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Subject Crime Last seen Suspected fate
AFLAC duck Fomenting naptime rebellion Top shelf of closet Violent and forcible extraction of viscera and/or batteries
8 jumbo washable Crayola crayons Attempted poisoning Clenched in enpurpled front teeth, crumbled within bottom molars Exiled to kitchen junk drawer next to decaying rubber band ball
Talking Barney phone Repeated violation of gag order Wedged somewhere under the car seat, whence occasionally comes a sprightly little tune and a goofy enjoinder to use your inside voice while talking on the phone Vaporized and subsequently classified an untoy
Fanna benake, AKA flannel blanket, AKA I know, bunny, it's sad, but flannel blanket stays in your room Gross imposition Foundering in the depths of the laundry basket after being clutched prematurely to naked loins during a diaper change Drowning (heavy wash, hot, extra rinse, maximum extract)
Stout and pointy stick found on playground Attempted boyslaughter Wrested from small sweaty fist in consequence of strict official warnings that we only play with sticks while we're sitting down, indignant cries of protest ignored, and eventually flung into a dark clump of junipers while its intended victim was busy with his Snack Trap, in accordance with Ambulatory Equipment Code § VI Paragraph 3 Subsection A2 Squirrels, ravening