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08/07/2006
Beach boy
After several days in a magnificent beach house with every amenity — a breathtaking view of the crashing Pacific directly off our deck, three dishwashers, two home theaters, a fireplace, a hot tub, and a down comforter on every one of its pillowtopped beds — I have come to the regretful but unshakeable conclusion that a place like this is wasted on the young, and also on those who've produced them.
Try though I might, I have not used this place to its fullest. My parboiling in the hot tub has been severely limited, for example, by the lamentable shortness of nap time. My use of the kitchen, a nicer one than my own, has consisted mainly of cutting all manner of foods into uniform chewable dice, just as at every meal- and snacktime these days. In the evenings, when our friends settle in for two or three movies projected so beautifully onto the wall that you can count Kevin Costner's uncredited nasal cilia during the opening minutes of The Big Chill, I wimp out after a single feature — 7:30 AM comes early, and 6:30 earlier still. And I haven't even begun to urinate in each of this place's six bathrooms.
It's strange to share a vacation with people who don't live with children. Charlie has, for the most part, been an exemplary ambassador on behalf of small banana-flingers everywhere, and our friends have been wonderful — patient, interested, and downright indulgent of Charlie's less diplomatic moments. But this week I've been forcefully reminded of some of the opportunity costs of being a parent.
If you've had difficulty having children, it's a virtual certainty that someone has tried to comfort you by reminding you that at least you can still read the Times in bed on Sunday mornings, uninterrupted by a tangle-haired preschooler pestering you for Froot Loops. When my well-meaning friends used to say that to me, I silently wished upon them a plague of marauding toucans who would tear at their liver with an outsized rainbow beak, jeering platitudes at them in the plummiest of English accents — and they said colonialism was dead — preferably just shy of dawn on the rainiest Sunday of the year. I still hate it when I hear such things. In fact, I probably hate it more now, because I'm well aware that it's true.
This week I've watched our friends shift their clocks from a 5 AM wake-up — which I must, in the interest of fairness, concede is earlier than I ever wake with Charlie — to drifting toward the kitchen for coffee at 11. Charlie's eating lunch while they're eating breakfast. And they're staying up commensurately late, eating chocolate cake, drinking, and watching movies — and now that I think of it, probably opening presents, winning the lottery, and riding ponies, too — while I'm padding grudgingly to bed. Then the next morning, Paul and I are quietly bribing Charlie with Sesame Street and Froot Loops, because, yes, today I caved, and, damn, that Elmo is creepy, to keep him from crowing the sleeping house down with his usual daybreak exuberance.
Traveling with a baby or a toddler isn't any kind of vacation, at least not in any sense of the word I understand. In my fantasies, "vacation" connotes a leisurely morning spent pondering what we'll do today; a slow lunch while we mentally prepare ourselves for some activity or other; and then, more often than not, deciding to scrap those plans for a nap or a long afternoon on a porch swing, chaise longue, or hammock. (I am nothing if not flexible.) It does not entail a small voice piping, "Upp! Upp!" anytime before sunrise. It does not involve hoarding a cache of plastic grocery bags so that I can tie up dirty diapers into hygienic little sausages so that they won't cause offense to our friends. It does not under any circumstance feature plowing the sand out of anyone's nether creases but my own. In fact, not even my own.
Traveling with a child is work. You're off your own turf. You don't have the paraphernalia, the toys, the childproofing, or the routine that give shape to your days at home. You're living in parallel orbits with the rest of your party, preparing meals by the clock instead of by hunger, hurrying home before naptime, making sure not to run out of milk. There are certainly compensations, like introducing Charlie to sand, kites, and seagulls ("Mom! Mom! Suddenly all that Kindermusik bullshit makes sense!"); or hearing him belly laugh at a friend's velvet crab hat; or teaching him about pockets so that he can keep his new best rock safe while he plays in the beach grass. (The lesson did not take. Pockets: 1, Charlie: 0.) But for me, a vacation with a young child is no less work than time spent at home, and in many ways feels like much more. The setting is lovely, the company fine, but the hard part's just as hard, no matter how pretty the ocean.
Sooner or later, this changes, I'm sure. Doesn't it change once your kids are older, when they become sufficiently experienced to know that there's a qualitative difference between work days — getting up at ass o'clock to do the same things you do every day, only with the addition of sand where the sun don't shine — and vacation days? Doesn't it change? Please say yes. My fantasies depend on it.
