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03/17/2006
Toddle model twaddle
There is something faintly disturbing about the photographs used on diaper packaging. The children featured are always attractive and well-groomed, of course, as befits a teething supermodel. But beyond that, there's an unsettling fakeness to them. They seem suspiciously carefree, after all, for babies who are on the verge of emptying their bowels — unless we're supposed to assume they've already performed the necessary, in which case, gaaaah, dude, don't go down the slide in that thing. They are almost invariably performing tasks that should not be undertaken without pants, or at least not without an athletic supporter. And not a single one of them has managed to seize my toothbrush from where it was carelessly left near the edge of the bathroom counter and inquisitively tuck it down the front of his diaper.
I call foul. Every time I'm in the diaper aisle in the grocery store, I try to imagine what's really going on in the photos. I've included a few examples. Now it's your turn. Go on. Try it. It's fun.
Winner gets to explain to baby #7 why his mommy doesn't love him.
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Package #1
"...And after you finish the lawn, Mellors, there's a hornet's nest I'd like you to see to."
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Package #2
Everyone agreed that this time Calvin Klein truly went too far.
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Package #3
Tonight: The shocking season finale of CSI: Kindercare.
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Package #4
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Package #5
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Package #6
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Package #7
Comments (37)
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Package 5 is "FART POWER!" ;-)
#5 is obviously about the impact of toilet-training, brainwashing children into following societal norms. Notice how gleeful and victorious each child is. These photos will also be highly embarrassing to these models when they're teenagers.
It's interesting that it seems that the babies must be clearly gendered. And Girl #6 has her arm strategically located obscuring her nipples, while it's okay for them to show on Boy #1.
And somehow I don't think Boyz #5 A, B, & C are having pungent explosive diarrhea.
Diaper advertising is only the beginning. I urge you to write a sequel post that addresses the total fucked-uppedness of wet-wipe advertising, that shuddersome enemy that makes raw-bottomed babies of us all. A press release for Charmin Fresh Mates informs us that, "The companies say that 60 percent of U.S. consumers have used their own form of the product by either moistening a sheet of regular toilet paper or using a combination of wet toilet paper and wet wipe.” OH MY GOD AMERICA YOU ARE BREAKING MY HEART WITH YOUR NASTINESS.
#5 - The podium at the Potty Olympics!
Actually if those things really help teach your kids to use the potty, we wouldn't need to buy so many of them, only the potties. (So I'm a little bitter.)
#6 - She's taking the world's biggest poo to show her Daddy? "I made this for you!"
Keep 'em coming!
#4 "Folling in the footsteps of tennis stars Venus & Serena, Lil' Pele goes fashion forward in this year's FIFA World Cup"
#5 "All together now....KABOOM!"
#6 "Those boys in pic#5 wouldn't let me hang so I'm going to hold on to this ball and squat right here"
#7 "Oops! I did it again."
I love that you can entertain yourself everywhere! At least P & G, J & J, et al are representing poopers of many colours (u added for fun). Number 3 was my favorite and stopped me from even trying to top.
Kel
ummm.... that should be "Following in the footsteps..." heh heh I got a little too excited and forgot some letters.
#4:
Ooh, there's a bug on the side of my mouth. Got it!
#5
Guess which of hand has your engagement ring? Too late. I swallowed it.
#7
Presenting Superbaby! Who can crawl in midair!
or
#7
"Damn paparazzi."
yeah they all look carefree like the women in the tampon commercials. LOL
Package #6
It's not to late for little Suzy to start pilates. Look at the rolls on her little tummy!
#6 -- "mmmmmmm.... braaaaains..."
mental note to self: no delurking while sleep-deprived :-)
#3: It's a package of overnight diapers. Why isn't the kid... sleeping? Or at least lying down? Maybe the bear is the one wearing the diaper.
#5: Ok, I have little brothers, and I remember when they were potty trained, and I'm guessing those kids are already... um... done. Because if they weren't, the no-handedness would totally have them squirting wee into their little triumphant faces. But I guess that wouldn't be very good advertising now, would it?
#7: That kid is like 6 years old. Why is he crawling, let alone wearing diapers?
Oh, yay! Some Friday fun!
#4: "Huggies: Carefully holding your baby's balls...so he doesn't have to"
(What? Someone had to make the ball joke. Why not me?)
#5 is a bit confusing, what with the rays of light emanating from each child. I'll have to go with, "Pooping with the power of the sun!"
#6: "No. Seriously. We PAID someone to do that pathetic Photoshopping job."
#7....JEEZus...that kid looks like a six-year-old! (Maybe it's just the size of the photo? I dunno....) If he IS six and still rebelliously refusing to walk or use the potty...that right there would pretty much explain why his mommy doesn't love him.
#6 "I want to be the girl with the most mullet."
