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04/22/2006
I freely admit I have issues.
So it comes in a plain white wrapper, this magazine that arrives in the mail every few months. I don't know why I get it; I never requested it, as far as I know, although I suppose it's possible that I accidentally subscribed to it when I was signing one of the dozens of forms before one cycle or another: We understand that it is impossible to predict with any degree of certainty the psychological implications of our participation in IVF — no, really, believe us, we get it; we understand that daily subcutaneous injection of gonadotropins will turn the patient into the scary, scary offspring of Baby Jane Hudson and the Incredible Hulk; we understand that, whoa!, hey!, can't say you didn't warn us where that ultrasound probe goes; yes, the words "giant-ass needle" and "vaginal walls" do ring a bell, thanks for asking; we understand that after retrieval, the patient will feel like she's been hit in the midsection with a sock full of nickels; we understand that if you're gonna make an omelette, you have to break some eggs; we can't think of a similar metaphor involving semen, and we agree that that's just as well; we understand that after transfer, anything, and we mean anything, could happen; as the very first page in the patient handbook stipulates, we agree to pay for this entire clusterfuck before injection one; and oh, what the hell, sure — we don't get enough mail I would be embarrassed for my letter carrier to see, so, yeah, go ahead and send us Infertility Times.
It's an earnest enough effort, this magazine, and I confess I do read it avidly upon arrival. I never make it through an issue, though, without a Hulky growl of irritation. I mean, what other response can there be to ads like this one for a fertility clinic?
What do you get when you combine state-of-the-art reproductive technology with personalized, comprehensive care?
Usually, you get pregnant.
Now maybe I'm being picky, but when I see "usually," I tend to interpret that as "unless things get pretty weird." Not only "more often than not," which you could justifiably use with a success rate of 51%, but "for the most part." "It is our most common outcome by far." "Well, it doesn't always work, but... [Wink]" That kind of thing. The language of this ad seems to promise a probability of success somewhere upwards of, I don't know, 65%? 75%? High, anyway, right?
So naturally I checked the latest CDC stats to see what they actually deliver. I wasn't able to find the clinic in the state-by-state listings — strange, I thought, but perhaps the name they use in their ad is simply an umbrella for several clinics. So I checked their Web site, to find not the straightforward set of bar graphs I'd hoped for, but a condescending little treatise on looking "beyond the numbers" of success rates: "IVF success rates are available for all to examine," I read (though I was unable to locate them). IVF centers select patients according to different criteria, I was told, with different protocols and lab conditions, all of which might influence success rates. Therefore I should be careful when choosing a clinic based on their published numbers. "You should ask your physician," the article concluded, to predict your personal chances for success.
Now why doesn't that sound like "Usually, you get pregnant" to me? (We understand that the program's published success rates are merely serving suggestions — pineapple rings and aromatic cloves, if you will, crowning the savory canned ham of ongoing pregnancies.)
But let us move on. In this month's issue, there's an article headlined "Physical Therapy to Treat Infertility." It's about a massage technique that purports to break down abdominal and pelvic adhesions. Common in women with endometriosis, adhesions form as the result of surgery or inflammation. As the name indicates, they make your insides, um, stick to themselves. "Physical and massage therapists specifically trained in this area have the ability to treat a woman's abdomen, seeking out areas of scarring, and working to release adhesions," the article explains. Now raise your hand if this sounds like a rejuvenating afternoon at the spa to you.
As much as the thought of someone kneading my abdomen trying to get my fintoozler to stop sticking to my fishamajig skeeves me out — and, wow, is that a lot — the article itself isn't what bothers me. It's the placement right below the article of a big freaking ad for the outfit that's patenting this technique. Talk about troubling adhesions.
Finally, this month's issue included a feature titled, "10 Ways to Keep the Romance Alive While Trying to Conceive (TTC)." I appreciate the intent of the article, and I agree that it's of paramount importance to keep seeing your partner as a lover instead of as just, oh, you know, a hangdog cup-wanker. (We understand that the male partner will be required to ejaculate on demand, no matter how erotically uninspiring it is that the so-called collection room is actually just a hospital bathoom with an extra plastic chair in it.) I just wish the author had shown a bit more imagination. Sure, there's nothing wrong with "Go away for a dreamy weekend," or "Have a date night." But longtime patients need some new ideas, suggestions that acknowledge the unique toll infertility takes on a partnership.
So here are my suggestions "to fuel the flame of passion" in an infertile couple's relationship:
- Tell each other your fantasies without using the words "cervical mucus."
- Look, you were going to trim your pubic hair for your RE anyway. Let your husband think it's for him.
- Be spontaneous in your lovemaking. (CD 8, CD 10, CD 12, CD 13, CD 14, CD 15, and CD 17 should do nicely.)
- Look at old photos of the two of you, before you got so old, fat, and sad.
- Flavor your progesterone suppository with just a hint of honey and vanilla.
- Leave steamy little notes for each other to find describing what sensual delights lie in store later: "...And then I'll break open that glass ampule with my teeth. Rrowr. Love, Tiger."
