gracious speeches. I have a few tears in my eyes.
I'm puckering up right now.
That was *almost* as hilarious as the Baby Einstein parody.
Oh for the love of levity. Only you, dear.
Awesome.
This is the classiest response I've seen. Please allow me to lick your crack.
I'm ordering my shirt now that says, boldly across my heaving bosom, "I Licked Julie's Crack and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt".
Just fucking awesome.
bahahahaha............ can't.breathe.
Love,
Brenda
(1st in line to kiss Julie's ass)
Currently I'm moving from excrementally lukewarm to excrementally tepid... to excrementally stunned and crack-licked.
How mean.
Julie, you rock. Simple as that.
About fucking time.
Poor Paul. He wasn't picked as "Bloggers husband I'd most like to sleep with". Hope he is handling the loss with aplomb.
You rock. Screw the haters.
THREE awards? Wow! No wonder you've gone all Gwyneth on us.
But didn't anyone tell you that noone ever BUYS their gown? You'll be telling us you got Paul to buy the diamonds next....
Pxx
I think you're great too, if there's a problem with that, i'll meet the award people out by the bike shed and beat them up - excellent post.
You are definitely blog royalty in my book. Kisses!
You should definitely wear that dress, and you should get a little pink all-in-one made for Charlie too.
And then we should all skip down the street shouting "I don't want to be in your silly gang anyway, you couldn't pay me to be in it, so nuh nuh nuh."
Now I'm offended, you forgot to say "I love you all" and "God bless". You should be stoned - to death, that is.
Personally licking cracks is rather passé I'm afraid, being in vet school I've found that our cows' tongues have just the right traction vs moisture ratio. It's all in the details, as my assistant will gladly show you:
http://orsay.tribe.net/tribe/upload/photo/852/232/852232bf-4ece-4622-b011-c21a4b1b9b9f.medium
Well sod it, demodé AND your site doesn't recognise impossibly long links, I had to flickr the stupid thing.
AS I WAS SAYING: Blah blah bla as my assistant will gladly show you:
http://static.flickr.com/43/99198778_bcff918569_o.jpg
Why do you even feed into it? Take it as a compliment - it's the price of fame, my dear. You're so big and adored the lesser and less-adored feel the need to level you.
I enjoy your blog and sometimes I comment and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I disagree with you and if I think I can post a well though out negative comment that's not a personal attack I will. If not, I don't and stew about it for hours and then write it down in my journal where you are on my shitlist.
Ok. Just kidding on the last part.
The reason I try not to post unkind comments on most blogs I read is because most of them are personal journals. In general, you aren't writing this to invite debate or criticism. If you ask for debate or criticism I'll give it because I like to give assvice as much as the next person. If that's ass-kissing because I keep some negative thoughts to myself, so be it.
You know, being a winner this year usually means being a presenter next year...but after the photos from that afterparty get out, I'll be surprised if they even let you vacuum the red carpet, you filthy jezebel.
Couldn't wait for you to weigh in and you did not disappoint.
Bend over, please. I'd like to kiss that FINE, FINE ass. Again and again.
It's an honor just to be a commenter on a blog that was nominated. Ha!
Great response, my dear. Happy to kiss your ass any day of the week.
See, as a marketer myself I can't help but feel you've alienated some part of your target audience.
Saying "Paul and I have decided that what is best for Charlie ..."
... only reminds some part of the audience that well-balanced, well-educated couples often make decisons together (as strange as that concept might seem).
Might I suggest instead:
"CHLY IS GUD. PL IS WANKR! NEED DFRINT JOB! BORED! I KNOW! SHALL TALK SHIT ABOUT OTHERS! WINNER!! WILL BE POPULAR!!"
Given how absolutely perfect your response is, I'm not left with much to say.
It's also clear that I've done insufficient ass-kissing and crack-licking to date--mostly just lurked and enjoyed--but I want to make sure you continue to hold that title. So here goes: For the last two years, you've been making me laugh about all the things I cry about the rest of time. Thank you.
Is Sherry putting together a bulk order for the t-shirts? Where do I sign up?
Best. Response. Ever.
I'm copying...but I love you...really, I love you. :)
Blog where people act like they're still in high school..., puh-leeze! I love you Julie and donn't you forget it. Ass kisser and proud of it!
Nicely done!
Have I been a good enough little ass kisser to borrow that dress?
Wow- for some people Jr. High never ends huh? Oh well... I want to be part of the crack licking fan club! Julie- great response!
Very, very well handled.
Brava.
this blogdrama crap is why i usually avoid all-female social groups if i can. there's something about us women that means that in large numbers allowed to percolate in similar circumstances for sufficient period of time, a total cheap-ass, envious, hate-filled, middle-school-style social hell will be formed.
i don't know why it is. i just know i try to avoid it. i suppose it had to happen in this community sooner or later, too.
it's too bad.
Why on Earth anyone would create a situation so obviously destined to cause *even more pain* for people who've already been through so much is beyond me.
Well-handled as always, Julie.
I had no idea about this Blogdrama until I came over here this morning. Good grief.
If being loyal to friends makes me a bad person then so be it. Can't see how anyone would be comfortable knowing a friend could at any time stab them in the back. It just doens't seem to compute, for me.
Nicely played Julie...which was no surprise to anyone.
Given the source of the awards, perhaps you should get noticed for being able to write in complete, gramatically-correct sentences.
Because you made my heart skip a beat by noticing a split infinitive.
Love you, love Julia, love Tertia. (Probably some of the other nominees as well, but didn't investigate.)
That is all.
I'm having a nauseating flashback to high school. This is the first I've heard about a snotty clique of "popular" bloggers (http://theaitch.standingcheese.com/?p=605)!!
I was as pissed upon as anyone else in high school, & I never once mistook Julie's snappy writing for the bullying smack-downs of the popular crowd.
absolutely beautiful response to an amazingly ugly situation! WEll DONE!!
Dude, you suck! You think you're better than me because you won all those awards, but really you only won because you made all your friends go vote for you.
Fucking popular asshole. Ballot-box stuffer.
Waiting to see your take on this, Julie. And you did not disappoint.
I'd give anything to see that drunken lurch into the orchestra pit.
Whoa! what drama, I had no idea! In any case, I've been a lurker forever (a dedicated one at that) and I love your writing. If that makes me an ass kisser so be it!