Do not mistake me for a moment: I love our boy and I love our life. I don't begrudge our friends their liberty, and I don't regret our lack. We had that life and we worked very hard to shed it. But if I'm going to tell the truth and cop to being human, I sometimes wish having a child hadn't required shedding quite so much of it — usually at 7:30 in the morning on the fogged-in Pacific coast, after too many Cuba libres, with the down-draped pillowtop calling.
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I really wish I could tell you it gets better....it doesn't. The pain in the butt changes...strollers turn to tantrums turns to whinning turns to back talk turns to "I want" turns to "we never, we always" turns to I don't want to go there turns to that's boring turns to being a grandparent...............
My friends and I are going to North Carolina to say in a massive beachhouse in a few weeks and now I'm going to have to add "Make sure to urinate in all the bathrooms" to my List of Things to Do. I'll try to fit that in between trips up and down the elevator (it has a freaking elevator!), parboiling in the hot tub and baking myself on the beach.
Oh, and chocolate cake! Damn, I really wish I had some freaking cake right now.
Cake. All gone.
My eldest is 4 and I do think it gets a bit easier, but it's never quite the same as before. At least at 4 he can understand how to be quite and can be a bit flexible with meals and can somewhat entertain himself. It IS still work, but a bit easier. I'm hoping it gets easier and easier each year.
Then there's also the childless vacation you can take when you decide to leave him with grandma. I'm looking forward to one of those when the littlest is off the boob.
The two most relaxing vacations I can think of were the year we only had one (8 yrs.) and dropped her at Grandma and Grandpas. Went to Disney with no kids. Returned with the memento that keeps you reminded not to go on vacation with out your kids. The other one was this year when I went home for vacation. Nothing like handing them to Grandparents to relax you. I got to stay up late and sleep in with no fear and less expense, chocolate cake was an entree so they were happy, and we brought home no mementos.
PS It does get easier as they get older and more self reliant. Just wait soon he'll be able to get his own froot loops and read quietly till you get up.
When my husband and I were in Mexico earlier this year, on a child-free trip, I heard a woman say to a mother of three, who had her children with her, "Are you having a good vacation?" The woman, who had just dealt with spilt chocolate milk and a two-year-old's resulting melt-down, smiled and said, "Oh, we don't call these 'vacations'. We call these 'trips'. We're a good 10 years out from 'vacations'."
Oh, Julie -- AMEN, sister. I love my children more than I can ever say, battled years and years of infertility and IVF . . . and the silliest irony is I often wish I could have just a little more time to myself, a little more time to share with my husband, a little more time to enjoy what we used to enjoy before the kids came into our lives and shattered sleep, destroyed quiet dining and robbed us of spontaneous adventures. I would not want to return to life without them -- but there exists a certain wistfulness about that previous life.
When my husband and I finally did get a few days away together this spring, I was ridden with guilt every time I saw a young family. (To make it worse, I had just found out I was pregnant -- a first-time natural pregnancy at 41 -- and it wasn't going well. Couldn't drink or eat to my heart's content and I JUST KNEW it was all going to be for naught. And yes, it resulted in a d&c at 9 weeks with a later karyotype of Trisomy 10. Bad karma? Cosmic payback? Who knows?)
Now, all of this being said, I'm having a FET in 2 weeks with some eskimos left over from when we conceived our daughter in 2004. My husband, to whom I repeatedly echo the above "wistfulness," says to me, "If you can't deal with two, why are we trying to have a third?" To which I echo Julie's hopeful sentiment: this is just a phase - it's going to get better! Our children will be older, they will become easier to handle (ahem) and we'll be able to once again live as we did, but with our children to accompany us on our journey. I don't know if this is true; based upon what I'm hearing from those with older children, it appears quite doubtful , but I do know that I won't be changing diapers forever, reading "Goodnight Moon" nightly or braving the umpteenth showing of a particular Thomas the Tank Engine episode. And I will miss these days when they're over (even if I'm not crazy about them now). If I'm honest, it's just human nature for me to complain about something.
It does get easier. Honest. I would say 5 or so is the turning point, but from 8 on felt like it was a real vacation. They didn't mind going to short trips into galleries and shops and they could climb and hike and fetch your beer. Plus they can entertain themselves when they get up at ogodthirty. They are even quiet because it means they can watch tv and eat crap undetected.