- Refrain from counting the days aloud when you try to figure out whether it's okay to ejaculate this close to egg retrieval.
- Take pictures of each other naked. Photoshop out the belly bruises.
- Role-play. May I suggest infertility-patient-anxiously-awaiting-arrival-of-doctor and unwitting-building-maintenance-man-coming-to-change-a-light-bulb?
- Turn on some soft music, warm up the aromatherapy oils, and treat each other to a long, relaxing massage. Your fishamajig isn't gonna wrench itself loose, you know.
Look, I'm sorry. I think it's great that information about treatment, alternative therapy, stress relief, and service providers is being made available to infertile people. There's a lot of useful material in the magazine — notices about studies that need participants, abstracts of journal articles, and personal stories many will relate to. And the magazine's founders contended with infertility, too, so I respect and appreciate their effort to reach out to people like themselves. It's just that for all the good stuff in it, try as I might, I can't make it through an issue without sputtering.
(And, yes, we understand that the patient cannot use hormonal surges as an excuse for her free-floating crankiness until she actually begins injections, no matter how glued her fintoozler.)
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You are full of good ideas...many kinds of good ideas. Thank you so much for not hightailing it out of the blogosphere when Charlie arrived.
Do you mean you see Paul as more than just a hangdog cup-wanker??
Sorry I just had too, good luck for when you start to cycle again. Not that me wishing you luck will make one damm bit of diffrence.
What do you actually say to someone starting an IVF cycle?? Good luck seems crass and IMO patronising. umm is happy mood swings better? what about have fun with the dildo cam and gonal F? Julie you need to educate me on proper IVF ettiqutte because i've not been there myself yet. Hey is could be worse I could be sending ::Babydust:: as per several ttc messageboards ;)
Hahahahaha...oh, my stomach.
Romance? ALIVE? Ha!
Oh, they're cute. I like them.
No. 5 was my favorite.
I hated those damn things.
I read a book (actually more of a booklet at 100-or-so pages) back in university called "How to Lie with Statistics"; it made me hypercritical of all advertising since. Think about this: "9 out of 10 dentists recommend...". So what if they only asked 10 dentists? And in what way could those dentists be biased? And maybe they surveyed 15 dentists but didn't like the answers the other five gave.
Anyhow, the first thing that I wondered upon reading "Usually, you get pregnant.", was what population was observed? The implication both because of being published in a magazine targeted at infertile couples, as well as the assumption that infertiles are the ones doing ART (or pre-ART stuff like IUI) is that they're referring to that group. But if you re-read the question, they could mean the general population, or some skewed subset thereof. ...just my personal issue with advertising.
Oh and I couldn't stop my stomach turning reading what Alison wrote about the 'babydust' thing. Sure those people mean well, but it irritates me to no end when adults talk like elementary-school children. You'd think they could be a bit more sensitive and articulate.
"[W]e understand that if you're gonna make an omelette, you have to break some eggs; we can't think of a similar metaphor involving semen..."
Okay. Deep breaths. We can do this. "We understand that if you're going to make a 牡蛎煎, you have to pry open a stony-lipped swimmer and slurp at its muscular, mucus-bright foot."
Well, almost.
You're really smart to check CDC stats and not trust a clinic ever, no matter how nice the nurses seem. I may or may not have a close family member who worked in IVF for 20 years and it's sort of sick the amount of lying that goes on. Uh. I hope you can't trace IP addresses. Or THEY can't. Believe the lie!
Leave steamy little notes for each other to find describing what sensual delights lie in store later: "...And then I'll break open that glass ampule with my teeth. Rrowr. Love, Tiger."
I bow down Julie. That.fucking.rocked.
you know, for all its humor, i teared up a little over this. if i hadnt had the amazing spontaneous pregnancy of my little one, i would have been one of those naive women who got super excited and/or super relieved over that advertisement. wow. i feel... hmm? a little embarassed.
i think that infertile women (or couples) who are just starting to explore their options need to come across women like you, who have been there and can direct them to reality.
ah, julie. you make me think.
on a lighter note, #6 is just TOO FUNNY!!!
Is it just me or does the term "babydust" make you think of what would happen if Buffy staked a baby vampire?
Or it the dust that collects on your toddler when you leave hom in his crib for over an hour in the morning because he went to sleep at 11:00 pm and woke up at 7 am?
Every time I say "cervical mucus," my husband cringes. And I've been saying it for three years.
#6 had me howling!
Julie - It is interesting for me to see the amazing stats bandied around re: IVF in the states.
See, in Australia (where the medical system is not QUITE as profit-driven - though it's getting there) we are given IVF success rates of around 20% per cycle.
I don't believe that this is because our technology or doctors are any worse. I just reckon that there's not as much reason for the clinics to twist their numbers to look better than they are, by including pregancies not carried to term, selecting clients with best chances of success etc.
I think it's best to hear the real deal. Do people agree with me?
