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09/29/2006
Arrested development
Here's how hard I work for you: When I entered the parking garage this morning, I made a point of looking to see which booth the friendly attendant occupied. I planned to ask him how his date had gone, just so I could pass on the news. Imagine my disappointment, then, when I pulled up to his booth later only to see him leaving on his break, yellow rain poncho flapping as he crossed right in front of my car.
Now we might never find out.
I spend a lot of time talking to Julia. Sometimes we talk on the phone, but usually we use instant messaging, which allows us to save imprudent confidences to disk, the better to blackmail each other with later.
julie: so now my shameful truth comes out.
julia: i knew it all along
julia: your subtleties hold no mysteries for me
julie: i am as an open book
julie: with pictures
julie: and an audiotape that bongs when it's time to turn the page.
Last night after I'd babysat Patrick by typing in a wide variety of letters in varying fonts, sizes, and colors; utterly spoiled the third season of Arrested Development for her...
julia: do you do that ON PURPOSE?
julia: pick something from SEASON THREEEEEEEEEEEEE
julie: SHIT.
julie: i thought that was second season!
julie: GAAAAAH
julia: i hate you and i hate your ass face
...and asked solicitously after Patrick's testing:
julia: when he got to build things
julia: or do word problem
julia: or follow patterns
julia: just watch his smoke
julia: (i did not approve of the smoking but it DID seem to relax him)
...we got down to business and talked about this cycle.
julie: hey, wouldn't it be funny if it turned out tomorrow i'd ovulated?
julia: HI-larious
Wand went in, Julie freaked out.
Something looked wrong with the big follicle on the right, a sort of squashed-in appearance, a fuzzy edge, an irregular shape, not what we saw on Wednesday. The longer my doctor was quiet, the more I worried, and he was quiet for quite some time.
"Run progesterone on her blood, too, okay?" he told the nurse. "Though Antagon does a great job of preventing ovulation..." he said.
"Yes, but I work very hard at this," I reminded them. This confounding of expectations. This zigging where other, more conformist, less imaginative patients zag.
I knew it, I thought as soon as I heard his voice on the phone later instead of the nurse's. "Goddamn it," I said.
"Yeah," he said, and that was that. My progesterone has risen. I've ovulated. Cycle's over. I do not know what's next.
I should tell you that I have a little bit of a history with my friend the parking attendant. When I left the hospital on the last day of my last cycle, which was also cancelled, I stopped at his booth. "It's a beautiful day!" he boomed as I handed him my ticket. "Isn't it a beautiful day?"
I smiled vaguely, which was the least that politeness demanded, but didn't answer. He took my $1.25. "But then," he continued, probably planning to marvel to the next driver at how crabby I was, "every day's a beautiful day if you want it to be."
And I had this instant mean urge to snap, "Not if you've just learned you're dying." Of course I did not, for fifty different reasons, the most compelling being the fact that I am not, after all, dying, and indeed the impulse vanished instantly. He was, after all, only being friendly to someone who looked like she needed it.
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I'm so sorry - both that you ovulated, and your friendly attendant wasn't there to brighten your day.
Damn
Ah, Julie, I'm sorry.
If you've ovulated, is there any chance you may get pregnant the old fashioned way? If Paul's sperm is anyway as bad as my husband's, I guess it isn't an option :(
Very sorry your cycle was cancelled.
Ah, crap. Julie, I'm sorry...
So sorry!!!!!!
Crap. I guess my lucky chicken needs a tune-up. So sorry...
Fourtunately, vodka works more reliably than Antagon.
Really - at what point does it just seem natural? Natural to have a #$%&*@ up cycle? I'd be more surprised it everything went right - for either of us--
Been there.
Twice.
It does suck.
Wish I had something more hopeful/useful to say.
I'm so sorry. That's awful.
OH man, that just bites... I am sorry...
Oh, Julie, this totally sucks. I'm so sorry. Damn, damn, damn.
Aw, fuck.
I'm almost grateful that it would be so terrible for my health to get pregnant again—I can do without the stress and disappointment of cycles that crap out. Peace to you, Julie.
Shit. and damn.
I am so very sorry, I didn't even know that was possible. What shitty shitty luck.
Well, shit.
I am so sorry Julie.
I'm sorry... :(
Sorry Julie - that sucks. I wish a peaceful weekend for you...
Oh Julie. That sucks.
Well, fuck.
Dammit. DAMMIT.
Sending you tons of babydust!!!
Kidding, kidding. That f-ing sucks. So sorry. And if the stupid baby dust thing actually worked, I would send you a dump truck full (after taking a bit out for myself).
Have yourself a margartia tonight.
That is terrible, damn. I am so so sorry.
Hey, "Waiting for Guffman!"
*********
I'm sorry this cycle pooped out already. Fingers crossed for next time.
Well that's a crappy way to end a week. I'm so sorry to hear that.
Well, fuckety fuck.
I don't suppose the irregularly-shaped follicle looked like it was giving you the finger?
Oh, I'm so sad to hear this, Julie. You have helped me keep my sense of humor through 3 ivfs and my heart just broke for you when I read this. May God bless you, Julie.
Oh, I'm so sad to hear this, Julie. You have helped me keep my sense of humor through 3 ivfs and my heart just broke for you when I read this. May God bless you, Julie.
Aw, shit. I'm so sorry, Julie.
well damn!! I've never ovulated on an IVF cycle before, but I was cancelled THREE times because I wasn't responding well enough and the result was the same as yours: game over before you even got a chance....and you still had to go thru all the stim shots for NOTHING. I feel for ya...hang in there.
Oh, Julie, that blows the big wad. I'm so sorry, what a shitty start to the weekend.
Ugh, that sucks. Assume there is vodka in your future, and I hope it helps somewhat.
Are you kidding me?
It's as if your body thinks up new ways to fuck with you each time.
Christ, your ovaries just have to have the last word with this stuff, huh? Bitches.
I'm sorry. :(
can't we do ANY further pacing on your behalf? like, um, did paul happen to have his way with you in the past few days?
but-- of course-- I'm sorry you got this news.
stupid determined egg.
Oh, craptasticness. I'm so sorry.
FUCK.
Sorry :^(
Please remind the parking attendant that every day is risking someone's foot up his ass. And isn't that a beautiful thing?
That.Sucks.Bigtime.
Sorry.
shit.
That sucks. Truly. Burn your ovaries with lit cigarettes?
Crappola.
I'm sorry.
Poop. I'm sorry.
goddamn. sorry, man. that is truly sucky.
on the bright side of things: "ass face"? i mean, how can you not laugh? and laughing GOOOOD.
That happened to me on Antagon too. I'm sorry.
Eh yuck.
Damn.
Sorry.
Only in infertility circles can spontaneous ovulation become a bad thing. I'm sorry, I really truly am.
Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear this. :( Cancelled before you really got out of the gate! This sucks!
Can you do what Julia did at all when she got cancelled for her IUI?
Just wondering...I've no idea what your IF diagnosis is, so perhaps that's not possible.
So sorry you are going through this.
Nilla
That sucks. Wish I could say something more profound.
Sigh.
Don't give up.
Fuck.