#7
"Chocolate people, well I'll be damned
Land of plenty, land of fun
To find out I'm Nimrod's son."
#4 "Since Mommy shrunk my shirt, I'm gonna throw this ball at her head!"
#5 "Just tell them they're on a roller coaster and maybe they'll sit still long enough for something to appear in the bowl."
#6 "My ball's bigger than your balls!"
#7 "What now, Mom? Can't you see I'm trying to concentrate so I can get into the Ivey League preschool you wanted?"
#4-"I think if I really concentrate I can take out that cheesy lady next to the photographer that keeps telling me to smile"
#5-"Now that I've mastered pooping on command I can take out mom's ugle red shoes! MWAH HA HA"
#6 is still in shock that they got her her own hairdresser and can't concentrate. She's already planning her takeover of Brittney Spear's empire-and her mom knows someone in the porn industry in case the pop thing doesn't work out.
#5 - Of all the places to be during a stick-up... Then again...
Hmmmm....
#4: couldn't Pampers/Huggies afford a shirt that actually fit the child?
#5 appear to have all white males - perhaps pre-Proctor & Gamble execs (why else would they be raising their hands in triumph and smiling?)
Okay, so I have no cutsie ideas, just snotty remarks.
#7 seriously looks like he's scared of being beaten. It's creepy.
#4 - "If I make the soccer team, maybe they'll give me some pants to wear!"
#7 - "Nicolas Cage, are you my daddy?"
#4: "After Junior lost his left arm in a freak accident, I thought his modeling career was finished! Thanks, Photoshop!"
#5: "Radioactivity: not just for Plutonium anymore!"
#6: "Pageants don't win themselves, young lady! Feel the burn!"
#7: "Is this how you like it, Papi?"
#6: Look Mama! I'm a dung beetle!
#7: They had to edit out the background... I'm making this face because they made me CRAWL ON A NON-SWIFFERED FLOOR!
bonus: The Horror!
#4: Billy tried to concentrate on the soccer game, but he was distracted by the popcorn kernel stuck in his left molar.
#5: The children were known only as the "Power Poopers". No one knew why starburst gradients exploded behind them whenever they moved their bowels, nor why their arms were helplessly flung skyward, but they were carefully studied by scientists for many years.
#6: It plays with the ball or it gets the hose. If it soils the diaper it gets the hose. It keeps a vacant expression or it gets the hose.
#7: Jimmy shamefully crawled on, desperate to escape the stench of betrayal emanating from his rear end.
#4 - Unfortunately, Tiger was no match for the giant ball-wielding terror-child, who appeared through a sudden circular vortex and gleefully smashed the poor storybook character to bits, yelling "SCCCCOOOOOORRRRREEEE!"
#5 - "Wonder Poopers, activate! Form of..." (nevermind)
#6 - Permanently stooped from months of loading cannons, little Alice still finds the time to brush and curl her admirable locks each day.
#7 - Poor Johnny didn't like modeling for the drug store brand diaper company, mostly on account of his lazy eye, but also because they let the janitor do the cropping and trapping for the package design.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
#5 (clearly the ripest - heh, heh - for mockery): she'd had her doubts about the beer and chili dogs, but it was witnessing the triplets doing "The Wave" that finally spurred Mrs. Thompson to throw away her copy of "Potty Training the Pro Sports Way".
heh heh...i love the triplets doing the wave one. Seriously, I could see my husband buying a book like that.
Ok, I'm dying here at everyone's comments.
I just wanted to tell you what my cousin (an ad executive) told me about the set up for a Pampers TV commercial she was involved in. A set with about 100 babies and their mommas, all miserable, because legally (child labor laws) they can only work for the "blink of an eye" or so it seemed to Casey. "So, how did you get them all to sit in the cute little groups?" I innocently asked. "Oh, we velcroed their diapers to the floor".
Secondly, have you ever noticed that the babies in the Butt Cream (pseudogeneric here) commercials always have the cute diaper covers? Is that so that they don't want tp accidentally advertise one diaper brand v. all the rest (because we all know our waistbands don't we?) or is it because cloth diapered babies need their products more?
Yes, I'm de-lurking for this one! Why are all of the babies boys? I mean, only one girl?
Julie, you crack me up a lot of the time. I didn't want to comment on your last post, as it seems very personal, but I wish you luck and peace with whatever decision you make.
#5. Oh blessed 30 minutes of peace. She could explain away the reddened skin on their butts as diaper rash. Putting superglue on the potty seats had been sheer genius on her part, oh yes.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
How sleep deprived are you?
For #6:
"Hey Man, you wanna join our drum circle?"
These are a riot. Thanks, Julie.
These are absolutely hysterical. Thanks for a much-needed laugh.
...funniness makes happy morning here for me...
#6. All too soon wee Sissy discovered her full name was Sisyphus.