We don't even get those sort of magazines to complain about :(
Great post, thanks for the laugh :)
#6 was hysterical. #5 made me queasy.
Isn't it sad how easy it is to prey on the desperate hopes of an infertile person?
And "Keeping the Romance Alive"? Romance...romance. Nope, doesn't ring a bell.
Had m/c few weeks ago. Now getting ready for another IVF cycle. Julie your writings have help me cope with my loss and sadness. I read your posts again and again and it always makes me laugh and forget about my sorrows. For a little while atleast.
Thanks.
No one's massaging anything loose in my abdominal cavity. Or any other cavity, for that matter.
Thanks for a great laugh on an otherwise boring Sunday.
I had a little geek-out over that photo.
I really need to get out more.
Back on topic, I think it's criminal that it's almost impossible to find out the truth behind a clinic's sucess rate. That just blows.
-Blue
Would Paul just be getting or freebie massage or does he have some adhesions?
I did #4 today already. It just made me feel older, sader and fatter. I must try out some of those other suggestions though. Great post, as always.
Love No2.
Picturing #9 as a cheesy flick you'd find in the seedy video store and cracking up...
You slayed me with all of it, but killed me with #4.
I wish YOU were a writer for Infertility Times. (and what a bad, bad name for a publication like that. is there a fertility times, do you think? and "I don't care and we shagged like mad" times? a miscarriage times?
I like number nine myself. "Ooooh, Fred! Wand me like THAT!"
Okay. Am I the only one that remembers the 'Fishamajig' being a sandwich at Friendly's???
Straight from the lunch menu:
"Fishamajig®
The name says it all. Tender fried cod, topped with melted American cheese and tartar sauce, on grilled bread. Served with pickle chips."
I will never look at a fish sandwich the same way. Ever. Again.
#1 and #5 made me gag.
#6 and #8 made me LOL.
You are a comic genius.
Jesus, you're funny.
#6 got me.
Brilliant.
Those magazine ads are creepy, and the idea that somebody might be impressed is scary indeed.
Your list is hilarious!
I think you should stick with the comic book subscription. Or Lego Magazine, my current favourite.
Thank you Julie for making me laugh at the absurdity of what we have just been through. My husband and I turned to IVF after having four first trimester losses. The 'experts' agreed after finding out that we were having trisomy issues that IVF with PGD was our best shot at having a healthy baby. Our very first shot at IVF began okay during the Gonal F stage, but proceeded to go downhill with the egg retrieval from hell which was followed by my night in the emergency room due to the huge blood clot in my bladder. After going home with a portable catheter, we found out the next day that only three of our eleven eggs fertilized (they knew not why) and so the PGD was cancelled. They decide the three have their best shot by going back in on day 3 so we do that, not knowing if any of them are normal. My catheter has to stay in for three days until that clears up. Six days after transfer, I awake with a head to toe body rash full of hives....allergic to the sesame oil from the progesterone injections. They scramble to get me new PIO mixed with cottonseed oil. And to top it all off, a negative beta test last Thursday.
I'm sure I signed some form similar to what you described. I'm pretty sure we will not be attempting this particular excitement ever again, but my advice to anyone who does is "Expect the Unexpected".
Thank you for the very much needed laugh today!
#4 is the one that got me.
But what me LAFF TIL I PEED IN MY PAD was the "fishamajig" at Friendly's post. God I am STILL laughing. Thank you for being my laff blog !! I need SOMETHING to balance the Smirking Chimp.
Oh, I used to get that magazine too! It thankfully stopped after we moved up north, but probably the single woman who bought our house is even now anxiously awaiting the next issue. I must admit that I got more pleasure and information out of your entry, though, than I did from all of the issues of said magazine, which I always dutifully read lest inattention somehow make my fitznoodle even more twisted.
I have to admit my favorite quote of this whole missive is;
"Leave steamy little notes for each other to find describing what sensual delights lie in store later: "...And then I'll break open that glass ampule with my teeth. Rrowr. Love, Tiger."
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro"
Love You! Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope making people smile while getting closer to understanding infertility makes the whole experience a little less painful.
#9...lol, snort...
That was so hilarious I can't stand it.
This is going to sound so wrong, but, welcome back to the infertility roller-coaster! I love the Charlie posts but I'm happy to mix it up with IVF after baby material.
Oh, and thanks for skewering that ad. That's the one that alternatlely makes me scoff and hurl it across the room.
May I add?
11. never refer to sex as "baby-dancing"
All I gotta say is, do you have any idea how long it takes to pick chewed-up ampule top out of my gums? The things we do for love...
"I freely admit I have issues."
I just got that.
Hahahahahahahaha!
Ahem. Carry on.
That was me. Apparently, you're not the only one.
When is that issue dated from?
I swear I saw the same one in my clinic last summer.
Long time lurker - first time posting
#2 almost made me pee my pants! :)
love #2. perfect.
Thanks for the laughs, really.
i am about 6weeks pregnant and this morning i went pee and a blood clot came out.I havent bleed since throughout the day. What does that mean?