A trick we learned, vacation with other families. They have playmates, you have playmates. The grown-ups lay around drinking gin and tonic at night and the kids play board games. It's sometimes better than prechildren vacations, because you actually appreciate that you have some freedom.
I don't think it gets easier. The job requirements just change. Instead of picking sand out of butt cracks, you now have to do a marathon castle building every day for six hours or so. . . When we vacationed this summer, I posted about needing a "vacation manager." It sure would make things easier-someone to do all those things you normally do at home, plus carry the umbrella to the beach and entertain the kids so you could relax for a change!
I think the biggest change is when they get potty trained. It's a whole other world.
It DOES get easier, but like someone said above, it will always be different. Make sure to take mini vacations for just you and Paul.
Five is a definite turning point, at least it was for my girl. And a big AMEN to Lisa V. who said traveling with other families helps...any friends with a 9-13 yr-old girl is ideal...only say that cause my 10-year old LOVES tending to the babies. ;-)
I also have a friend, her son is 14 months old, and she pays a high school girl to come with her on vacations to help with the baby. How she affords that, I have no idea, but it might be worth crunching some numbers. Heh.
It does change, I promise. There will even come a time when the kids drag butt in the morning and would prefer to stay in bed, versus getting up at the crack of dawn! I'd say 5ish is about right- until we had the baby, my daughter and stepson (5 and 10) were more then willing to laze about a hotel room in the morning. Those were the good ol' days ;) Actually, I wouldn't trade THESE days for the world!
As someone who just came off a North American tour with newly 1 year old twins, I say a resounding Amen, sister. Amen.
This reminds me of what my mom said about our trip to Europe when my sister and I were toddlers: "I got to see all the playgrounds in Paris and all the playgrounds in Denmark and..."
But it *does* get significantly easier when they're older and require less baggage and handeling of waste products.
We go to Family Camp. Not luxurious (though some are, from the sound of it) but everything thing's there and there's *cchildcare*. Blessed, blessed childcare.
It does get easier physically as they get older.
But it changes, things that you never imagined before are suddenly there, sucking your mental energy.
They can get up themselves, potty themselves, get their own breakfast. Mine even make me coffee, so this parenting thing does pay off.
I agree with the person above who said find a friend who has kids in that 9-12ish age bracket. They have so much untapped energy and think it is FUN to run around and play all day.
Wow did this post ring true for us. My now 4.5- year-old used to be a nightmare to travel with. Now it's my 20-month-old's turn to be an ass to travel with while my 4.5-year-old is delightful. Based on that it does get easier, but the jury is still out...
You always say exactly what I think.
For me, holidays = same shit different location.
I can only imagine that torn feeling that you get. On one hand, all you wanted was this child, but I don't think you ever give up missing being dinks either. Even being pregnant, that fear is there.
Does it change? Yes. But the pangs of 'shedding quite so much' are still there. I salute your cop to being human.
welcome welcome welcome to Oregon! we're just down the road in Portland....
my partner and I were contemplating what to do with the four or five days she is taking off this summer. we considered a trip to Colorado, the Oregon coast, or to Mt. Hood. Then we remebered that with our 7 month-old daughter, it would be more work than rest. So we are planning day trips around her nap times. Sounds like a vacation to me!
good luck and enjoy the rest of your trip!
Julie, I love you.
'Nuff said.
We were finding sand in nether regions (his, not ours) for days after we came back from Hawaii.
Don't vorry- anozzer year or so and ze brainvashing vill be komplete- you von't even remember your life BC. :)
Sorry, that wasn't very reassuring, was it?
After 6 years of marriage, 6 years of non-prevention, 3 years of full on TTC... I find myself questioning if I actually really want to have children.
I spoke about it on my blog here:
http://www.breigh.com/wordpress/archives/395
This thread has been very enlightening and has given me a lot to think about. I'm not sure I could handle being the one to get up at ass o'clock, I like having the option to get out of bed at 11am if I want to.
I'm sure having children is an amazing experience, but I can't help but ask myself if it's worth all the other experiences I'll miss out on because of it.
Argh, why does growing up have to be so difficult..
it gets easier when it all gets easier...when they can use a toilet, feed themselves, work a remote control, and behave like a human being in public.
this is why, until this year, the only place I went was my mother's.
It got easier when I changed expectations. Take helpers, paid or kidnapped (real helpers - not chums who chortle as junior climbs into he drinks cabinet). We had a recent horror holiday, complete with brand new everything and then some house, sharp edged floating staircases without bannisters, rolling green lawns into the lake, out the back, you know with the rumbled glass garden and what-not. Complete nightmare.
Don't worry; when he's a teenager he'll think up ways to need to stay home while you're away and you'll be able to sleep the day away. Of course, he'll be home throwing a huge house-party.
My son is three now and just last year we discovered the miracle of vacationing with other parents of young children. Next year try renting a place with one or two other families with kids and - voila! - instant playmates. The other bonus, of course, is that you don't need to apologize for early wake-ups, poop on the floor and a child who only eats pasta.
We're almost at the point where we can say, "Don't bug us unless someone is bleeding!" I'm counting the days...
With regard to our family..........
We took those kind of vacations without the kiddo, so we too, could enjoy the "fun stuff"
and we took vacations with other families when it was a "family vacation"
which made it much easier.
When there are a few moms in the house and chldren in every which direction, it simply seemed easier, as there were always "eyes" on the children and parents assisting parents and everyone pretty much doing the same thing.
Although, like I said, there were times when our child-less friends wanted to vacation, so we would go without the child, usually for less time, but it allowed us some grown-up time, and sleep, and true relaxation.
I love your blog. It is so insightful, and your timing couldn't be more perfect. We are packing for our first "vacation" since our honeymoon. We now have a 3yr old and an almost 2 yr old. It's going to be very low key - going to Branson, swimming, shopping, blah, blah blah. Can we have some prayers sent our way please? Thank you.
I think it's a mixture of both, I can't sleep in until 11 anymore. It's just impossible after all the years of the kids waking me up early. However, my kids are finally able to get up on their own and watch TV until we're ready to get up. (They still get up around 7 when on vacation but we have to get up at 6 for school so that's sleeping in.) Just make sure you always get a suite when you go to a hotel. It's not so fun if you're all in the same room. TRUST ME! (oh, and my kids are 9 and 7)
You have to erase the "v" word from your vocabulary. It's not a vacation at all -- it's a trip. And I have come to actually HATE being away from our home -- it is so hard to be in someone else's house and to feel like all the normal things your kid is doing is bothering someone. Hotels are marginally better, but I still feel compelled to constantly shush the kids because heaven forfend we wake the strangers next door.
As much as I would like to have a lazy day every once in a while, though, I still think everything with kids is better than what came before.
We're taking our baby to France in October. She'll be 14 months old. She's never been on an airplane. We're going to be those people that get the /look/ as we board the plane.
And now that I've read this, I'm terrified.
I suspect I'll need a vacation to recover from our vacation. Maybe the time difference will cause her to sleep in? Cross your fingers for me.
It gets better in many ways, though there are new and different challenges. I'm just finally getting to the point where my little Booger (2) will sleep in for a bit on Saturday morning (8:30 or 9 if I'm lucky), then is content to have a bowl of cheerios and watch Blue's Clues while I snooze on the couch. Then again, my other spawn, TJ, is 13, and while she's a big help around the house and with Boog, can have some of the worst attitude and backtalk ever. EVER. We're going on a weekend trip to Sea World Orlando this Friday. How much you wanna bet I'll be DYING to get back to work on Monday? Just remember, this too shall pass. And they grow up, and we get nostalgic for the days when they were little. Funny how time makes us forget the true joy of runny diapers with corn and/or raisins, which have to be explored with both hands before you can get to the changing table...
Since having children, we've learned that when you go someplace for an extended visit with them, that's called a "trip". When my husband and I travel for an extended leave without them, that's "vacation". Enjoy the rest of your trip!
Oops, sorry, I had a glitch in my URL link.
I'm just back from ten days of something less than fun with my two, ages nearly six and two.
I wouldn't say it gets better as they get older, but it does get to be a variety of different that's easier to swallow.
Just back from vacation ourselves and it is work! If our kids weren't being stung by a jellyfish they were getting a splinter from the boardwalk. A fall on the tile produced so much blood my mother almost fainted....and our child scraped her face and knee and tore a toenail on the cement. Such is life with children.
It's just as well we're on the Atlantic side because we're up with the dawn to see the sun rise over the beach. All that sunscreen and shodding and hats and bathing suits and then we spend one half of an hour on the beach before someone is ready for a snack or a drink or a bathroom break or a rest. I'm exhausted from my vacation, I think I'll take a nap.
I am with you on the travelling is WAY more work, sometimes home is the best place to be! :)
I need to get my mother to read this as she doesn't think that it's a big deal to just take the boys anywhere, anytime!
The beach house did sound wonderful, minus the early mornings!!
Take care
Delurking! The logistics do get easier as they get older and more independent, particularly when it comes to travelling. I distinctly remember my father telling me when my daughter was a newborn that this was the easy part, and it keeps getting harder from there on out. I've found that to be true as well.
So I guess I should pack laudanum for RI? Toss-up whether to give it to the kids or myself...
I'm going through this now with DS. What gets me through is that every day he does something that makes me melt all over again, whether it's a laugh, him trying to sit on his own or the way his eyes got huge when we sit outside and look at the trees.
A-men.
I have to second Lisa V.'s comment: When Charlie is older (say 4 or 5) try vacationing with other families who have kids in the same age range, give or take a year. The kids play together and the adults have oodles of time to slap back martinis while casually glancing at the playing kids from time to time. That's when it's actually better than vacationing pre-baby: You have the kids with you, you don't miss them, but they aren't crawling up your leg and begging for attention every 10 minutes. Taking a single kid on vacation, no matter what the age, gets easier but still doesn't have the bonus of built-in entertainment from your friends' kids.
Side bonus is if you work it out right, each couple gets some nights out alone as you swap child-watching duties. You'll love it.
Oh, yeah. Big time. While they are little you have get your joy through creating joy for them, as much as that might suck sometimes. It's usually worth it...at least, that's what I tell myself.
Yes, it will get easier, but not soon. I have an 11 year old and a 4 year old. The 4 year old? Yea, still VERY much a handful. The 11 year old? Not so much. I would say once they are in about 2nd or 3rd grade or so, it will get easier.
Hang in there!
Definitely take mini vacations if you can!
Time will go by soon enough and you will have your time back to yourself again.
Yes, I do envy some of my friends who don't have children that can just go off on a whim for a vacation, but I wouldn't trade my girls in for the world. It's all about sacrifices sometimes.
How about taking turns on vacation? One morning you get to sleep in while hubby takes care of Charlie, and then the other way around? At least it's a little break, you know?
Dearest Julie, thank you for:
1. Allowing me to get over my guilt about the "vacation" meal I served my daughter consisting entirely of Saltine crackers pilfered from Applebee's. Who knew that only the Applebee's in California will make any burger a Gardenburger? Apparently, they don't play that way in the Midwest.
2. Allowing me to embrace the fact that a "vacation" with a toddler is simply no vacation at all. I always have such high hopes, and then there is much screaming and protest about the Pack and Play, much stammering justification about raising her vegetarian (Midwest)and not breastfeeding (West Coast) and not putting shoes on her all the time (Latin America and strangely, Las Vegas) from well-meaning relatives, and we're all tired and cranky and just want to go home. I've got one more of these little forays to survive this summer and I've already put my foot down about Christmas. No way are we traveling.
We just got back from a multi-family vacation (6 families [all friends], 4 condos, one development with a pool and easy access to the ocean). Our kiddo is 4.5 and it was SO EASY!!!! She had lots of playmates, so that helped, but she was also willing to play by herself in the morning or tag along with friends who woke up earlier that we did. It was the best vacation we had in a very long time. So it does get easier. Much, much easier.
Ugh, vacations after about 6 mo were pretty stressful for me, depending on who we're visiting. We went to Hawaii when she was 10 months old, and had very little opportunity to do any exploring. But it was Feb in WI, so it was still better than being home.
It all depends on who we're visiting. My parents are good to visit--they babysit, take her off our hands so we can go out to eat, etc. Anyone else = trouble. My ILs NEVER volunteer to babysit (I'm sure they would if we asked, but it's a weird relationship). In fact, they seldom go out of their way at all to entertain her at all. And my husband becomes in accessible when we're there, for various reasons. So I basically have to be on all the time, w/o any of our tools from home.
We thought about renting a cabin at a lake in WI or MN this summer, then realized that it would probably be more stressful, since she doesn't swim, and it's not like we'd be able to just leave her in the cabin while we went off on our own.
Vacation is really only vacation if someone will really help you w/ the kids, and if you're in a place where people don't care about fingerprints/crumbs of cubious origin/spilt juice & milk coating everything in sight.
Whoops, that should be inaccessible.
And yes, the best times we've had are when we spent time w/ friends who also have young children. One day in a suburban backyard can be much more relaxing than a week in paradise, sadly...